Getting Off The Hamster Wheel

November 2023

Our lives are so fragile, yet when we live them on what some people call the hamster wheel, that fragility is not even noticed. The wheel turns. Since my last post, Christmas, trips, moves, more trips, fireworks, and school ending and beginning. How can that much time go by so quickly? When I first got married, an older lady in our church said that once you have children the time seems to speed up. I guess the developmental stages that children go through make time move forward more quickly than when we are just living a life for ourselves or newly married? I can see how that might be. But I wonder if time really is just moving forward differently because the hamster wheel has added responsibilities and added activities, and it is hard to stop time or slow down when that happens. Along with the added children are everything as parents we add to the wheel, as well.

Then…

Have we ever been driving, and up ahead we see a sequence of traffic lights, like maybe the ones that are getting us ready to meet up with an interstate or highway? There always seems to be at least one on our side of the interstate to help those turning left onto the on ramp and coming off the interstate, and then one after we pass under the overpass for us to turn left onto the on ramp going the opposite direction and help those coming off. These lights are much needed with a busy traffic interchange. As we approach, many times the lights tend to blend together. We see the one right in front of us, and also, we see the one ahead. Maybe it is just me, but a couple of times I have looked too far ahead and miss the one right in front of me change to red, and hitting those brakes comes out of nowhere; a sudden stop that throws everyone in the vehicle in a “woah” moment. Like coming off the hamster wheel. Moving forward looking ahead, maybe far ahead, then stopped.

A sudden stop; each are different. Yours is, or will be, different than mine. Listen, I am not a doomsday person, and I do not want to say that we should live our lives under the fact that we had that stop or will have that stop. But, a hamster wheel stop can be life changing and life altering, yet has the potential for us to live life afterward. I am a pure example of this. One day I was a go-get them, bossy, active thirteen-year-old and the next day, I was a cancer patient. And not just a cancer patient. I was physically sick, hurting, and dying; mentally, I was angry, unnerved, and discouraged. Plus, add any and all other physical and mental attributes of this situation. Life as we all knew it suddenly stopped, and a new life suddenly started.

Although most of us do not see day in and day out as fragile; they really are. They are the most important gifts we are given. I do not care that the hamster wheel is turning, we must be able to slow that down. Once we hit the sudden stop, like when the light turns red, then nothing is in our control. So, what next.

Let us put into place the hamster wheel slow down plan.

Realization: We may say that has already been done, but the next step is insurmountable. You know, like when you are hiking that trail that takes you up the switchbacks. There are always those steps that are like two-in-one and to us short-legged people, those type of step ups, puts me in a place of unbelief that anyone would actually make steps so tall. I have done my fair share of stopping and looking up to see the steps and switchbacks as overwhelming. So, we go to the next step.
Evaluation: Getting past the realization step is the one step that many times never is seen in the rear-view mirror. Many times, we won’t go past it. Hamster wheel stays turning. But if we can slow it down slightly and start on evaluating, the situation comes into focus. The giant two-steppers show up as doable, maybe at least until the next switchback. Each person and their evaluation looks different. A few years ago, mine looked like anxiety, crazy wife and mom, and I saw myself in total disarray. I was living in constant back pain, constant stress which in turn I put on myself severe anxiety. Yes, I put it on myself. We have a choice here on how the stress and anxiety affects us. My evaluation was that I could not change the circumstances.
Slow down: I needed to slow the hamster wheel ever so slightly. I found ways to self-care and combat the bodily aches and pains, then remove a couple of things off the wheel, and then in turn a happier wife, mother, daughter, and friend.
Move forward: a tad slower and the steps may still be just as tall but the next switchback is closer to the top, the goal. Within the evaluation, move forward with the changes. We cannot stop with evaluation; take a step. I saw changes in my health that were desperately needed; physically and mentally.
Evaluate: Is this working? Are there a couple more tweaks needed? We must not think that our life has to stay where we find ourselves. God’s Word gives us insight.

Colossians 1:9-10 ” For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and understanding; That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God.”

How many “change” verbs do we see? Filled, Walk, Being fruitful, Increasing. All moving forward ideas.

Matthew 5:6 “Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.”

II Peter 1:5-8 “And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

The last verse is fantastic about not staying in one spot, but it is also so overwhelming because the list is so long. Well, start with ONE of these things. Evaluate where we are and implement a change in kindness or patience. We cannot expect anything in our lives to be different if we don’t do something about it, and God tells us to change the things that are not in line with His word. It is a doable task, or He would not be saying it. Time to slow the hamster wheel before it hits a complete stop.

Sow, Then Reap

12/17/22

I visited a verse this week that I saw in a different light. II Corinthians 9:6 tells us, “He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully.” What are the immediate thoughts when this verse is used, which many of us have heard hundreds of times in our lives?

There may be many applications, but my immediate thought has taken me to gardening. I have proven this verse to be wrong. I plant an over-abundant amounts of seeds and plants in our small garden out back, and then I proceed to over-fertilize, under water, leave the weeds and then cross the tomatoes with the corn. I am the worse gardener ever, but I am a pro at growing the weeds! Actually, the plants and seeds I put in the ground typically come up and they are perfect, but I hardly reap anything. Except one year I planted jalapenos; it was amazing! There were so many, I did it the next year because, hey, why not, I can grow something. The problem is we do not eat jalapenos. Seriously, our taste buds do not do super spicey, but I made some salsa. Then after a couple of weeks and more growth, I passed the jalapenos on to friends who use them often. I was super proud. I have to say my succulent journey has been pretty much the same. I have some growth, then barely alive for months, then death, then trash; many times over.

II Corinthians is definitely not proven wrong by my lack of green thumb, of course, but the amount of sowing and the correct sowing and the amount of reaping are in direct correlation with each other. Now, what else comes to mind and what does this verse really mean to us? Sow sparingly, reap sparingly; sow bountifully, comes back to us sometimes ten-fold, even the sparingly part. What areas can we apply this to in our lives today? Absolutely everything! Our pastor spoke to our teens on Sunday about decisions they make today are crucial to their future. I have told teen girls that multiple times. Their whole future is ahead of them and what will they choose today to make a Godly go at it? If we as adults apply this verse today, let us wake up and throw out the seed of quiet time with God. How much we sow gives to us encouragement, joy, strength; anything that we are as Christians to move forward in our day. Makes us think about having sown quiet time. Then our harvest will be an amazing day. Well, if it turns out not to be so amazing, at least we sowed Christ into our soul and spirit to draw peace and strength to face what might be the hardest day/days of our life.

Been there, people, and I wish my thirteen-year-old self had Jesus, because the discouragement that came with my cancer diagnosis was other-worldly. Thoughts of taking my life were never a part of my brain activity; I have to say I cared about me more than to take my life, but dying in my sleep? That would have been a peaceful way to go, was my thinking. I knew of God and how He could have made that happen. I just did not know God like I do today. I have learned to say, God is sovereign and has each and every step orchestrated for me. At thirteen, I wanted those steps to be my steps and the orchestration written out my way, so I did the only thing I knew to do and that was survive. God may have been in control, but that hair loss was not going to keep me depressed. I wore a wig. That chemo treatment was not going to keep me out of school, I went every day except the day after chemo. I was not sick, and no one could convince me otherwise. This was just an inconvenience. Sowing Jesus in my life was just what I heard in Sunday school, so I realized I needed Him almost a year after my diagnosis, and I saw Him as my Savior. Then in college, He got a hold of my heart and made me realize I had nothing to do with being alive, healthy, and with the ability to serve Him. He challenged me to start sowing my quiet time, then He started reaping in me a soul and spirit that truly depended on Him for every single day. One that looks to Him for joy, strength, health! My mantra: everything, everyday has God’s hand on it.

God asks us to sow. He asks us to throw out the seed of giving; of our finances, of our time, our lives to service. We could give lunch with a friend, gifts to others, or maybe coffee to a coworker just because. We should know if we sow, we are going to reap benefits. God sees and He may not bless financially now when we give financially, but who has ever given a gift just because and did not feel a ping of joy? There is the reap. We reap what we sow in our time. I have been hustling on to get something done and been stopped numerous times because that person needed time. I came away with a happy heart, a blessed moment in that relationship. Granted, I blew past a majority of people, but that is where I need to work on my sowing. People need us, people need time, people need love. Why are we too busy to give to people, or should we say, why do we not give to people and make the “busy” excuse. The verse, “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly,…” Proverbs 18:24, then show friendly and reap. We have had conversations with our boys multiple times about this very same thing. Need encouragement, show encouragement. Reach outside of our self and be nice, be helpful, and be someone to someone else when they may not have someone, because THE SOMEONE asks us too. The amounts of sowing opportunities in our lifetime are abundant, whether right or wrong, we really should be aware and calculated with our lives, determining our steps ordered by God. “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.” He is for us.

