Category: September

Getting Off The Hamster Wheel

November 2023

Our lives are so fragile, yet when we live them on what some people call the hamster wheel, that fragility is not even noticed. The wheel turns. Since my last post, Christmas, trips, moves, more trips, fireworks, and school ending and beginning. How can that much time go by so quickly? When I first got married, an older lady in our church said that once you have children the time seems to speed up. I guess the developmental stages that children go through make time move forward more quickly than when we are just living a life for ourselves or newly married? I can see how that might be. But I wonder if time really is just moving forward differently because the hamster wheel has added responsibilities and added activities, and it is hard to stop time or slow down when that happens. Along with the added children are everything as parents we add to the wheel, as well.

Then…

Have we ever been driving, and up ahead we see a sequence of traffic lights, like maybe the ones that are getting us ready to meet up with an interstate or highway? There always seems to be at least one on our side of the interstate to help those turning left onto the on ramp and coming off the interstate, and then one after we pass under the overpass for us to turn left onto the on ramp going the opposite direction and help those coming off. These lights are much needed with a busy traffic interchange. As we approach, many times the lights tend to blend together. We see the one right in front of us, and also, we see the one ahead. Maybe it is just me, but a couple of times I have looked too far ahead and miss the one right in front of me change to red, and hitting those brakes comes out of nowhere; a sudden stop that throws everyone in the vehicle in a “woah” moment. Like coming off the hamster wheel. Moving forward looking ahead, maybe far ahead, then stopped.

A sudden stop; each are different. Yours is, or will be, different than mine. Listen, I am not a doomsday person, and I do not want to say that we should live our lives under the fact that we had that stop or will have that stop. But, a hamster wheel stop can be life changing and life altering, yet has the potential for us to live life afterward. I am a pure example of this. One day I was a go-get them, bossy, active thirteen-year-old and the next day, I was a cancer patient. And not just a cancer patient. I was physically sick, hurting, and dying; mentally, I was angry, unnerved, and discouraged. Plus, add any and all other physical and mental attributes of this situation. Life as we all knew it suddenly stopped, and a new life suddenly started.

Although most of us do not see day in and day out as fragile; they really are. They are the most important gifts we are given. I do not care that the hamster wheel is turning, we must be able to slow that down. Once we hit the sudden stop, like when the light turns red, then nothing is in our control. So, what next.

Let us put into place the hamster wheel slow down plan.

  1. Realization: We may say that has already been done, but the next step is insurmountable. You know, like when you are hiking that trail that takes you up the switchbacks. There are always those steps that are like two-in-one and to us short-legged people, those type of step ups, puts me in a place of unbelief that anyone would actually make steps so tall. I have done my fair share of stopping and looking up to see the steps and switchbacks as overwhelming. So, we go to the next step.
  2. Evaluation: Getting past the realization step is the one step that many times never is seen in the rear-view mirror. Many times, we won’t go past it. Hamster wheel stays turning. But if we can slow it down slightly and start on evaluating, the situation comes into focus. The giant two-steppers show up as doable, maybe at least until the next switchback. Each person and their evaluation looks different. A few years ago, mine looked like anxiety, crazy wife and mom, and I saw myself in total disarray. I was living in constant back pain, constant stress which in turn I put on myself severe anxiety. Yes, I put it on myself. We have a choice here on how the stress and anxiety affects us. My evaluation was that I could not change the circumstances.
  3. Slow down: I needed to slow the hamster wheel ever so slightly. I found ways to self-care and combat the bodily aches and pains, then remove a couple of things off the wheel, and then in turn a happier wife, mother, daughter, and friend.
  4. Move forward: a tad slower and the steps may still be just as tall but the next switchback is closer to the top, the goal. Within the evaluation, move forward with the changes. We cannot stop with evaluation; take a step. I saw changes in my health that were desperately needed; physically and mentally.
  5. Evaluate: Is this working? Are there a couple more tweaks needed? We must not think that our life has to stay where we find ourselves. God’s Word gives us insight.

Colossians 1:9-10 ” For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and understanding; That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God.”

How many “change” verbs do we see? Filled, Walk, Being fruitful, Increasing. All moving forward ideas.

Matthew 5:6 “Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.”

II Peter 1:5-8 “And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

The last verse is fantastic about not staying in one spot, but it is also so overwhelming because the list is so long. Well, start with ONE of these things. Evaluate where we are and implement a change in kindness or patience. We cannot expect anything in our lives to be different if we don’t do something about it, and God tells us to change the things that are not in line with His word. It is a doable task, or He would not be saying it. Time to slow the hamster wheel before it hits a complete stop.

