Category: Steps

Getting Off The Hamster Wheel

November 2023

Our lives are so fragile, yet when we live them on what some people call the hamster wheel, that fragility is not even noticed. The wheel turns. Since my last post, Christmas, trips, moves, more trips, fireworks, and school ending and beginning. How can that much time go by so quickly? When I first got married, an older lady in our church said that once you have children the time seems to speed up. I guess the developmental stages that children go through make time move forward more quickly than when we are just living a life for ourselves or newly married? I can see how that might be. But I wonder if time really is just moving forward differently because the hamster wheel has added responsibilities and added activities, and it is hard to stop time or slow down when that happens. Along with the added children are everything as parents we add to the wheel, as well.

Then…

Have we ever been driving, and up ahead we see a sequence of traffic lights, like maybe the ones that are getting us ready to meet up with an interstate or highway? There always seems to be at least one on our side of the interstate to help those turning left onto the on ramp and coming off the interstate, and then one after we pass under the overpass for us to turn left onto the on ramp going the opposite direction and help those coming off. These lights are much needed with a busy traffic interchange. As we approach, many times the lights tend to blend together. We see the one right in front of us, and also, we see the one ahead. Maybe it is just me, but a couple of times I have looked too far ahead and miss the one right in front of me change to red, and hitting those brakes comes out of nowhere; a sudden stop that throws everyone in the vehicle in a “woah” moment. Like coming off the hamster wheel. Moving forward looking ahead, maybe far ahead, then stopped.

A sudden stop; each are different. Yours is, or will be, different than mine. Listen, I am not a doomsday person, and I do not want to say that we should live our lives under the fact that we had that stop or will have that stop. But, a hamster wheel stop can be life changing and life altering, yet has the potential for us to live life afterward. I am a pure example of this. One day I was a go-get them, bossy, active thirteen-year-old and the next day, I was a cancer patient. And not just a cancer patient. I was physically sick, hurting, and dying; mentally, I was angry, unnerved, and discouraged. Plus, add any and all other physical and mental attributes of this situation. Life as we all knew it suddenly stopped, and a new life suddenly started.

Although most of us do not see day in and day out as fragile; they really are. They are the most important gifts we are given. I do not care that the hamster wheel is turning, we must be able to slow that down. Once we hit the sudden stop, like when the light turns red, then nothing is in our control. So, what next.

Let us put into place the hamster wheel slow down plan.

  1. Realization: We may say that has already been done, but the next step is insurmountable. You know, like when you are hiking that trail that takes you up the switchbacks. There are always those steps that are like two-in-one and to us short-legged people, those type of step ups, puts me in a place of unbelief that anyone would actually make steps so tall. I have done my fair share of stopping and looking up to see the steps and switchbacks as overwhelming. So, we go to the next step.
  2. Evaluation: Getting past the realization step is the one step that many times never is seen in the rear-view mirror. Many times, we won’t go past it. Hamster wheel stays turning. But if we can slow it down slightly and start on evaluating, the situation comes into focus. The giant two-steppers show up as doable, maybe at least until the next switchback. Each person and their evaluation looks different. A few years ago, mine looked like anxiety, crazy wife and mom, and I saw myself in total disarray. I was living in constant back pain, constant stress which in turn I put on myself severe anxiety. Yes, I put it on myself. We have a choice here on how the stress and anxiety affects us. My evaluation was that I could not change the circumstances.
  3. Slow down: I needed to slow the hamster wheel ever so slightly. I found ways to self-care and combat the bodily aches and pains, then remove a couple of things off the wheel, and then in turn a happier wife, mother, daughter, and friend.
  4. Move forward: a tad slower and the steps may still be just as tall but the next switchback is closer to the top, the goal. Within the evaluation, move forward with the changes. We cannot stop with evaluation; take a step. I saw changes in my health that were desperately needed; physically and mentally.
  5. Evaluate: Is this working? Are there a couple more tweaks needed? We must not think that our life has to stay where we find ourselves. God’s Word gives us insight.

Colossians 1:9-10 ” For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and understanding; That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God.”

How many “change” verbs do we see? Filled, Walk, Being fruitful, Increasing. All moving forward ideas.

Matthew 5:6 “Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.”

II Peter 1:5-8 “And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

The last verse is fantastic about not staying in one spot, but it is also so overwhelming because the list is so long. Well, start with ONE of these things. Evaluate where we are and implement a change in kindness or patience. We cannot expect anything in our lives to be different if we don’t do something about it, and God tells us to change the things that are not in line with His word. It is a doable task, or He would not be saying it. Time to slow the hamster wheel before it hits a complete stop.

Sow, Then Reap

12/17/22

I visited a verse this week that I saw in a different light. II Corinthians 9:6 tells us, “He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully.” What are the immediate thoughts when this verse is used, which many of us have heard hundreds of times in our lives?