Throw out the seed of kindness. Our families deserve our kindness, and we reap abundantly what we sow in this area. It actually is an immediate reaping, right? Throw out the seed of love. Love is a choice, it is a feeling, too, but if we do not feel loved or want to give love, that really does not determine our love for someone. But we choose to love, and our God has shown us the ultimate love, so who are we not give back to Him and others? Throw out the seed of joy. “How are you?” I submit to you, let us start saying what an old friend used to say every time, “Super Fantastic.” instead. Throwing out a joyful response really helps us feel better about what is going on around us at any given moment. Throw out the seeds of peace. Our generation today has a huge entitlement issue, thus keeping things volatile. No one is entitled to anything when we have Christ in our lives and when we do not, we still are not entitled because God has the whole universe in His hands and controls everything. Each person is on this earth because of one God. Finally, just throw out the rest of the seeds of Galatians 5:22, 23; “…against such there is no law.”

What are we sowing today? There are many people in my life that have taught me the seeds to throw out so that I may reap. I am grateful and truly blessed to have them in my life, because I then can testify if I sow abundantly, I will reap abundantly.

What’s Next?

9/2/21

2010 – Present

My cancer journey began at thirteen in 1990, and the cancer journey continues at age 45 in 2021. How does this happen when the oncology doctor appointments are not scheduled anymore, chemotherapy drips are turned off, and your hair grows back? It continues because the side effects of a controlled substance used to fight the disease appear years later.

Immediate side effects of the chemotherapy drugs that were used in 1990. Vomiting, headaches, weight loss, hair loss, taste buds changed, large mouth sores, skin rashes, broviac-inserted IV into my chest; need I continue. Expansion of the side effects circle as a teenager-frequent school absences, lower grades, no sports, family affected, low self-esteem, bitterness began. Circle gets larger-hardness (fighter instinct), bitterness increases, keeping others at bay. Let us take a break here and go on a side effects’ rabbit trail. Once I hit Bible college and marriage, I learned these things about myself, and gave them to the Lord then, and continually pray that God will keep them at bay. Not so much about the cancer and side effects themselves, but about other things that come into my life. When you have been at a certain physical, emotional, and spiritual stage in the past and present day things come along, it is easy to revert back there if you are not careful.

Present day side effects. Well, its been 31 years since this all began, and I have to say in the last 10 years those side effects, as many of you have read in previous articles, have reared their ugly head. Infertility has been a huge part of our lives and is directly related to chemotherapy and my cancer surgery; doctor’s orders. I had a fall 10 years ago on ski slope that was so stupid; you hear that all the time-this person said they were just standing and fell over and twisted their knee up, or this other person said they hit a tree barely moving and got a concussion. Anyway a routine parallel stop when my son fell tore the ACL in my right knee. Doctor replaced it and said I had to be on crutches for eight weeks because he was concerned about minor bone loss in the femur where the newly attached ACL resided. A recent visit with the same doctor, and the bone loss is increasing; seen in long distant runners, smokers, and chemotherapy patients. I am not even remotely in the category of the first two.

Right after I had my first child, I went down for the count with severe back pain. It was what everyone else said they had when I talked about the pain; the L5 was pinching a nerve. A few years back, I told my husband I was not living in the back pain world anymore. I could not get out of bed normally, bend over at all, walk without pain, or enjoy my life. I was desperate and called a local spine doctor to get in for an evaluation. We did therapy, shots (which were so traumatic, let me tell you, to let someone put a needle in your back after 18 spinal taps during chemo, and yes I cried like a baby), and one year later he saw I had bone loss, underdevelopment in a lower vertebra, and everything would continue to settle downward. Surgery with rods and pins was the diagnosis, and his colleague would be my second opinion. His colleague did not agree; exercise, stretching, and core strength was his solution, and I have not returned because I work on those daily. No chemo side effect diagnosis, but I will take some liberty to say-how many spinal taps did I have in between those lower vertebras? and bone loss? And recently, I have seen multiple doctors concerning an eye problem. We are still in the process, but one diagnosis I was told it is caused by steroids. This is recent steroid use like eye drops or topical, but the amount of steroids I had during chemotherapy raises a red flag in my mind.

I left the oncology office 27 years ago free and clear and CURED, but God has made sure I know where and when and how I have come to where I am today by constantly reminding me WHO brought me to this place. These things are not just happenstance. They are orchestrated by Him, as my life today has been. I am not alive today because I was determined to fight, although our mental state is a huge part of our ability to heal, but I am alive and experiencing these things because GOD SAID CANCER and He chose me!

It is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Each and every person that goes through a trial like Childhood Cancer goes through it differently because God created us differently. But He chose us to go through the trial, so we are no different from each other in that aspect. God tells us in John 15:15, 16, “Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. Ye have not chosen me; but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.” God wants us to be His children. When we accept that position, He then asks us to tell others, whether that be verbally, by the way we live, by the way we speak, and even by the way we suffer. I live in constant pain and those closest to me know that, but God chose me to show others of His Healing, His Leading, and His Grace. Oh to live worthy to what He has called me to do…

Honeymoon Is Over

2003-2009

God had brought my husband and I together for a reason. We had spent an eventful honeymoon in the hospital, but now I was doing fine, and God was using us in His ministry at my husband’s home church. We jumped right in to teaching and hosting activities with an adult Bible class who were our parents’ ages. We had a great time and much grace passed on to us as we learned to teach and relate to this wonderful group of people. Eight months later, we found out we were going to have a baby and I stuck my tongue out at cancer. Look who is bigger; My God. We were ecstatic to say the least, and any uncomfortable thoughts that was there about not being able to have children quickly faded. We were going to be parents now! The pregnancy went well and we welcomed a baby boy in November 2003. Now on to parenting. That of course is another whole book that I will not be writing. The baby grew, and we were excited about the possibility of many more children. After a year, we knew we would like to have another and looked forward to it. Then another year passed and no pregnancies. I began to read about fertility and wondered if I should talk to my doctor at my yearly checkup because now we had a three year old. She suggested to keep trying and following my cycle pretty closely for the window to get pregnant. Year four, and we were ready to discuss different options.

The next year we spent going through different tests to determine hormone levels and my cycle began to change, which we thought was strange. The doctor then sent us to a fertility specialist, who then did a couple more tests and met with us. She began with these words, “Because you have had cancer and chemo, …” Nooooo! This was not happening. I was able to get pregnant fairly quickly the first time; my body is not messed up. Denial came as it did twenty years before. I had to snap out of it because I was an adult now. No denying this cancer side effect: infertility. She told us that I was premenopausal because the chemotherapy had shrunk my productive organs and they were the size of a late forty to early fifty year old woman. Also, because a woman has all of their eggs at birth, those eggs have been affected by the treatments. In Vitro would be extremely expensive and the possibility of fertility was very low. The oncologists long ago had it right when they said those drugs could cause infertility. The doctor told us to try for another year and then we should look into adoption. Since adoption had been on the table from the time we were dating, we decided six months later to pursue this avenue through the state and began our certification for the foster to adopt avenue. The beginning of the next year, we began to receive names of children monthly that needed a home. The Lord did not give us a peace about those names each month, and a couple of months into the new year, we made plans to start a private adoption. We needed to put a rental home up for sale and put the equity toward an adoption. We headed on a quick vacation to visit grandparents, and while we were traveling, my, I felt so tired. I could not catch up on sleep, granted we were going 100 miles an hour visiting our nation’s capital on the way to family. But, I soon had this feeling that maybe I was pregnant. We kept it under wraps until we got home, and then a home test confirmed it. That same day, we got a contract on our rental home! At this time we knew we should hold off on adoption because we wanted to make sure the pregnancy went well and the baby was healthy. The year flew by and our second son was born in December 2009.

Many women have a similar story. Infertility rings loudly in our society today, and each story is unique and almost always the most painstaking waiting game. The emotions can truly put a woman’s life in turmoil thinking that this was the month. A deep breath and quickened heartbeat, a little anxious to see what the next couple of days brings and a nervousness to mention it to your husband. Thoughts throughout the day of how you are going to tell your mom and dad and how excited your friend will be who just announced their pregnancy. Their facial expressions and what they will all say play over and over in your head. Then your excitement starts to build for this possibility of a new baby in the house. In my case, since there was another child, thoughts of how excited they will be to have a new brother or sister. Ok, let’s reign it in and make certain this is true. Off to the store to buy a pregnancy test. Before my husband came home, I made sure to take the test so I can share the results with him, only to see that it was negative. What? Maybe it was a bad test; well, I will just have to go get another tomorrow, which also turned out negative, and two days later evidence of no pregnancy. Three months later, same song second verse, only the evidence of no pregnancy came quite a few days later, then the next time around, weeks later. Skipped months altogether and then negative test results filled the bathroom trash.

The weight and pressure and anxiety were intense, especially through each friend’s new pregnancy announcement. I was definitely not angry at them or disappointed that they were pregnant; on the contrary, I was so happy for them and their family. I even had an idea when some of them were pregnant before they even announced it. A little creepy? But my feelings and anxieties never went away, except for those brief times when I was waiting for the test to turn positive. Again, please let me say a new life must be celebrated and a pregnancy announcement must be made. It is a hard pill to swallow, but it has nothing to do with them. It is only the course that my God put me on to bear, and that course started many years before with another announcement, You Have Cancer.