What’s Next?

9/2/21

2010 – Present

My cancer journey began at thirteen in 1990, and the cancer journey continues at age 45 in 2021. How does this happen when the oncology doctor appointments are not scheduled anymore, chemotherapy drips are turned off, and your hair grows back? It continues because the side effects of a controlled substance used to fight the disease appear years later.

Immediate side effects of the chemotherapy drugs that were used in 1990. Vomiting, headaches, weight loss, hair loss, taste buds changed, large mouth sores, skin rashes, broviac-inserted IV into my chest; need I continue. Expansion of the side effects circle as a teenager-frequent school absences, lower grades, no sports, family affected, low self-esteem, bitterness began. Circle gets larger-hardness (fighter instinct), bitterness increases, keeping others at bay. Let us take a break here and go on a side effects’ rabbit trail. Once I hit Bible college and marriage, I learned these things about myself, and gave them to the Lord then, and continually pray that God will keep them at bay. Not so much about the cancer and side effects themselves, but about other things that come into my life. When you have been at a certain physical, emotional, and spiritual stage in the past and present day things come along, it is easy to revert back there if you are not careful.

Present day side effects. Well, its been 31 years since this all began, and I have to say in the last 10 years those side effects, as many of you have read in previous articles, have reared their ugly head. Infertility has been a huge part of our lives and is directly related to chemotherapy and my cancer surgery; doctor’s orders. I had a fall 10 years ago on ski slope that was so stupid; you hear that all the time-this person said they were just standing and fell over and twisted their knee up, or this other person said they hit a tree barely moving and got a concussion. Anyway a routine parallel stop when my son fell tore the ACL in my right knee. Doctor replaced it and said I had to be on crutches for eight weeks because he was concerned about minor bone loss in the femur where the newly attached ACL resided. A recent visit with the same doctor, and the bone loss is increasing; seen in long distant runners, smokers, and chemotherapy patients. I am not even remotely in the category of the first two.

Right after I had my first child, I went down for the count with severe back pain. It was what everyone else said they had when I talked about the pain; the L5 was pinching a nerve. A few years back, I told my husband I was not living in the back pain world anymore. I could not get out of bed normally, bend over at all, walk without pain, or enjoy my life. I was desperate and called a local spine doctor to get in for an evaluation. We did therapy, shots (which were so traumatic, let me tell you, to let someone put a needle in your back after 18 spinal taps during chemo, and yes I cried like a baby), and one year later he saw I had bone loss, underdevelopment in a lower vertebra, and everything would continue to settle downward. Surgery with rods and pins was the diagnosis, and his colleague would be my second opinion. His colleague did not agree; exercise, stretching, and core strength was his solution, and I have not returned because I work on those daily. No chemo side effect diagnosis, but I will take some liberty to say-how many spinal taps did I have in between those lower vertebras? and bone loss? And recently, I have seen multiple doctors concerning an eye problem. We are still in the process, but one diagnosis I was told it is caused by steroids. This is recent steroid use like eye drops or topical, but the amount of steroids I had during chemotherapy raises a red flag in my mind.

I left the oncology office 27 years ago free and clear and CURED, but God has made sure I know where and when and how I have come to where I am today by constantly reminding me WHO brought me to this place. These things are not just happenstance. They are orchestrated by Him, as my life today has been. I am not alive today because I was determined to fight, although our mental state is a huge part of our ability to heal, but I am alive and experiencing these things because GOD SAID CANCER and He chose me!

It is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Each and every person that goes through a trial like Childhood Cancer goes through it differently because God created us differently. But He chose us to go through the trial, so we are no different from each other in that aspect. God tells us in John 15:15, 16, “Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. Ye have not chosen me; but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.” God wants us to be His children. When we accept that position, He then asks us to tell others, whether that be verbally, by the way we live, by the way we speak, and even by the way we suffer. I live in constant pain and those closest to me know that, but God chose me to show others of His Healing, His Leading, and His Grace. Oh to live worthy to what He has called me to do…

