Category: Family

Christmas Time Is Here Again

December 2024

I Love Christmas time. I actually love Thanksgiving more because I do not feel as overwhelmed. There is cleaning the house and putting together the most scrumptious lunch and goodies. Where with Christmas, it is scheduling a picture taking session, then ordering the cards with all intentions of a clear photo and changing the name on the card to your name. Then after that stressful project, making sure presents are bought for family and friends, getting them wrapped, going to parties and choir cantatas, and then cleaning the house. Sometimes we head to a family member’s home in another state which involves tying up an extreme number of loose ends just to leave, on top of the regular Christmas events.

It is beyond important to take a look at the list of items to do, the list of projects done, and the list of chores and then turn on the Christmas music and dwell on the reason for the season. Have we thought about that part yet? Well, the reason for the hustle and bustle is going to be here shortly and the dwelling on the spirit of Christmas should not be left until then. In fact, it should be in every aspect of our daily lives year round. Why are we shopping endlessly for the right present for the right person? Why are we going to the event? Why celebrate? Because it is Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. As Christians, it is the only reason we should do these things. He is who we are celebrating; He is who we are honoring with our gifts to others, the message that is sung, and our connections at the parties. He has given us these opportunities.

Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Creator of all, was sent to earth as a baby. Christmas is the celebration of His birth. But the story is the most important. Why did He come? God created man in His image and to be ruler of His creation, but man sinned against God by being deceived of the devil. Sin entered into the world, so God sent His Son to take the sin of the world on Him by dying on the cross. Jesus is that bridge from this sinful world to God. Through belief that we are sinners, that Jesus died for those sins, and accepting those things and asking Him to be our Savior and bridge to God, we can spend eternity with God upon our death. The recognition of these truth from the Bible makes Christmas a part of the celebration of Christianity that should be so very meaningful. Let us make it meaningful this year.

One of the ways we can make it meaningful is to see the events in a different light. Did they come around as only a gathering time of food and fellowship? Maybe. But if we look at what the Bible says about when Jesus was born, others gathered together to celebrate His birth. Luke 2:1-19, gives the Christmas story that every choir cantata and musical at Christmastime repeats. Jesus was born and the angels came to the shepherds to tell them.

Luke 2:8-12 say, “And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shown round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.” The shepherds went looking for Jesus and found Him and His family in a stable. That gathering together to worship and celebrate the Saviour of the world, Extraordinary! Can you imagine that type of concert from the angels and the gathering in the stable? Lowly and meek, God-honoring and worshipful.

Along with the gatherings, I love giving gifts and making it the right gift. If we read in Matthew 2, wise men came from the east looking for the King of the Jews, following the star. They presented him with gifts which were very expensive gifts and an act of their worship. These gifts are an example of our gifts to God. Our lives and dedication to telling others about Jesus should be our main gift to Him. He asks us at the end of the Gospel of Matthew to tell everyone about Him and His gift of Jesus whom He sent to us. Jesus is that ultimate gift we can give to others, and especially this time of year when the emphasis of Christmas is all around us. How are we going to do that this year? Are we willing to share Jesus with those we come in contact within the next week. Grocery stores, gas stations, restaurants; we may be the only Christian someone has ever met or will meet this year. This gift of Jesus to someone without Jesus will change their lives forever.

Each year, we spend time as a family concentrating on giving God a new gift for the new year. I have tried to give Him more of my time, my thoughts, my service. And at the end of the year, I reflect on how that went for me. I have seen some amazing things happen with those gifts. I can honestly say God has taken care of me, will take care of me, and everything that is done in my life is for a reason, and I try, try, try to remember that constantly. The last few months have been evidenced again of how much He has taken care of every need. God has worked in some pretty amazing ways, and there are more to come. I have spent this year in quite a bit of physical pain, and yet, I feel healthy and strong. If the pain, were to go away would I be able to see God in my life less? Maybe so. But of course, I would rather not hurt. That gift of no pain might actually make me complacent in my daily life, sitting back and not focusing on those that are in some real debilitating pain. At least I can get out of bed every day and do my tasks. Many others may not.

Gifts and gatherings and family are Christmas, but Jesus needs to be Christmas. Today, let us look at this day as the one God has made for us and give Him our time, thoughts, and us. Celebrate Jesus as Christmas time is here again.

Getting Off The Hamster Wheel

November 2023

Our lives are so fragile, yet when we live them on what some people call the hamster wheel, that fragility is not even noticed. The wheel turns. Since my last post, Christmas, trips, moves, more trips, fireworks, and school ending and beginning. How can that much time go by so quickly? When I first got married, an older lady in our church said that once you have children the time seems to speed up. I guess the developmental stages that children go through make time move forward more quickly than when we are just living a life for ourselves or newly married? I can see how that might be. But I wonder if time really is just moving forward differently because the hamster wheel has added responsibilities and added activities, and it is hard to stop time or slow down when that happens. Along with the added children are everything as parents we add to the wheel, as well.

Then…

Have we ever been driving, and up ahead we see a sequence of traffic lights, like maybe the ones that are getting us ready to meet up with an interstate or highway? There always seems to be at least one on our side of the interstate to help those turning left onto the on ramp and coming off the interstate, and then one after we pass under the overpass for us to turn left onto the on ramp going the opposite direction and help those coming off. These lights are much needed with a busy traffic interchange. As we approach, many times the lights tend to blend together. We see the one right in front of us, and also, we see the one ahead. Maybe it is just me, but a couple of times I have looked too far ahead and miss the one right in front of me change to red, and hitting those brakes comes out of nowhere; a sudden stop that throws everyone in the vehicle in a “woah” moment. Like coming off the hamster wheel. Moving forward looking ahead, maybe far ahead, then stopped.

A sudden stop; each are different. Yours is, or will be, different than mine. Listen, I am not a doomsday person, and I do not want to say that we should live our lives under the fact that we had that stop or will have that stop. But, a hamster wheel stop can be life changing and life altering, yet has the potential for us to live life afterward. I am a pure example of this. One day I was a go-get them, bossy, active thirteen-year-old and the next day, I was a cancer patient. And not just a cancer patient. I was physically sick, hurting, and dying; mentally, I was angry, unnerved, and discouraged. Plus, add any and all other physical and mental attributes of this situation. Life as we all knew it suddenly stopped, and a new life suddenly started.

Although most of us do not see day in and day out as fragile; they really are. They are the most important gifts we are given. I do not care that the hamster wheel is turning, we must be able to slow that down. Once we hit the sudden stop, like when the light turns red, then nothing is in our control. So, what next.

Let us put into place the hamster wheel slow down plan.

  1. Realization: We may say that has already been done, but the next step is insurmountable. You know, like when you are hiking that trail that takes you up the switchbacks. There are always those steps that are like two-in-one and to us short-legged people, those type of step ups, puts me in a place of unbelief that anyone would actually make steps so tall. I have done my fair share of stopping and looking up to see the steps and switchbacks as overwhelming. So, we go to the next step.
  2. Evaluation: Getting past the realization step is the one step that many times never is seen in the rear-view mirror. Many times, we won’t go past it. Hamster wheel stays turning. But if we can slow it down slightly and start on evaluating, the situation comes into focus. The giant two-steppers show up as doable, maybe at least until the next switchback. Each person and their evaluation looks different. A few years ago, mine looked like anxiety, crazy wife and mom, and I saw myself in total disarray. I was living in constant back pain, constant stress which in turn I put on myself severe anxiety. Yes, I put it on myself. We have a choice here on how the stress and anxiety affects us. My evaluation was that I could not change the circumstances.
  3. Slow down: I needed to slow the hamster wheel ever so slightly. I found ways to self-care and combat the bodily aches and pains, then remove a couple of things off the wheel, and then in turn a happier wife, mother, daughter, and friend.
  4. Move forward: a tad slower and the steps may still be just as tall but the next switchback is closer to the top, the goal. Within the evaluation, move forward with the changes. We cannot stop with evaluation; take a step. I saw changes in my health that were desperately needed; physically and mentally.
  5. Evaluate: Is this working? Are there a couple more tweaks needed? We must not think that our life has to stay where we find ourselves. God’s Word gives us insight.

Colossians 1:9-10 ” For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and understanding; That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God.”

How many “change” verbs do we see? Filled, Walk, Being fruitful, Increasing. All moving forward ideas.

Matthew 5:6 “Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.”

II Peter 1:5-8 “And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

The last verse is fantastic about not staying in one spot, but it is also so overwhelming because the list is so long. Well, start with ONE of these things. Evaluate where we are and implement a change in kindness or patience. We cannot expect anything in our lives to be different if we don’t do something about it, and God tells us to change the things that are not in line with His word. It is a doable task, or He would not be saying it. Time to slow the hamster wheel before it hits a complete stop.

Where/How Has The Time Gone?

Recent events have brought reflection on years of the past and years, months, and days that are to come. A high school graduation, a twenty-year anniversary, a first-day-of-school pic with just one and walking into an empty bedroom of our missing college student. By the way, after spending the weekend getting him settled in and spending time, the hug and driving away was not as bad as I thought. Walking into his bedroom to pick up a little, let’s just say, I was on the struggle bus. Then when it was time to say goodnight to the boys as before, the bus kept going, so I had to text him to tell him I could not say goodnight in person, so he was getting a text. Reflecting on not “where has the time gone” but “how has it gone?”

If we evaluate our time God has given us, we can really see what is important to us. In the past week, there has been time with God, but how meaningful has it been? It can be the most important time we have as a Christian. We want to see our behaviors, our care for others, our relationship with God as meaningful, but if that few minutes is not worth the time, we need to figure out how to make it. God’s word tells us over and over those who accept Him as their Savior are His children, and if our time with our children or our parents mean so much, the same goes for God. John 1:12 says, “But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:” And in Romans 9:26, “And it shall come to pass, that in the place where it was said unto them, Ye are not my people; there shall they be called the children of the living God.”

So, we evaluate our time with God based on our time with our family. Granted, time with family can be limited with the coming and going of the members. There are times that we are like ships passing in the night at this house, but we are very much aware of interactions needed the next time the ship is in at the dock or a phone call or text to say what is going on that day. If that interaction does not happen, what kind of relationship do we have with our family? That really does not seem right. We head to a play date or event or church and we hope to see…who, because we want to cultivate a relationship with them. Then it is time to make the same eagerness a feeling for our family, and then ultimately that feeling needs to be one for God. Church is not to replace that one-on-one relationship we are to have with the one who created us as individuals. Psalm 139:14, “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” We were especially created first for Him. Church is to feed our soul through the singing and preaching of God’s Word and refresh our spirit through the fellowship of God’s people. But our soul and spirit need to be ready to receive that goodness by already spending time cultivating the eagerness for the goodness.

How has our time gone? We cannot beat ourselves up for lost time; not good. I can promise there are many more years combined that have been for God and for our family when we reflect, but let us work toward additional minutes, day, months, and years that we previously have not used for this. Eager to hear from God instead of just reading the passage for the day. Eager to read and study a subject that we feel like we are going through at that time. Eager to pray for ourselves and others for God to work. Miracles still happen, just saying. But then sometimes God is silent. We must be eager for Him!