Why me, though?

Why not?

From the time of the birth of our first son until the birth of our second was six years and one month, and outside of the second pregnancy months, those years are described above. God chose us to endure those years for a reason. We were able to see Him:

1. As our Salvation

Psalm 27:1 “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear: the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”

2. In control

Proverbs 21:1 “The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will.”

2. To help reign in our Thoughts

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

3. In my ultimate verse for many years before this and many years of infertility

Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh it is a tree of life.”

It is impossible to put to paper the many things that God brought to my life through this new journey. Our second son was a true miracle; there is no explanation on how I was able to get pregnant because my body was not functioning properly. In fact, we did not know when I got pregnant, and so a due date was a guesstimate based on the baby’s size. He came 10 days early.

As I said before, my story is unique to me but not unique to many women going through infertility. It has been a part of most of our lives through family, friends, co-workers or acquaintances, just like cancer. Together with God’s Almighty Hand and His Word to guide us, we can be a beacon to others and hopefully grow His Kingdom with our unique stories.

Brave in the Face of Fear

bridge 1

7/30/2020

Fall 2001

How many times in our lifetime have we heard, “Be brave, you can do this?” As a little girl and as a parent the words, “Jump, I will catch you,” were said many times. To be brave is to take everything inside of us, since we have no control over it, and look out at the situation at hand and … step? jump? speak? breathe? Brave means many different things, but it will always mean to show no fear when faced with danger or difficulty. But “show no fear?” If we show fear, are we brave?

When cancer goes from being a word someone else heard in their doctor’s office, to a word that WE hear laying in a hospital bed from the lips of our doctor, FEAR. When the vehicle we are driving in veers off the road or is hit by another vehicle, FEAR. When we are up all night with a child who is sick with a fever or cannot breathe because of an infection, FEAR. In all of these and any other fearful situations, is it ok that we show fear even though we should be brave? You bet; we are brave even when we do not show bravery at certain times in our lives because of circumstances like these.

As God had finally given me my future spouse, a couple more fears resurfaced which had been pushed to the back of my mind and heart from my cancer days. Finally, I would be discussing with the man of my dreams that my past would be affecting our future. One of the final discussions with my oncologist was the fact, that a medically known fact about the cancer drugs that were administered through that tiny tube sticking out of the middle of my chest for eighteen long and grueling months, caused infertility. Because cancer destroyed one of my ovaries, and it had to be removed in the initial surgery, along with that medical fact about the drugs, bummer, having children was not looking too promising. And now all that information had been in the back of my mind for that last eight or so years, and it was time to share this with the man who decided I was the one for him. I was in utmost nervousness. Another side effect!

The discussion went like this. Oh, wait. I never had to bring it up. One evening as we were about to spend some time in chit chat, he quickly said something like this, “I know that you had cancer, and many of the drugs, from what I understand, can cause infertility. There are plenty of children out there to adopt.” What in the world is wrong with this guy?! He basically just summed up my mind’s recorded conversation with the man of my dreams in just two sentences?! Well, that was easy! And that fear and the burden which I did not realize I was carrying, just melted away with the biggest sigh of relief; outside of my SALVATION and the words, “You are officially considered cured.” And at that moment I knew God had brought my future spouse into my life to love me just the way I was, infertile and all!

The fear of a person not accepting me was really not noticeable, but it was there. I was brave and had been brave during my difficult cancer treatments. I had been brave to share with this man my fear of infertility. If I had stayed away from that discussion, even though I did not initiate it, I would have been in denial, and Satan can thrive in denial. To be brave in any circumstance shows others that there is Someone helping us conquer those fears, insecurities, expectations. God was there through my cancer trial, in fact, God Said Cancer, and He would be there through every single, unpleasant side effect that came my way; which by the way, He knew they would. I can live in fear, but bravery is so much more pleasant. That is hard to remember on a day to day basis, though.

I tend to be a scaredy cat about the silliest little things. Heights are one of them. Put me on a roller coaster, and they really do not bother me. I tend to stay away from them though because, side effect alert, bad back in need of surgery. But before my back and neck problems, I truly enjoyed them. But I cannot stand heights. A few years back my husband and I went on a short trip with friends. One of the excursions was walking out on a concrete bridge spanning a deep gorge. Mind you, we had just drove over the bridge and at the time cars were coming over the bridge as we made our trek across. I could not even get 25 feet onto the bridge before my fear kicked in, and I about had a fit right there in front of all of the other trekkers. I immediately turned around and watched as the rest of group kept going. They have great “couple” pictures in the middle of the bridge, and there is my husband all by his lonesome. Cool picture, though!

Bravery was not in my vocabulary that day. I showed 110% fear in the face of danger and difficulty, and why was I ok with that? My own decision not to cross. My own decision not to trust. I have a fear of heights, and I let Satan talk me into trusting myself instead of trusting something that was undoubtedly trustworthy; that bridge, which I might add, has not fallen and most likely will not fall. God is trustworthy and if I had looked past the bridge part of it and just trusted in God, I could have made it out there with them.

Going through cancer treatments brought moments of bravery, and I pushed through much fewer moments of fear or I would not be here today. A person must see that they are going to come out of it on the other side or the fear is intoxicating. It takes a person’s ability to take the next breath, to see an end in sight, to live; if we only live in fear of what is before us. Granted, I am not or have not gone through many, many things that others have gone through, so I cannot know how each individual situation makes a person feel or fear, but let me tell you, I know fear and I have been through some extremely hard times. I came out on the other side of those times trusting in a God who is the Great Physician, Jehovah Rapha; God who is There, Jehovah Shammah; God who will Provide, Jehovah Jireh; God of Peace, Jehovah Shalom. Trust in Him! He is there always, we have to take our fears and place them at His feet; ask to be brave with the situation before us, and JUMP!

Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” We can! It may be a struggle, and we may still cower in the face of danger, which is perfectly ok, but we can do it. I was raised in a family of singers. We spent many a service in the sanctuary of our little church, raising our voices to God for His goodness. Shortly after my diagnosis, my mom found this song and encouraged me to sing it. I think it was helpful for me to see that I was denying being sick most of the time, and needed to see that in reality, I can be brave and should be brave, but I was still human.

Warrior Is a Child by Gary Valenciano, Sung by Twila Paris

Verse 1: Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right,

But even winners can get wounded in the fight,

People say that I’m amazing, I’m strong beyond my years,

But they don’t see inside of me, I’m hiding all the tears.

Verse 2: Unafraid because his armor is the best,

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest,

People say that I’m amazing, I never face retreat,

But they don’t see the enemies, that lay me at his feet.

Chorus: They don’t know that I come running home when I fall down,

They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around,

I drop my sword and cry for just a while,

‘Cause deep inside this amor, The Warrior is a Child.

Y2K

smileyfaceatsunset-2000px-mikesalway

5/31/2020

2000

For those of us old enough to remember this fateful New Year’s Eve and what they were doing when the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2000, will also remember not much came of all the hype. Year 2000 will go down in history as a memory of “nothing happened.” It was a relief when we realized that the computer did not crash and the food pantry would stay stocked and the gas prices stayed the same. Most of us were relieved, right? In recent weeks, we have, in a way, seen what we did not see that fateful night.

For me the year 2000 was a new beginning. The world had recently come crashing down a few months before this with a second cancer scare in a matter of a couple of years. It made me wonder if the rest of my life would be lived in fear that cancer is just a doctor’s visit away. That because the word cancer passed a doctor’s lips, traveled as sound waves through the air, and entered my ears one other time, that too, might be a side effect. Might possibly happen again. Well, it had been too close for comfort. But I could not live like that. The recent hype was subsided and my life consisted of teaching and enjoying time with friends. I was truly grateful for feelings of relief, a constant calmness with everyday life, and a reminded reflection on how good God was to me. My career was in its second year, and my placement was fulfilling and enlightening on a day to day basis. I knew God was guiding my steps in a direction with end results that He knew. Y2K-Yield 2 the King.

Back to my teaching experiences. The only door that was not open was that one that led to my spouse. God had not opened the door and at twenty four, it seemed the best way was let God handle it. There were many things that had come my way up to this point in my life, and I had made it my mantra-Y2K. The percentage is pretty high where I did this, but that small percentage where there was not a yield to the King, I tried things my own way and was disappointed. Yet, God does bring those times in our lives. Proverbs 16:9 says, “A man’s heart deviseth his way; but the Lord directeth his steps.” He is still there to direct our paths yet gives us a choice.

