Category: Bravery

Getting Off The Hamster Wheel

November 2023

Our lives are so fragile, yet when we live them on what some people call the hamster wheel, that fragility is not even noticed. The wheel turns. Since my last post, Christmas, trips, moves, more trips, fireworks, and school ending and beginning. How can that much time go by so quickly? When I first got married, an older lady in our church said that once you have children the time seems to speed up. I guess the developmental stages that children go through make time move forward more quickly than when we are just living a life for ourselves or newly married? I can see how that might be. But I wonder if time really is just moving forward differently because the hamster wheel has added responsibilities and added activities, and it is hard to stop time or slow down when that happens. Along with the added children are everything as parents we add to the wheel, as well.

Then…

Have we ever been driving, and up ahead we see a sequence of traffic lights, like maybe the ones that are getting us ready to meet up with an interstate or highway? There always seems to be at least one on our side of the interstate to help those turning left onto the on ramp and coming off the interstate, and then one after we pass under the overpass for us to turn left onto the on ramp going the opposite direction and help those coming off. These lights are much needed with a busy traffic interchange. As we approach, many times the lights tend to blend together. We see the one right in front of us, and also, we see the one ahead. Maybe it is just me, but a couple of times I have looked too far ahead and miss the one right in front of me change to red, and hitting those brakes comes out of nowhere; a sudden stop that throws everyone in the vehicle in a “woah” moment. Like coming off the hamster wheel. Moving forward looking ahead, maybe far ahead, then stopped.

A sudden stop; each are different. Yours is, or will be, different than mine. Listen, I am not a doomsday person, and I do not want to say that we should live our lives under the fact that we had that stop or will have that stop. But, a hamster wheel stop can be life changing and life altering, yet has the potential for us to live life afterward. I am a pure example of this. One day I was a go-get them, bossy, active thirteen-year-old and the next day, I was a cancer patient. And not just a cancer patient. I was physically sick, hurting, and dying; mentally, I was angry, unnerved, and discouraged. Plus, add any and all other physical and mental attributes of this situation. Life as we all knew it suddenly stopped, and a new life suddenly started.

Although most of us do not see day in and day out as fragile; they really are. They are the most important gifts we are given. I do not care that the hamster wheel is turning, we must be able to slow that down. Once we hit the sudden stop, like when the light turns red, then nothing is in our control. So, what next.

Let us put into place the hamster wheel slow down plan.

  1. Realization: We may say that has already been done, but the next step is insurmountable. You know, like when you are hiking that trail that takes you up the switchbacks. There are always those steps that are like two-in-one and to us short-legged people, those type of step ups, puts me in a place of unbelief that anyone would actually make steps so tall. I have done my fair share of stopping and looking up to see the steps and switchbacks as overwhelming. So, we go to the next step.
  2. Evaluation: Getting past the realization step is the one step that many times never is seen in the rear-view mirror. Many times, we won’t go past it. Hamster wheel stays turning. But if we can slow it down slightly and start on evaluating, the situation comes into focus. The giant two-steppers show up as doable, maybe at least until the next switchback. Each person and their evaluation looks different. A few years ago, mine looked like anxiety, crazy wife and mom, and I saw myself in total disarray. I was living in constant back pain, constant stress which in turn I put on myself severe anxiety. Yes, I put it on myself. We have a choice here on how the stress and anxiety affects us. My evaluation was that I could not change the circumstances.
  3. Slow down: I needed to slow the hamster wheel ever so slightly. I found ways to self-care and combat the bodily aches and pains, then remove a couple of things off the wheel, and then in turn a happier wife, mother, daughter, and friend.
  4. Move forward: a tad slower and the steps may still be just as tall but the next switchback is closer to the top, the goal. Within the evaluation, move forward with the changes. We cannot stop with evaluation; take a step. I saw changes in my health that were desperately needed; physically and mentally.
  5. Evaluate: Is this working? Are there a couple more tweaks needed? We must not think that our life has to stay where we find ourselves. God’s Word gives us insight.

Colossians 1:9-10 ” For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and understanding; That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God.”

How many “change” verbs do we see? Filled, Walk, Being fruitful, Increasing. All moving forward ideas.

Matthew 5:6 “Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.”