As a teenager on death’s doorstep, there really was not much of this reflection time except for the one day my dad asked if I had ever thought I could have died. I had not; I was just trying to get all this over with to get back to normal. I was angry at cancer and hated what it had done to my life. At that time of reflection, I realized that if God had not allowed me to survive the surgery and diagnosis, I would have not gone to Heaven. I was a sinner in need of a Savior, and I asked Him to save me shortly after that. Other than that life changing moment, I still never really spent anymore thoughts on where my time was going or had gone. Let’s just get through this and my homework done or a new outfit or call my friends. So shocking, but just in survival mode. We hear about hikers in the wilderness that get lost and do whatever it takes to survive. Desperation kicks in and a strength that they had never found before comes to the surface to survive, to get out of the situation at hand.

Where has our time gone or how has our time gone? Do we see the past years and are in desperation mode to make the future new? Is that strength that we never knew we had allowed to come to the surface and make God and our relationship strong? It does not matter how old or young we are, we are responsible to take the eagerness we have for any other situation or time with others and make it the same for our God, as an INDIVIDUAL. Here is the step-by-step process right in God’s Word, one from the Old Testament and one from the New Testament. Deuteronomy 6:5 says, ” And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all they soul, and with all thy might.” And in Luke 10:27 and 28, “…Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbor as thyself. And he (Jesus) said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live.”

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

It does not take long to be reminded of events in our lives when we begin to look at pictures from the past. In this day and age, we have a plethora of those memories at our fingertips in our pocket or purse. Many times our memories are not sharp about events until we look at pictures or videos. A recent venture down memory lane while checking out pictures for our son’s senior ad, reminded me of a slew of fun times. Most of these pictures from the last eighteen years are not on my phone, but my computer so I do not get to see them much. Love the fact that these memories are still available. The smiles are fun to see because they are formed from the enjoyment of the occasion; they were on the inside and came out because of the surroundings.

Have we ever met that person who exudes the spirit of happiness, kindness, etc…? We feel a peace, a breath of fresh air. As soon as we see them, we smile because they are smiling. We smile because we see their eyes are sparkling. They have an inside smile that comes out just when we talk to them. Have we ever met that person? I have. Granted they have their moments, but not often. I remember one sermon I heard that was about these types of people. The emphasis was about the way they see others as not just another human being standing in front of them, but a human being with feelings, worries, life choices, everything; and they want to help everything. They want to encourage others to have their best life, because they are living their best life! These people have a beam of light, not just through their smile, but through their lives, their words, and their actions. I have met these encouraging people and could list here multiple names who come to mind. After that sermon, I made sure to find a couple of them and thank them for being those people. I wanted to be like them so I asked God to bring me peace, help me to say “I love you” to my friends and family, and look at other people differently.

So my husband looks at a glass as half full, he be one of them! Me, not so much. I am a product of cancer and a sour spirit. I have mentioned how much I hated what was happening to me, and I became bitter and hateful. I pushed those things aside in college, but there are still after shocks. So many years of sourness. My husband has said to me over and over that I needed to look at the glass correctly. There is this cancer mentality that sees the world in a different light, like most people who have gone through any trial. Do not get me wrong; a strong constitution and a reason to live give a cancer patient hope. But around every corner of life cancer lurks.

I have worked extremely hard to not be anxious each time my body has an ailment. I believe God healed my body but that does not keep me from cancer. It only keeps me from not losing my mind to cancer scares. You know when a person is suffering from cancer or any trial that comes into their lives, the mind is a crazy thing to tame. Which is why we should pray and ask God to make us those people we talked about at the beginning. Those people say, “Believe God is there.” “Everything happens for a reason.” Please, do not stop! It is hard to do what they say, and sometimes it falls on ears that hear and think, “Sorry, it is not that easy!” But, please, do not stop encouraging those suffering. We need it, and I promise. There is strength in numbers even if that person acts like they are doing ok, and they say they can handle it.

From the inside out we must work on who we are and how we encourage. As I have realized over the years, it is our choice how we go about that. Galatians 5:22, 23 lays it all out on the table in two verses. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.” What do we do with these verses? We apply them to our lives. It is our choice to have love for others, to smile, to pray for peace, to be longsuffering, show gentleness and goodness, have faith, meekness, and be temperate. We choose our behavior but if we do not fill our lives and spirit and soul with the right things, then the choice to behave correctly keeps the struggle real; makes it more difficult. Luke 6:45 says, “A good man out of the treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.”

Let us all choose to work on the inside and allow the outside to show up as a better person. Those people that exude that spirit of happiness and encouragement may have it as part of their DNA, but guarantee they keep the inside work project up to code. The by product-our smiles! They are healing and worth every effort. We are all a part of a picture that is worth a thousand words.

The Weather Outside…

February 2022

It has been a while since I was able to sit down and share. But I hope to get into more of a routine with my time and the ability to continue writing. Today, has allowed me some time because of the weather. I choose to stay indoors when we have bad weather if at all possible. The weather where we live has a saying, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a few minutes, and it will change.” Two days ago, I took off my staple outfit accessory, a cardigan, because I was so hot driving around running errands in seventy-degree weather. Today, we have had a record sleetpocalypus, where there is easily an inch or two of sleet on the ground, and it is thirteen degrees at noon. Next week’s weather forecast? You guessed it, back up in the seventies. This has happened multiple times this winter, not quite as hot but just as unpredictable.

I guess that is life, right? In past blog articles, I have mentioned how a five second phrase can change the course of your life or how our lives are like roller coasters in the twist and turns they make. Our current world roller coaster has taken many of us on a journey we would have never imagined. Locked up in our homes for weeks without interactions with our families and friends other than on a screen. Many of our dearest friends have lost loved ones or almost lost them. Actually, family and friends have lost loved ones just because of a difference in opinion. Tragic.

Wait a few minutes, because the weather outside… so is that fear or flexibility. There would be many that would say it is fear and others that fly by the seat of their pants. I envy the latter person because I try, but I still seem to lose it once in a while as I try to be flexible. A Godly fear is pertinent to our life as a Christian. Ecclesiastes 12:13 says, “Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.” Job 28:28 says, “And unto man he said, Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom; and to depart from evil is understanding.” So there is fear AND flexibility. They do run together, but when they become separated, then we see problems.

Fear can allow us to improve our surroundings and on the other side take us to places we have a hard time removing ourselves from. As a cancer survivor, I have made a choice to live a full life outside of the fear of reoccurrence. But then those times kind of just crop up. A couple of past articles have touched on two or three “cancer scares.” I really do not like to go to the doctor, maybe because of that one time that I went ended up being the worst moment in my life. I also do not like to take medicine and vitamins, and for years did not. Maybe because, well, you know. But living in fear that the next doctor’s appointment might be the same as that moment years ago, puts a limit on what I kind of need to accomplish in my life. Two years ago, I had struggled with a call to the doctor that was necessary. This was a struggle because of this pain in my side, and I did not want to know if it was bad. If you google diagnose, it tells you that you are dead tomorrow. Stay away from those diagnoses. There is a lot of great information, but when you have survived cancer, that word pops up every time I want information, and it is unnerving. So, a quick exam and CT scan gave both myself and my doctor relief as it was something else and was treated quickly.

The fear that stops us in our tracks is mentioned many times in God’s word. Isaiah 41:10 says, “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of righteousness.” POWERFUL! Philippians 4:6,7 says, “Be careful for (fear) nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Did you see all those big words? In everything do not fear, pray, ask fervently, be thankful, request. In one verse, it tells us the solution to the wrong fear! When we change the way we look at fear, we make it a Godly fear. Again, POWERFUL!

God gave me purpose when He said cancer. He showed me that fear and flexibility can be used for good for myself, for the good of others, and for the furtherance of the gospel. He showed me that the weather outside, although it may be seventy and warm, may tomorrow be thirteen with bad roads. Those roads, not by choice, get me back to where I can enjoy taking the cardigan off when it is warm. Godly fear and flexibility working together.

What’s Next?

9/2/21

2010 – Present

My cancer journey began at thirteen in 1990, and the cancer journey continues at age 45 in 2021. How does this happen when the oncology doctor appointments are not scheduled anymore, chemotherapy drips are turned off, and your hair grows back? It continues because the side effects of a controlled substance used to fight the disease appear years later.

Immediate side effects of the chemotherapy drugs that were used in 1990. Vomiting, headaches, weight loss, hair loss, taste buds changed, large mouth sores, skin rashes, broviac-inserted IV into my chest; need I continue. Expansion of the side effects circle as a teenager-frequent school absences, lower grades, no sports, family affected, low self-esteem, bitterness began. Circle gets larger-hardness (fighter instinct), bitterness increases, keeping others at bay. Let us take a break here and go on a side effects’ rabbit trail. Once I hit Bible college and marriage, I learned these things about myself, and gave them to the Lord then, and continually pray that God will keep them at bay. Not so much about the cancer and side effects themselves, but about other things that come into my life. When you have been at a certain physical, emotional, and spiritual stage in the past and present day things come along, it is easy to revert back there if you are not careful.

Present day side effects. Well, its been 31 years since this all began, and I have to say in the last 10 years those side effects, as many of you have read in previous articles, have reared their ugly head. Infertility has been a huge part of our lives and is directly related to chemotherapy and my cancer surgery; doctor’s orders. I had a fall 10 years ago on ski slope that was so stupid; you hear that all the time-this person said they were just standing and fell over and twisted their knee up, or this other person said they hit a tree barely moving and got a concussion. Anyway a routine parallel stop when my son fell tore the ACL in my right knee. Doctor replaced it and said I had to be on crutches for eight weeks because he was concerned about minor bone loss in the femur where the newly attached ACL resided. A recent visit with the same doctor, and the bone loss is increasing; seen in long distant runners, smokers, and chemotherapy patients. I am not even remotely in the category of the first two.

Right after I had my first child, I went down for the count with severe back pain. It was what everyone else said they had when I talked about the pain; the L5 was pinching a nerve. A few years back, I told my husband I was not living in the back pain world anymore. I could not get out of bed normally, bend over at all, walk without pain, or enjoy my life. I was desperate and called a local spine doctor to get in for an evaluation. We did therapy, shots (which were so traumatic, let me tell you, to let someone put a needle in your back after 18 spinal taps during chemo, and yes I cried like a baby), and one year later he saw I had bone loss, underdevelopment in a lower vertebra, and everything would continue to settle downward. Surgery with rods and pins was the diagnosis, and his colleague would be my second opinion. His colleague did not agree; exercise, stretching, and core strength was his solution, and I have not returned because I work on those daily. No chemo side effect diagnosis, but I will take some liberty to say-how many spinal taps did I have in between those lower vertebras? and bone loss? And recently, I have seen multiple doctors concerning an eye problem. We are still in the process, but one diagnosis I was told it is caused by steroids. This is recent steroid use like eye drops or topical, but the amount of steroids I had during chemotherapy raises a red flag in my mind.