Choice to choose Him as our Savior. Matthew 7:13 “Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat.”
Choice to confess our sins. I John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Choice to serve God. I Corinthians 15:58 “Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.”
Choice to make the right choice. I Corinthians 10:13 “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”

During this famous year, I continued teaching, going on field trips, spending time with friends and family, and serving God in my church. My summer consisted of a single’s camp in Colorado, and I realized my prayers for my future husband were extremely important. I knew my choice for a spouse was the biggest thing in my life at the time next to my relationship with the Lord. He was to guide me if I would just choose to Y2K, and at that point my lack of yielding was the only thing going to stop Him from showing me the one to spend the rest of my life with. Why, though, had God chosen me to wait this long?

My third year of teaching began, and I felt more ready for this year than ever before. The class consisted of fantastic students and parents, and the familiarity of the curriculum helped things go smoothly. We had a wonderful year and a great time together. The 2001 summer began with another single’s camp where I dedicated my future spouse and marriage to God. I knew that if He wanted me to serve Him as a single young lady than that is what I would do. The test on that decision came shortly after that fateful week when my younger brother got married to my best friend. Boy, really? Y2K!!! Yield to the King. So that is what I did, and then my future husband, who was a friend and an acquaintance, walked into my life as something more. We both knew that we were the one we had both been waiting 25 years.

Choices, they are ours. How we decide which choice is easier or somewhat easier when we yield our lives and those choices to a God who directs us as His children. Matthew 6:33, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” Yielding to God each and every step of the way, gets us to a place where God can use us, and then we can make more right choices. A circle in progress.

Hi, Mom!

istockphoto-938848046-612x612

5/9/2020

For most of us women who have desired, wanted, had a child, Mother’s Day is the best and worst day of the year. I plan to go in to detail of my years of infertility in future blog articles, but today I would like to reflect a little on my journey and give an idea of what other precious ladies may be going through this day of celebrating moms.

As many times before, let me preface my thoughts with, cancer takes so much from us. As a girl playing Little House on the Prairie with my beloved and amicable younger brother, I had enjoyed being mom. Maybe because I am a very bossy person to begin with, but we will not discuss my faults here. As a teen, I began to see light at the end of the tunnel when treatments ended and doctors gave us the green light for actually living a full prosperous life, even a life at all was a good deal in my mind. But that day when we were sitting in that little white exam room, I clearly remember the doctor going over a few things about what we should expect, or what we might expect in the health department. Let me just say, he forgot a few things, but it was not his fault.

One thing he mentioned was that we should keep in touch and come in once a year for a couple, then every five, then if needed. This hospital was a research hospital, and I was an excellent candidate for information. Granted he did not refer to me as a specimen; he wanted to continue to see us. If we moved, he encouraged me to have regular doctor’s appointments and tests wherever I lived. Another thing he mentioned is keep a cardiologist close by because of my heart condition. Lastly, or maybe it was the only thing I heard because any words after went in one ear and out the other, was that two of the drugs are known to cause infertility. Since I was getting ready to graduate, head to college, and hopefully find the man of my dreams, I might want to remember that when it was time to start a family.

Well, remembering was definitely not a problem. It truly stayed in my thoughts that day, and then teenagering continued and starting a family was far in the future. Graduation, college, a couple of moves, my career began, and Mr. Right came along. The doctor’s words surfaced, and I wondered how I would have this discussion with Mr. Right. He shared his thoughts with me on the subject before I even brought it up. He was much aware of the fact I was a cancer survivor and mentioned to me that he knew if we could not have kiddos, we would adopt. That brought everything into perspective quickly, and oh, let’s get married now, you are so wonderful! I knew he was the one for me if he was willing to give up ever having his own children to marry someone who possibly could not.

Our first baby came 18 months after marriage, and the doctor’s words were forgotten. Who says those cancer drugs cause infertility? Well, they did not affect me and my one ovary! We are cancer free and having babies. So long, cancer side effects, hello perfect life! Four years later and trying for another baby most of that time, the doctor’s words were not only at the front of our minds, they were passing our lips as we spoke to another doctor in a different field of medicine. She encouraged us to keep trying and consider infertility options. We left saying we would pray about it and save. Before we started our infertility options, miracle baby came almost two years later.

Motherhood has been an amazing journey. I love those boys more than I can express. They are hilarious, hard workers, loving, and made me a mom. Doctors said it would be medically difficult. But only by God’s grace, His healing hand, do I get to celebrate Mother’s Day this year. There are many women all over the world who have a similar desire to have children, and yet, for some reason they have not. They hurt on Mother’s Day. I am so sorry. Please understand, I can feel some of that pain, too. They may celebrate their moms on Mother’s Day, but when others post the pictures of their kids starting school, opening presents, eating ice cream hanging upside down in a tree, lemonade stands, baseball games, knee surgeries, they celebrate with us, but the ache is overwhelming. Those women hurt year round, and then Mother’s Day comes and the ache is like a knife.

For moms, we should celebrate our children, please do not take this wrong. I did not have to celebrate Mother’s Day in my married life without a child because God gave us one within two years of marriage, but I did have to celebrate year after year with a desire to have another child, and after having a second, repeat. God has not given us any more children, but I am so grateful, 100 times over grateful, for my husband, my children, and my infertility.

This verse was my infertility verse. Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” I have been down the road of a hurting heart, a desire to have children, and when they came, they were my tree of life.

Now We All Know…

4/7/20

Since my 30 year Cancerversary post, I have had many other memorable moments that occurred thirty years ago. My diagnosis was March 15, 1990, and then a few days later we left the hospital only to return within a week because of a bowel obstruction. This obstruction was resolved only by God’s sovereign hand because my mom begged the doctor’s not to do surgery which would be the second one in a matter of a couple of weeks. Doctors in Salt Lake City told her if it does not resolve, we must do surgery, but if we do not do surgery she will die. Mom knew surgery would kill me and at that one moment, my parents made the decision that there would be no surgery. Putting me in God’s hand again for the umpteenth time in a matter of a month, God said, “I got this.” Within 36 hours, the bowel obstruction resolved, and we were headed back to Wyoming. Two weeks later, on Easter morning, my hair fell out. This weekend coming up is about Jesus’ Resurrection and one of redemption and saving grace. It means all of that to me and so much more because it is another Cancerversary for me. Reminders of what I went through, spiritually and physically. Redemption, healing, and saving grace.

Since my last post, the whole country’s population has changed the way we do life. I sit outside not watching a baseball game or practice like we have done in the Spring for the last twelve years, but I am watching kids in the neighborhood draw with sidewalk chalk on the driveways and ride their bikes up and down the street. Baby doll carriages and cartwheels mixed with remote control cars and makeshift ramps litter the sidewalks and new grass. I purchased a small little perennial a few years ago and the return of the tiny little perfect, purple flowers show everyone it made it through winter and it is time to shine. Thank goodness. It is so beautiful.

But the reality of why I am in this place this evening sets in, and I sit and ponder. You see, the new reality that we all are living for such a time as this, can be nothing new to a cancer patient. Yes, many of us know cancer patients that still attend events, church services, go to work or school, and do not even wear a mask, but I would submit that the majority live a life like most of us are living right now.

In my experience, my chemotherapy was every two weeks and each time we went in, we had to do blood work to see if my WBC or white blood count was high enough to receive the chemo. Chemo not only knocks down the cancer cells but also the healthy cells that fight any infections. The reason for treatments every two weeks, in my case, were so that the WBC could build back up because they were being knocked down so far by hard core chemotherapy drugs. On at least two occasions, at the two week mark my counts were low, and we had to go home. How I did not get sick is a miracle in itself because I was in 9th and 10th grade, and daily going to school. All that to say, infections were very much a concern after each treatment. Wearing a mask, washing my hands, and homeschooling were the norm at the beginning. I refused a mask, homeschooling, and prayed for low counts not really taking into consideration the magnitude of my susceptibility to infections and germs. My parents worked hard to protect me, especially with the prayers they sent to Heaven on my behalf.

Cancer patients and their families who take treatments seriously, will do whatever it takes to keep those germs away, as we all are doing now. They will skip an event, they will stay home from school, they will use hand sanitizer and masks all because they are highly susceptible to the outside bad stuff. I do not really believe they live in fear, but they know somewhat what the consequences are, as we have heard and are living our lives right now. They live years like this as long as they are on treatments, and they want to get back to normal as soon as possible. Yet the side effects will live on forever. We hope our lives get back to normal soon, yet so many lives are changed forever as well. Now we ALL know, to an extent, how a cancer patient lives.

God tells us in His word there is a time for everything.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and time to die; a time to plant, and time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and time to cast away; A time to rend, and time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.”

God has all the time in His hands. As Christians, we understand each and every thing in this life and all the happenings are for a purpose; for a reason that we may not understand at that time. But praise be to God, “He has this.”

Cancerversary

30-years-in-business

3/15/2020

Seasons are times of change in temperature, weather, and clothing. They bring to us new schedules like a school year to a summer break and transitions from one sport to the next. Any one person would give their honest opinion of their favorite season because just about every person has a favorite. My top season would be spring with a close second season, fall. I love spring because the chill is not constantly keeping me in a coat, and I can get away with a sweater or light jacket.