There may be many applications, but my immediate thought has taken me to gardening. I have proven this verse to be wrong. I plant an over-abundant amounts of seeds and plants in our small garden out back, and then I proceed to over-fertilize, under water, leave the weeds and then cross the tomatoes with the corn. I am the worse gardener ever, but I am a pro at growing the weeds! Actually, the plants and seeds I put in the ground typically come up and they are perfect, but I hardly reap anything. Except one year I planted jalapenos; it was amazing! There were so many, I did it the next year because, hey, why not, I can grow something. The problem is we do not eat jalapenos. Seriously, our taste buds do not do super spicey, but I made some salsa. Then after a couple of weeks and more growth, I passed the jalapenos on to friends who use them often. I was super proud. I have to say my succulent journey has been pretty much the same. I have some growth, then barely alive for months, then death, then trash; many times over.

II Corinthians is definitely not proven wrong by my lack of green thumb, of course, but the amount of sowing and the correct sowing and the amount of reaping are in direct correlation with each other. Now, what else comes to mind and what does this verse really mean to us? Sow sparingly, reap sparingly; sow bountifully, comes back to us sometimes ten-fold, even the sparingly part. What areas can we apply this to in our lives today? Absolutely everything! Our pastor spoke to our teens on Sunday about decisions they make today are crucial to their future. I have told teen girls that multiple times. Their whole future is ahead of them and what will they choose today to make a Godly go at it? If we as adults apply this verse today, let us wake up and throw out the seed of quiet time with God. How much we sow gives to us encouragement, joy, strength; anything that we are as Christians to move forward in our day. Makes us think about having sown quiet time. Then our harvest will be an amazing day. Well, if it turns out not to be so amazing, at least we sowed Christ into our soul and spirit to draw peace and strength to face what might be the hardest day/days of our life.

Been there, people, and I wish my thirteen-year-old self had Jesus, because the discouragement that came with my cancer diagnosis was other-worldly. Thoughts of taking my life were never a part of my brain activity; I have to say I cared about me more than to take my life, but dying in my sleep? That would have been a peaceful way to go, was my thinking. I knew of God and how He could have made that happen. I just did not know God like I do today. I have learned to say, God is sovereign and has each and every step orchestrated for me. At thirteen, I wanted those steps to be my steps and the orchestration written out my way, so I did the only thing I knew to do and that was survive. God may have been in control, but that hair loss was not going to keep me depressed. I wore a wig. That chemo treatment was not going to keep me out of school, I went every day except the day after chemo. I was not sick, and no one could convince me otherwise. This was just an inconvenience. Sowing Jesus in my life was just what I heard in Sunday school, so I realized I needed Him almost a year after my diagnosis, and I saw Him as my Savior. Then in college, He got a hold of my heart and made me realize I had nothing to do with being alive, healthy, and with the ability to serve Him. He challenged me to start sowing my quiet time, then He started reaping in me a soul and spirit that truly depended on Him for every single day. One that looks to Him for joy, strength, health! My mantra: everything, everyday has God’s hand on it.

God asks us to sow. He asks us to throw out the seed of giving; of our finances, of our time, our lives to service. We could give lunch with a friend, gifts to others, or maybe coffee to a coworker just because. We should know if we sow, we are going to reap benefits. God sees and He may not bless financially now when we give financially, but who has ever given a gift just because and did not feel a ping of joy? There is the reap. We reap what we sow in our time. I have been hustling on to get something done and been stopped numerous times because that person needed time. I came away with a happy heart, a blessed moment in that relationship. Granted, I blew past a majority of people, but that is where I need to work on my sowing. People need us, people need time, people need love. Why are we too busy to give to people, or should we say, why do we not give to people and make the “busy” excuse. The verse, “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly,…” Proverbs 18:24, then show friendly and reap. We have had conversations with our boys multiple times about this very same thing. Need encouragement, show encouragement. Reach outside of our self and be nice, be helpful, and be someone to someone else when they may not have someone, because THE SOMEONE asks us too. The amounts of sowing opportunities in our lifetime are abundant, whether right or wrong, we really should be aware and calculated with our lives, determining our steps ordered by God. “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.” He is for us.

Throw out the seed of kindness. Our families deserve our kindness, and we reap abundantly what we sow in this area. It actually is an immediate reaping, right? Throw out the seed of love. Love is a choice, it is a feeling, too, but if we do not feel loved or want to give love, that really does not determine our love for someone. But we choose to love, and our God has shown us the ultimate love, so who are we not give back to Him and others? Throw out the seed of joy. “How are you?” I submit to you, let us start saying what an old friend used to say every time, “Super Fantastic.” instead. Throwing out a joyful response really helps us feel better about what is going on around us at any given moment. Throw out the seeds of peace. Our generation today has a huge entitlement issue, thus keeping things volatile. No one is entitled to anything when we have Christ in our lives and when we do not, we still are not entitled because God has the whole universe in His hands and controls everything. Each person is on this earth because of one God. Finally, just throw out the rest of the seeds of Galatians 5:22, 23; “…against such there is no law.”

What are we sowing today? There are many people in my life that have taught me the seeds to throw out so that I may reap. I am grateful and truly blessed to have them in my life, because I then can testify if I sow abundantly, I will reap abundantly.

Cancerversary

30-years-in-business

3/15/2020

Seasons are times of change in temperature, weather, and clothing. They bring to us new schedules like a school year to a summer break and transitions from one sport to the next. Any one person would give their honest opinion of their favorite season because just about every person has a favorite. My top season would be spring with a close second season, fall. I love spring because the chill is not constantly keeping me in a coat, and I can get away with a sweater or light jacket.