II Peter 1:5-8 “And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

The last verse is fantastic about not staying in one spot, but it is also so overwhelming because the list is so long. Well, start with ONE of these things. Evaluate where we are and implement a change in kindness or patience. We cannot expect anything in our lives to be different if we don’t do something about it, and God tells us to change the things that are not in line with His word. It is a doable task, or He would not be saying it. Time to slow the hamster wheel before it hits a complete stop.

The Weather Outside…

February 2022

It has been a while since I was able to sit down and share. But I hope to get into more of a routine with my time and the ability to continue writing. Today, has allowed me some time because of the weather. I choose to stay indoors when we have bad weather if at all possible. The weather where we live has a saying, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a few minutes, and it will change.” Two days ago, I took off my staple outfit accessory, a cardigan, because I was so hot driving around running errands in seventy-degree weather. Today, we have had a record sleetpocalypus, where there is easily an inch or two of sleet on the ground, and it is thirteen degrees at noon. Next week’s weather forecast? You guessed it, back up in the seventies. This has happened multiple times this winter, not quite as hot but just as unpredictable.

I guess that is life, right? In past blog articles, I have mentioned how a five second phrase can change the course of your life or how our lives are like roller coasters in the twist and turns they make. Our current world roller coaster has taken many of us on a journey we would have never imagined. Locked up in our homes for weeks without interactions with our families and friends other than on a screen. Many of our dearest friends have lost loved ones or almost lost them. Actually, family and friends have lost loved ones just because of a difference in opinion. Tragic.

Wait a few minutes, because the weather outside… so is that fear or flexibility. There would be many that would say it is fear and others that fly by the seat of their pants. I envy the latter person because I try, but I still seem to lose it once in a while as I try to be flexible. A Godly fear is pertinent to our life as a Christian. Ecclesiastes 12:13 says, “Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.” Job 28:28 says, “And unto man he said, Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom; and to depart from evil is understanding.” So there is fear AND flexibility. They do run together, but when they become separated, then we see problems.

Fear can allow us to improve our surroundings and on the other side take us to places we have a hard time removing ourselves from. As a cancer survivor, I have made a choice to live a full life outside of the fear of reoccurrence. But then those times kind of just crop up. A couple of past articles have touched on two or three “cancer scares.” I really do not like to go to the doctor, maybe because of that one time that I went ended up being the worst moment in my life. I also do not like to take medicine and vitamins, and for years did not. Maybe because, well, you know. But living in fear that the next doctor’s appointment might be the same as that moment years ago, puts a limit on what I kind of need to accomplish in my life. Two years ago, I had struggled with a call to the doctor that was necessary. This was a struggle because of this pain in my side, and I did not want to know if it was bad. If you google diagnose, it tells you that you are dead tomorrow. Stay away from those diagnoses. There is a lot of great information, but when you have survived cancer, that word pops up every time I want information, and it is unnerving. So, a quick exam and CT scan gave both myself and my doctor relief as it was something else and was treated quickly.

The fear that stops us in our tracks is mentioned many times in God’s word. Isaiah 41:10 says, “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of righteousness.” POWERFUL! Philippians 4:6,7 says, “Be careful for (fear) nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Did you see all those big words? In everything do not fear, pray, ask fervently, be thankful, request. In one verse, it tells us the solution to the wrong fear! When we change the way we look at fear, we make it a Godly fear. Again, POWERFUL!

God gave me purpose when He said cancer. He showed me that fear and flexibility can be used for good for myself, for the good of others, and for the furtherance of the gospel. He showed me that the weather outside, although it may be seventy and warm, may tomorrow be thirteen with bad roads. Those roads, not by choice, get me back to where I can enjoy taking the cardigan off when it is warm. Godly fear and flexibility working together.

Hurry Up And Wait

5/10/21

I was recently reminded of the phrase, “Hurry Up and Wait.” It seemed like anytime we were headed to a doctor’s appointment or chemo, we were pressed for time. Many of us have been sitting in a doctor’s office whether in a waiting room or inside the exam room, wondering when in the world will we get to go back or see the doctor.

Not only does this happen to a cancer patient, but ten fold because the first appointment usually turns into five appointments which turns into, well in my case thirty-six chemotherapy treatments and twelve cardiology appointments in eighteen months. If the average doctor appointment takes two hours including drive time, ours was a four hour drive time there and back plus a two hour or four hour chemo drip, squeezing in the cardio doc appointment. I always tried to get in at least three or four classes at school, asking mom to schedule the last available appointment, because of course, I would be missing the next day. The twenty-four hours of dry heaving made that day impossible. Thursdays were good days because I had the weekend to recuperate even more, but so many fun things were on Friday nights. Pick and choose what was important on the medical side of things should not be a part of my Freshman and Sophomore years, but it came with the territory. Hurry up and wait was made easier because these oncology nurses had it down pat. They knew they had multiple children to see, multiple IVs to get going, and they worked really hard to keep you moving. Through the waiting room and exam rooms, into the sterile spinal tap room (horrible experience!) and get hooked up quickly to the IV pole. Thanking God for those special people.