When a person ponders the seasons, there can be so many lessons to learn. Spring gives us the saying for March, “In like a lion, out like a lamb,” meaning the first of the month tends to keep winter around and the last part of the month sees a tad warmer temperature and the beginnings of spring. I begin to put a plan in place for the tiny garden in the back yard. I am not much of a green thumb, but I keep trying. I can grow jalapenos well, but we do not eat them so I have not figured out why I keep planting them. Because they always do well, and I feel like I am growing something? Whatever. Spring is a picture of new growth, turning over a new leaf, doing things new; oh, and cleaning out the dreaded closets!

Summer has been mentioned in a previous post and helps me evaluate what is most important with extra time spent with family on our annual vacation. It is a picture of slowing down. There are so many new hours to fill without school and longer evenings. Barbeques and visiting with friends and family. Summers can be really busy for some, but still has a connotation of “let us take a minute to… ?” Fall, now that is a season that a large majority of people love. Whether it is Pumpkin Spice Lattes or hayrides or the changing leaves. It is definitely at the top of the “Favorite Season” list. Winter comes in dead last. Sorry, winter lovers, but I am not a fan of the cold or snow.

As I ponder the changing seasons, today marks a huge ‘VERSARY for me. March 15, 1990, thirty years ago, was a day I went into surgery to remove a mass in my stomach, but came out eight hours later with a cancer diagnosis, an eighteen inch long scar, an ovary removed, a broviac for chemotherapy, and a laundry list of other things. This day changed my life forever, no question about that. I have tried to express those changes on the blog throughout the last year and half by telling others what we went through; me personally with my family that stood by my side. But when doctors said “you are good,” I thought for sure those changes were done as well. Obviously, that was not going to be the last I time I would spend with doctors concerning this disease. The long term effects have “haunted” me ever since.

1999/2000

In my cancer journey, I finished my first year of teaching in 1999 and had a great summer working for a chiropractor. I made sure I never worked another summer; my contract was year round and starting school again was hard after working all summer. Starting my second teaching year, I was excited because I was moved to a much larger classroom with a new setup and new decorations. But a couple of months into the school year, I knew I had a problem. I noticed a place in my lower abdomen that did not feel normal. I had been down this road before and the outcome was devastating. “Fear washed over me” is an understatement. I do not know how I kept it together, but after a discussion with my mom on how to go about this (remember I did not have insurance), we decided to go into our family doctor and plan on the worst. Doctor appointments, CT scan, whatever it took for me to go down this road again. Insurance bare.

I would need to go to my principal and give her a heads up, at least take off a day to get the tests done, and ask for prayer. I could not hold it together when I met with her. Most people who know me realize I am not much of a crier. Come on, I had two brothers and no sisters, and I have two sons and no daughters. Crying does not come at the drop of a hat. I think I have cried in front of my husband less than ten times in seventeen years. Nothing wrong with crying, please understand me, but I am not a crier. So that fateful day in early fall 1999, crying was at the top of the list while I explained my dilemma. My principal was thoughtful, caring, and we discussed what should happen next. First, we needed answers and in the process she would also put in place a plan if the end result was not what we wanted.

We scheduled the doctor’s appointment, and with my history, he in turn got me right in for the CT scan. Barium, again! Oh, the most awful drink on this earth. Why, can they not figure out another way to do a full CT scan on a belly a different way? Time might have changed this process, but twenty years ago, it was the same barium and the exact same smell that made me want to puke. I did return to school the next day and waited anxiously for the results. When the phone rang, a wave of anxiety about took me to the ground, and I have wondered if I was white as a ghost. “Nothing to worry about,” the doctor said. “It looks like scar tissue.” Have you ever took in a long, deep breath that seemed to last for a minimum of a full minute? Of course, they do not last that long, but it feels like it when the relief from the anxiety is literally traveling out of our body through each finger and toe. The saying, “weight of the world on my shoulders,” was so real during that time, and now it felt like God had lifted it off. He said, “Trust me. I healed you from the beginning. This may be a part of the side effects, but you are in my hands.”

Pretty crazy, that my cancer journey timeline and blog article today happens to have a cancer scare in it, on the day that the cancer scare came to fruition thirty years ago. I am so grateful for every step on my journey, every step. Not only the good ones, because I really rejoice in those, but the hard ones; the ones that make a person feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. God tells us in I Peter 5:7, “Casting all your care upon him for he careth for you.” He says in Psalm 37:23, “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord; and he delighteth in his way.” He has us taken care of. I am so grateful.

God Said Cancer In The Pool of Grace

SwimmingPool

3/10/20

It does not really matter how long I sit and ponder the current biggest issues in my life, there is a God in Heaven that has everything in the palm of His hand; He’s got it covered. We are on this earth for a reason, and because we are on this earth, created in His image but with a sinful nature, issues come. But, at this very moment a dear friend has started her cancer journey and is fighting for her life. Nothing right now that I have in my life can compare to what she is going through, yet God Said Cancer to me almost thirty years ago, so I can relate to most of what she is facing. The reason I started writing down my cancer journey is because cancer may come and go, but it never leaves the fabric of who a person is. It changes so many things about a person, not just the physical aspect but mental and spiritual as well.

Our friend and coworker, who is now fighting this fight, had been given the hard and not so promising news recently. With more details, more doctor visits, and more tests, a plan was formed. When we visited her, her spirits were up because a plan was in place. A specific phrase she made at the hospital will never leave my mind and heart, because I can truly say she is right. “I feel like I have jumped into a pool of water and GRACE is all around me; above me, beside me, below me, and I am just surrounded by it.” Her peace was intoxicating. She was able to see her God through the midst of the chaos. A God of Grace.

In my cancer journey, I cannot say I ever realized this grace was surrounding me, but it was. I was thirteen, and God was real to me but not mine. As I have mentioned in an earlier post, I was saved about a year into my journey when my dad asked me if I had ever thought about cancer taking my life. I realized I was a sinner and would have gone to hell if I had not lived. So grace, although it was there, it was not something I can say was a part of my journey early on. My parents, they were in the pool. They were made strong through God’s grace.

Paul says it perfect in II Corinthians 12:7-9: “And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh,… For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he (Christ) said unto me, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” Paul was given his “thorn” just like I was, and he asked God to remove it, as I did. Paul realized that when Christ died for him, God’s strength and grace surrounded him, and he gloried in his “thorn” so others may see God. Wow. Oh, to be someone that glories in my infirmities, so God can be seen!

Have we seen those Olympic size pools that are super long and deep? They are so large-God’s grace is bigger. In college, God showed me this pool of grace that I had been swimming in since my diagnosis. He showed me the grace to spare my life so that I would see His love for me and my sinful nature and accept Him as my personal Savior. Hebrews 12:16 “Let us come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.” He showed me so much grace that was poured over me and my family for the year and a half of chemotherapy, doctors, bowel obstructions, I could go on but my past blog articles catalog those things. He showed me His grace given to us when the cancer “disappeared” at the three months scans. “It was a miracle.” It was GRACE. In October of 1993, the doctors put the stamp of CURE on my chart. “We do not need to see you again unless you have complications. It would be good to have an annual checkup.” Again, GRACE.

I had to realize I was swimming in the pool already. Hearing God’s word preached so often was the turning point in my life and the realization that I was in God’s pool of grace, and I have been there ever since. That is so fascinating. And yet when I hear others go through what I went through, I cannot breathe. I am encouraged when a visit with them shows me they found that GRACE in the midst of their trial. Then I praise God that His grace is still there, still helping someone put one foot in front of the other in bad times and the good times. Were it not for grace; another side effect of cancer? Most definitely.

This song was released my first year of college.

Were It Not For Grace by David Hamilton

Time measured out my days,
Life carried me along,
In my soul I yearned to follow God,
But knew I’d never be so strong.
I looked hard at this world,
To learn how heaven could be gained.
Just to end where I began
Where human effort is all in vain.

Were it not for grace,
I can tell you where I’d be.
Wandering down some pointless road to nowhere,
With my salvation up to me.
I know how that would go,
The battles I would face.
Forever running but losing this race,
Were it not for grace.

So here is all my praise,
Expressed with all my heart,
Offered to the Friend who took my place,
And ran a course I could not start.
And when He saw in full,
Just how much His would cost.
He still went the final mile between me and heaven,
So I would not be lost.

You Know You’re A Boy Mom

boy mom 2/18/20

Fall/Spring 1998/99

I sat and looked around the house chuckling as my eyes spanned the living area. The coffee table was void of the cute centerpiece basket with the decorations inside, placed off to the side next to the wall. In its place was a bright blue net of a table top ping-pong set with paddles resting on either side, missing the ping pong ball which had been blasted across the room scoring the game ending point. This scene puts a sign on my back with big letters “Boy Mom,” or maybe it’s just my label.

This label comes with a whole slew of other scenes in life that has to do with boys:

Laundry time comes with a handful of rocks and sticks fished out of pockets.

Hugs and kisses one minute and then smacks with foam swords the next.

Your foot is permanently marked with little round LEGO circles.