When a person ponders the seasons, there can be so many lessons to learn. Spring gives us the saying for March, “In like a lion, out like a lamb,” meaning the first of the month tends to keep winter around and the last part of the month sees a tad warmer temperature and the beginnings of spring. I begin to put a plan in place for the tiny garden in the back yard. I am not much of a green thumb, but I keep trying. I can grow jalapenos well, but we do not eat them so I have not figured out why I keep planting them. Because they always do well, and I feel like I am growing something? Whatever. Spring is a picture of new growth, turning over a new leaf, doing things new; oh, and cleaning out the dreaded closets!

Summer has been mentioned in a previous post and helps me evaluate what is most important with extra time spent with family on our annual vacation. It is a picture of slowing down. There are so many new hours to fill without school and longer evenings. Barbeques and visiting with friends and family. Summers can be really busy for some, but still has a connotation of “let us take a minute to… ?” Fall, now that is a season that a large majority of people love. Whether it is Pumpkin Spice Lattes or hayrides or the changing leaves. It is definitely at the top of the “Favorite Season” list. Winter comes in dead last. Sorry, winter lovers, but I am not a fan of the cold or snow.

As I ponder the changing seasons, today marks a huge ‘VERSARY for me. March 15, 1990, thirty years ago, was a day I went into surgery to remove a mass in my stomach, but came out eight hours later with a cancer diagnosis, an eighteen inch long scar, an ovary removed, a broviac for chemotherapy, and a laundry list of other things. This day changed my life forever, no question about that. I have tried to express those changes on the blog throughout the last year and half by telling others what we went through; me personally with my family that stood by my side. But when doctors said “you are good,” I thought for sure those changes were done as well. Obviously, that was not going to be the last I time I would spend with doctors concerning this disease. The long term effects have “haunted” me ever since.

1999/2000

In my cancer journey, I finished my first year of teaching in 1999 and had a great summer working for a chiropractor. I made sure I never worked another summer; my contract was year round and starting school again was hard after working all summer. Starting my second teaching year, I was excited because I was moved to a much larger classroom with a new setup and new decorations. But a couple of months into the school year, I knew I had a problem. I noticed a place in my lower abdomen that did not feel normal. I had been down this road before and the outcome was devastating. “Fear washed over me” is an understatement. I do not know how I kept it together, but after a discussion with my mom on how to go about this (remember I did not have insurance), we decided to go into our family doctor and plan on the worst. Doctor appointments, CT scan, whatever it took for me to go down this road again. Insurance bare.

I would need to go to my principal and give her a heads up, at least take off a day to get the tests done, and ask for prayer. I could not hold it together when I met with her. Most people who know me realize I am not much of a crier. Come on, I had two brothers and no sisters, and I have two sons and no daughters. Crying does not come at the drop of a hat. I think I have cried in front of my husband less than ten times in seventeen years. Nothing wrong with crying, please understand me, but I am not a crier. So that fateful day in early fall 1999, crying was at the top of the list while I explained my dilemma. My principal was thoughtful, caring, and we discussed what should happen next. First, we needed answers and in the process she would also put in place a plan if the end result was not what we wanted.

We scheduled the doctor’s appointment, and with my history, he in turn got me right in for the CT scan. Barium, again! Oh, the most awful drink on this earth. Why, can they not figure out another way to do a full CT scan on a belly a different way? Time might have changed this process, but twenty years ago, it was the same barium and the exact same smell that made me want to puke. I did return to school the next day and waited anxiously for the results. When the phone rang, a wave of anxiety about took me to the ground, and I have wondered if I was white as a ghost. “Nothing to worry about,” the doctor said. “It looks like scar tissue.” Have you ever took in a long, deep breath that seemed to last for a minimum of a full minute? Of course, they do not last that long, but it feels like it when the relief from the anxiety is literally traveling out of our body through each finger and toe. The saying, “weight of the world on my shoulders,” was so real during that time, and now it felt like God had lifted it off. He said, “Trust me. I healed you from the beginning. This may be a part of the side effects, but you are in my hands.”

Pretty crazy, that my cancer journey timeline and blog article today happens to have a cancer scare in it, on the day that the cancer scare came to fruition thirty years ago. I am so grateful for every step on my journey, every step. Not only the good ones, because I really rejoice in those, but the hard ones; the ones that make a person feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. God tells us in I Peter 5:7, “Casting all your care upon him for he careth for you.” He says in Psalm 37:23, “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord; and he delighteth in his way.” He has us taken care of. I am so grateful.

 

What Happens When God Chooses Us To…?

49967-bible-desk-light-unsplash_1200w_tn

1/4/20

When we live our lives with God’s direction as priority, the above question shines bright. What happens when God chooses us to…? Chooses us to lose a baby before birth. Chooses us to hear the doctor’s words that take your breath away. Chooses us to say goodbye for the last time to your loved one as they walk out the door or breathe their last breath. What happens when He says that it is our turn to face this? Every day life can be monotonous; school, sports, work and even church attendance. Our schedule Monday through Friday each week stays the same except for the occasional party or get together. Our weekends can consist of sporting events, get togethers, and church. It is what we do and where we go to the point that our car is on auto pilot. But God has a plan for each of our lives, and when we choose Him, He will lead us and guide us through that plan.

