Category: Questions?

Where/How Has The Time Gone?

Recent events have brought reflection on years of the past and years, months, and days that are to come. A high school graduation, a twenty-year anniversary, a first-day-of-school pic with just one and walking into an empty bedroom of our missing college student. By the way, after spending the weekend getting him settled in and spending time, the hug and driving away was not as bad as I thought. Walking into his bedroom to pick up a little, let’s just say, I was on the struggle bus. Then when it was time to say goodnight to the boys as before, the bus kept going, so I had to text him to tell him I could not say goodnight in person, so he was getting a text. Reflecting on not “where has the time gone” but “how has it gone?”

If we evaluate our time God has given us, we can really see what is important to us. In the past week, there has been time with God, but how meaningful has it been? It can be the most important time we have as a Christian. We want to see our behaviors, our care for others, our relationship with God as meaningful, but if that few minutes is not worth the time, we need to figure out how to make it. God’s word tells us over and over those who accept Him as their Savior are His children, and if our time with our children or our parents mean so much, the same goes for God. John 1:12 says, “But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:” And in Romans 9:26, “And it shall come to pass, that in the place where it was said unto them, Ye are not my people; there shall they be called the children of the living God.”

So, we evaluate our time with God based on our time with our family. Granted, time with family can be limited with the coming and going of the members. There are times that we are like ships passing in the night at this house, but we are very much aware of interactions needed the next time the ship is in at the dock or a phone call or text to say what is going on that day. If that interaction does not happen, what kind of relationship do we have with our family? That really does not seem right. We head to a play date or event or church and we hope to see…who, because we want to cultivate a relationship with them. Then it is time to make the same eagerness a feeling for our family, and then ultimately that feeling needs to be one for God. Church is not to replace that one-on-one relationship we are to have with the one who created us as individuals. Psalm 139:14, “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” We were especially created first for Him. Church is to feed our soul through the singing and preaching of God’s Word and refresh our spirit through the fellowship of God’s people. But our soul and spirit need to be ready to receive that goodness by already spending time cultivating the eagerness for the goodness.

How has our time gone? We cannot beat ourselves up for lost time; not good. I can promise there are many more years combined that have been for God and for our family when we reflect, but let us work toward additional minutes, day, months, and years that we previously have not used for this. Eager to hear from God instead of just reading the passage for the day. Eager to read and study a subject that we feel like we are going through at that time. Eager to pray for ourselves and others for God to work. Miracles still happen, just saying. But then sometimes God is silent. We must be eager for Him!

As a teenager on death’s doorstep, there really was not much of this reflection time except for the one day my dad asked if I had ever thought I could have died. I had not; I was just trying to get all this over with to get back to normal. I was angry at cancer and hated what it had done to my life. At that time of reflection, I realized that if God had not allowed me to survive the surgery and diagnosis, I would have not gone to Heaven. I was a sinner in need of a Savior, and I asked Him to save me shortly after that. Other than that life changing moment, I still never really spent anymore thoughts on where my time was going or had gone. Let’s just get through this and my homework done or a new outfit or call my friends. So shocking, but just in survival mode. We hear about hikers in the wilderness that get lost and do whatever it takes to survive. Desperation kicks in and a strength that they had never found before comes to the surface to survive, to get out of the situation at hand.

Where has our time gone or how has our time gone? Do we see the past years and are in desperation mode to make the future new? Is that strength that we never knew we had allowed to come to the surface and make God and our relationship strong? It does not matter how old or young we are, we are responsible to take the eagerness we have for any other situation or time with others and make it the same for our God, as an INDIVIDUAL. Here is the step-by-step process right in God’s Word, one from the Old Testament and one from the New Testament. Deuteronomy 6:5 says, ” And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all they soul, and with all thy might.” And in Luke 10:27 and 28, “…Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbor as thyself. And he (Jesus) said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live.”