I left the oncology office 27 years ago free and clear and CURED, but God has made sure I know where and when and how I have come to where I am today by constantly reminding me WHO brought me to this place. These things are not just happenstance. They are orchestrated by Him, as my life today has been. I am not alive today because I was determined to fight, although our mental state is a huge part of our ability to heal, but I am alive and experiencing these things because GOD SAID CANCER and He chose me!

It is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Each and every person that goes through a trial like Childhood Cancer goes through it differently because God created us differently. But He chose us to go through the trial, so we are no different from each other in that aspect. God tells us in John 15:15, 16, “Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. Ye have not chosen me; but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.” God wants us to be His children. When we accept that position, He then asks us to tell others, whether that be verbally, by the way we live, by the way we speak, and even by the way we suffer. I live in constant pain and those closest to me know that, but God chose me to show others of His Healing, His Leading, and His Grace. Oh to live worthy to what He has called me to do…

Brave in the Face of Fear

bridge 1

7/30/2020

Fall 2001

How many times in our lifetime have we heard, “Be brave, you can do this?” As a little girl and as a parent the words, “Jump, I will catch you,” were said many times. To be brave is to take everything inside of us, since we have no control over it, and look out at the situation at hand and … step? jump? speak? breathe? Brave means many different things, but it will always mean to show no fear when faced with danger or difficulty. But “show no fear?” If we show fear, are we brave?

When cancer goes from being a word someone else heard in their doctor’s office, to a word that WE hear laying in a hospital bed from the lips of our doctor, FEAR. When the vehicle we are driving in veers off the road or is hit by another vehicle, FEAR. When we are up all night with a child who is sick with a fever or cannot breathe because of an infection, FEAR. In all of these and any other fearful situations, is it ok that we show fear even though we should be brave? You bet; we are brave even when we do not show bravery at certain times in our lives because of circumstances like these.

As God had finally given me my future spouse, a couple more fears resurfaced which had been pushed to the back of my mind and heart from my cancer days. Finally, I would be discussing with the man of my dreams that my past would be affecting our future. One of the final discussions with my oncologist was the fact, that a medically known fact about the cancer drugs that were administered through that tiny tube sticking out of the middle of my chest for eighteen long and grueling months, caused infertility. Because cancer destroyed one of my ovaries, and it had to be removed in the initial surgery, along with that medical fact about the drugs, bummer, having children was not looking too promising. And now all that information had been in the back of my mind for that last eight or so years, and it was time to share this with the man who decided I was the one for him. I was in utmost nervousness. Another side effect!

The discussion went like this. Oh, wait. I never had to bring it up. One evening as we were about to spend some time in chit chat, he quickly said something like this, “I know that you had cancer, and many of the drugs, from what I understand, can cause infertility. There are plenty of children out there to adopt.” What in the world is wrong with this guy?! He basically just summed up my mind’s recorded conversation with the man of my dreams in just two sentences?! Well, that was easy! And that fear and the burden which I did not realize I was carrying, just melted away with the biggest sigh of relief; outside of my SALVATION and the words, “You are officially considered cured.” And at that moment I knew God had brought my future spouse into my life to love me just the way I was, infertile and all!

The fear of a person not accepting me was really not noticeable, but it was there. I was brave and had been brave during my difficult cancer treatments. I had been brave to share with this man my fear of infertility. If I had stayed away from that discussion, even though I did not initiate it, I would have been in denial, and Satan can thrive in denial. To be brave in any circumstance shows others that there is Someone helping us conquer those fears, insecurities, expectations. God was there through my cancer trial, in fact, God Said Cancer, and He would be there through every single, unpleasant side effect that came my way; which by the way, He knew they would. I can live in fear, but bravery is so much more pleasant. That is hard to remember on a day to day basis, though.

I tend to be a scaredy cat about the silliest little things. Heights are one of them. Put me on a roller coaster, and they really do not bother me. I tend to stay away from them though because, side effect alert, bad back in need of surgery. But before my back and neck problems, I truly enjoyed them. But I cannot stand heights. A few years back my husband and I went on a short trip with friends. One of the excursions was walking out on a concrete bridge spanning a deep gorge. Mind you, we had just drove over the bridge and at the time cars were coming over the bridge as we made our trek across. I could not even get 25 feet onto the bridge before my fear kicked in, and I about had a fit right there in front of all of the other trekkers. I immediately turned around and watched as the rest of group kept going. They have great “couple” pictures in the middle of the bridge, and there is my husband all by his lonesome. Cool picture, though!

Bravery was not in my vocabulary that day. I showed 110% fear in the face of danger and difficulty, and why was I ok with that? My own decision not to cross. My own decision not to trust. I have a fear of heights, and I let Satan talk me into trusting myself instead of trusting something that was undoubtedly trustworthy; that bridge, which I might add, has not fallen and most likely will not fall. God is trustworthy and if I had looked past the bridge part of it and just trusted in God, I could have made it out there with them.

Going through cancer treatments brought moments of bravery, and I pushed through much fewer moments of fear or I would not be here today. A person must see that they are going to come out of it on the other side or the fear is intoxicating. It takes a person’s ability to take the next breath, to see an end in sight, to live; if we only live in fear of what is before us. Granted, I am not or have not gone through many, many things that others have gone through, so I cannot know how each individual situation makes a person feel or fear, but let me tell you, I know fear and I have been through some extremely hard times. I came out on the other side of those times trusting in a God who is the Great Physician, Jehovah Rapha; God who is There, Jehovah Shammah; God who will Provide, Jehovah Jireh; God of Peace, Jehovah Shalom. Trust in Him! He is there always, we have to take our fears and place them at His feet; ask to be brave with the situation before us, and JUMP!

Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” We can! It may be a struggle, and we may still cower in the face of danger, which is perfectly ok, but we can do it. I was raised in a family of singers. We spent many a service in the sanctuary of our little church, raising our voices to God for His goodness. Shortly after my diagnosis, my mom found this song and encouraged me to sing it. I think it was helpful for me to see that I was denying being sick most of the time, and needed to see that in reality, I can be brave and should be brave, but I was still human.

Warrior Is a Child by Gary Valenciano, Sung by Twila Paris

Verse 1: Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right,

But even winners can get wounded in the fight,

People say that I’m amazing, I’m strong beyond my years,

But they don’t see inside of me, I’m hiding all the tears.

Verse 2: Unafraid because his armor is the best,

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest,

People say that I’m amazing, I never face retreat,

But they don’t see the enemies, that lay me at his feet.

Chorus: They don’t know that I come running home when I fall down,

They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around,

I drop my sword and cry for just a while,

‘Cause deep inside this amor, The Warrior is a Child.

Hi, Mom!

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5/9/2020

For most of us women who have desired, wanted, had a child, Mother’s Day is the best and worst day of the year. I plan to go in to detail of my years of infertility in future blog articles, but today I would like to reflect a little on my journey and give an idea of what other precious ladies may be going through this day of celebrating moms.

As many times before, let me preface my thoughts with, cancer takes so much from us. As a girl playing Little House on the Prairie with my beloved and amicable younger brother, I had enjoyed being mom. Maybe because I am a very bossy person to begin with, but we will not discuss my faults here. As a teen, I began to see light at the end of the tunnel when treatments ended and doctors gave us the green light for actually living a full prosperous life, even a life at all was a good deal in my mind. But that day when we were sitting in that little white exam room, I clearly remember the doctor going over a few things about what we should expect, or what we might expect in the health department. Let me just say, he forgot a few things, but it was not his fault.

One thing he mentioned was that we should keep in touch and come in once a year for a couple, then every five, then if needed. This hospital was a research hospital, and I was an excellent candidate for information. Granted he did not refer to me as a specimen; he wanted to continue to see us. If we moved, he encouraged me to have regular doctor’s appointments and tests wherever I lived. Another thing he mentioned is keep a cardiologist close by because of my heart condition. Lastly, or maybe it was the only thing I heard because any words after went in one ear and out the other, was that two of the drugs are known to cause infertility. Since I was getting ready to graduate, head to college, and hopefully find the man of my dreams, I might want to remember that when it was time to start a family.

Well, remembering was definitely not a problem. It truly stayed in my thoughts that day, and then teenagering continued and starting a family was far in the future. Graduation, college, a couple of moves, my career began, and Mr. Right came along. The doctor’s words surfaced, and I wondered how I would have this discussion with Mr. Right. He shared his thoughts with me on the subject before I even brought it up. He was much aware of the fact I was a cancer survivor and mentioned to me that he knew if we could not have kiddos, we would adopt. That brought everything into perspective quickly, and oh, let’s get married now, you are so wonderful! I knew he was the one for me if he was willing to give up ever having his own children to marry someone who possibly could not.

Our first baby came 18 months after marriage, and the doctor’s words were forgotten. Who says those cancer drugs cause infertility? Well, they did not affect me and my one ovary! We are cancer free and having babies. So long, cancer side effects, hello perfect life! Four years later and trying for another baby most of that time, the doctor’s words were not only at the front of our minds, they were passing our lips as we spoke to another doctor in a different field of medicine. She encouraged us to keep trying and consider infertility options. We left saying we would pray about it and save. Before we started our infertility options, miracle baby came almost two years later.

Motherhood has been an amazing journey. I love those boys more than I can express. They are hilarious, hard workers, loving, and made me a mom. Doctors said it would be medically difficult. But only by God’s grace, His healing hand, do I get to celebrate Mother’s Day this year. There are many women all over the world who have a similar desire to have children, and yet, for some reason they have not. They hurt on Mother’s Day. I am so sorry. Please understand, I can feel some of that pain, too. They may celebrate their moms on Mother’s Day, but when others post the pictures of their kids starting school, opening presents, eating ice cream hanging upside down in a tree, lemonade stands, baseball games, knee surgeries, they celebrate with us, but the ache is overwhelming. Those women hurt year round, and then Mother’s Day comes and the ache is like a knife.

For moms, we should celebrate our children, please do not take this wrong. I did not have to celebrate Mother’s Day in my married life without a child because God gave us one within two years of marriage, but I did have to celebrate year after year with a desire to have another child, and after having a second, repeat. God has not given us any more children, but I am so grateful, 100 times over grateful, for my husband, my children, and my infertility.

This verse was my infertility verse. Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” I have been down the road of a hurting heart, a desire to have children, and when they came, they were my tree of life.

Cancerversary

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3/15/2020

Seasons are times of change in temperature, weather, and clothing. They bring to us new schedules like a school year to a summer break and transitions from one sport to the next. Any one person would give their honest opinion of their favorite season because just about every person has a favorite. My top season would be spring with a close second season, fall. I love spring because the chill is not constantly keeping me in a coat, and I can get away with a sweater or light jacket.