In life, how does this phrase apply? When I was little, I remember wanting to be big like my special friend who was in middle school and who sang at a competition at camp. We have a picture together after her and her middle school friend sang. They sounded so great, and I wanted to be just like her, but be like her right then. My dad was a pastor, and I enjoyed going to church camp every year from toddler years on; definitely a perk. But I always wanted to participate like the teenagers. Then I got my chance. My very first year of teen camp, and I was a top dog! My year to shine, a big wig, oh, and the next year I was actually wearing one, go figure! And talk about big, my mom let me get the biggest, curliest wig you have ever seen, because come on, this was the early 90’s! Back to the first year of teen camp; I hurried up and now I was a teen. Then getting into high school was the next thing to look forward to. Cancer changed much about this hurry up time because I had a totally new focus to get to my Freshman year in survival mode. Then I made it, cancer treatments still ongoing, but at least I was there. Hurry up and finish chemo, then hurry up and come quickly driver’s license! Then graduation, then college, then waiting to find my husband, graduation again, then marriage, and the list just goes on.

Hurry up and wait. Why? Because we want to move life along, but what are we doing with the life that is right in front of us? How important would it be for us if we decided to take our life and the hurriedness, and contemplated every day on what should slow down? Being hurried takes so many things from us.

  1. Takes our time away from God because we have not allowed time to sit and dwell on God’s Word and talk to God
  2. Takes our mental health away from us because we have not allowed time to sit and use our mental capacity to read and dwell on God’s Word and talk to God
  3. Suppresses the Holy Spirit and the guidance that He provides because we have not allowed time to sit and feed our spirit through God’s Word and talking to God
  4. Takes our time away from what God has asked of us as Christian, be a light, be kind, and tell them about Jesus because we are flying past them to get to the next thing on our agenda

It all boils down to what? That one on one with God, every single day we have breath. I realize I probably am a much different person than most, but maybe you can relate. I have a huge amount of things on my list to get done in a day or week, but I am that one that crosses off each item on the list to the expense of others; maybe their feelings or the time together to develop our relationship. Within the last few years, this has been apparent to me, and God and I have had many a conversations about this very thing. I have made a couple of steps forward personally in this area but so many steps still to go; hopefully, I keep stepping forward.

The fable of the tortoise and the hare comes to mind, as they start off on their race against each other. The hare knows its ability and starts off quickly, then decides it needs a rest. The tortoise passes the hare and wins the race. Slow and steady wins the race. Taking time to ponder each step along the way allows us to stay committed to the task at hand, shows others that they are important to us, and keeps us focused on the end result. We are not racing against each other. Society has termed living life a certain way “a rat race;” a rat in a wheel that keeps running and running like the hare, never focusing on the important things of life. But we are not running in a rat race! We are running God’s race and that race includes:

  1. Our relationship with God

Hebrews 12:1, 2 “Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

2. Our relationship with Others

Galatians 6:2, 10 “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ… As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.”

3. Our relationship with Time

Ecclesiastes 9:11 “I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither is there bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to the men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.”

What does hurry up and wait mean to us? Is it worth it sometimes? I believe it is for that moment as long as the other moments are about God, Others, and the Time God has given us on this earth to stay out of the “rat race.”

Prayer Is For Me

11/3/2020

What is Prayer? A solemn request for help or expression of thanks expressed to God or an object of worship. The words pray or prayer are mentioned around 500 times in the Bible. There are other words mentioned many more times than the word prayer, but prayer is an intimate word that is associated with our relationship with the Creator. When a relationship is considered important to us, we do what we can to spend time with that person and share our thoughts and feelings. We get feedback on ideas or questions we may have and enjoy making memories. We value certain relationships, and yet many times when it comes to our forever relationship with God, why do we not develop it as we do the others? Well, we might say, because He is God, and there would be certain aspects of an earthly relationship we would not focus on. True, I understand that, but what about the rest?