We Do Not Know What We Are Missing…

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10/28/19

Summer 1997

A recent sermon, make that many recent sermons, that I have heard have been about prayer. Boy, do I need the reminder. People have needs, and prayer is the conduit between us and our Faithful to Listen God. Answers are not necessarily readily available, but how many times have we heard someone say that prayer changed everything or they knew prayers were being sent up to God. Like a thousand times here! I am an obvious answer to prayer, and much of my life is as well. But, I would like to submit that some Christians would like to change their prayer life to be more meaningful. A prayer life that sees God and feels His presence. To develop this, we have to take time out of our lives and show God we mean business.

When the team and I went to the Philippines between my Junior and Senior year of college, we experienced many major life lessons. Of course, the lack of things that people have in other countries hits a person right in the face when that person was born in America. We see the videos and pictures on TV. They are portrayed to us pretty accurately from what I have seen even on a recent mission’s trip to Peru. But as a college student, it was the first time for me to see them in real life. I will never forget what I learned though. Even when the people of these countries seem to lack everything we take for granted, they are not lacking anything. Why? Because they do not know what they are missing. The way they live is all they know. They do not realize that their home could have an actual floor and not dirt, or their windows could have screens and panes and not just wood that swings out to let air and light in. They do not realize that sewage should not flow in the cut out ditches next to the road, or their clothes do not match because they were hand me downs from the local missionary who received them from Americans.

A small little, old Filipino lady beat me up with her words as we sat across from her in her one room shack with dirt floors. Through an interpreter she said that she was happy the way things were for her, and she would never change it. But the young people of her country see that Americans have so much and the only thing they want to do is go to America. They work hard in school trying to get good grades so they can get on a list to go to a college in America or try to get a job there. “Their only goal in life is to get to America.” That was crazy to me. These people had so little and never knew they had little until they saw that Americans had so much, and they wanted that life. They were the happiest, kindest people I had ever met, yet they wanted to be me?

Why did these people, whom we would consider poor and impoverished but who really were not, want to be me? It made me think what was my purpose in life? Who was I and where would I be going? I did not realize I had not answered those questions before. I did not know what I did not have was missing because I had never had it. The older people in this country were in the same boat with material things; the younger people had figured it out. They saw what was missing and knew they wanted something different. I needed to pray about this phenomenon in my life because cancer was instrumental in whom I had become.

I was not missing material things life food, clothes, family, friends. I had that covered. I had all of the things needed for a cozy dorm room, good grades, and a goal set to teach in the classroom. There was a fantastic job in college and a car to drive there. Plus, I would be graduating in a year. Absolutely nothing was missing from my life until the above questions came to light. The people from another country help me to get a hold of God in a new way and ask for the guidance that I did not know was missing. The direction in where I should be going, and who was I, really. So enlightening. I began to see answers to those questions as I searched. God gave me a peace about my career path, which would waver, unfortunately, but He would still be there to show me He was in control. God gave me a sense of purpose; looking at lost souls with a new set of eyes, and sharing the Gospel with them. He would answer for me who I was, and why He had chosen me to have cancer.

Cancer is followed by the word why. It really helps us see our prayer life in a real light. But if cancer is not near or has been placed in the far corners of our minds, what do we really pray about? Do we have a time and place for our prayers? Honestly, we NEED the time and place. God is felt and moves in our spirit and soul when we kneel before Him and fellowship in prayer. Most likely we will have a prayer list, but maybe the list should be shorter. Then we could intercede at a more intimate level when we concentrate on that name on the list and pray about their inner self, their well-being, and their needs. People all around us need us. Not only them, but we need us. We need to pray and really pray. I tend to be pretty faithful about lifting someone up in prayer when I am driving. It is a good time for me, but I would like to take more time in my “prayer closet” for me and my fellowship with a God who took my life a totally different direction than I had expected. He is pretty real to me, so I want to be the person He wants me to be.

Psalm 39:12, “Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear unto my cry; hold not thy peace at my tears: for I am a stranger with thee, and a sojourner, as all my fathers were.”