When a person ponders the seasons, there can be so many lessons to learn. Spring gives us the saying for March, “In like a lion, out like a lamb,” meaning the first of the month tends to keep winter around and the last part of the month sees a tad warmer temperature and the beginnings of spring. I begin to put a plan in place for the tiny garden in the back yard. I am not much of a green thumb, but I keep trying. I can grow jalapenos well, but we do not eat them so I have not figured out why I keep planting them. Because they always do well, and I feel like I am growing something? Whatever. Spring is a picture of new growth, turning over a new leaf, doing things new; oh, and cleaning out the dreaded closets!

Summer has been mentioned in a previous post and helps me evaluate what is most important with extra time spent with family on our annual vacation. It is a picture of slowing down. There are so many new hours to fill without school and longer evenings. Barbeques and visiting with friends and family. Summers can be really busy for some, but still has a connotation of “let us take a minute to… ?” Fall, now that is a season that a large majority of people love. Whether it is Pumpkin Spice Lattes or hayrides or the changing leaves. It is definitely at the top of the “Favorite Season” list. Winter comes in dead last. Sorry, winter lovers, but I am not a fan of the cold or snow.

As I ponder the changing seasons, today marks a huge ‘VERSARY for me. March 15, 1990, thirty years ago, was a day I went into surgery to remove a mass in my stomach, but came out eight hours later with a cancer diagnosis, an eighteen inch long scar, an ovary removed, a broviac for chemotherapy, and a laundry list of other things. This day changed my life forever, no question about that. I have tried to express those changes on the blog throughout the last year and half by telling others what we went through; me personally with my family that stood by my side. But when doctors said “you are good,” I thought for sure those changes were done as well. Obviously, that was not going to be the last I time I would spend with doctors concerning this disease. The long term effects have “haunted” me ever since.

1999/2000

In my cancer journey, I finished my first year of teaching in 1999 and had a great summer working for a chiropractor. I made sure I never worked another summer; my contract was year round and starting school again was hard after working all summer. Starting my second teaching year, I was excited because I was moved to a much larger classroom with a new setup and new decorations. But a couple of months into the school year, I knew I had a problem. I noticed a place in my lower abdomen that did not feel normal. I had been down this road before and the outcome was devastating. “Fear washed over me” is an understatement. I do not know how I kept it together, but after a discussion with my mom on how to go about this (remember I did not have insurance), we decided to go into our family doctor and plan on the worst. Doctor appointments, CT scan, whatever it took for me to go down this road again. Insurance bare.

I would need to go to my principal and give her a heads up, at least take off a day to get the tests done, and ask for prayer. I could not hold it together when I met with her. Most people who know me realize I am not much of a crier. Come on, I had two brothers and no sisters, and I have two sons and no daughters. Crying does not come at the drop of a hat. I think I have cried in front of my husband less than ten times in seventeen years. Nothing wrong with crying, please understand me, but I am not a crier. So that fateful day in early fall 1999, crying was at the top of the list while I explained my dilemma. My principal was thoughtful, caring, and we discussed what should happen next. First, we needed answers and in the process she would also put in place a plan if the end result was not what we wanted.

We scheduled the doctor’s appointment, and with my history, he in turn got me right in for the CT scan. Barium, again! Oh, the most awful drink on this earth. Why, can they not figure out another way to do a full CT scan on a belly a different way? Time might have changed this process, but twenty years ago, it was the same barium and the exact same smell that made me want to puke. I did return to school the next day and waited anxiously for the results. When the phone rang, a wave of anxiety about took me to the ground, and I have wondered if I was white as a ghost. “Nothing to worry about,” the doctor said. “It looks like scar tissue.” Have you ever took in a long, deep breath that seemed to last for a minimum of a full minute? Of course, they do not last that long, but it feels like it when the relief from the anxiety is literally traveling out of our body through each finger and toe. The saying, “weight of the world on my shoulders,” was so real during that time, and now it felt like God had lifted it off. He said, “Trust me. I healed you from the beginning. This may be a part of the side effects, but you are in my hands.”

Pretty crazy, that my cancer journey timeline and blog article today happens to have a cancer scare in it, on the day that the cancer scare came to fruition thirty years ago. I am so grateful for every step on my journey, every step. Not only the good ones, because I really rejoice in those, but the hard ones; the ones that make a person feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. God tells us in I Peter 5:7, “Casting all your care upon him for he careth for you.” He says in Psalm 37:23, “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord; and he delighteth in his way.” He has us taken care of. I am so grateful.

 

What Happens When God Chooses Us To…?

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1/4/20

When we live our lives with God’s direction as priority, the above question shines bright. What happens when God chooses us to…? Chooses us to lose a baby before birth. Chooses us to hear the doctor’s words that take your breath away. Chooses us to say goodbye for the last time to your loved one as they walk out the door or breathe their last breath. What happens when He says that it is our turn to face this? Every day life can be monotonous; school, sports, work and even church attendance. Our schedule Monday through Friday each week stays the same except for the occasional party or get together. Our weekends can consist of sporting events, get togethers, and church. It is what we do and where we go to the point that our car is on auto pilot. But God has a plan for each of our lives, and when we choose Him, He will lead us and guide us through that plan.

As a Christian, God directs us in His word to be a LIGHT:

I John 1:7 “But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.”

Matthew 5:16 “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in Heaven.”

To share the GOSPEL:

I Peter 3:15 “But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear;”

Matthew 9:37, 38 “Then saith he unto his disciples, The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few; Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest.”

To follow His STEPS He has for us:

Proverbs 3:5, 6 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

Psalm 32:8 “I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.”

Hold on though. What if those steps are devastating? Here are some of His promises:

Isaiah 33:3 “Call unto me and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.”

Proverbs 18:10 “The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.”

John 10:29 “My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all: and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father’s hand.”

Isaiah 43:2 “When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee; when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.”

His word is written for those devastations! It is our written guide. So amazing the promises that are given to us; it gives me goose bumps. How comforting and overwhelming at the same time.

Our family travels each summer to places we think everyone will enjoy. Every other year or so it is a place we have not explored as a family; possibly my husband or I have been there, but not with the family. I enjoy the concept of a new place and appreciate the vast amount of information that can be gathered at my fingertips. What to do and how long to be there often starts off the process, and with that comes reading websites and reviews from others that have tread the ground we will be covering. There are many decisions made based on what we find out. After the timeline is in place, the accommodations are a priority, then back to websites and reviews. On more than one occasion, if the location is a tourist spot, we will buy a guide book from the local bookstore or check them out from the library. We enjoy taking them on the trip. We also have this amazing book someone gave us that has each state in the U. S. which lists spots that are not necessarily high volume tourist places. “Off the beaten path.” A road less traveled by the multitudes which means not a major highway or two lanes; sometimes even a dirt road. We have seen more cool places using this guide book than we can remember. Many times we do not have time to take the detour, but at least once on each trip made Google maps and “make a U-turn” go crazy.

God has His word telling us of the path many have trod. It is our guide and gives us encouragement to hear of those that have traveled our same road. We turn to prayer and God’s word to see what those before us did and maybe how they handled it, whether right or wrong. But “off the beaten path” becomes those times none of us want to go through. God chooses us to make those trips. When God Said Cancer to my family, we had no idea what was going on. Every doctor visit, needle, medicine was a new road to travel down with the large street sign named Cancer. The detour went forever and ever, and the bumpy road was a killer to the back and neck all the way up to the head. I was not happy about this detour; in fact, I was angry. At 13, I could not wrap my brain around the fact that God was asking this of me. But, I learned eventually. In previous posts, I wrote of finding God and His goodness in my situation. I knew I would not have survived this beast if it had not been for God’s healing shortly after diagnosis, and because of that and the possibility of death, I found Jesus’ redemption and salvation.

Two steps forward: good scans. One step back: 24 hour headaches. Two steps forward: got an A on my science test. Three steps back: hair falling out in the bathroom. God is choosing me for this? He is sending me on this detour and actually guiding me this direction? Why!!! Answers after answers including the back and forth steps mentioned above came my way. As an adult, He has shown me 10-fold the answers, and they are pretty amazing. But it does not change the fact that God could still choose me for ….? And God is choosing each of us for…? What will we do with that choosing? Our response is not going to be love, peace, thank you, God. There is too much hurt in the moment and moments to follow, but He is there watching and guiding and as long as we remember that, I hope we can eventually say, God Has Chosen This For Me.

 

We Do Not Know What We Are Missing…

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10/28/19

Summer 1997

A recent sermon, make that many recent sermons, that I have heard have been about prayer. Boy, do I need the reminder. People have needs, and prayer is the conduit between us and our Faithful to Listen God. Answers are not necessarily readily available, but how many times have we heard someone say that prayer changed everything or they knew prayers were being sent up to God. Like a thousand times here! I am an obvious answer to prayer, and much of my life is as well. But, I would like to submit that some Christians would like to change their prayer life to be more meaningful. A prayer life that sees God and feels His presence. To develop this, we have to take time out of our lives and show God we mean business.

When the team and I went to the Philippines between my Junior and Senior year of college, we experienced many major life lessons. Of course, the lack of things that people have in other countries hits a person right in the face when that person was born in America. We see the videos and pictures on TV. They are portrayed to us pretty accurately from what I have seen even on a recent mission’s trip to Peru. But as a college student, it was the first time for me to see them in real life. I will never forget what I learned though. Even when the people of these countries seem to lack everything we take for granted, they are not lacking anything. Why? Because they do not know what they are missing. The way they live is all they know. They do not realize that their home could have an actual floor and not dirt, or their windows could have screens and panes and not just wood that swings out to let air and light in. They do not realize that sewage should not flow in the cut out ditches next to the road, or their clothes do not match because they were hand me downs from the local missionary who received them from Americans.

A small little, old Filipino lady beat me up with her words as we sat across from her in her one room shack with dirt floors. Through an interpreter she said that she was happy the way things were for her, and she would never change it. But the young people of her country see that Americans have so much and the only thing they want to do is go to America. They work hard in school trying to get good grades so they can get on a list to go to a college in America or try to get a job there. “Their only goal in life is to get to America.” That was crazy to me. These people had so little and never knew they had little until they saw that Americans had so much, and they wanted that life. They were the happiest, kindest people I had ever met, yet they wanted to be me?

Why did these people, whom we would consider poor and impoverished but who really were not, want to be me? It made me think what was my purpose in life? Who was I and where would I be going? I did not realize I had not answered those questions before. I did not know what I did not have was missing because I had never had it. The older people in this country were in the same boat with material things; the younger people had figured it out. They saw what was missing and knew they wanted something different. I needed to pray about this phenomenon in my life because cancer was instrumental in whom I had become.