Why exactly do we pray? God tells us to pray, He wants us to pray, and we need to pray. Prayer is not for God, but prayer is for us. It is given to us by God as an avenue of communication to Him just as the Bible is given to us as His avenue of communication to us. God’s Word tell us in Psalm 50:15 “And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me.” Matthew 6:9-13 labeled as the “Lord’s Prayer” is given as an example of how to pray. Matthew 21:22 says, “And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.” Our prayers are our source of strength that allows us to believe there will be an answer because of who we are speaking to. Prayers are foremost for our salvation from sin and for our confession of sins once we are saved.

We could lay out many more verses of prayer, and I believe as Christians we know we should have an improved prayer life. We realize that we must pray, but do we realize how important it is for us? God does not need us to pray because He needs help, but it is the means God has for things to happen. It helps Christians show His love to others, and allows paths to be open up for God to work. It is always available, and nothing, except for unconfessed sin, can hinder our prayers to God. It humbles us, especially when we see answers to those prayers we so fervently lifted to Heaven receive an answer. Honestly, sometimes we are surprised when they are answered. I never get used to a prayer asked with full belief and answered amazingly. Lastly, we get to experience God through prayer, it brings us close to Him, and we see evil conquered.

Prayer is a cancer patient’s lifeline. How many needles have I received? Hundreds. How many side effects have I experienced? Not done counting. How many pains have I endured where I cried out to take them away? How many scans have I so anxiously lifted up to God sitting in the waiting room with kids of all ages doing the same or at least their parents? Each and every time a scan came back clear, the sigh of relief was heard around the world and the small tears welling up in my mom’s eyes were wiped away. Another hurdle jumped and cleared. But the next time will that hurdle stop us in our tracks or do we clear it by centimeters?

One of my closest friends recently got stopped by a cancer hurdle, stupid disease. She was diagnosed and is awaiting surgery, with complicated tests results mixed into the longest waiting period one has to endure. The biopsies, the test results, pre-op appointments, and the surgery scheduled dates are enough to put someone in a tailspin. What does one say to someone going through it? From experience, unless asked, stories are unnecessary. They need us to say we are praying and mean it, they need us to say we are there for them, and we can help them in any way. Just to hear someone cares and is praying takes the feeling of cancer aloneness away. It allows a cancer patient to feel like the weight of the disease on their shoulders is being held up by others like Moses was assisted at the battle against the Amalekites. It gives a feeling of power to conquer and strength to move forward. Knowing someone is thinking of us makes the results of biopsies and anxiety of surgery that much more bearable.

There is nothing better than prayer. It has changed the course of a sea’s direction, battles fought, walls standing, an infertile womb, lion’s mouths, a day’s time, a centurion’s heart, prison bars opened, and nations turned to God. All of these stories in God’s Word could be our stories, and they sound like our stories. For me, prayer changed death to life, hell bound to heaven bound, infertility to mothering, with thousands more answered prayers. We must not take prayer lightly, and we must pray today. WE can change everything.

Brave in the Face of Fear

bridge 1

7/30/2020

Fall 2001

How many times in our lifetime have we heard, “Be brave, you can do this?” As a little girl and as a parent the words, “Jump, I will catch you,” were said many times. To be brave is to take everything inside of us, since we have no control over it, and look out at the situation at hand and … step? jump? speak? breathe? Brave means many different things, but it will always mean to show no fear when faced with danger or difficulty. But “show no fear?” If we show fear, are we brave?

When cancer goes from being a word someone else heard in their doctor’s office, to a word that WE hear laying in a hospital bed from the lips of our doctor, FEAR. When the vehicle we are driving in veers off the road or is hit by another vehicle, FEAR. When we are up all night with a child who is sick with a fever or cannot breathe because of an infection, FEAR. In all of these and any other fearful situations, is it ok that we show fear even though we should be brave? You bet; we are brave even when we do not show bravery at certain times in our lives because of circumstances like these.

As God had finally given me my future spouse, a couple more fears resurfaced which had been pushed to the back of my mind and heart from my cancer days. Finally, I would be discussing with the man of my dreams that my past would be affecting our future. One of the final discussions with my oncologist was the fact, that a medically known fact about the cancer drugs that were administered through that tiny tube sticking out of the middle of my chest for eighteen long and grueling months, caused infertility. Because cancer destroyed one of my ovaries, and it had to be removed in the initial surgery, along with that medical fact about the drugs, bummer, having children was not looking too promising. And now all that information had been in the back of my mind for that last eight or so years, and it was time to share this with the man who decided I was the one for him. I was in utmost nervousness. Another side effect!