As a Christian, God directs us in His word to be a LIGHT:

I John 1:7 “But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.”

Matthew 5:16 “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in Heaven.”

To share the GOSPEL:

I Peter 3:15 “But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear;”

Matthew 9:37, 38 “Then saith he unto his disciples, The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few; Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest.”

To follow His STEPS He has for us:

Proverbs 3:5, 6 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

Psalm 32:8 “I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.”

Hold on though. What if those steps are devastating? Here are some of His promises:

Isaiah 33:3 “Call unto me and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.”

Proverbs 18:10 “The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.”

John 10:29 “My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all: and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father’s hand.”

Isaiah 43:2 “When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee; when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.”

His word is written for those devastations! It is our written guide. So amazing the promises that are given to us; it gives me goose bumps. How comforting and overwhelming at the same time.

Our family travels each summer to places we think everyone will enjoy. Every other year or so it is a place we have not explored as a family; possibly my husband or I have been there, but not with the family. I enjoy the concept of a new place and appreciate the vast amount of information that can be gathered at my fingertips. What to do and how long to be there often starts off the process, and with that comes reading websites and reviews from others that have tread the ground we will be covering. There are many decisions made based on what we find out. After the timeline is in place, the accommodations are a priority, then back to websites and reviews. On more than one occasion, if the location is a tourist spot, we will buy a guide book from the local bookstore or check them out from the library. We enjoy taking them on the trip. We also have this amazing book someone gave us that has each state in the U. S. which lists spots that are not necessarily high volume tourist places. “Off the beaten path.” A road less traveled by the multitudes which means not a major highway or two lanes; sometimes even a dirt road. We have seen more cool places using this guide book than we can remember. Many times we do not have time to take the detour, but at least once on each trip made Google maps and “make a U-turn” go crazy.

God has His word telling us of the path many have trod. It is our guide and gives us encouragement to hear of those that have traveled our same road. We turn to prayer and God’s word to see what those before us did and maybe how they handled it, whether right or wrong. But “off the beaten path” becomes those times none of us want to go through. God chooses us to make those trips. When God Said Cancer to my family, we had no idea what was going on. Every doctor visit, needle, medicine was a new road to travel down with the large street sign named Cancer. The detour went forever and ever, and the bumpy road was a killer to the back and neck all the way up to the head. I was not happy about this detour; in fact, I was angry. At 13, I could not wrap my brain around the fact that God was asking this of me. But, I learned eventually. In previous posts, I wrote of finding God and His goodness in my situation. I knew I would not have survived this beast if it had not been for God’s healing shortly after diagnosis, and because of that and the possibility of death, I found Jesus’ redemption and salvation.

Two steps forward: good scans. One step back: 24 hour headaches. Two steps forward: got an A on my science test. Three steps back: hair falling out in the bathroom. God is choosing me for this? He is sending me on this detour and actually guiding me this direction? Why!!! Answers after answers including the back and forth steps mentioned above came my way. As an adult, He has shown me 10-fold the answers, and they are pretty amazing. But it does not change the fact that God could still choose me for ….? And God is choosing each of us for…? What will we do with that choosing? Our response is not going to be love, peace, thank you, God. There is too much hurt in the moment and moments to follow, but He is there watching and guiding and as long as we remember that, I hope we can eventually say, God Has Chosen This For Me.

 

Hope Deferred; Stuck in the Roundabout

Magic-Roundabout3

12-10-19

Summer 1998

Hope deferred can really make our heart sick, exactly how God puts it in Proverbs. We look forward to many things in our lives. I remember when I was a little girl, my dad pastored in a couple of churches in Texas. Along with being a pastor’s kid came the privilege of going to church camp with my parents when they would visit the youth while they were at camp. Depending on the church size, my parents were the chaperones so we spent all week at camp. I loved it so much, but I really enjoyed hanging out with the “big kids.” They put up with me; humored me. The best day ever was when I was going to be just like them, and that day could not come fast enough. Hope deferred… In junior high, getting into high school was going to be the best day ever. In high school, nothing could take the place of getting my driver’s license! After the driver’s license came looking forward to graduating from high school and “getting out of Dodge” on my way to college. Should I keep going? We get the picture.

Hope deferred was constant in my life, and I have to admit, I find myself in that state of mind every now and then. But currently, it does not seem to make my “heart sick” near as often. In my life’s journey in 1998, I had completed four years of college with no future plans, spouse, address (TBD in Oklahoma), job… Pretty much depending on God for every step of the way, because “the way” looked a little like a London roundabout. My husband and I visited London a few years ago, and he wanted to drive which means renting a vehicle. Unbeknownst to us, driving in England means there are many intersections that have multiple streets coming into one point. These roundabouts have six, seven streets that spur off and a person has to know which one to get off at AND, for us Americans, make sure when we pick that street, we are on the correct side (which did not happen once!) On more than one occasion, we ended up in a roundabout, and after a few revolutions figured out the correct street and were able to exit.

Kind of like hope. Deferred; so we take another go at it. This way, God? Nope, here we go again. In life, I was definitely in a roundabout and headed to Colorado to work yet another summer at a church camp. I was not discouraged, but excited because I loved summer camp, and this was an opportunity to live and breathe camp for eight weeks. It was hard work, and we spent many a night falling into bed for a short night of sleep to repeat the jobs the next day. I spent much time praying about my future and asking God what He would have for me. There were big decisions that were made that summer.