I was not missing material things life food, clothes, family, friends. I had that covered. I had all of the things needed for a cozy dorm room, good grades, and a goal set to teach in the classroom. There was a fantastic job in college and a car to drive there. Plus, I would be graduating in a year. Absolutely nothing was missing from my life until the above questions came to light. The people from another country help me to get a hold of God in a new way and ask for the guidance that I did not know was missing. The direction in where I should be going, and who was I, really. So enlightening. I began to see answers to those questions as I searched. God gave me a peace about my career path, which would waver, unfortunately, but He would still be there to show me He was in control. God gave me a sense of purpose; looking at lost souls with a new set of eyes, and sharing the Gospel with them. He would answer for me who I was, and why He had chosen me to have cancer.

Cancer is followed by the word why. It really helps us see our prayer life in a real light. But if cancer is not near or has been placed in the far corners of our minds, what do we really pray about? Do we have a time and place for our prayers? Honestly, we NEED the time and place. God is felt and moves in our spirit and soul when we kneel before Him and fellowship in prayer. Most likely we will have a prayer list, but maybe the list should be shorter. Then we could intercede at a more intimate level when we concentrate on that name on the list and pray about their inner self, their well-being, and their needs. People all around us need us. Not only them, but we need us. We need to pray and really pray. I tend to be pretty faithful about lifting someone up in prayer when I am driving. It is a good time for me, but I would like to take more time in my “prayer closet” for me and my fellowship with a God who took my life a totally different direction than I had expected. He is pretty real to me, so I want to be the person He wants me to be.

Psalm 39:12, “Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear unto my cry; hold not thy peace at my tears: for I am a stranger with thee, and a sojourner, as all my fathers were.”

J – Others – Y

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9/29/19

Spring 1997

Reaching outside of our bubble, our life, who we are, is extremely important. I realized this with a recent family trial that has turned into a journey. It began when my husband’s mom had a major stroke, and I emphasize major. Here comes the medical-there are a few types of strokes ischemic, hemorrhagic, brain stem, and cryptogenic. Hers was a hemorrhagic which is not as common and often deadly. God spared her life. We have known stroke victims, but this was our first experience first hand. Medical terminology, recovery, statistics, blood pressure, etc… are a new road of travel for her family. Many stroke victims lose something from the stroke, and no two people are affected the same. Because of this loss, the family tries to fill in the gaps. It is a trial that has an end result of a new normal. My husband, his siblings, and dad have spent endless hours learning the ropes of a stroke. This education is exhausting and ever changing. The new normal is a full focus on helping their wife and mom regain strength, movement, and cognitive ability. They have taken their lives and reached past their giving threshold and then given more. It is what a person does when life changes in an instant. Life is about others, right?

My junior year of college brought to me my first lesson about others. I had become very much aware of others when I walked into my first dorm room. My friend and roommate my Freshmen year and I grew up with only brothers so we did not have to share with any other girl in our homes. We really got along great! But then there are others when a person lives in a dorm, and one realizes that quickly. I loved each of the dorms I lived in, and for the most part it really went well. But, again, life is not just about us.

My junior year brought an opportunity to see others and serve them. I was able to work in different ministries at the church and spent time telling others about Jesus and His love for them. Our college had been taking mission’s trips each summer, and I signed up to go to the Philippines. Growing up in a pastor’s home allowed the opportunity to meet many a missionary family as they circumnavigated the United States getting ready for the final destination of another country. They are dedicated families that have said “I will go,” taken up their roots in a place they call home, said goodbye to friends and family, and would say hello to a group of people that most likely will not even know the word. These families I met growing up were just like my family, called by God to tell others, serve others. As Christians, we all have that commission.

Missionaries were my heroes. I was more than excited about going to the Philippines. The group going consisted of a couple of close friends and other college students plus a Filipino man from our church at college. He had taken a few groups over in the past, and would set up for us to be there for five weeks with national pastors. These pastors were actually Filipino men who were pastoring churches that in the past might have been started by an American missionary. Pretty cool.

We began in January getting our funds together for the trip, passports sent in, and time off of work depending on where we would be going that summer. We would spend the last week of May and the whole month of June in the Philippines. All of us were excited and began to prepare for children’s programs, testimonies, and youth services. With the preparations, it is really easy to look past what would hit a person right in the face when they go to the mission field. The people are what we are there for, and the experience of going to a foreign field and serving in a ministry aspect is priceless. But the way of living is so different than America, or the America I had experienced growing up. My parents provided all of our needs, and when we moved to Wyoming they both worked full time jobs outside of the ministry to support the family. We were very much taken care of and would have never considered ourselves in need. There are people in this country who would have needs that I had never experienced.

Going to a foreign country opens up a whole new world. People are people no matter what country we live in, and they may have many needs, but the one common ground we have is just that: we are all people, created by God with a heart and soul and mind. We all have a soul that needs Jesus. Whether we live here or in another country, the act of serving others should be in the forefront of our minds.

When a person goes to the mission field for a trip or to minister full-time, they have one goal: to serve others. They have put Jesus first and themselves last to serve others. Across this world people need the Lord. But, what if we are not sent over to another country or never have that opportunity to go on a mission’s trip? Are not people there the same as people here? Yes, they are, so let us serve them here, too. Let us tell them of Jesus. Why in the world are we too busy to do that?! Many a person, myself included, are in too much of a hurry or to even take five minutes to lay out their long schedule for their day or week. Others are the last thing on our minds. Live our lives; that is what God wants us to do. Be diligent, be responsible, but be loving and considerate of lost souls right next door to us. That cashier has a soul and our busyness might skip over that. Our soccer mom friend needs a home church. We live in the “Bible Belt” of the United States. I have met people even here that do not know about Jesus, and many that want to hear of His love. Who are we living our life for?

J-O-Y. I think most of us have the “Jesus” down. I would not question that about the majority of Christians I know. The “You” is an obvious problem with myself included. The “Others” needs a little work. I submit that if we take the amount of “Jesus” on one end of the spectrum and the “You” on the other end and meet in the middle, our “Others” might be just right. Philippians 2:3-5 sums it all up. “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus…”

Life Is Good

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9/13/19

Fall 1996

Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I am very much aware of this because my dear friend lost her little girl this year, and she is sharing her story. I am also a Childhood Cancer Survivor so of course I think about it this month. But what does this really mean to me? I have basically sat back and been a statistic: at thirteen, I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, had eighteen months of chemotherapy and spinal taps, was told cancer free and cured at seventeen. Survivor. Made it! Done.

But cancer has never left my life; it just left my body. Sure, I have not walked around telling every person I meet, “I am a cancer survivor!” Why not? I am not quite sure how to answer that, but I do know that God has placed on my heart about a year ago to tell my story. Again, the audience is small, but someone I know, let us make that, many someones I know have been or are being affected by cancer. And if any one of the someones need another step forward, maybe hearing my story will help their brain tell the nervous system to move down to the muscles in the leg and make that foot take the next step to fight this horrendous disease. Because most days, it does not feel like it is worth the fight; cancer takes so much from a person.

Childhood Cancer Awareness Month is a great time to become aware of children with cancer, and the research to fight those cancers is critical. As with most cancer patients, the family will be involved with the fight, but with a child who has their whole life ahead of them, their family is their only way of making it through. How important is family? Very. In previous posts I have shared about my family and their fight along with me to conquer this disease, and then about two of my family member’s same fight in the years that followed my diagnosis. I pretty much hate cancer. And then on the other hand I am grateful for the story I get to tell. God has done some AMAZING things in my life through Childhood Cancer.

In my cancer story timeline, I have completed eight weeks at a summer camp listening to God and seeing Him work in my life. I met a super fantastic, over the top friend who was my roommate at camp, and we quickly decided to request to be roommates in college since she was headed there for her first year and me my junior year. We were granted that request and parted ways after camp excited about being roomies again in a few weeks. I spent a couple of weeks at home and my brother, who was also planning to join me at college, and I packed up our cars and parents and headed to So. Cal. I will mention here that So. Cal. is a great place to go to college! For one, the weather is wonderful! Living in Wyoming for nine years where they say we have nine months of winter and three months where the snow is not as bad, is a bit of an overstatement, but we have shot off many a firework with snowflakes falling. That means: it snowed on the Fourth of July at least twice! Back to So. Cal. There was Six Flags, Disneyland, Knotts Berry Farm all within 30 minutes to an hour and every beach about an hour. Anyway, I enjoyed living there.

My brother and I were very excited for the new school year, and we were ready for it to begin. I was assigned a new dorm as assistant RA and my new roommate and I settled in to the college schedule. We also had fun times with a group of friends that was quickly growing. She had come down with some from her church, and I had also reconnected with my friends from the previous year. Life Was Good! I remember being on a spiritual high from the summer and anxious for the chapel services and guest speakers visiting the campus.

I had an easy life, far from my four years of cancer life. Who needs cancer? It was extremely easy to leave that all behind and enjoy what I had to the nth degree. But why is it, we go through something, and because it does not have place in our lives at the time, we push it aside and focus on other things? For me, I was moving on; I did my time and wiped my hands clean of all the ugliness of cancer. Is that bad? No, probably not. But other people are going through trials, and I should care. When Life Is Good, it is someone else’s trial. True, but I would NEVER have been able to recover, first without the Lord, and second without family and friends. Sure, I was determined to beat it myself, which is crucial, but my family and friends were my ROCK, no doubt about it. Those that prayed for me, yes, God heard those prayers. He tells where two or three are gathered in His name, He is there Matthew 18:20. Prayer is essential, but so are actions.

Raising my hand, I would be the first to admit, my cancer advocacy is non-existent, but my husband and I have invested ourselves into where we feel most compelled and that is our church and the precious people that attend with us. I applaud those organizations and groups and research for what they are doing because those people helped me fight the fight. Thank you. But many times I get complacent and sit back and say, Life is Good. Those around me are doing well, too.

Let us make sure that those trials around us stay fresh in our minds. When the diagnosis is a few months removed, are we still praying for them? When that friend who was critically injured in a car wreck, they are home and their car is crushed at the salvage yard, are we still praying or calling them up and asking if they need anything today? When that special friend lost her little one, how is she doing? Pray today for them, and then act. Not sure what actions should be taken because I feel inferior in this area, but there has to be something out there we can do. Others are worth it, right? We have our own families to care for and those around us to invest in, I understand, but let us not forget about others where the Life is NOT so Good. They will remember us when it is our turn.

James 5:13-15, “Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms. Is any sick among you?…  ….And the prayer of the faith shall save the sick”… Galatians 5:13, “For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.”

The Cocoon

Nymphalidae - Danaus plexippus - Chrysalis

7/20/19

Just like that, all the words from my previous post have come to fruition. Our family has seen a new normal for now that was not planned less than a week ago. My s-u-m-m-e-r became very real to me and my family this week. Our Salvation was real close to us because we almost lost a significant part of our family who would have joined our Father in Heaven without His hand on the situation. We plan to stay Unmovable during this time of trial, because our God is who we serve and He is always there. We stay Mesmerized at the small steps that have been accomplished in our loved ones’ life every day. We cherish the pictures and the Moments we had and have with them at this time. We will Evaluate what God has placed before us and focus on the situation placed before us and the people sent our direction, because we need to be Ready to show them the love of our Almighty, All powerful, All Healing God!

