Category: Memories

Where/How Has The Time Gone?

Recent events have brought reflection on years of the past and years, months, and days that are to come. A high school graduation, a twenty-year anniversary, a first-day-of-school pic with just one and walking into an empty bedroom of our missing college student. By the way, after spending the weekend getting him settled in and spending time, the hug and driving away was not as bad as I thought. Walking into his bedroom to pick up a little, let’s just say, I was on the struggle bus. Then when it was time to say goodnight to the boys as before, the bus kept going, so I had to text him to tell him I could not say goodnight in person, so he was getting a text. Reflecting on not “where has the time gone” but “how has it gone?”

If we evaluate our time God has given us, we can really see what is important to us. In the past week, there has been time with God, but how meaningful has it been? It can be the most important time we have as a Christian. We want to see our behaviors, our care for others, our relationship with God as meaningful, but if that few minutes is not worth the time, we need to figure out how to make it. God’s word tells us over and over those who accept Him as their Savior are His children, and if our time with our children or our parents mean so much, the same goes for God. John 1:12 says, “But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:” And in Romans 9:26, “And it shall come to pass, that in the place where it was said unto them, Ye are not my people; there shall they be called the children of the living God.”

So, we evaluate our time with God based on our time with our family. Granted, time with family can be limited with the coming and going of the members. There are times that we are like ships passing in the night at this house, but we are very much aware of interactions needed the next time the ship is in at the dock or a phone call or text to say what is going on that day. If that interaction does not happen, what kind of relationship do we have with our family? That really does not seem right. We head to a play date or event or church and we hope to see…who, because we want to cultivate a relationship with them. Then it is time to make the same eagerness a feeling for our family, and then ultimately that feeling needs to be one for God. Church is not to replace that one-on-one relationship we are to have with the one who created us as individuals. Psalm 139:14, “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” We were especially created first for Him. Church is to feed our soul through the singing and preaching of God’s Word and refresh our spirit through the fellowship of God’s people. But our soul and spirit need to be ready to receive that goodness by already spending time cultivating the eagerness for the goodness.

How has our time gone? We cannot beat ourselves up for lost time; not good. I can promise there are many more years combined that have been for God and for our family when we reflect, but let us work toward additional minutes, day, months, and years that we previously have not used for this. Eager to hear from God instead of just reading the passage for the day. Eager to read and study a subject that we feel like we are going through at that time. Eager to pray for ourselves and others for God to work. Miracles still happen, just saying. But then sometimes God is silent. We must be eager for Him!

As a teenager on death’s doorstep, there really was not much of this reflection time except for the one day my dad asked if I had ever thought I could have died. I had not; I was just trying to get all this over with to get back to normal. I was angry at cancer and hated what it had done to my life. At that time of reflection, I realized that if God had not allowed me to survive the surgery and diagnosis, I would have not gone to Heaven. I was a sinner in need of a Savior, and I asked Him to save me shortly after that. Other than that life changing moment, I still never really spent anymore thoughts on where my time was going or had gone. Let’s just get through this and my homework done or a new outfit or call my friends. So shocking, but just in survival mode. We hear about hikers in the wilderness that get lost and do whatever it takes to survive. Desperation kicks in and a strength that they had never found before comes to the surface to survive, to get out of the situation at hand.

Where has our time gone or how has our time gone? Do we see the past years and are in desperation mode to make the future new? Is that strength that we never knew we had allowed to come to the surface and make God and our relationship strong? It does not matter how old or young we are, we are responsible to take the eagerness we have for any other situation or time with others and make it the same for our God, as an INDIVIDUAL. Here is the step-by-step process right in God’s Word, one from the Old Testament and one from the New Testament. Deuteronomy 6:5 says, ” And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all they soul, and with all thy might.” And in Luke 10:27 and 28, “…Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbor as thyself. And he (Jesus) said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live.”

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

It does not take long to be reminded of events in our lives when we begin to look at pictures from the past. In this day and age, we have a plethora of those memories at our fingertips in our pocket or purse. Many times our memories are not sharp about events until we look at pictures or videos. A recent venture down memory lane while checking out pictures for our son’s senior ad, reminded me of a slew of fun times. Most of these pictures from the last eighteen years are not on my phone, but my computer so I do not get to see them much. Love the fact that these memories are still available. The smiles are fun to see because they are formed from the enjoyment of the occasion; they were on the inside and came out because of the surroundings.