Faith in Things Not Seen

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4/18/19

I began this blog after a lunch date with a friend discussing children, school, cancer, and church. It was then and there that the tug for writing my story came to fruition. Her daughter was fighting a three year battle… My heart is heavy beyond description, but my loss has no measure to hers and her family. Her precious girl went home to be with the Lord last weekend. There is no way I can describe their loss. No way on this earth. My prayers and encouragement may be a help, but that is all I can offer.

In the last few months, I have seen families hurt by this disease, and I tried to answer the “why? “. I do not know if I have real answers, and for most people that have seen God work in their lives over and over again, they kind of already know those answers. We read God’s word, hear God’s word preached, and see Him work because of our faith. Faith is the “substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Everyone has faith in something. Having faith in God who takes every aspect of our lives in His hand and gives us hope, direction, and love makes life on earth seem bearable. He gives us evidence through answers to our prayers; whether He answers them how we want or how He wants. We can then have hope that He will do it again. Then the cycle repeats.

What are tough times? They come in all forms like taking away those who are precious to us. Cancer took other things from me: almost half my teenage years, school attendance, a healthy body, a head of hair… Tough times can only be labeled by us. We have to fill in the blanks ourselves, and no “tough time” is less important than someone else’s. They range from a broken body to financial troubles to spiritual downfalls. Whatever it is when we feel downtrodden and lost, then it is our tough time. It comes in all forms, and sometimes we do not see it until it is too late. Our relationship with God can keep our eyes open to what is around us and help us see a tough time. Then our faith is strengthened. The cycle repeats.

Cancer took so much from me, but it gave me a list of amazing things that would fill pages and pages. Which is why I have made note of many of them here. There are so many gifts and blessings that come from tough times, but it is important to grieve when we feel empty. Sometimes we cannot be strong for others anymore and just have to go to God and grieve. The grieving process is how we get back to remembering those blessings. Blessings that give us hope; blessings that increase our faith. Then the cycle repeats.

We have faith in so many things. We trust when we sit down that the chair will hold us. Our vehicle is important to our daily lives. The education we receive is used to improve our future. Each doctor we visit with helps us make decisions about our health. Faith is all around us, and we miss it sometimes. But when the tough times come, we remember what we are supposed to remember about God and His power to get us through. Next, we have to act upon it and have faith that He will. Easy to say, easy to do; because we live in faith in other things every day. I promise, it is easy to do. And then the cycle repeats.

Hebrews 11, the “Faith Chapter,” is all about people in the Bible that did do faith. Some of them in the daily things and some of them in the Godly things. Ordinary and extraordinary. But they all experienced a faith in God that brought them closer to Him. Abel offered up a sacrifice that pleased God; Abraham left his home and followed God’s leading; Sara believed and received a child in her old age; Rahab help God’s people escape. People who trusted in something they could not see but had seen the results of their faith in the past. Their faith put them in the Faith Chapter. It starts like this, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

Health, Not to be Taken for Granted

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3/12/19

Today is the 29th anniversary of when my cancer journey began. I went to the first doctor’s appointment on this day, and that doctor had a small part in saving my life…

“Don’t take that for granted.” Health is a gift we are given each and every morning we wake up, and each and every minute of every day of every week of each year. To take something for granted means to underestimate the value or expect it to always be available. When our health is compromised, boy, it sure makes us look at its value. How often do we think about the chance that it may be our last minute on this earth? I do not mean to live in a place of fear that we may die, but live in a place of realization we have to make each minute count. I think about it often. About once a week, I wake up with the prayer of thanksgiving to God for the breath I have for another day.

Very unplanned, but it just so happens that today I am getting ready to head to a doctor’s appointment for a physical. For the most part since cancer, the effects of chemotherapy have not raised their ugly head. Chemotherapy is very hard on a body; most people understand the physical effects. The long term effects have made their way into my life in recent years, and even hitting the forty year old mark has added to my demise. I have heard people say once they hit forty they had all these new health problems. I say to myself that age was really what I am dealing with, but I have had confirmation from a doctor or two that we are dealing with chemotherapy effects. Well, if I got almost 30 years of a healthy life, I feel pretty good about it. Now along the way to this point, my husband and I dealt with the emotions of infertility, and that is another story I will share.