The discussion went like this. Oh, wait. I never had to bring it up. One evening as we were about to spend some time in chit chat, he quickly said something like this, “I know that you had cancer, and many of the drugs, from what I understand, can cause infertility. There are plenty of children out there to adopt.” What in the world is wrong with this guy?! He basically just summed up my mind’s recorded conversation with the man of my dreams in just two sentences?! Well, that was easy! And that fear and the burden which I did not realize I was carrying, just melted away with the biggest sigh of relief; outside of my SALVATION and the words, “You are officially considered cured.” And at that moment I knew God had brought my future spouse into my life to love me just the way I was, infertile and all!

The fear of a person not accepting me was really not noticeable, but it was there. I was brave and had been brave during my difficult cancer treatments. I had been brave to share with this man my fear of infertility. If I had stayed away from that discussion, even though I did not initiate it, I would have been in denial, and Satan can thrive in denial. To be brave in any circumstance shows others that there is Someone helping us conquer those fears, insecurities, expectations. God was there through my cancer trial, in fact, God Said Cancer, and He would be there through every single, unpleasant side effect that came my way; which by the way, He knew they would. I can live in fear, but bravery is so much more pleasant. That is hard to remember on a day to day basis, though.

I tend to be a scaredy cat about the silliest little things. Heights are one of them. Put me on a roller coaster, and they really do not bother me. I tend to stay away from them though because, side effect alert, bad back in need of surgery. But before my back and neck problems, I truly enjoyed them. But I cannot stand heights. A few years back my husband and I went on a short trip with friends. One of the excursions was walking out on a concrete bridge spanning a deep gorge. Mind you, we had just drove over the bridge and at the time cars were coming over the bridge as we made our trek across. I could not even get 25 feet onto the bridge before my fear kicked in, and I about had a fit right there in front of all of the other trekkers. I immediately turned around and watched as the rest of group kept going. They have great “couple” pictures in the middle of the bridge, and there is my husband all by his lonesome. Cool picture, though!

Bravery was not in my vocabulary that day. I showed 110% fear in the face of danger and difficulty, and why was I ok with that? My own decision not to cross. My own decision not to trust. I have a fear of heights, and I let Satan talk me into trusting myself instead of trusting something that was undoubtedly trustworthy; that bridge, which I might add, has not fallen and most likely will not fall. God is trustworthy and if I had looked past the bridge part of it and just trusted in God, I could have made it out there with them.

Going through cancer treatments brought moments of bravery, and I pushed through much fewer moments of fear or I would not be here today. A person must see that they are going to come out of it on the other side or the fear is intoxicating. It takes a person’s ability to take the next breath, to see an end in sight, to live; if we only live in fear of what is before us. Granted, I am not or have not gone through many, many things that others have gone through, so I cannot know how each individual situation makes a person feel or fear, but let me tell you, I know fear and I have been through some extremely hard times. I came out on the other side of those times trusting in a God who is the Great Physician, Jehovah Rapha; God who is There, Jehovah Shammah; God who will Provide, Jehovah Jireh; God of Peace, Jehovah Shalom. Trust in Him! He is there always, we have to take our fears and place them at His feet; ask to be brave with the situation before us, and JUMP!

Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” We can! It may be a struggle, and we may still cower in the face of danger, which is perfectly ok, but we can do it. I was raised in a family of singers. We spent many a service in the sanctuary of our little church, raising our voices to God for His goodness. Shortly after my diagnosis, my mom found this song and encouraged me to sing it. I think it was helpful for me to see that I was denying being sick most of the time, and needed to see that in reality, I can be brave and should be brave, but I was still human.

Warrior Is a Child by Gary Valenciano, Sung by Twila Paris

Verse 1: Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right,

But even winners can get wounded in the fight,

People say that I’m amazing, I’m strong beyond my years,

But they don’t see inside of me, I’m hiding all the tears.

Verse 2: Unafraid because his armor is the best,

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest,

People say that I’m amazing, I never face retreat,

But they don’t see the enemies, that lay me at his feet.

Chorus: They don’t know that I come running home when I fall down,

They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around,

I drop my sword and cry for just a while,

‘Cause deep inside this amor, The Warrior is a Child.