J – Others – Y

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9/29/19

Spring 1997

Reaching outside of our bubble, our life, who we are, is extremely important. I realized this with a recent family trial that has turned into a journey. It began when my husband’s mom had a major stroke, and I emphasize major. Here comes the medical-there are a few types of strokes ischemic, hemorrhagic, brain stem, and cryptogenic. Hers was a hemorrhagic which is not as common and often deadly. God spared her life. We have known stroke victims, but this was our first experience first hand. Medical terminology, recovery, statistics, blood pressure, etc… are a new road of travel for her family. Many stroke victims lose something from the stroke, and no two people are affected the same. Because of this loss, the family tries to fill in the gaps. It is a trial that has an end result of a new normal. My husband, his siblings, and dad have spent endless hours learning the ropes of a stroke. This education is exhausting and ever changing. The new normal is a full focus on helping their wife and mom regain strength, movement, and cognitive ability. They have taken their lives and reached past their giving threshold and then given more. It is what a person does when life changes in an instant. Life is about others, right?

My junior year of college brought to me my first lesson about others. I had become very much aware of others when I walked into my first dorm room. My friend and roommate my Freshmen year and I grew up with only brothers so we did not have to share with any other girl in our homes. We really got along great! But then there are others when a person lives in a dorm, and one realizes that quickly. I loved each of the dorms I lived in, and for the most part it really went well. But, again, life is not just about us.

My junior year brought an opportunity to see others and serve them. I was able to work in different ministries at the church and spent time telling others about Jesus and His love for them. Our college had been taking mission’s trips each summer, and I signed up to go to the Philippines. Growing up in a pastor’s home allowed the opportunity to meet many a missionary family as they circumnavigated the United States getting ready for the final destination of another country. They are dedicated families that have said “I will go,” taken up their roots in a place they call home, said goodbye to friends and family, and would say hello to a group of people that most likely will not even know the word. These families I met growing up were just like my family, called by God to tell others, serve others. As Christians, we all have that commission.

Missionaries were my heroes. I was more than excited about going to the Philippines. The group going consisted of a couple of close friends and other college students plus a Filipino man from our church at college. He had taken a few groups over in the past, and would set up for us to be there for five weeks with national pastors. These pastors were actually Filipino men who were pastoring churches that in the past might have been started by an American missionary. Pretty cool.

We began in January getting our funds together for the trip, passports sent in, and time off of work depending on where we would be going that summer. We would spend the last week of May and the whole month of June in the Philippines. All of us were excited and began to prepare for children’s programs, testimonies, and youth services. With the preparations, it is really easy to look past what would hit a person right in the face when they go to the mission field. The people are what we are there for, and the experience of going to a foreign field and serving in a ministry aspect is priceless. But the way of living is so different than America, or the America I had experienced growing up. My parents provided all of our needs, and when we moved to Wyoming they both worked full time jobs outside of the ministry to support the family. We were very much taken care of and would have never considered ourselves in need. There are people in this country who would have needs that I had never experienced.

Going to a foreign country opens up a whole new world. People are people no matter what country we live in, and they may have many needs, but the one common ground we have is just that: we are all people, created by God with a heart and soul and mind. We all have a soul that needs Jesus. Whether we live here or in another country, the act of serving others should be in the forefront of our minds.

When a person goes to the mission field for a trip or to minister full-time, they have one goal: to serve others. They have put Jesus first and themselves last to serve others. Across this world people need the Lord. But, what if we are not sent over to another country or never have that opportunity to go on a mission’s trip? Are not people there the same as people here? Yes, they are, so let us serve them here, too. Let us tell them of Jesus. Why in the world are we too busy to do that?! Many a person, myself included, are in too much of a hurry or to even take five minutes to lay out their long schedule for their day or week. Others are the last thing on our minds. Live our lives; that is what God wants us to do. Be diligent, be responsible, but be loving and considerate of lost souls right next door to us. That cashier has a soul and our busyness might skip over that. Our soccer mom friend needs a home church. We live in the “Bible Belt” of the United States. I have met people even here that do not know about Jesus, and many that want to hear of His love. Who are we living our life for?

J-O-Y. I think most of us have the “Jesus” down. I would not question that about the majority of Christians I know. The “You” is an obvious problem with myself included. The “Others” needs a little work. I submit that if we take the amount of “Jesus” on one end of the spectrum and the “You” on the other end and meet in the middle, our “Others” might be just right. Philippians 2:3-5 sums it all up. “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus…”

Life Is Good

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9/13/19

Fall 1996

Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I am very much aware of this because my dear friend lost her little girl this year, and she is sharing her story. I am also a Childhood Cancer Survivor so of course I think about it this month. But what does this really mean to me? I have basically sat back and been a statistic: at thirteen, I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, had eighteen months of chemotherapy and spinal taps, was told cancer free and cured at seventeen. Survivor. Made it! Done.