Skiing down the mountains in Colorado on a green run with my son a few years back, turned into a torn ACL and a silly trip on the medic sled. I had made a hard stop because he had fallen and down I went. Within a few weeks, a trip to the doctor in the nearby town and one at home, a replaced ACL, and crutches for a week because the doctor did not want any weight on it. No weight is not the typical pre-op instruction, but he had some concerns. At my follow-up the doctor explained that once he was in surgery, he had seen what he thought was AVN or a blood loss in certain spots of the bone that he attached the new ACL to, so I would need to be on crutches for eight weeks. Good as gold in the seven years following and a return to the slopes; although my skiing is not as crazy or hard core. Within the last year, I have had pain and the doctor said the AVN is progressing and laid out options. He confirmed AVN would be an effect of chemo.

This is one of a few things that I have dealt with in the last year. Not all have been associated with treatment, but it has become real to me that I may be dealing with a whole new way of looking at health now. I do not want to take for granted what health I have been given as something may be taken from me in the near future. The use of my knee is very much still there, it is just painful to do certain things. In addition, my sight has been compromised, lately, and health became even more important to me than in the past. I am very interested in laying all these things out on the table today at my physical, and hear his thoughts. Once a person has cancer they just need the confirmation each year that they are doing ok. They just cannot go each year without blood work or a physical to let them know everything is good. I moved away from all of my oncologists and the hospital that treated me, so finding someone to take you on is a little uneasy.

You see, about ten years ago I walked into this doctor’s office ready to meet a doctor that could keep track of me. I had told my OB/GYN that I really should find a doctor because of my history, unbeknownst to me she was married to an adult medicine doctor. She told me about him, and my husband and I set up an appointment. The doctor was pretty excited to see me because as he put it, his “group of doctors specialize in adults with childhood cancers.” What a God-send! We have had complete work-ups, and I have come out in really good health. Praise the Lord.

Living life makes it easy to take health for granted because living life involves so much. Home life, family, work, church, sports; all of these things keep us so busy that losing our life the next minute is further from our thoughts. But I think that is ok, because I believe that God put me and each person on this earth for a purpose; to live a life for Him. When we go throughout our day, it should be our thought to give God the glory for each breath, for each healthy part of our body, and for each unhealthy. The use of arms, fingers, knees, backs, are all gifts from God. I really do thank Him for the fingers I have to type this blog article, my sight to see the words on the screen, and my back to be able to sit up. Call me crazy, but I want to encourage us to think about all the little things to be thankful.

I had a journal last year that I started writing a 1000 things to be thankful for. I really must go back to that this year and keep going because I never did finish, even though at one sitting I could write down 50. A couple of the things I wrote I was thankful for were the drips in the faucet which reminded me that we have running water, and the piano practice with the beautiful and not so beautiful notes. The little things add up and remind us how wonderful it is to be alive and have the health we have. Please remember those little things and live a life for God today. It may change tomorrow.

Our God Is An Awesome God…

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2/12/19

October 1991

I walked out of my last chemotherapy with a boat load of drugs in my system, nausea setting in, and a spring in my step. I felt like doing a cartwheel all the way to the car, but that would get me puking on the sidewalk and who wants to see that happen. Besides I did not need to start the drive-home-nausea-inducing curves sooner than experiencing it in person. But we were so excited to be at this point in our cancer journey. We had experienced it all: surgery, near death, life, hair loss, hospital stays, life, thought of reoccurrence, life, end of treatment, life… And now I could be a normal teenager, so I thought. Since this was October, we were finishing off the holidays in high spirits. By the time Christmas break rolled around, my hair was just about long enough to feel comfortable going without a wig. That first time I took it off, we had someone cut it and style it for me. It was baby fine hair and extremely soft, just like an infants hair. Well, it was brand new so what did we expect. This was the early 90’s so Aqua Net became my best friend; wait, this was the early 90’s – Aqua Net was everyone’s best friend! I cannot explain how absolutely excited I was to be able to style my own hair again, what little I had.