One of those decisions came in the way of a job opportunity. My parents had already arrived in Oklahoma and were attending church. They met a principal of a school and decided to give me a call; in their mind they knew who I was while I was in denial. I love the parental role; it is amazing! They sent me an application to that school. Not interested! But, I prayed and looked through the application. It was what I was created to do, created to be, created to give on this earth. Be a teacher. I knew from the beginning of time, teaching was my future. I had an interview over the phone and received my first teaching job, sight unseen for both sides. Hope had been deferred which was not known until I jumped out of the roundabout with my eyes closed, no turn signal, praying it was the right side of the road. What a crazy step of faith! My summer ended in Colorado, and I headed to my future address in Oklahoma with a brand new job at a school I had never seen or a principal and school employees I had never met. Nervous to say the least, but super excited because of the unknown. God had been faithful to me and gracious to guide me out of the roundabout down a new street.

During this time, since I was a college graduate my health insurance was no longer available through my parents, and I needed to get insurance because of my health history. I started with the most obvious insurance company in the city I was living in, and within a few weeks, received my first “rejected” letter. My application had been rejected because of a “pre-existing condition.” CANCER had once again denied me; hope deferred and now I was in the cancer roundabout again. Why was this happening? I did not have cancer, I was cancer free for almost ten years, medically noted as cured for almost five years. What was their problem? On to the next insurance company. Denied! Then the next, Denied. Five insurance companies later and still no insurance. No one told me that cancer would do that; that this would be another long term side effect! I guess I had to find out the hard way about the insurance and now needed to plan for any medical problems that may raise their ugly head. One more thing to be anxious about in my cancer journey.

Along with the insurance conundrum, two weeks before school started, I walked into my new school and classroom with an incredible amount of butterflies. The principal, team teachers, fellow teachers, and the faculty were all amazing and taught me everything I needed to know to receive a precious group of fourth graders on the first day of school. Two weeks flew by, and it was time.

The roundabout. Many roads headed into one circle that once someone gets into, there may be times where they will stay for a while, yet fewer times that they take the next road. It is a picture of our hope deferred. It makes a heart sick, but when the desire comes it is a tree of life. It is fantastic, breath taking, breath exhaling, whatever we classify the tree of life. We can be so grateful that our God gives us the abilities to get in the roundabout and wait on Him to show us the next road. Thank you, God, for Hope Deferred in the Roundabouts.

The Cocoon

Nymphalidae - Danaus plexippus - Chrysalis

7/20/19

Just like that, all the words from my previous post have come to fruition. Our family has seen a new normal for now that was not planned less than a week ago. My s-u-m-m-e-r became very real to me and my family this week. Our Salvation was real close to us because we almost lost a significant part of our family who would have joined our Father in Heaven without His hand on the situation. We plan to stay Unmovable during this time of trial, because our God is who we serve and He is always there. We stay Mesmerized at the small steps that have been accomplished in our loved ones’ life every day. We cherish the pictures and the Moments we had and have with them at this time. We will Evaluate what God has placed before us and focus on the situation placed before us and the people sent our direction, because we need to be Ready to show them the love of our Almighty, All powerful, All Healing God!

Five seconds changed our families’ world. Now let us see what God will do with the rest of our seconds.

Fall 1995

Similar to this time in my families’ life, a very significant time in my life was my sophomore year of college. I had begun the year searching for something, anything that gave me a purpose and a reason for the crazy cancer fiasco that had come my way a few years before. God brought me a friend that was kind of in the same boat. We were able to fill a void of friendship for each other. God also spoke to me over and over in chapels and church services about my relationship with Him and that my life lived for Him should show others His love. Across my path, walked many people that had been affected by cancer. I grew closer to God than I had ever been. My testimony was shared in devotional time and given to teenagers at conferences. At the time, I was not aware of the significance of what God had done in the past, but saw small things here and there of how important it was to share my experience. I did not know what the future held for me, but knew I was doing what I was suppose to be doing at that time.

Recently, one of our children had to teach a lesson in their classroom about anything they were interested in. They chose the butterfly, and we ordered Painted Lady caterpillars online which were shipped to us through the mail. It was very exciting opening the box and seeing this small cup of insects inside. The caterpillars were shipped inside a cup that contained the food they would need to survive the process. The instructions were to leave them and watch them grow for a few days. It was amazing how in just a couple of days they doubled in size and continued to grow.

The next step was significant and all of sudden. We looked inside one day and four out of the six caterpillars were in a cocoon, and one of them was in the process, moving and wiggling around with the cocoon forming. In one day, they were finished and suspended in air from the lid of the cup. Instructions: wait a few more days and then we would see the butterflies emerge. Having caterpillars for pets was extremely easy; purchase them, get them in the mail, open them up, set them on the counter, and watch. Love pets, but most of the time it is a ton more work! We literally walked into the kitchen one day and the butterflies had emerged. They were so pretty, and it had been a fascinating process. Oh, and super easy! Next instructions: watch the butterflies for a few days, feed them with sugar water, and then release them to do their job in the flower world. I am sure that we could find many a caterpillar outside and see the magic happen over again. We, however, enjoyed the easy online order and process we took to see the cool metamorphosis.