Have we ever met that person who exudes the spirit of happiness, kindness, etc…? We feel a peace, a breath of fresh air. As soon as we see them, we smile because they are smiling. We smile because we see their eyes are sparkling. They have an inside smile that comes out just when we talk to them. Have we ever met that person? I have. Granted they have their moments, but not often. I remember one sermon I heard that was about these types of people. The emphasis was about the way they see others as not just another human being standing in front of them, but a human being with feelings, worries, life choices, everything; and they want to help everything. They want to encourage others to have their best life, because they are living their best life! These people have a beam of light, not just through their smile, but through their lives, their words, and their actions. I have met these encouraging people and could list here multiple names who come to mind. After that sermon, I made sure to find a couple of them and thank them for being those people. I wanted to be like them so I asked God to bring me peace, help me to say “I love you” to my friends and family, and look at other people differently.

So my husband looks at a glass as half full, he be one of them! Me, not so much. I am a product of cancer and a sour spirit. I have mentioned how much I hated what was happening to me, and I became bitter and hateful. I pushed those things aside in college, but there are still after shocks. So many years of sourness. My husband has said to me over and over that I needed to look at the glass correctly. There is this cancer mentality that sees the world in a different light, like most people who have gone through any trial. Do not get me wrong; a strong constitution and a reason to live give a cancer patient hope. But around every corner of life cancer lurks.

I have worked extremely hard to not be anxious each time my body has an ailment. I believe God healed my body but that does not keep me from cancer. It only keeps me from not losing my mind to cancer scares. You know when a person is suffering from cancer or any trial that comes into their lives, the mind is a crazy thing to tame. Which is why we should pray and ask God to make us those people we talked about at the beginning. Those people say, “Believe God is there.” “Everything happens for a reason.” Please, do not stop! It is hard to do what they say, and sometimes it falls on ears that hear and think, “Sorry, it is not that easy!” But, please, do not stop encouraging those suffering. We need it, and I promise. There is strength in numbers even if that person acts like they are doing ok, and they say they can handle it.

From the inside out we must work on who we are and how we encourage. As I have realized over the years, it is our choice how we go about that. Galatians 5:22, 23 lays it all out on the table in two verses. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.” What do we do with these verses? We apply them to our lives. It is our choice to have love for others, to smile, to pray for peace, to be longsuffering, show gentleness and goodness, have faith, meekness, and be temperate. We choose our behavior but if we do not fill our lives and spirit and soul with the right things, then the choice to behave correctly keeps the struggle real; makes it more difficult. Luke 6:45 says, “A good man out of the treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.”

Let us all choose to work on the inside and allow the outside to show up as a better person. Those people that exude that spirit of happiness and encouragement may have it as part of their DNA, but guarantee they keep the inside work project up to code. The by product-our smiles! They are healing and worth every effort. We are all a part of a picture that is worth a thousand words.

Do You Remember When…?

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5/21/19

Fall 1994

What about the time that we …? Do you remember when…? It feels like yesterday that I was riding a bike down our alley to go to the church where my dad was a pastor. We lived a street over, and between the row of houses there was an alley where we would ride to and from the church and our school which was across the street from the church. I remember the house and my room with a large picture window. The house was two bedrooms and two bathrooms with a dining room and eat in kitchen. My parents closed off the door from the kitchen to the dining room, and it became my bedroom. It had large windows on one side where I was certain to keep the bed as far away from them as possible. I loved that room. It was somewhat decorated girly, but most of my time was spent outside with my brother who was a year younger. Our other brother was born around this time.

We had the coolest trees in the front and back yards, and we did our dead level best to conquer them all, and they in return tried to do the same to us. The tree in the front was graciously used for sitting and talking and, one time, swinging with a sheet tied between two branches. It was not too fond of that because the swing lasted a few seconds and sent me crashing to the ground, breaking my collar bone. The five, large pecan trees in the back had an amazing crop of pecans that we turned in for money, which was well worth the time spent picking them up. The trees also had the best branches for climbing extremely high, but once sent my brother to the hospital with two broken arms. Although we had our share of mishaps, we have our share of fond memories that are cherished to this day.