So Christmas break was the ultimate turning point for me as a teenager in the world of high school. I would be returning to school in January with my new hairdo. Well, I was super nervous, and I had my biggest fears come true. My wig was a long, large curly blob; remember this was the 90’s. It looked like I had a ton of hair, and some people did not know I wore a wig. Those very few people let me know how weird my new hair cut was. It was tough, but I was so very happy, I just did not care as much as I could have at the time. I recall one time at the local Rec Center where we spent a ton of time as teens playing wallyball, volleyball, basketball, and running on the track. I turned in my student ID so I could get a locker. The girl behind the counter handed me a key and was about to turn around but stopped. She grabbed the key and said she made a mistake because she had handed me a guy’s locker room key. Great, I look like a guy when I have short hair! What a blow to the gut. Makes me chuckle today, but that is probably why I have never done a shorter haircut.

Why did I live through this when others do not? Today I ask myself this question because those around me have lost their battle, and their families are left to live their lives without their wonderful loved ones. I do not understand or comprehend the reason God takes a life and let others live, but it happens every day with people losing their lives in other ways besides cancer. God has a purpose for each and every minute of the day and each and every thing we are faced with during those minutes. Because we know life and death happens, we then try to prepare for those times.

A heavy heart can be hard to explain when the events of life appear before us as something other than easy or what we may classify as “day to day life.” But I believe most people have experienced this reaction to hard times. When the term “heavy heart” is used I have a sense of slowed breathing, a pressure in my chest, a punch in the gut, a feeling of sadness that comes over my spirit. Everyone would have a different reaction, but I think we could all conclude we know the feeling of a heavy heart. When I was a teenager, we had a dog that was killed by a car, and I remember so clearly the feeling that I had of death. Yes, I realize we are talking about lives of human beings, but the feelings are the same. There was a void. I recalled that same feeling when I was at my great grandfather’s funeral, but I was so much younger, I did not remember the sense of loss as much as when we lost our dog. In my adult life, three of my grandparents passed away within a few years of each other, and I still get that feeling of emptiness, especially when I think of my precious grandmothers. I feel like something is missing and there is a heaviness. I think this is where we get the above term.

“It’s life,” someone says, “Death is a part of life.” Yes, but there is still a sense of loss that we feel and have to live with until it gets easier. I do not like that phrase either, but it does get easier. How is that possible when we have had a loss? Our God who made us, loves us, and takes care of us shows us every day that He made us, loves us, and will take care of us. We have to embrace that. During those heavy heart moments, He is there. During those hole in the heart, punch in the gut, feelings of void and emptiness, He is still there. A song immediately comes to mind:

“Our God, is an Awesome God, He reigns from Heaven above, With wisdom, power, and love, Our God is an Awesome God.” Written By, Nathan Myrick

As a Christian, we must embrace this truth, and God reminds us of this hundreds of times in His Word. These verses can be just words to those that are hurting, but I want to encourage those that are hurting, do not stop at the words. In time, make the words a type of salve that fills in the void of the loved one we are missing or make it the counterbalance to the heaviness of the heart that will out weigh and lift the weight. Or put all the words together to make a strong surface that blocks the constant punch in the gut. Maybe the words of a song are the uplifting we need to put one foot in front of the other during the few hours after a loss. Whatever our comfort, we should still take the time to grieve; that is important and part of the process of loss.

Psalm 46:1, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Proverbs 8:10, “The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it and is safe.”

Isaiah 41:10, “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

What is The Biggest Question?