The toilet area, need I say more?

You paint your nails during the first inning of the baseball game so they can dry without getting smudge for the next eight innings.

Dad asks on the way out the door if they have any other jeans.

The epic wrestling match is always right before bed.

Pretty things? What is that?

Oh, and the smell is another one with the label, EPIC!

I really enjoy being a boy mom. I only had two brothers growing up, and one of them was a year younger than me, so we were very close when we were little. When I chopped off my hair at the age of three with the giant scissors, my mom looked like she had twin boys. As mentioned in one of my earlier blog articles, we spent our childhood outside, and I was a bona fide tomboy. Therefore, I was destined to be a boy mom.

When the first year teaching came along, the academic part of teaching was very natural, and it was easy to explain each concept to those bright-eyed fourth graders. I loved using unconventional things to explain things like fractions. By using a student standing on a chair for the numerator holding a yardstick next to another student standing on the floor as the denominator, math was brought to life. There were relays to study history terms and basketball tosses to help explain nouns. My favorite times were teaching new choruses created from favorite Bible verses. I loved to sing with the class, and singing brought happiness to the classroom and our daily learning. I loved the academic side of teaching but truly enjoyed getting to know the students on the playground, field trips, and pickup time. It was nice to not think about grades and papers, and go shoot a few basketballs on the court or talk about their soccer game win or piano recital from the weekend.

Unfortunately, following all outside recess came the almost unbearable and putrid body odor smell. In Oklahoma. and especially in August and September, their outside play opened the sweat glands and those in turn permeated the room with sweet odor. The rest of the day never recovered, so the best we could do was open the door and turn down the AC. This never changed year to year. The play and smells were intertwined, and a teacher made due. I had been prepared for these smells because of my brothers, and then when I had boys, those smells showed up again. This is never going to change!

I have learned what masks the smells and find the spray of pretty smell or diffuse the sweet smell all day. Then I started thinking about how a smell permeates the room whether it is an outdoor smell or a sweet smell. The molecules do not take very long to move throughout the room and affect each individual there, because the air is in constant circulation. Especially in the car after a football game or basketball practice! Phew, wee! But, I really am grateful for the smells, because they are from people that I love and appreciate. A smell can bring up memories that we enjoy or they bring back other memories that we want to forget.

In my cancer journey, the hospital and doctor smells are unforgettable and are brought to my memory every single time I go through those doors. Who knew smells would be a side effect of cancer?!? But those smells can also be a reminder of where I have been and where I am today. They remind me of the super, amazing hard times of chemotherapy, spinal taps, doctor’s appointments of anxiety about cancer reoccurrence. Literally, a smell brings a flash of memory about wearing those awesome hospital gowns or walking around in those non-slip socks. Red Jello brings the memory of liquid diets and ice chips. One smell, a multitude of thoughts.

If one smell can bring a multitude of thoughts, words and actions supersede the smell. I spent my first year of teaching in constant anxiety because the words on the pages of rejection letters from insurance companies. When we speak to others or our actions toward others do not bring comfort, that person internalizes those things, and it affects them and who they are. God’s Word encourages us to be careful of this and to live by the Spirit that He has given to us to receive. Galatians 5:22, 23 wraps it all up neatly: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance; against such there is no law.” If we make the conscious “choice” (our actions and words are OUR choice) to be a help to others and not a hurt, we will put off a “smell” that others around us enjoy. We will give them the “smell” of love, joy, peace, etc… because we choose to. It is our choice and no one else’s. Can we do this? Are we willing to choose between the good and the bad?

Hope Deferred; Stuck in the Roundabout

Magic-Roundabout3

12-10-19

Summer 1998

Hope deferred can really make our heart sick, exactly how God puts it in Proverbs. We look forward to many things in our lives. I remember when I was a little girl, my dad pastored in a couple of churches in Texas. Along with being a pastor’s kid came the privilege of going to church camp with my parents when they would visit the youth while they were at camp. Depending on the church size, my parents were the chaperones so we spent all week at camp. I loved it so much, but I really enjoyed hanging out with the “big kids.” They put up with me; humored me. The best day ever was when I was going to be just like them, and that day could not come fast enough. Hope deferred… In junior high, getting into high school was going to be the best day ever. In high school, nothing could take the place of getting my driver’s license! After the driver’s license came looking forward to graduating from high school and “getting out of Dodge” on my way to college. Should I keep going? We get the picture.

Hope deferred was constant in my life, and I have to admit, I find myself in that state of mind every now and then. But currently, it does not seem to make my “heart sick” near as often. In my life’s journey in 1998, I had completed four years of college with no future plans, spouse, address (TBD in Oklahoma), job… Pretty much depending on God for every step of the way, because “the way” looked a little like a London roundabout. My husband and I visited London a few years ago, and he wanted to drive which means renting a vehicle. Unbeknownst to us, driving in England means there are many intersections that have multiple streets coming into one point. These roundabouts have six, seven streets that spur off and a person has to know which one to get off at AND, for us Americans, make sure when we pick that street, we are on the correct side (which did not happen once!) On more than one occasion, we ended up in a roundabout, and after a few revolutions figured out the correct street and were able to exit.

Kind of like hope. Deferred; so we take another go at it. This way, God? Nope, here we go again. In life, I was definitely in a roundabout and headed to Colorado to work yet another summer at a church camp. I was not discouraged, but excited because I loved summer camp, and this was an opportunity to live and breathe camp for eight weeks. It was hard work, and we spent many a night falling into bed for a short night of sleep to repeat the jobs the next day. I spent much time praying about my future and asking God what He would have for me. There were big decisions that were made that summer.

One of those decisions came in the way of a job opportunity. My parents had already arrived in Oklahoma and were attending church. They met a principal of a school and decided to give me a call; in their mind they knew who I was while I was in denial. I love the parental role; it is amazing! They sent me an application to that school. Not interested! But, I prayed and looked through the application. It was what I was created to do, created to be, created to give on this earth. Be a teacher. I knew from the beginning of time, teaching was my future. I had an interview over the phone and received my first teaching job, sight unseen for both sides. Hope had been deferred which was not known until I jumped out of the roundabout with my eyes closed, no turn signal, praying it was the right side of the road. What a crazy step of faith! My summer ended in Colorado, and I headed to my future address in Oklahoma with a brand new job at a school I had never seen or a principal and school employees I had never met. Nervous to say the least, but super excited because of the unknown. God had been faithful to me and gracious to guide me out of the roundabout down a new street.

During this time, since I was a college graduate my health insurance was no longer available through my parents, and I needed to get insurance because of my health history. I started with the most obvious insurance company in the city I was living in, and within a few weeks, received my first “rejected” letter. My application had been rejected because of a “pre-existing condition.” CANCER had once again denied me; hope deferred and now I was in the cancer roundabout again. Why was this happening? I did not have cancer, I was cancer free for almost ten years, medically noted as cured for almost five years. What was their problem? On to the next insurance company. Denied! Then the next, Denied. Five insurance companies later and still no insurance. No one told me that cancer would do that; that this would be another long term side effect! I guess I had to find out the hard way about the insurance and now needed to plan for any medical problems that may raise their ugly head. One more thing to be anxious about in my cancer journey.

Along with the insurance conundrum, two weeks before school started, I walked into my new school and classroom with an incredible amount of butterflies. The principal, team teachers, fellow teachers, and the faculty were all amazing and taught me everything I needed to know to receive a precious group of fourth graders on the first day of school. Two weeks flew by, and it was time.

The roundabout. Many roads headed into one circle that once someone gets into, there may be times where they will stay for a while, yet fewer times that they take the next road. It is a picture of our hope deferred. It makes a heart sick, but when the desire comes it is a tree of life. It is fantastic, breath taking, breath exhaling, whatever we classify the tree of life. We can be so grateful that our God gives us the abilities to get in the roundabout and wait on Him to show us the next road. Thank you, God, for Hope Deferred in the Roundabouts.

The Road Ahead Looks Great

road-ahead

6/11/19

Fall 1994/Spring 1995

With the brother in a better health situation, my mind could focus on the task at hand. The college life kept moving ahead with day after day of classes and book work. I was able to secure a fantastic job as a private tutor at a tutoring service in a nearby city. It was a fulfilling job because I was a teacher at heart and hoping to get my degree in that field. The hours were perfect; leave school at 2:15pm to start teaching at 3:00pm and clock out at 8pm for the drive home. It was a solid 30 minute drive on the streets of the suburbs of east LA. Most drives were uneventful, and it was basically a straight shot down Arrow Highway.

On occasion the drive was abnormal. A couple of us from school worked at the tutoring service, so we would carpool. One trip, my friend and I were talking and having a good ole’ time, and a guy started yelling at us with his window down, pointing at the ground. We were a tad nervous, because, well this is LA. I soon realized I was driving on a flat tire, pulled over, and we took a look. Since we were not in the tire changing business, looking for the items to change the tire was an ordeal, and the lug nut turning never happened. We were weaklings to say the least. My friend was a blond beauty so many a honk came our way, and one guy stopped in front of us and turned around with a car phone. We waved him on, very nervous; again this is LA. She ran across the street to a pay phone and paged a friend, who showed up and changed the tire. We got back in the car, and it would not start! Our friend was able to help get it going, and we headed to work, late for our first appointments.