As they studied the caterpillar and gathered information about the changing into a butterfly, I became very aware of the significance of the cocoon. Without the cocoon, the caterpillar stays just that; a caterpillar. The cocoon is where all the magic happens. This is very similar to the Christian life. During the time of life where I was going through cancer there was much wiggling and movement while the cocoon was forming. I feel like the time I spent in college figuring out my purpose in life was the same. Every step of the way to this point has most likely been the same, or the cocoon has formed and I am just being transformed. At whatever point in the process that I am in, heaven will be when I emerge and am made new. Thank goodness for the cocoon; it is such an important part of the caterpillar’s life, as it is in mine.

We could say that God is that part in our life that protects and changes us to be more like Him. God’s word tells us in Job 23:10 of Job speaking to those around him about the devastation that he had just endured. He lost his family, livelihood, and body and still he said these amazing words speaking of God: “But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.” We will come forth as gold. No matter the easy road, the hard road, the protection and comfort we have in our Heavenly Father will always be there. Nothing that we go through on this earth compares to the trial that Jesus Christ went through as He stood before men as a man in the same flesh we are in and was tried and sentenced to death. He was placed on the cross and in agony and pain took the sin of the whole world upon Him so that we may be saved. Even though we are tried and sometimes suffer, we get to come forth out of the cocoon to live eternally with Him. Hallelujah!

 

Our God Is An Awesome God…

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2/12/19

October 1991

I walked out of my last chemotherapy with a boat load of drugs in my system, nausea setting in, and a spring in my step. I felt like doing a cartwheel all the way to the car, but that would get me puking on the sidewalk and who wants to see that happen. Besides I did not need to start the drive-home-nausea-inducing curves sooner than experiencing it in person. But we were so excited to be at this point in our cancer journey. We had experienced it all: surgery, near death, life, hair loss, hospital stays, life, thought of reoccurrence, life, end of treatment, life… And now I could be a normal teenager, so I thought. Since this was October, we were finishing off the holidays in high spirits. By the time Christmas break rolled around, my hair was just about long enough to feel comfortable going without a wig. That first time I took it off, we had someone cut it and style it for me. It was baby fine hair and extremely soft, just like an infants hair. Well, it was brand new so what did we expect. This was the early 90’s so Aqua Net became my best friend; wait, this was the early 90’s – Aqua Net was everyone’s best friend! I cannot explain how absolutely excited I was to be able to style my own hair again, what little I had.

So Christmas break was the ultimate turning point for me as a teenager in the world of high school. I would be returning to school in January with my new hairdo. Well, I was super nervous, and I had my biggest fears come true. My wig was a long, large curly blob; remember this was the 90’s. It looked like I had a ton of hair, and some people did not know I wore a wig. Those very few people let me know how weird my new hair cut was. It was tough, but I was so very happy, I just did not care as much as I could have at the time. I recall one time at the local Rec Center where we spent a ton of time as teens playing wallyball, volleyball, basketball, and running on the track. I turned in my student ID so I could get a locker. The girl behind the counter handed me a key and was about to turn around but stopped. She grabbed the key and said she made a mistake because she had handed me a guy’s locker room key. Great, I look like a guy when I have short hair! What a blow to the gut. Makes me chuckle today, but that is probably why I have never done a shorter haircut.

Why did I live through this when others do not? Today I ask myself this question because those around me have lost their battle, and their families are left to live their lives without their wonderful loved ones. I do not understand or comprehend the reason God takes a life and let others live, but it happens every day with people losing their lives in other ways besides cancer. God has a purpose for each and every minute of the day and each and every thing we are faced with during those minutes. Because we know life and death happens, we then try to prepare for those times.

A heavy heart can be hard to explain when the events of life appear before us as something other than easy or what we may classify as “day to day life.” But I believe most people have experienced this reaction to hard times. When the term “heavy heart” is used I have a sense of slowed breathing, a pressure in my chest, a punch in the gut, a feeling of sadness that comes over my spirit. Everyone would have a different reaction, but I think we could all conclude we know the feeling of a heavy heart. When I was a teenager, we had a dog that was killed by a car, and I remember so clearly the feeling that I had of death. Yes, I realize we are talking about lives of human beings, but the feelings are the same. There was a void. I recalled that same feeling when I was at my great grandfather’s funeral, but I was so much younger, I did not remember the sense of loss as much as when we lost our dog. In my adult life, three of my grandparents passed away within a few years of each other, and I still get that feeling of emptiness, especially when I think of my precious grandmothers. I feel like something is missing and there is a heaviness. I think this is where we get the above term.