In my cancer journey, a trip down memory lane brings me to the point where I had recently registered for college in Southern California and am fully engulfed in my freshman year. I had a quick turnaround from Ms. Independent to Ms. Homesick. I missed my family greatly, and it was not just the fact that I was not in the same house anymore. My brother was having a medical scare of his own. My parents had taken him to the doctor who had given him the news that he had cancer cells. He had surgery to remove a tumor and cells which were localized and not spread to any other locations. But the biopsy and a return trip showed the cancer could show up anywhere in his body. This sent my parents back into Cancer Parent mode, and they began the cancer journey again for the third time in five years. They chose along with my brother’s consent, who was almost 16 at the time, not to treat with chemotherapy and radiation. Just return trips for scans and monitoring. He never had another reoccurrence!

We were so grateful and took a sigh of relief that he would not have any treatment like I had to go through. I remember being in the dorm at college and asking roommates and housemates to pray for him, his surgery, and the diagnosis. I had so many people informed and praying, and I felt like if God could heal me, He would heal my brother as well. Really never doubted but was anxious all the same. I think my family kept me minimally informed about what he had to go through. Nonetheless, he is another sign of God’s healing hand for our family, because when cancer is diagnosed, the whole family is involved.

This memory of God’s intervention was impactful. I saw God in a whole new light because before, my cancer was my cancer, and He would be giving me my life back. My mom’s diagnosis the same time as mine, was not as impactful maybe because I was a little distracted. When my brother faced the same thing, it changed my perspective of the disease. I saw it as a threat, something that was going to take family from me. I was not ok with that at all. When everything turned out so well, I mean “so well?”, how can cancer have a “so well” result? Anyway, it was a good ending. God became real to me. I learned that freshman year that my daily walk with Him was an essential part of my Christian life. I also learned about making wise decisions when the decision making is in your court for the first time. Boy, I was shown time and again that my decisions were very important to my future and would need to be bathed in prayer. I learned that my study habits from high school were strong which helped me with the intense college grind. College can pound you with the schedule, papers, tests; the work load can at times be relentless. But pushing ahead and working hard will pay off. My freshman year was no exception, and it started off with a cancer diagnosis?!?!

Three people diagnosed with cancer within a few years of each other. How does that happen? Medically, my parents have spoken to specialists. But we understand that God did it this way for a reason. We have individually seen time and again why He brought cancer into our bodies. For me, my brother’s journey really helps solidify God in my life. Stories like this, or memories, are endless for us and would take volumes upon volumes of books to catalogue each instance how God revealed why the diagnosis of cancer was made in our three lives. Our memories are used to make new memories for us and then for someone else who might be experiencing cancer, and the cycle repeats.

Memories of our past can cause pain and can cause happiness. They can cause frustration and can cause joy. A memory may have been a learning experience or a turning point in our lives that made us a better person. Many of us have old memories of a life lived without God and new memories with Him as our Savior. We can rejoice in our salvation when the “old things are passed away” and “all things are become new” II Corinthians 5:17. I am truly thankful for memories, and ask the Lord when the memory is not so pleasant to help me not be bitter or learn from what transpired. It does not always happen that way, but I want to be aware. As I write each article, memories of how the events transpired come back and reveal to me how blessed I am; how amazing God has been to me.

Hope and the Dream Fulfilled

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2/27/19

For those who are keeping up with the blog timeline, this week I was able to write up a second post which is a memory from the first summer after diagnosis. I inserted it into the timeline so it should appear on November 16, 2018. It is called, “The Last Time We…”

Spring 1992

I hit the two-year mark since my diagnosis on March 15, 1992, and cancer was a thing of the past. We had gone back to the hospital in January, and they had removed the IV tube from my chest. Now that was a really interesting feeling, but we won’t go into any more details! I was now living the teenager life. I enjoyed my favorite past times even more: shopping, talking on the phone, and hanging out with friends. At forty-seven, my past times have not really changed much, but I have added hanging out with my husband and children to the top of the list! I enjoyed monthly youth rallies with our youth group at regional churches in the Salt Lake area and school choir concerts and performances.