Five seconds changed our families’ world. Now let us see what God will do with the rest of our seconds.

Fall 1995

Similar to this time in my families’ life, a very significant time in my life was my sophomore year of college. I had begun the year searching for something, anything that gave me a purpose and a reason for the crazy cancer fiasco that had come my way a few years before. God brought me a friend that was kind of in the same boat. We were able to fill a void of friendship for each other. God also spoke to me over and over in chapels and church services about my relationship with Him and that my life lived for Him should show others His love. Across my path, walked many people that had been affected by cancer. I grew closer to God than I had ever been. My testimony was shared in devotional time and given to teenagers at conferences. At the time, I was not aware of the significance of what God had done in the past, but saw small things here and there of how important it was to share my experience. I did not know what the future held for me, but knew I was doing what I was suppose to be doing at that time.

Recently, one of our children had to teach a lesson in their classroom about anything they were interested in. They chose the butterfly, and we ordered Painted Lady caterpillars online which were shipped to us through the mail. It was very exciting opening the box and seeing this small cup of insects inside. The caterpillars were shipped inside a cup that contained the food they would need to survive the process. The instructions were to leave them and watch them grow for a few days. It was amazing how in just a couple of days they doubled in size and continued to grow.

The next step was significant and all of sudden. We looked inside one day and four out of the six caterpillars were in a cocoon, and one of them was in the process, moving and wiggling around with the cocoon forming. In one day, they were finished and suspended in air from the lid of the cup. Instructions: wait a few more days and then we would see the butterflies emerge. Having caterpillars for pets was extremely easy; purchase them, get them in the mail, open them up, set them on the counter, and watch. Love pets, but most of the time it is a ton more work! We literally walked into the kitchen one day and the butterflies had emerged. They were so pretty, and it had been a fascinating process. Oh, and super easy! Next instructions: watch the butterflies for a few days, feed them with sugar water, and then release them to do their job in the flower world. I am sure that we could find many a caterpillar outside and see the magic happen over again. We, however, enjoyed the easy online order and process we took to see the cool metamorphosis.

As they studied the caterpillar and gathered information about the changing into a butterfly, I became very aware of the significance of the cocoon. Without the cocoon, the caterpillar stays just that; a caterpillar. The cocoon is where all the magic happens. This is very similar to the Christian life. During the time of life where I was going through cancer there was much wiggling and movement while the cocoon was forming. I feel like the time I spent in college figuring out my purpose in life was the same. Every step of the way to this point has most likely been the same, or the cocoon has formed and I am just being transformed. At whatever point in the process that I am in, heaven will be when I emerge and am made new. Thank goodness for the cocoon; it is such an important part of the caterpillar’s life, as it is in mine.

We could say that God is that part in our life that protects and changes us to be more like Him. God’s word tells us in Job 23:10 of Job speaking to those around him about the devastation that he had just endured. He lost his family, livelihood, and body and still he said these amazing words speaking of God: “But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.” We will come forth as gold. No matter the easy road, the hard road, the protection and comfort we have in our Heavenly Father will always be there. Nothing that we go through on this earth compares to the trial that Jesus Christ went through as He stood before men as a man in the same flesh we are in and was tried and sentenced to death. He was placed on the cross and in agony and pain took the sin of the whole world upon Him so that we may be saved. Even though we are tried and sometimes suffer, we get to come forth out of the cocoon to live eternally with Him. Hallelujah!

 

Do You Remember When…?

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5/21/19

Fall 1994

What about the time that we …? Do you remember when…? It feels like yesterday that I was riding a bike down our alley to go to the church where my dad was a pastor. We lived a street over, and between the row of houses there was an alley where we would ride to and from the church and our school which was across the street from the church. I remember the house and my room with a large picture window. The house was two bedrooms and two bathrooms with a dining room and eat in kitchen. My parents closed off the door from the kitchen to the dining room, and it became my bedroom. It had large windows on one side where I was certain to keep the bed as far away from them as possible. I loved that room. It was somewhat decorated girly, but most of my time was spent outside with my brother who was a year younger. Our other brother was born around this time.

We had the coolest trees in the front and back yards, and we did our dead level best to conquer them all, and they in return tried to do the same to us. The tree in the front was graciously used for sitting and talking and, one time, swinging with a sheet tied between two branches. It was not too fond of that because the swing lasted a few seconds and sent me crashing to the ground, breaking my collar bone. The five, large pecan trees in the back had an amazing crop of pecans that we turned in for money, which was well worth the time spent picking them up. The trees also had the best branches for climbing extremely high, but once sent my brother to the hospital with two broken arms. Although we had our share of mishaps, we have our share of fond memories that are cherished to this day.

In my cancer journey, a trip down memory lane brings me to the point where I had recently registered for college in Southern California and am fully engulfed in my freshman year. I had a quick turnaround from Ms. Independent to Ms. Homesick. I missed my family greatly, and it was not just the fact that I was not in the same house anymore. My brother was having a medical scare of his own. My parents had taken him to the doctor who had given him the news that he had cancer cells. He had surgery to remove a tumor and cells which were localized and not spread to any other locations. But the biopsy and a return trip showed the cancer could show up anywhere in his body. This sent my parents back into Cancer Parent mode, and they began the cancer journey again for the third time in five years. They chose along with my brother’s consent, who was almost 16 at the time, not to treat with chemotherapy and radiation. Just return trips for scans and monitoring. He never had another reoccurrence!

We were so grateful and took a sigh of relief that he would not have any treatment like I had to go through. I remember being in the dorm at college and asking roommates and housemates to pray for him, his surgery, and the diagnosis. I had so many people informed and praying, and I felt like if God could heal me, He would heal my brother as well. Really never doubted but was anxious all the same. I think my family kept me minimally informed about what he had to go through. Nonetheless, he is another sign of God’s healing hand for our family, because when cancer is diagnosed, the whole family is involved.

This memory of God’s intervention was impactful. I saw God in a whole new light because before, my cancer was my cancer, and He would be giving me my life back. My mom’s diagnosis the same time as mine, was not as impactful maybe because I was a little distracted. When my brother faced the same thing, it changed my perspective of the disease. I saw it as a threat, something that was going to take family from me. I was not ok with that at all. When everything turned out so well, I mean “so well?”, how can cancer have a “so well” result? Anyway, it was a good ending. God became real to me. I learned that freshman year that my daily walk with Him was an essential part of my Christian life. I also learned about making wise decisions when the decision making is in your court for the first time. Boy, I was shown time and again that my decisions were very important to my future and would need to be bathed in prayer. I learned that my study habits from high school were strong which helped me with the intense college grind. College can pound you with the schedule, papers, tests; the work load can at times be relentless. But pushing ahead and working hard will pay off. My freshman year was no exception, and it started off with a cancer diagnosis?!?!

Three people diagnosed with cancer within a few years of each other. How does that happen? Medically, my parents have spoken to specialists. But we understand that God did it this way for a reason. We have individually seen time and again why He brought cancer into our bodies. For me, my brother’s journey really helps solidify God in my life. Stories like this, or memories, are endless for us and would take volumes upon volumes of books to catalogue each instance how God revealed why the diagnosis of cancer was made in our three lives. Our memories are used to make new memories for us and then for someone else who might be experiencing cancer, and the cycle repeats.

Memories of our past can cause pain and can cause happiness. They can cause frustration and can cause joy. A memory may have been a learning experience or a turning point in our lives that made us a better person. Many of us have old memories of a life lived without God and new memories with Him as our Savior. We can rejoice in our salvation when the “old things are passed away” and “all things are become new” II Corinthians 5:17. I am truly thankful for memories, and ask the Lord when the memory is not so pleasant to help me not be bitter or learn from what transpired. It does not always happen that way, but I want to be aware. As I write each article, memories of how the events transpired come back and reveal to me how blessed I am; how amazing God has been to me.

Endings and Beginnings

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Before I begin I want to share a link to our family story that has just come out in book form. My mom has recently published the book on Amazon Kindle and in hard copy. Her many years of labor have come to fruition.

5/8/19

May 1994

Is it a coincidence that this written journey here has taken us to an amazing day in my life when an amazing day in millions of graduating seniors’ lives is happening this month? No, not a coincidence, but pretty cool all the same. Each year in May millions of graduating seniors and their families come together to celebrate many years of schooling and for most, countless days and nights of hard work. It is a pretty special month and worth celebrating with those around us that are having that special day. A chapter in their life is ending and a new one beginning. There are other ends and beginnings. Recently, in our family’s life, we have had neighbors and family members move away, so a chapter in our life has ended and a new one, especially for them, has begun. Makes us sad, but thankful for the memories.

Do you remember your graduation? I do, and to be honest, I miss high school just a bit. Maybe it is because I feel like there were not as many worries or stresses before graduation that a person seems to encounter in adult life. Maybe it is because I would like to go back with what I have learned about people and develop relationships with others that I did not pursue for one reason or another. I had a few close friends and then many others that I had a nice conversation with at my 20th reunion. The reunion made me miss the friendships, teachers, football nights, my first job at Burger King, and my beloved Chrysler. After cancer, I enjoyed being a teenager, which is what I always strived for during cancer.

Graduation was not only the end of 13 years of schooling, but for me it was the end of a few years of rough patches mixed in with plenty of high patches. It was the end of a disease that changed my life from a healthy, sporty junior higher with her future ahead of her to a broken, bedridden junior higher with blurred vision. I approached graduation, back to health, and ecstatic about what was going to play out in the next few months and years, not wanting to turn back for any reason to what I had just experienced.

In March of my senior year, I made the decision to pursue my dream of teaching and go to a Bible college in California where they offered a teaching degree for Christian school teachers. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher. I have vivid memories of sitting in my third and fourth grade classes with one of the most wonderful teachers in the world. His name was Mr. Hendon, and he made the process of learning in a classroom setting the ultimate experience. He brought math facts to life with games. He took us outside during reading group to get fresh air and discuss the characters like they were sitting beside us. He had a smile and encouraging word that made the struggle with history dates and science terms bearable. I was going to be like him. I remember where I was sitting and where he was standing by his desk in this large classroom in an old day care turned Christian school on 14th Street in Abilene, Texas, when I said to myself, “I am going to be just like Mr. Hendon.” That was the beginning of my pursuit of being in a classroom when I grew up. And then, I had so many other wonderful teachers that solidified that decision along the way.

When May and graduation rolled around, I was ready to hit the road. Graduation was the beginning of a new road stretched out before me that was leading to my ultimate dream. The summer months were spending time with friends who would not be going with me, camping in the mountains with the family, and working many hours at the downtown jeweler. I was basically the only employee so I had long days of cleaning shelves, windows, and jewelry cases and putting items out in the morning and in the safes at night. It was a pretty boring job, because how many small mountain town  patrons does a jewelry store have in the summer months besides those needing watch batteries? Not many; when the snow melts in April and school gets out in May everyone leaves town. I enjoyed it to an extent, and that extent was that it would be paying for my first semester of school.