“It’s life,” someone says, “Death is a part of life.” Yes, but there is still a sense of loss that we feel and have to live with until it gets easier. I do not like that phrase either, but it does get easier. How is that possible when we have had a loss? Our God who made us, loves us, and takes care of us shows us every day that He made us, loves us, and will take care of us. We have to embrace that. During those heavy heart moments, He is there. During those hole in the heart, punch in the gut, feelings of void and emptiness, He is still there. A song immediately comes to mind:

“Our God, is an Awesome God, He reigns from Heaven above, With wisdom, power, and love, Our God is an Awesome God.” Written By, Nathan Myrick

As a Christian, we must embrace this truth, and God reminds us of this hundreds of times in His Word. These verses can be just words to those that are hurting, but I want to encourage those that are hurting, do not stop at the words. In time, make the words a type of salve that fills in the void of the loved one we are missing or make it the counterbalance to the heaviness of the heart that will out weigh and lift the weight. Or put all the words together to make a strong surface that blocks the constant punch in the gut. Maybe the words of a song are the uplifting we need to put one foot in front of the other during the few hours after a loss. Whatever our comfort, we should still take the time to grieve; that is important and part of the process of loss.

Psalm 46:1, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Proverbs 8:10, “The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it and is safe.”

Isaiah 41:10, “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

The Roller Coaster

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1/14/19

Summer 1991

How could the adventures within the last few months have been so amazing and actually occurred while I was on treatments for a disease that takes lives every day? It was a pretty wonderful experience. And, yet we had to return to reality that I was on treatments for a… Yes, reality hit me right in the face, right back to Salt Lake City and chemotherapy. It was the summer months again, so we were able to head down early to treatments and enjoy fun times at large area parks, shopping, and there was even a small amusement park in a nearby suburb with roller coasters.

We had to go early in the morning, because there was absolutely no chance we could enjoy anything afterwards. Chemotherapy hit me pretty hard, and if it was the one with a spinal tap, I was in worse shape. Salt Lake was eighty miles away from home, so we would prepare for a rough ride home, because when you leave the city, you climb up through a canyon. It is a major interstate, but it winds back and forth up the mountain and then straightens out after twenty miles or so. There was also another back and forth halfway between there and home. Car sickness is no comparison to chemo, but when you combine the two, not the best situation. Sorry Utah, I really did try to make it without stopping! Even though the trip was hard, we were so grateful to be as close as we were to an amazing hospital.

This was our second summer traveling back and forth for chemo. My prognosis was fantastic, no signs of any cancer since the doctors closed up my stomach, gave me a 30% chance to leave the hospital, and started me on chemotherapy the next day. We had another set of scans right between the two big trips, and they came back clear again. The last treatment would be sometime in October if my blood counts stayed good, and the doctors did not have to bump me back a week. My heart was staying under control with the medicine, and there would be an evaluation after chemo was over on the next step to get me off the medicine. I was healthy, happy, and enjoying my teen life. I just got my permit on my birthday, and school was about to start. I would be going into my third year of school on these treatments: spring of eighth to, Lord willing, fall of tenth grade. The end could not get here fast enough. I wanted to be a normal high school student. One brother was entering high school with me, and the other was going into first grade. Our church was doing really well. My parents had reached out to co-workers who had joined the church body, and the youth group was growing. I had some very special friends during this time at school and church that made my world go round. We had some amazing fun times together!

Yet, I started to struggle with some unusual symptoms that needed immediate attention. We headed down to the hospital to do a series of scans. Concerns about a recurrence were prominent. The scans were a disaster to get completed. I kept throwing up the barium, and they would have to start over. My mom finally told them to shove a tube down my nose and then we could pour straight into the stomach. It worked, and we were able to finish, and head back to the treatment room. For three hours, no one told us anything. It was very unusual to wait and not be given any information. We were certain the cancer was back, and mom and I were physically sick. Mom had made arrangements for being out of the office for an uncertain amount of time and made phone calls to the insurance company. After an excruciating amount of time, the doctor came in to tell us we would need to come back in the morning for more scans. We desperately needed him to tell us what the scans said, and he informed us they were clear, but they needed further tests to figure out why I was sick. The emotional down that we had experienced for the last few hours was almost unbearable. My life was hanging on by a rope, and no one informed us it really was not. Situations like this are a par for the course in the medical world. They did not do anything wrong; they have hundreds of patients and dozens in a given day that need attention, cry for attention, need a hand to get through some of the most difficult times in their lives. Hats off to the medical profession. Emotional roller coasters are in everyone’s handbook. Theirs just has to be under control and then make life changing decisions for other people.

But, boy, do I love the real deal roller coasters. I am on the petite side, and I did not get to enjoy coasters when I was younger until later than most because I could never reach that silly mark on the sign. Pretty sure my brother beat me to it. We were fourteen months apart, and because I was smaller, we were very similar in height. When I was three, the scissors and hair became one, and my mom and I did not. She had to take me to a barber to get it fixed, and I walked out looking like my brother. She had questions about her twin boys for a few months, so she made sure she put me in dresses as often as possible. Anyway, after much begging, pleading, and tiptoeing, I was able to get on that first roller coaster at Six Flags Over Texas. On the way up, I knew this was the wrong idea, and my aunt had to keep me from jumping out. I swore off coasters until I was in junior high and fell in love with them. They do not scare me at all; granted I am nervous on the big ones. Back and neck problems have changed my ability to ride them in this stage of life, but I miss the fun.

Life, emotions, etc… are roller coasters and winding roads through mountains, no doubt. Things are great, things are not so great, things are good, things are horrible, things are fantastic. When asked how things are going, I catch myself saying great.. wonderful… fantastic… no matter what is actually going on most of the time because I have been through some really, really bad times in my life. In comparison, things are really great. There may be times that are crazy, there may be times that are not so wonderful, I wear those on my face and people can tell. That is o.k.; it is life. God’s Word in Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 says it this way: “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted.” Verse 4 says, “A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and time to dance.” Winding through life has its times, and we know that our God will take those times and show us His love and strength and power. Hallelujah for the times we have!