I was in tenth grade in our local high school. Call me crazy, but I recently found report cards and testing scores from high school. Why mention them here? I was amazed at what I found, because I had just spent months on chemotherapy and fighting cancer. I refused to stay at home or wear a mask to school. I was determined to not change my life for this even though it was changing my life. In April of my 10th grade, we were given state testing, and I scored above grade level in most everything. I was taking Spanish II, Pre-Calc, English, Science, Art and Choir along with being an aide; and I had about a 3.5/3.6. How does that happen?! I spent most of my afternoons after school doing schoolwork, and I had great teachers that would allow students to pop in before or after school for a little extra instruction. Plus, we kept them posted about my absences, and they would send home my homework when I left for treatments. I worked really hard; my GPA never really improved, but at least I stayed consistent.

Life was even more exciting for me, because I had been watching my brothers play sports for the last two years, and now it was time to join them. I had missed the opportunity to play at the high school because most of the time a person really has to make it freshmen year. They try to make the team then and see playing time, improve skills, and learn to play with each other; then the next year is a bit easier. I decided not to jump in, knowing I was behind on the ability chart. Being the spring, track was about all that I was interested in, and hurdles ate my lunch when I tried them in 8th grade. They went up to about my chest anyway. Everyone else that ran in track had these amazing long legs that could cover 8 to 10 feet with each stride. My two to three-foot span was not idle for running track, although I was fast as a kid, in my mind. Ha! So high school sports aside, I joined the local city girls fast pitch softball league. Some of the same girls that I went to school with and who played volleyball and basketball at school played for the league, too, so that made me feel better.

My brothers started the spring season in their perspective leagues. The oldest played Babe Ruth and the youngest played T-ball. Back then our little town had one four-plex that had all three size fields, and I remember on more than one occasion dad walking around from field to field watching all three of us play at the same time but at different fields. On my team, I quickly became the right fielder, then third base, and did quite well, but I am pretty sure I had the most strikeouts and walks. Either I would swing and strikeout, or I would crouch down really low where the pitcher had a minuscule strike zone and would walk me. By the next season, I figured out the batting part, because our coach told us to let the first pitch go and then on the strikes start your swing sooner than you expect to make contact. I had such a great time!

The next two years would be follow-up oncology doctor’s visits to do blood work and keep an eye on the remission I was in. In addition, we had cardiology visits to determine the next step with the heart problem that we just kept at bay during the treatments. It had not gone away so we needed to make some decisions. But, I really enjoyed the new life of activity and school all the more. Along with my past papers I mentioned above, I found other things like a huge stack of my medical reports and then a couple of school papers I wrote in English in the early fall. My English teacher kept us going with writing papers and poems. I remember she wanted us to tell about a dream we had for our life. One poem sums up my cancer experience in only a way I could tell it, and at the time we had just had the reoccurrence scare. I want to share it. (I typed it up exactly how I had typed it back then.)

Dream Fulfilled

Did I fulfill my dream, or did I waste my time?

No, this dream is accomplished, I know, in my mind

I will have gone through and finish my treatments.

Will I be ready if I have to start again?

This time will I be cured, or have to go back in?

Can I handle the pain, and keep back the tears?

The first time was hard, in the hospital on the bed

Catching up on schoolwork after I miss 2 days, I dread.

Will it all be worth it, in the end?

I think it will be

I am alive, and well, you see

With the help and support from my friends.

Most people send mail

My dream is fulfilled, and I am alive and well.

I like reading over this, because it opens up many thoughts that people go through when going through a trial. The uncertainty is definitely the underlying tone, not just because the poem is about a dream. The hope of life and health is a close second underlying tone. Lastly, the support shown did not get lost in the hard façade that I kept up for others to see. Those people made a huge impact in my ability to fight this disease. A trial takes on a whole new meaning when others are by our side. And a dream of health, full head of hair, good grades, sports, and a new life was at the forefront of my mind.

Dreams and hope. My life verse came to me after my husband and I were married, and trying to have children. It really sums up everything I have faced. Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick; but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” Hope is very real is our lives. We hope we see family again, we hope we get a raise this year, we hope for children, for health, for safety… There are times when God says wait; let Me show you later. It makes our heart hurt when we cannot see the big picture; it gives us a heavy heart which I spoke about in the last blog post. But then after the hope is deferred for a certain amount of time, the desire comes and it is even more special because of the waiting period. Maybe it is because we know our dream will be fulfilled.