A new beginning was a new car my parents bought for me that I would end up driving for the next five years. It was a perfect car for me, two door Ford Festiva with moving seat belts. Boy, did you have to be careful with those. It is not a wonder why cars do not have those anymore because it about took off my head on many an occasion and drove my passengers crazy. I actually saw one the other day and can not believe I carpooled in college with four others in there. How in the world did we fit?! Let me just say Ford was the creator of the first SMART Car, and they did not even know it.

And before I knew it the next chapter in my life began, and I was beginning my college experience. I walked on campus blessed beyond all measure with a new car, a friend of mine as my roommate, and money to put on my school bill. I was going to start on my teaching dream, and I was super excited. Plus, I was going to school in Southern California which has so much to enjoy like Disneyland, shopping, the beach and trips to visit friends’ homes who grew up living there. The weather is great and the thrift stores are amazing, oh, and they have IN-N-OUT burgers! Yep, the freshman 15 was inevitable! Unfortunately, I am pretty sure I pushed my family out the door sooner than they wanted to go, but it did not take long before homesickness crept in, and calling cards and scheduled pay phone calls were a must. (Yes, you are right, no cell phones in the early 90’s for us.) I was having a great time, but I missed my family.

My beginning was shortly set aside for a new beginning that showed up back at the homestead, and it was not because I had left…

Ends and beginnings are healthy cycles in life; an end of something and the start of something else. Can I submit that in life an ending does not necessarily mean completion, but that we have to shift focus. Until we see our Father’s face we might see this happen many times whether it is the end and then a beginning or a shift in focus. Beginnings, exciting? Yes. Endings, exciting? Sure. Sometimes not so much in both scenarios. But I am grateful for one thing; God is there for either one of them, and that is so comforting. He IS the Beginning and the End. Revelation 1:8, “I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.”

Time To Clean Things Up A Bit

CleaningServices

3/25/19

Summer 1993

On my cancer journey, we had many ups and downs; one being a heart problem I began having when I was small. I remember playing one day when I was super little, and all of a sudden my chest hurt. I went to my mom and told her, and she felt my chest and said my heart was beating really fast. We rushed to the doctor.

I have always been on the lower end of the growth chart, and I was pretty small when I was little. Back in the day when I started walking, my mom bought a baby doll that had hard soled shoes so I would have shoes to wear. When my heart started racing like that, my chest moved with the beats. At three, it was very unnerving, and when we arrived at the doctor’s office, they moved very quickly to get me stabilized.

My rapid heartbeat was called SVT or Supraventricular Tachycardia. In my terminology, the heart would get triggered and beat right around 300 times a minute. The doctors and nurses had me do many different things. We began with coughing, and then pretend like I was having a bowel movement, because the “bearing down” maneuver stops or slows the rapid heartbeat. When that did not work, they had an ice bucket, and they told me to put my face in it because the heart will slow down when someone is submerged in cold water. The last thing, if the previous actions do not slow the heart down, is a fast-acting medication that blocks the electrical impulses causing the heart to race. All of these treatments are done very quickly, because a body cannot sustain a rapid heartbeat for very long before there are major problems, like cardiac arrest. We were told we had a fifteen-minute window to get it under control.

For some reason, I remember having the medicine that first time we went in because the other treatments were not working. My memory may be wrong, because this was the beginning of dozens of episodes that I dealt with in my childhood and teen years. I would say 95% of them were treated by me. The first few we went into the doctor, and then I got to the point where as soon as it occurred I would cough, bare down, jump up and down, and then my personal go-to treatment was a cartwheel. Yep, that is right! All of those actions were done fairly quickly, but if I was playing with my brother, and the SVT set in, I did those actions in that order. I would mention to him that my heart was racing, and then off to the races-cough, bare down a few times, jump up and down, cartwheel. It worked almost every time, and then a few breaths and back to climbing trees.

Almost forty years have passed since my first episode, so these were the only treatments. As we entered the cancer world, I had just turned 13 and was still working through my same SVT treatments, with no new medical treatments out there. I would be hanging out with friends, playing volleyball, or even jumping on a trampoline, and there goes Rachelle doing a cartwheel. Absolutely random! But it had become my life, and that is just what I did. Cancer changed this self-treatment and “turned it upside down on its head.” Once I began chemotherapy, I had absolutely no control over stopping the rapid beats. We rushed to the hospital multiple times to receive the last resort treatment; the medicine that stopped the heart and then the heart would go back to a normal rhythm. The cancer surgery was severe, with an incision all the way down my stomach, and the chemotherapy blocked a healthy healing process. The final treatment for my irregular heartbeat was open heart surgery to repair that defected electric pathway that causes the signal to go in a circle instead of straight. Open heart surgery was absolutely not an option for me on chemotherapy, but it was the only option right then. At one of the heart episodes, my mom had begged the doctors not to do surgery; there was no way I would survive it.

I mentioned in a previous post, that we were at a chemotherapy treatment, when I lost it. I was done with the heart problem, I was done with the chemotherapy, and I was done with all of it. After my blood work that day, the doctors said counts were good, and we were going ahead with the chemo. I said I did not care if I died, tried to leave, and my mom stopped me. After we calmed down, we headed to the cardiologist appointment that was scheduled for that day. He came in, and we talked about the next step. What would we do now? He said there had been new medical treatments for SVT. One was a catheter ablation that goes into the groin and neck and burns the defected electrical pathway. The other treatment was a pill that was proven to lessen the amount of episodes of rapid heartbeats. We were very much ready to try the medicine, and if that did not work, the doctor would do the ablation. The medicine proved to be a life-saver, for real.

The medicine did its job and lasted through chemotherapy treatments and for the next couple of years. I stayed fairly healthy through the summer and 11th grade and kept up with my schoolwork and softball. It was determined at an appointment in my junior year, we would do the catheter ablation to correct the defect. This was in the early 90’s, and when you read about SVT treatments these were the medical advancements in this disease that were being introduced. I just happen to be going through what I was going through at the same time. The ablation was extremely new, so there were no long-term results to go off of, but we had been through so many years of this disease that we felt positive this was the direction to go.

Right after my seventeenth birthday, we went into the hospital again to have the ablation. I would be admitted for a week so they could monitor the heart and its response to the minute change in structure. I was pretty apprehensive because the last time I went into surgery, wow, did I wake up different. This time I actually was not put under but sedated. Now, that was crazy, because they “burned” the irregular pathway, and I remember clearly the sensation; I woke up slightly at that moment. A week later, I was good as new and 25 years later, my heart is still strong. Now, I have a normal heart with a skipped beat now and then, which sometimes makes me anxious because that was usually the same sensation that sent me into SVT.

I am so grateful for the Lord’s timing, direction, and leading my parents to make the decisions they felt were right for me and the problems that came my way. My parents asked for the doctors to wait on the open-heart surgery because there was no real deadly threat, and I would struggle with survival from another surgery. The Lord brought medicines in our world when I was at the bottom. And He gave us a non-invasive ablation that has proven to work for quite a few years now. What an awesome God! At this point in my cancer journey, decisions were still being made to further a healthy life. We were “cleaning up” some of the things that were put on hold for so many years.

God asks us to do the same in our spiritual lives. He directs us and leads us in the paths we should go, but we need to stay close to Him to see those paths. As Christians, each and every day we must confess our sins, the bad things that we do. We are human, we are sinners saved by grace, but our sin keeps us from God’s leading. I John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” This is so important, so needed, and so much required to see our path clearly.

Hope and the Dream Fulfilled

flower bloom spring

2/27/19

For those who are keeping up with the blog timeline, this week I was able to write up a second post which is a memory from the first summer after diagnosis. I inserted it into the timeline so it should appear on November 16, 2018. It is called, “The Last Time We…”

Spring 1992

I hit the two-year mark since my diagnosis on March 15, 1992, and cancer was a thing of the past. We had gone back to the hospital in January, and they had removed the IV tube from my chest. Now that was a really interesting feeling, but we won’t go into any more details! I was now living the teenager life. I enjoyed my favorite past times even more: shopping, talking on the phone, and hanging out with friends. At forty-seven, my past times have not really changed much, but I have added hanging out with my husband and children to the top of the list! I enjoyed monthly youth rallies with our youth group at regional churches in the Salt Lake area and school choir concerts and performances.

I was in tenth grade in our local high school. Call me crazy, but I recently found report cards and testing scores from high school. Why mention them here? I was amazed at what I found, because I had just spent months on chemotherapy and fighting cancer. I refused to stay at home or wear a mask to school. I was determined to not change my life for this even though it was changing my life. In April of my 10th grade, we were given state testing, and I scored above grade level in most everything. I was taking Spanish II, Pre-Calc, English, Science, Art and Choir along with being an aide; and I had about a 3.5/3.6. How does that happen?! I spent most of my afternoons after school doing schoolwork, and I had great teachers that would allow students to pop in before or after school for a little extra instruction. Plus, we kept them posted about my absences, and they would send home my homework when I left for treatments. I worked really hard; my GPA never really improved, but at least I stayed consistent.

Life was even more exciting for me, because I had been watching my brothers play sports for the last two years, and now it was time to join them. I had missed the opportunity to play at the high school because most of the time a person really has to make it freshmen year. They try to make the team then and see playing time, improve skills, and learn to play with each other; then the next year is a bit easier. I decided not to jump in, knowing I was behind on the ability chart. Being the spring, track was about all that I was interested in, and hurdles ate my lunch when I tried them in 8th grade. They went up to about my chest anyway. Everyone else that ran in track had these amazing long legs that could cover 8 to 10 feet with each stride. My two to three-foot span was not idle for running track, although I was fast as a kid, in my mind. Ha! So high school sports aside, I joined the local city girls fast pitch softball league. Some of the same girls that I went to school with and who played volleyball and basketball at school played for the league, too, so that made me feel better.

My brothers started the spring season in their perspective leagues. The oldest played Babe Ruth and the youngest played T-ball. Back then our little town had one four-plex that had all three size fields, and I remember on more than one occasion dad walking around from field to field watching all three of us play at the same time but at different fields. On my team, I quickly became the right fielder, then third base, and did quite well, but I am pretty sure I had the most strikeouts and walks. Either I would swing and strikeout, or I would crouch down really low where the pitcher had a minuscule strike zone and would walk me. By the next season, I figured out the batting part, because our coach told us to let the first pitch go and then on the strikes start your swing sooner than you expect to make contact. I had such a great time!

The next two years would be follow-up oncology doctor’s visits to do blood work and keep an eye on the remission I was in. In addition, we had cardiology visits to determine the next step with the heart problem that we just kept at bay during the treatments. It had not gone away so we needed to make some decisions. But, I really enjoyed the new life of activity and school all the more. Along with my past papers I mentioned above, I found other things like a huge stack of my medical reports and then a couple of school papers I wrote in English in the early fall. My English teacher kept us going with writing papers and poems. I remember she wanted us to tell about a dream we had for our life. One poem sums up my cancer experience in only a way I could tell it, and at the time we had just had the reoccurrence scare. I want to share it. (I typed it up exactly how I had typed it back then.)