But cancer has never left my life; it just left my body. Sure, I have not walked around telling every person I meet, “I am a cancer survivor!” Why not? I am not quite sure how to answer that, but I do know that God has placed on my heart about a year ago to tell my story. Again, the audience is small, but someone I know, let us make that, many someones I know have been or are being affected by cancer. And if any one of the someones need another step forward, maybe hearing my story will help their brain tell the nervous system to move down to the muscles in the leg and make that foot take the next step to fight this horrendous disease. Because most days, it does not feel like it is worth the fight; cancer takes so much from a person.

Childhood Cancer Awareness Month is a great time to become aware of children with cancer, and the research to fight those cancers is critical. As with most cancer patients, the family will be involved with the fight, but with a child who has their whole life ahead of them, their family is their only way of making it through. How important is family? Very. In previous posts I have shared about my family and their fight along with me to conquer this disease, and then about two of my family member’s same fight in the years that followed my diagnosis. I pretty much hate cancer. And then on the other hand I am grateful for the story I get to tell. God has done some AMAZING things in my life through Childhood Cancer.

In my cancer story timeline, I have completed eight weeks at a summer camp listening to God and seeing Him work in my life. I met a super fantastic, over the top friend who was my roommate at camp, and we quickly decided to request to be roommates in college since she was headed there for her first year and me my junior year. We were granted that request and parted ways after camp excited about being roomies again in a few weeks. I spent a couple of weeks at home and my brother, who was also planning to join me at college, and I packed up our cars and parents and headed to So. Cal. I will mention here that So. Cal. is a great place to go to college! For one, the weather is wonderful! Living in Wyoming for nine years where they say we have nine months of winter and three months where the snow is not as bad, is a bit of an overstatement, but we have shot off many a firework with snowflakes falling. That means: it snowed on the Fourth of July at least twice! Back to So. Cal. There was Six Flags, Disneyland, Knotts Berry Farm all within 30 minutes to an hour and every beach about an hour. Anyway, I enjoyed living there.

My brother and I were very excited for the new school year, and we were ready for it to begin. I was assigned a new dorm as assistant RA and my new roommate and I settled in to the college schedule. We also had fun times with a group of friends that was quickly growing. She had come down with some from her church, and I had also reconnected with my friends from the previous year. Life Was Good! I remember being on a spiritual high from the summer and anxious for the chapel services and guest speakers visiting the campus.

I had an easy life, far from my four years of cancer life. Who needs cancer? It was extremely easy to leave that all behind and enjoy what I had to the nth degree. But why is it, we go through something, and because it does not have place in our lives at the time, we push it aside and focus on other things? For me, I was moving on; I did my time and wiped my hands clean of all the ugliness of cancer. Is that bad? No, probably not. But other people are going through trials, and I should care. When Life Is Good, it is someone else’s trial. True, but I would NEVER have been able to recover, first without the Lord, and second without family and friends. Sure, I was determined to beat it myself, which is crucial, but my family and friends were my ROCK, no doubt about it. Those that prayed for me, yes, God heard those prayers. He tells where two or three are gathered in His name, He is there Matthew 18:20. Prayer is essential, but so are actions.

Raising my hand, I would be the first to admit, my cancer advocacy is non-existent, but my husband and I have invested ourselves into where we feel most compelled and that is our church and the precious people that attend with us. I applaud those organizations and groups and research for what they are doing because those people helped me fight the fight. Thank you. But many times I get complacent and sit back and say, Life is Good. Those around me are doing well, too.

Let us make sure that those trials around us stay fresh in our minds. When the diagnosis is a few months removed, are we still praying for them? When that friend who was critically injured in a car wreck, they are home and their car is crushed at the salvage yard, are we still praying or calling them up and asking if they need anything today? When that special friend lost her little one, how is she doing? Pray today for them, and then act. Not sure what actions should be taken because I feel inferior in this area, but there has to be something out there we can do. Others are worth it, right? We have our own families to care for and those around us to invest in, I understand, but let us not forget about others where the Life is NOT so Good. They will remember us when it is our turn.

James 5:13-15, “Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms. Is any sick among you?…  ….And the prayer of the faith shall save the sick”… Galatians 5:13, “For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.”