The Last Time We…

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Added Blog Post

Summer 1990

Have you ever been through a time in your life when you think, “Oh, this will be the last time that we will…?” Or someone says, “Let’s make sure to plan a get together because it will be the last time…” I can recall when my siblings and I were finding our significant others and the family got together for dinner “the last time as singles before the wedding.” There was another time right before we had our first baby when my husband and I went to pizza with our close friends and over to their house for Trivia Pursuit. Our baby was due that weekend, and I was pretty sure he was coming any minute, but we needed to get together that last time as childless couples. And we were a little crazy; he was born less than twenty-four hours later.

As the children in our family and our siblings’ families get older, we have been discussing a family trip before they graduate. Life has these “last times” around many corners. When I entered the hospital doors for the first time a few months back, having it be the last time I might see the outdoors was far from my mind. It almost was the last time I would see the snow piled up in the back of the parking lot or hear the birds chirping or see the new buds on the trees. I went in with a tumor in my stomach and miraculously came out, but with cancer in its place, an IV tube sticking out of my chest, and an incision eighteen inches long on my abdomen, among other things. Praise the Lord, it did not become my last time to walk out, and I was thankful.

Because the future was not certain, our extended family engaged in discussion with my parents about getting together. We had only been away for two years, but a much needed “family reunion” was put in the works. We have family in states all over the country, literally from sea to shining sea and border to border, so this would be an extensive undertaking. But plans were made, and everyone agreed on Yellowstone National Park. The great outdoors, and close to our home and the hospital and doctors. Chemotherapy was not going to stop for a family reunion, so as many as were able made the trip across the country to meet up at a place at the base of the Teton Mountains outside of Jackson, Wyoming. It was a little ranch with hotel style rooms where the families could divide up and stay. There was a nearby pond where everyone could go fishing, and a meandering creek and trees where exploring was invited. We congregated for meals and football tossing, and then we went inside the park to see the wonderful sights of Yellowstone.

The memories are worth mentioning because the past ups and downs of the family were shared with these members who supported us along the way. My family needed this time to be encouraged and energized by seeing their families again. One memory most of us would mention about the trip was the name of the ranch. It was at a place in the creek where it split off thus giving it the name Split Creek Ranch, which by the way to my family members reading, I looked it up and found it is still there. Maybe we need another family reunion! Anyway, one particular family member videoed most of the trip for all of us on VHS tape. Her announcement as she would sign on would always have the location where she was at the ranch, but with a different name. As we watch the tapes, we love hearing Split Rock Ranch or Split Creek Rock Ranch or whatever she decided to call it that time. Absolutely hilarious, and it kept my spirits up laughing, not at her just with her about her struggles with the name. She has now gone on to be with Jesus, so these memories are priceless.

Another memory was getting all of us to see Old Faithful when it was time to go off. We waited for ever and the littles AND bigs were restless, so we decided to leave and head to the next sight. Again, this event had to do with the video camera. As we were about to the car, Old Faithful began what it does best, and started to go off. We heard it, and one of the cousins grabbed the video camera and began running with it, unbeknownst to him that it was on. So for about 30 seconds you see his feet and hear his huffing and puffing plus you can hear the geyser in the background. He slows down and brings the camera up, only to have the battery die before it focuses on the geyser. We all watched it when we got back and were laughing our way through the week with the effort and the technology fail. By the way, these memories are ingrained in all of us because they are talked about when we see each other.

The last time together? Well, that was a possibility, and we could never repay our family for their efforts. But we are family. Efforts are worth it because we are family. That same family still makes effort to see each other, and it is so very special. I will not be able to stop and name off all the family members that came, but to each of you, I am so thankful for you and what you did. Once again, the memories are priceless. Those that could not come, prayed for us, and I am a direct result of God’s healing power through the prayers of others. So they were there in spirit.

Families pass on memories. How do we have God’s Word so preciously passed on to us? Through those that share it with others. God asked us to, “Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature,” Mark 16:15. We do not have to be preachers to share God’s love and what He did for us. He is telling us to share it with the cashier, the waitress, our children’s teammates’ parents we sit next to at every game, our friends and neighbors. Whomever we cross paths with, we need to make sure they are certain where they will go if their life ended tomorrow. It is a challenge to be a witness, because what if it was their last time…