Dream Fulfilled

Did I fulfill my dream, or did I waste my time?

No, this dream is accomplished, I know, in my mind

I will have gone through and finish my treatments.

Will I be ready if I have to start again?

This time will I be cured, or have to go back in?

Can I handle the pain, and keep back the tears?

The first time was hard, in the hospital on the bed

Catching up on schoolwork after I miss 2 days, I dread.

Will it all be worth it, in the end?

I think it will be

I am alive, and well, you see

With the help and support from my friends.

Most people send mail

My dream is fulfilled, and I am alive and well.

I like reading over this, because it opens up many thoughts that people go through when going through a trial. The uncertainty is definitely the underlying tone, not just because the poem is about a dream. The hope of life and health is a close second underlying tone. Lastly, the support shown did not get lost in the hard façade that I kept up for others to see. Those people made a huge impact in my ability to fight this disease. A trial takes on a whole new meaning when others are by our side. And a dream of health, full head of hair, good grades, sports, and a new life was at the forefront of my mind.

Dreams and hope. My life verse came to me after my husband and I were married, and trying to have children. It really sums up everything I have faced. Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick; but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” Hope is very real is our lives. We hope we see family again, we hope we get a raise this year, we hope for children, for health, for safety… There are times when God says wait; let Me show you later. It makes our heart hurt when we cannot see the big picture; it gives us a heavy heart which I spoke about in the last blog post. But then after the hope is deferred for a certain amount of time, the desire comes and it is even more special because of the waiting period. Maybe it is because we know our dream will be fulfilled.

Our God Is An Awesome God…

1461841954-broken-heart.jpg

2/12/19

October 1991

I walked out of my last chemotherapy with a boat load of drugs in my system, nausea setting in, and a spring in my step. I felt like doing a cartwheel all the way to the car, but that would get me puking on the sidewalk and who wants to see that happen. Besides I did not need to start the drive-home-nausea-inducing curves sooner than experiencing it in person. But we were so excited to be at this point in our cancer journey. We had experienced it all: surgery, near death, life, hair loss, hospital stays, life, thought of reoccurrence, life, end of treatment, life… And now I could be a normal teenager, so I thought. Since this was October, we were finishing off the holidays in high spirits. By the time Christmas break rolled around, my hair was just about long enough to feel comfortable going without a wig. That first time I took it off, we had someone cut it and style it for me. It was baby fine hair and extremely soft, just like an infants hair. Well, it was brand new so what did we expect. This was the early 90’s so Aqua Net became my best friend; wait, this was the early 90’s – Aqua Net was everyone’s best friend! I cannot explain how absolutely excited I was to be able to style my own hair again, what little I had.

So Christmas break was the ultimate turning point for me as a teenager in the world of high school. I would be returning to school in January with my new hairdo. Well, I was super nervous, and I had my biggest fears come true. My wig was a long, large curly blob; remember this was the 90’s. It looked like I had a ton of hair, and some people did not know I wore a wig. Those very few people let me know how weird my new hair cut was. It was tough, but I was so very happy, I just did not care as much as I could have at the time. I recall one time at the local Rec Center where we spent a ton of time as teens playing wallyball, volleyball, basketball, and running on the track. I turned in my student ID so I could get a locker. The girl behind the counter handed me a key and was about to turn around but stopped. She grabbed the key and said she made a mistake because she had handed me a guy’s locker room key. Great, I look like a guy when I have short hair! What a blow to the gut. Makes me chuckle today, but that is probably why I have never done a shorter haircut.

Why did I live through this when others do not? Today I ask myself this question because those around me have lost their battle, and their families are left to live their lives without their wonderful loved ones. I do not understand or comprehend the reason God takes a life and let others live, but it happens every day with people losing their lives in other ways besides cancer. God has a purpose for each and every minute of the day and each and every thing we are faced with during those minutes. Because we know life and death happens, we then try to prepare for those times.

A heavy heart can be hard to explain when the events of life appear before us as something other than easy or what we may classify as “day to day life.” But I believe most people have experienced this reaction to hard times. When the term “heavy heart” is used I have a sense of slowed breathing, a pressure in my chest, a punch in the gut, a feeling of sadness that comes over my spirit. Everyone would have a different reaction, but I think we could all conclude we know the feeling of a heavy heart. When I was a teenager, we had a dog that was killed by a car, and I remember so clearly the feeling that I had of death. Yes, I realize we are talking about lives of human beings, but the feelings are the same. There was a void. I recalled that same feeling when I was at my great grandfather’s funeral, but I was so much younger, I did not remember the sense of loss as much as when we lost our dog. In my adult life, three of my grandparents passed away within a few years of each other, and I still get that feeling of emptiness, especially when I think of my precious grandmothers. I feel like something is missing and there is a heaviness. I think this is where we get the above term.

“It’s life,” someone says, “Death is a part of life.” Yes, but there is still a sense of loss that we feel and have to live with until it gets easier. I do not like that phrase either, but it does get easier. How is that possible when we have had a loss? Our God who made us, loves us, and takes care of us shows us every day that He made us, loves us, and will take care of us. We have to embrace that. During those heavy heart moments, He is there. During those hole in the heart, punch in the gut, feelings of void and emptiness, He is still there. A song immediately comes to mind:

“Our God, is an Awesome God, He reigns from Heaven above, With wisdom, power, and love, Our God is an Awesome God.” Written By, Nathan Myrick

As a Christian, we must embrace this truth, and God reminds us of this hundreds of times in His Word. These verses can be just words to those that are hurting, but I want to encourage those that are hurting, do not stop at the words. In time, make the words a type of salve that fills in the void of the loved one we are missing or make it the counterbalance to the heaviness of the heart that will out weigh and lift the weight. Or put all the words together to make a strong surface that blocks the constant punch in the gut. Maybe the words of a song are the uplifting we need to put one foot in front of the other during the few hours after a loss. Whatever our comfort, we should still take the time to grieve; that is important and part of the process of loss.

Psalm 46:1, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Proverbs 8:10, “The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it and is safe.”

Isaiah 41:10, “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

The Roller Coaster

ride 2

1/14/19

Summer 1991

How could the adventures within the last few months have been so amazing and actually occurred while I was on treatments for a disease that takes lives every day? It was a pretty wonderful experience. And, yet we had to return to reality that I was on treatments for a… Yes, reality hit me right in the face, right back to Salt Lake City and chemotherapy. It was the summer months again, so we were able to head down early to treatments and enjoy fun times at large area parks, shopping, and there was even a small amusement park in a nearby suburb with roller coasters.

We had to go early in the morning, because there was absolutely no chance we could enjoy anything afterwards. Chemotherapy hit me pretty hard, and if it was the one with a spinal tap, I was in worse shape. Salt Lake was eighty miles away from home, so we would prepare for a rough ride home, because when you leave the city, you climb up through a canyon. It is a major interstate, but it winds back and forth up the mountain and then straightens out after twenty miles or so. There was also another back and forth halfway between there and home. Car sickness is no comparison to chemo, but when you combine the two, not the best situation. Sorry Utah, I really did try to make it without stopping! Even though the trip was hard, we were so grateful to be as close as we were to an amazing hospital.

This was our second summer traveling back and forth for chemo. My prognosis was fantastic, no signs of any cancer since the doctors closed up my stomach, gave me a 30% chance to leave the hospital, and started me on chemotherapy the next day. We had another set of scans right between the two big trips, and they came back clear again. The last treatment would be sometime in October if my blood counts stayed good, and the doctors did not have to bump me back a week. My heart was staying under control with the medicine, and there would be an evaluation after chemo was over on the next step to get me off the medicine. I was healthy, happy, and enjoying my teen life. I just got my permit on my birthday, and school was about to start. I would be going into my third year of school on these treatments: spring of eighth to, Lord willing, fall of tenth grade. The end could not get here fast enough. I wanted to be a normal high school student. One brother was entering high school with me, and the other was going into first grade. Our church was doing really well. My parents had reached out to co-workers who had joined the church body, and the youth group was growing. I had some very special friends during this time at school and church that made my world go round. We had some amazing fun times together!

Yet, I started to struggle with some unusual symptoms that needed immediate attention. We headed down to the hospital to do a series of scans. Concerns about a recurrence were prominent. The scans were a disaster to get completed. I kept throwing up the barium, and they would have to start over. My mom finally told them to shove a tube down my nose and then we could pour straight into the stomach. It worked, and we were able to finish, and head back to the treatment room. For three hours, no one told us anything. It was very unusual to wait and not be given any information. We were certain the cancer was back, and mom and I were physically sick. Mom had made arrangements for being out of the office for an uncertain amount of time and made phone calls to the insurance company. After an excruciating amount of time, the doctor came in to tell us we would need to come back in the morning for more scans. We desperately needed him to tell us what the scans said, and he informed us they were clear, but they needed further tests to figure out why I was sick. The emotional down that we had experienced for the last few hours was almost unbearable. My life was hanging on by a rope, and no one informed us it really was not. Situations like this are a par for the course in the medical world. They did not do anything wrong; they have hundreds of patients and dozens in a given day that need attention, cry for attention, need a hand to get through some of the most difficult times in their lives. Hats off to the medical profession. Emotional roller coasters are in everyone’s handbook. Theirs just has to be under control and then make life changing decisions for other people.

But, boy, do I love the real deal roller coasters. I am on the petite side, and I did not get to enjoy coasters when I was younger until later than most because I could never reach that silly mark on the sign. Pretty sure my brother beat me to it. We were fourteen months apart, and because I was smaller, we were very similar in height. When I was three, the scissors and hair became one, and my mom and I did not. She had to take me to a barber to get it fixed, and I walked out looking like my brother. She had questions about her twin boys for a few months, so she made sure she put me in dresses as often as possible. Anyway, after much begging, pleading, and tiptoeing, I was able to get on that first roller coaster at Six Flags Over Texas. On the way up, I knew this was the wrong idea, and my aunt had to keep me from jumping out. I swore off coasters until I was in junior high and fell in love with them. They do not scare me at all; granted I am nervous on the big ones. Back and neck problems have changed my ability to ride them in this stage of life, but I miss the fun.

Life, emotions, etc… are roller coasters and winding roads through mountains, no doubt. Things are great, things are not so great, things are good, things are horrible, things are fantastic. When asked how things are going, I catch myself saying great.. wonderful… fantastic… no matter what is actually going on most of the time because I have been through some really, really bad times in my life. In comparison, things are really great. There may be times that are crazy, there may be times that are not so wonderful, I wear those on my face and people can tell. That is o.k.; it is life. God’s Word in Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 says it this way: “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted.” Verse 4 says, “A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and time to dance.” Winding through life has its times, and we know that our God will take those times and show us His love and strength and power. Hallelujah for the times we have!