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12/18/18

Cancer. Why does that word bring a gasp, an extra heartbeat, a heavy chest, a picture of someone we know? Because it literally affects just about each and every person in this world. We all have a connection to cancer because we have it or had it or through someone we know or someone we know who knows someone. There are cancer treatment centers in many towns, because it affects so many people and the need for a nearby center that focuses only on this disease is crucial. Every single day thousands of people are diagnosed with cancer, and thousands of people are treated for cancer.

Cancer. What does that mean? We see the effects of the treatment, but what exactly is cancer? The long and short of it: Our body is made up of trillions of cells, and sometimes those cells turn abnormal for one reason or another. Because cells divide, an abnormal cell divides and it does so rapidly for there is nothing to keep it in check. It can appear in so many forms, it is unbelievable; or not appear in any form on the outside which is more unbelievable. I think there are signs that maybe we overlook as regular aches and pains, but it shows itself most of the time in some form or other. My cancer appeared as a knot in my lower abdomen which was an ovary that was taken over by the cancer. I had a sign, but I was also at the tail end of puberty, so we were keeping an eye on it. I was very healthy and had no other symptoms. Because the abnormal cells divided so rapidly, my tumor was very large when the doctors opened me up.

Modern medicine has found a way to test this silent killer through different types of abnormal cell killers. Once a diagnosis is in place an oncologist will work to get the best protocol which was tested on patients in a study and proved to get results as the best treatment. Chemotherapy, radiation, surgery, etc… Chemotherapy was the only cancer treatment I received when I was diagnosed. I received it in the form of an IV drip, orally in a pill, and through a spinal tap each month. My protocol set up by the doctor for Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma had seen great results in patients, and to this day this type of cancer has a high cure rate. We saw results very quickly, but we also had many prayers go up to the Great Physician on my behalf.

Cancer. Why? Why are so many people affected by this disease? I do not know. Everyone has their thoughts about it, but there are studies of things that are known to cause this disease. We all have heard of them. Why me? I do not know. Why my family? I do not know. You see, six months after my diagnosis, while I was still going through treatments, my mom went into the dermatologist and had a spot removed on her face. It was melanoma. Cancer again became the word in our home and affected another member of the family. It was a scary time. The doctor was confident that they removed everything, and she did not have to have treatment. We let out a sigh of relief to have such great news concerning her.

Why? That question is asked when cancer is a part of two members of a five-member family unit, and our story was not quite over in this department. But the question of “why” and others are asked by the family and those around us. It does not bother you when they are asked because it can be a healing process for you to talk about what you are going through. It can be a help for those asking the questions. They might be facing the same crises or a similar one and just need a word or two of encouragement they might receive through the same conversation.

Whatever reason for my life to see cancer is only answered through my Almighty God. For me and my family; God Said Cancer. The “why” has been answered thousands of times. First off, I did not have Him fully in my life as my God and my Savior. I accepted Him as my Redeemer less than a year after the diagnosis. Secondly, God said cancer and three months later God said no cancer. My body was full of disease and the three-month scans saw not a trace. Why cancer? So God could perform a miracle. Why cancer? So the people around us could pray for us and see God work… Why cancer? So our family would become strong together in a new community… Those around my parents in the work environment would see their strength and come to our little church… We could talk to the nurses and doctors about what God did for us… I would lose my hair and feel totally embarrassed and humbled which helped me realize I was not in control… We would get a little article in the paper about my diagnosis and our church… I would lose all hope in the middle of the protocol and see God bring heart and nausea medicine to help me… Our community would come together and raise money for our cause, and remember it well when we speak to them on visits… We would travel as a family to the National Spelling Bee… These are just a few of the reasons up to this point in the journaling of our story. There are so many more before this.

Hebrews 13:21 is talking about how the God of peace “Make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is wellpleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” Every single thing in our lives is there to help us be more like Him who is working to show others the glory that is due Him. In the moment, super duper hard, but so very important. They say hindsight is 20/20, but I want my foresight to be 20/20 and want to remember to ask God for this.

Cancer. Mine is hindsight, others is now, and still others are in the future. Why? Because God has amazing things to show us. And He had amazing things to show me as I continued my journey past the one-year mark.