Spring In Our Steps

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11/6/18

April 1990

Home again, home again. We had made it through a crises on top of our crisis. Phew! I was so happy to return home and feel like a normal person. I started to feel like I could do more things and be more myself. Our middle school was having their spring concert, and since I had been in choir before I went into the hospital and my brother was performing as well, I asked if I could go. Dad and mom loaded us up, and when we got there I used a wheelchair because I was still pretty weak. I was able to see so many of my friends, I felt rejuvenated. They dedicated the concert to me, and the next day there was a picture of me sitting in the wheelchair watching the concert on the front page of the local paper. Unbeknownst to us, a reporter from the paper was there to do a story about the concert and heard about what had transpired with our family. You see, we were one of the only Baptist churches in town, and the article mentioned that dad was the pastor at Uinta Bible Baptist Church. God has ways to invite people to church and sometimes it is not through an invitation at the door or work. The whole town knew about us now. At this same time, I wanted to start working on my school work. The school sent out a tutor to help me get through the massive amount of assignments, and I worked extremely hard to get caught up.

My biggest fear came true-my hair started to thin. Mom took me to town one day to get a shorter haircut and take some pictures at the local photographer. She wanted to put together a prayer card to send out to the hundreds of people that had sent cards and gifts to us during my hospitals stays. I was hoping that my hair situation would stay in this mode; just be thin. I mean, I had met kids at the hospital that were on chemo, and they had not lost their hair. I was in denial, because I had seen way more bald heads than ones with hair.

Months before, my parents had made plans to go on a trip for spring break and Easter. We had made quick friends with a family in our church after we arrived in Evanston, but they were moved to Denver for work right before my diagnosis. After much discussion, they decided we should travel down and go on the trip. We had a fantastic visit, but Easter morning about a month and a week after my first encounter with a doctor, my hair began to come out is handfuls. I was in the bathroom brushing my hair and yelled for my mom to come in. I had brushed a massive amount of hair out in the brush. Crying might be an understatement for my reaction. You see, I had had plenty of emotions; tears of pain, anger at doctors and nurses just trying to help me, determination to get better, happiness when getting to go home. You name it, I had run through the gamut of emotions, but this loss of my identity was more than I could handle. Mom started crying as she kept brushing to get the hair contained. When she was done I was basically completely bald and totally devastated and drained of all emotion.

Mom had known this was going to happen, and we had chosen a wig from a store near the hospital when we left the last time. I had told her I did not want to walk around bald like most of the other kids. Showing off my bald head was something that was really hard for me to embrace, so she had spent quite a bit of money on a nice wig. She had brought it with us to Denver along with a couple of scarves and bandanas.

She brought them to the bathroom, and we tried them on. At the time, I was not able to see myself with the wig on, so I chose a bandana. Everyone had left for the church service, and I had mixed emotions about going. We finally decided to go since we hated to miss the Easter service. I was absolutely embarrassed at the way I looked, but our friends were kind and caring about what had transpired. I do remember being glad to go back to their home. The next time I had to leave the house was not so bad, and the next time, and the next time. When we returned home, I started wearing the wig exclusively and only the bandana at night or at chemo. Mom had purchased a Styrofoam head that I put the wig on, and I would style it to make it look more like how I would wear my hair. It was difficult to keep the wig on my bald head, so I used double sided tape to stick it to my scalp, and most days I wore a headband that went all the way around my head to keep it on. At thirteen years old, losing my hair could not have been more traumatic. Everything else faded into the background in comparison to what I looked like on the outside. My looks were my identity and that identity had changed so much with the hair loss.

With the wig on tight, I entered the middle school doors again for the last few weeks of school. I was all caught up with the assignments I had missed and the ones the teachers sent home in case I did not return. Some classes were behind what I had worked on so I was super excited to be back, not playing catch up, and among my friends. I still had to miss every two weeks for a chemo. They were getting to be pretty intense with the side effects. I would basically go to school on the day of chemo until the very last minute I had to get in the car, and then we would either go to Salt Lake or the pediatrician’s office in town. I would be sick for about twenty-four hours, which would make me miss one day of school, and I would head back to school the second day after chemo. I was able to keep up and at the end of May, my friends and I had eighth grade promotion. We were headed to high school!

“Oh, God, you are my God, and I will ever praise you. I will seek you in the morning, and I will learn to walk in your ways. And step by step you’ll lead me, and I will follow you all of my days.” This song is written by David Strasser. I love this song. Step by step; that is the only way I can describe this journey. Each and every step forward, no matter if it is followed by two steps back, is another step in a direction that God is leading. Do we understand why we are taking that step forward in a situation that feels absolutely devastating? We do. Because our Christian life began with a step. A change from our old ways into a new life with Christ. What an awesome step of faith; becoming a child of God! What an awesome step of faith; believing He is in control of our __________________. We each can fill in the blank with what we are going through. We can have absolute faith and confidence that if we follow, God will lead ALL of our days.