When we were stopped at the side of that road with a flat tire, we soon noticed we were on a long stretch of highway that did not have a gas station. Well, before that fateful day, this particular stretch of highway was the best time to get up speed and catch up on time if we were running behind. It had, in the past, been our saving grace when we needed help to get where we needed to go on time. That road was not looking so great those few moments. Our perspective changed in an instance, and we never did look at it the same again. We chuckled about what happened there when we would pass by, and I can go to that spot today and point it out.

Stories of road mishaps can be told by all, but it is amazing that there are not more of them, when we travel well worn paths in the concrete on a daily basis. Many times we take for granted that road, the familiar stop sign or stop light, the same neighborhoods and businesses… Our surroundings do not change but unless our circumstances do, we typically do not notice or we pay little attention to them. When the circumstances change, we then notice. Same with our lives, right? Day by day, we try to live a life that has meaning and fulfillment; focusing on our families, focusing on our relationship with God, focusing on our church family, focusing on… We can fill in the blank with whatever we narrow down our focal points. It is what we are supposed to do, but then the flat tire comes along and what happens?

First off, our physical reactions to the flat tire are super important to discuss. This subject hits close to home, because in the last few years, I have been confronted by the way I react. I truly and purposefully try to be better, not always successful but am grateful for those around me that confront me and give me grace. It is incredibly important to keep my relationship with God strong, which keeps my focus on Him strong when the flat tires come along. I try to remind myself of the following illustration all the time: people are like tea bags; when things around them get hot and boiling, what is on the inside comes out. If we have that relationship with God, and we do not like what we see when it is hot and boiling, there should be a time of reflection on what changes could be made.

Second off, the flat tire changes our perspective; it becomes a reminder. It becomes a place when time, people, places changed, and we have a different perspective. There are many new perspectives that have come along in my life, but cancer was a big one for me. I saw myself as a teenager with a whole life in front of her, and in one week the flat tire changed my perspective to, “Wait a minute, what life?” There is not much life to be had when you wake up from surgery screaming in agony, not having a clue what is happening. When you hear your mom say to someone, “How am I supposed to tell her she has cancer?” When you realize you have an eighteen inch long incision on your stomach and an IV hanging out of your chest. When you see yellow and red liquid going into your body that the doctors say are supposed to get you back to being a teenager.

New perspective? You betcha. I may have not realized it for years to come, but that flat tire gave me a new look at a road I had been traveling on. I eventually became grateful for it, and the road ahead looked great. Jeremiah 29:13 says just that, “For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Psalm 119:105, “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.” So grateful for God’s road I am on!

Senoritis, Cars, and Five Seconds

4/9/19

Fall 1993

And then there was one! One more year of high school, and I was outta there! My senior year was memorable, exciting, and so much work.

My academic career up to this point had been a boatload of hard work; granted I hit a brick wall in eighth grade that could have sent me in a downward spiral. I had around 3 months of my eighth grade year where I was on chemotherapy, all of ninth grade, and around 2 months of tenth grade. The eighth grade teachers were gracious in my school work load; even though I finished every paper sent home, I missed that instruction time for about a month plus chemo days. There was a plan in ninth and tenth where we would leave school at the very last minute, miss a couple of classes and then the next day. Those afternoon classes suffered quite a bit my freshman year. But still the teachers were helpful and let me come after school for a refresher course if I had any questions.

The one thing that was a life saver for me was the fact I was unable to take the PE classes because of the broviac and the risk of having my chest hit by a ball. I was an aide for the office where I could work on school work after the office duties. Still there was a struggle with the missed instruction time in class. Especially Spanish! Hard work kept me at about a B average, and in 10th and 11th with more class time, more A’s appeared on my report card.

So the beloved senior year came around the corner with a lack of a “sluff off” “senioritis” type of entrance. I had a full load of classes including AP English, AP Calculus (for the second time), Geometry, and Girl’s Jazz Choir. I chose to take Calc again because a repeated class might result in a better grade which was a C my junior year. I was determined to work extra hard this year because there was only one chance to see an improvement in my grades and graduate with the best GPA I had seen on my report card up to this point. I was very much aware of a younger brother who spent substantially less hours working on homework and receiving substantially better grades every single time. What can I say, both our results came naturally, but I was determined to catch up. Last chance!

Along with senior year came my past medical history, so that was never far away from every day life. I walked into school in September with a gorgeous head of hair which was down to my shoulders, a repaired heart, and driver’s license. I was a July baby so I was literally the last person in my junior class to get a license; it was such a bummer. No really, big bummer. But I was now in the driving crowd and had the coolest car in the world, too. Well, since it was free from my parents, it was extremely cool. How many of us remember our first car? Um, most likely the majority of people we ask will remember. This car was a 1979 Chrysler New Yorker, 15 years old, and a classic. It had a leather interior, a trunk the size of a train car, and two full rows of seats. I quickly became the driver for off campus lunch!

A month after school started, I had my two-year follow-up visit in Salt Lake City. These visits were now enjoyable beyond words. I did not dread the road trip anymore. My mom and I went to this appointment and kind of planned to make it a day. Scan days are always a bit anxious, but we had only one scare in the past three and half years, and that was not even from my results, just an overheard conversation. That day, we had a CT scan, blood work, chest X-rays, and a cardiologist appointment. My heart looked really good, and, of course, I had not had any SVT episodes. My oncology results came back normal as well, and the doctor came in to have a discussion.

They were going to give me the “Cure” diagnosis. What does that mean? We had heard the word remission which means that the signs and symptoms of cancer are reduced, but does cure mean really cured? It means that there are no traces of cancer after treatment and that the cancer that type should never come back. Yes, it really means cured. I began with a cancerous tumor throughout my whole abdomen, three months later not a trace of any cancer cells, three and half years later… Mom and I were overjoyed. The doctor explained a few things to us about side effects of chemotherapy in the future. A very obvious side effect is infertility. Of the drugs given in my protocol, two were most likely to cause egg damage, and since a girl has all her eggs at birth, they can be highly effected by chemo. Ok, that was not really what I wanted to hear, but I accepted it, thinking in the back of my mind that I would be invincible from that just like I was when I was going through treatments. At 13, 14, and 15, cancer was just a nuisance, and I did not comprehend that what I had gone through was really life changing for me. Being older and hearing those words, put reality into perspective.

The doctors would like to see me each year as long as I was in the area to keep monitoring me and basically mark it down how I was doing with the side effects. We would continue those visits until we moved my senior year of college.

My mom and I were extremely excited for the diagnosis. Mom decided we would go get my senior pictures done while we were down there to celebrate this amazing news. We had spent so many, many seconds, that added up to minutes and cumulated into day’s worth of agony from hearing bad news. That can really get a person into a bad place emotionally. It can put someone into a thinking process that all hope is lost, that there is nothing worth pushing forward for. “You have cancer,” takes how long to say? Five seconds? And yet those five seconds mean more to some people in a lifetime than any other five seconds they will ever have. Changes our lives forever. So cliché, but it changes our lives forever. Other five seconds have words in them like: there was an accident… I have found someone else… it’s a boy… you may kiss your bride… Not all five seconds have a gut punch, but a rejoicing time, and they can change things for us dramatically.

Take five seconds today to say I love you or thanks for being there for me or have a great day. It may not be that one life changing five seconds that person will encounter in their years here on earth, but it may be added up with other five seconds that help them when they do. When faced with trials, a person needs hope. A God I know gives that hope. I had Him during my trial, and He is still holding me in His hand today. He gave me strength, power, and hope even though He knew about the cancer before I did. I want to live a life that remembers that often; I know I will not remember it every five seconds, but I pray that it will be often.

James 4:14 “Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? it is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.”

MY God healed MY body and gave me MY life back. It is MY duty to live it for Him, because I do not know about tomorrow.

Time To Clean Things Up A Bit

CleaningServices

3/25/19

Summer 1993

On my cancer journey, we had many ups and downs; one being a heart problem I began having when I was small. I remember playing one day when I was super little, and all of a sudden my chest hurt. I went to my mom and told her, and she felt my chest and said my heart was beating really fast. We rushed to the doctor.

I have always been on the lower end of the growth chart, and I was pretty small when I was little. Back in the day when I started walking, my mom bought a baby doll that had hard soled shoes so I would have shoes to wear. When my heart started racing like that, my chest moved with the beats. At three, it was very unnerving, and when we arrived at the doctor’s office, they moved very quickly to get me stabilized.

My rapid heartbeat was called SVT or Supraventricular Tachycardia. In my terminology, the heart would get triggered and beat right around 300 times a minute. The doctors and nurses had me do many different things. We began with coughing, and then pretend like I was having a bowel movement, because the “bearing down” maneuver stops or slows the rapid heartbeat. When that did not work, they had an ice bucket, and they told me to put my face in it because the heart will slow down when someone is submerged in cold water. The last thing, if the previous actions do not slow the heart down, is a fast-acting medication that blocks the electrical impulses causing the heart to race. All of these treatments are done very quickly, because a body cannot sustain a rapid heartbeat for very long before there are major problems, like cardiac arrest. We were told we had a fifteen-minute window to get it under control.

For some reason, I remember having the medicine that first time we went in because the other treatments were not working. My memory may be wrong, because this was the beginning of dozens of episodes that I dealt with in my childhood and teen years. I would say 95% of them were treated by me. The first few we went into the doctor, and then I got to the point where as soon as it occurred I would cough, bare down, jump up and down, and then my personal go-to treatment was a cartwheel. Yep, that is right! All of those actions were done fairly quickly, but if I was playing with my brother, and the SVT set in, I did those actions in that order. I would mention to him that my heart was racing, and then off to the races-cough, bare down a few times, jump up and down, cartwheel. It worked almost every time, and then a few breaths and back to climbing trees.

Almost forty years have passed since my first episode, so these were the only treatments. As we entered the cancer world, I had just turned 13 and was still working through my same SVT treatments, with no new medical treatments out there. I would be hanging out with friends, playing volleyball, or even jumping on a trampoline, and there goes Rachelle doing a cartwheel. Absolutely random! But it had become my life, and that is just what I did. Cancer changed this self-treatment and “turned it upside down on its head.” Once I began chemotherapy, I had absolutely no control over stopping the rapid beats. We rushed to the hospital multiple times to receive the last resort treatment; the medicine that stopped the heart and then the heart would go back to a normal rhythm. The cancer surgery was severe, with an incision all the way down my stomach, and the chemotherapy blocked a healthy healing process. The final treatment for my irregular heartbeat was open heart surgery to repair that defected electric pathway that causes the signal to go in a circle instead of straight. Open heart surgery was absolutely not an option for me on chemotherapy, but it was the only option right then. At one of the heart episodes, my mom had begged the doctors not to do surgery; there was no way I would survive it.

I mentioned in a previous post, that we were at a chemotherapy treatment, when I lost it. I was done with the heart problem, I was done with the chemotherapy, and I was done with all of it. After my blood work that day, the doctors said counts were good, and we were going ahead with the chemo. I said I did not care if I died, tried to leave, and my mom stopped me. After we calmed down, we headed to the cardiologist appointment that was scheduled for that day. He came in, and we talked about the next step. What would we do now? He said there had been new medical treatments for SVT. One was a catheter ablation that goes into the groin and neck and burns the defected electrical pathway. The other treatment was a pill that was proven to lessen the amount of episodes of rapid heartbeats. We were very much ready to try the medicine, and if that did not work, the doctor would do the ablation. The medicine proved to be a life-saver, for real.

The medicine did its job and lasted through chemotherapy treatments and for the next couple of years. I stayed fairly healthy through the summer and 11th grade and kept up with my schoolwork and softball. It was determined at an appointment in my junior year, we would do the catheter ablation to correct the defect. This was in the early 90’s, and when you read about SVT treatments these were the medical advancements in this disease that were being introduced. I just happen to be going through what I was going through at the same time. The ablation was extremely new, so there were no long-term results to go off of, but we had been through so many years of this disease that we felt positive this was the direction to go.

Right after my seventeenth birthday, we went into the hospital again to have the ablation. I would be admitted for a week so they could monitor the heart and its response to the minute change in structure. I was pretty apprehensive because the last time I went into surgery, wow, did I wake up different. This time I actually was not put under but sedated. Now, that was crazy, because they “burned” the irregular pathway, and I remember clearly the sensation; I woke up slightly at that moment. A week later, I was good as new and 25 years later, my heart is still strong. Now, I have a normal heart with a skipped beat now and then, which sometimes makes me anxious because that was usually the same sensation that sent me into SVT.

I am so grateful for the Lord’s timing, direction, and leading my parents to make the decisions they felt were right for me and the problems that came my way. My parents asked for the doctors to wait on the open-heart surgery because there was no real deadly threat, and I would struggle with survival from another surgery. The Lord brought medicines in our world when I was at the bottom. And He gave us a non-invasive ablation that has proven to work for quite a few years now. What an awesome God! At this point in my cancer journey, decisions were still being made to further a healthy life. We were “cleaning up” some of the things that were put on hold for so many years.

God asks us to do the same in our spiritual lives. He directs us and leads us in the paths we should go, but we need to stay close to Him to see those paths. As Christians, each and every day we must confess our sins, the bad things that we do. We are human, we are sinners saved by grace, but our sin keeps us from God’s leading. I John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” This is so important, so needed, and so much required to see our path clearly.

Health, Not to be Taken for Granted

3/12/19

Today is the 29th anniversary of when my cancer journey began. I went to the first doctor’s appointment on this day, and that doctor had a small part in saving my life…

“Don’t take that for granted.” Health is a gift we are given each and every morning we wake up, and each and every minute of every day of every week of each year. To take something for granted means to underestimate the value or expect it to always be available. When our health is compromised, boy, it sure makes us look at its value. How often do we think about the chance that it may be our last minute on this earth? I do not mean to live in a place of fear that we may die, but live in a place of realization we have to make each minute count. I think about it often. About once a week, I wake up with the prayer of thanksgiving to God for the breath I have for another day.

Very unplanned, but it just so happens that today I am getting ready to head to a doctor’s appointment for a physical. For the most part since cancer, the effects of chemotherapy have not raised their ugly head. Chemotherapy is very hard on a body; most people understand the physical effects. The long term effects have made their way into my life in recent years, and even hitting the forty year old mark has added to my demise. I have heard people say once they hit forty they had all these new health problems. I say to myself that age was really what I am dealing with, but I have had confirmation from a doctor or two that we are dealing with chemotherapy effects. Well, if I got almost 30 years of a healthy life, I feel pretty good about it. Now along the way to this point, my husband and I dealt with the emotions of infertility, and that is another story I will share.

Skiing down the mountains in Colorado on a green run with my son a few years back, turned into a torn ACL and a silly trip on the medic sled. I had made a hard stop because he had fallen and down I went. Within a few weeks, a trip to the doctor in the nearby town and one at home, a replaced ACL, and crutches for a week because the doctor did not want any weight on it. No weight is not the typical pre-op instruction, but he had some concerns. At my follow-up the doctor explained that once he was in surgery, he had seen what he thought was AVN or a blood loss in certain spots of the bone that he attached the new ACL to, so I would need to be on crutches for eight weeks. Good as gold in the seven years following and a return to the slopes; although my skiing is not as crazy or hard core. Within the last year, I have had pain and the doctor said the AVN is progressing and laid out options. He confirmed AVN would be an effect of chemo.

This is one of a few things that I have dealt with in the last year. Not all have been associated with treatment, but it has become real to me that I may be dealing with a whole new way of looking at health now. I do not want to take for granted what health I have been given as something may be taken from me in the near future. The use of my knee is very much still there, it is just painful to do certain things. In addition, my sight has been compromised, lately, and health became even more important to me than in the past. I am very interested in laying all these things out on the table today at my physical, and hear his thoughts. Once a person has cancer they just need the confirmation each year that they are doing ok. They just cannot go each year without blood work or a physical to let them know everything is good. I moved away from all of my oncologists and the hospital that treated me, so finding someone to take you on is a little uneasy.

You see, about ten years ago I walked into this doctor’s office ready to meet a doctor that could keep track of me. I had told my OB/GYN that I really should find a doctor because of my history, unbeknownst to me she was married to an adult medicine doctor. She told me about him, and my husband and I set up an appointment. The doctor was pretty excited to see me because as he put it, his “group of doctors specialize in adults with childhood cancers.” What a God-send! We have had complete work-ups, and I have come out in really good health. Praise the Lord.

Living life makes it easy to take health for granted because living life involves so much. Home life, family, work, church, sports; all of these things keep us so busy that losing our life the next minute is further from our thoughts. But I think that is ok, because I believe that God put me and each person on this earth for a purpose; to live a life for Him. When we go throughout our day, it should be our thought to give God the glory for each breath, for each healthy part of our body, and for each unhealthy. The use of arms, fingers, knees, backs, are all gifts from God. I really do thank Him for the fingers I have to type this blog article, my sight to see the words on the screen, and my back to be able to sit up. Call me crazy, but I want to encourage us to think about all the little things to be thankful.

I had a journal last year that I started writing a 1000 things to be thankful for. I really must go back to that this year and keep going because I never did finish, even though at one sitting I could write down 50. A couple of the things I wrote I was thankful for were the drips in the faucet which reminded me that we have running water, and the piano practice with the beautiful and not so beautiful notes. The little things add up and remind us how wonderful it is to be alive and have the health we have. Please remember those little things and live a life for God today. It may change tomorrow.

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