Author: godsaidcancer

I am a married mother of two boys. I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma almost 30 years ago and decided that now was the time to write the story.

Christmas Time Is Here Again

December 2024

I Love Christmas time. I actually love Thanksgiving more because I do not feel as overwhelmed. There is cleaning the house and putting together the most scrumptious lunch and goodies. Where with Christmas, it is scheduling a picture taking session, then ordering the cards with all intentions of a clear photo and changing the name on the card to your name. Then after that stressful project, making sure presents are bought for family and friends, getting them wrapped, going to parties and choir cantatas, and then cleaning the house. Sometimes we head to a family member’s home in another state which involves tying up an extreme number of loose ends just to leave, on top of the regular Christmas events.

It is beyond important to take a look at the list of items to do, the list of projects done, and the list of chores and then turn on the Christmas music and dwell on the reason for the season. Have we thought about that part yet? Well, the reason for the hustle and bustle is going to be here shortly and the dwelling on the spirit of Christmas should not be left until then. In fact, it should be in every aspect of our daily lives year round. Why are we shopping endlessly for the right present for the right person? Why are we going to the event? Why celebrate? Because it is Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. As Christians, it is the only reason we should do these things. He is who we are celebrating; He is who we are honoring with our gifts to others, the message that is sung, and our connections at the parties. He has given us these opportunities.

Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Creator of all, was sent to earth as a baby. Christmas is the celebration of His birth. But the story is the most important. Why did He come? God created man in His image and to be ruler of His creation, but man sinned against God by being deceived of the devil. Sin entered into the world, so God sent His Son to take the sin of the world on Him by dying on the cross. Jesus is that bridge from this sinful world to God. Through belief that we are sinners, that Jesus died for those sins, and accepting those things and asking Him to be our Savior and bridge to God, we can spend eternity with God upon our death. The recognition of these truth from the Bible makes Christmas a part of the celebration of Christianity that should be so very meaningful. Let us make it meaningful this year.

One of the ways we can make it meaningful is to see the events in a different light. Did they come around as only a gathering time of food and fellowship? Maybe. But if we look at what the Bible says about when Jesus was born, others gathered together to celebrate His birth. Luke 2:1-19, gives the Christmas story that every choir cantata and musical at Christmastime repeats. Jesus was born and the angels came to the shepherds to tell them.

Luke 2:8-12 say, “And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shown round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.” The shepherds went looking for Jesus and found Him and His family in a stable. That gathering together to worship and celebrate the Saviour of the world, Extraordinary! Can you imagine that type of concert from the angels and the gathering in the stable? Lowly and meek, God-honoring and worshipful.

Along with the gatherings, I love giving gifts and making it the right gift. If we read in Matthew 2, wise men came from the east looking for the King of the Jews, following the star. They presented him with gifts which were very expensive gifts and an act of their worship. These gifts are an example of our gifts to God. Our lives and dedication to telling others about Jesus should be our main gift to Him. He asks us at the end of the Gospel of Matthew to tell everyone about Him and His gift of Jesus whom He sent to us. Jesus is that ultimate gift we can give to others, and especially this time of year when the emphasis of Christmas is all around us. How are we going to do that this year? Are we willing to share Jesus with those we come in contact within the next week. Grocery stores, gas stations, restaurants; we may be the only Christian someone has ever met or will meet this year. This gift of Jesus to someone without Jesus will change their lives forever.

Each year, we spend time as a family concentrating on giving God a new gift for the new year. I have tried to give Him more of my time, my thoughts, my service. And at the end of the year, I reflect on how that went for me. I have seen some amazing things happen with those gifts. I can honestly say God has taken care of me, will take care of me, and everything that is done in my life is for a reason, and I try, try, try to remember that constantly. The last few months have been evidenced again of how much He has taken care of every need. God has worked in some pretty amazing ways, and there are more to come. I have spent this year in quite a bit of physical pain, and yet, I feel healthy and strong. If the pain, were to go away would I be able to see God in my life less? Maybe so. But of course, I would rather not hurt. That gift of no pain might actually make me complacent in my daily life, sitting back and not focusing on those that are in some real debilitating pain. At least I can get out of bed every day and do my tasks. Many others may not.

Gifts and gatherings and family are Christmas, but Jesus needs to be Christmas. Today, let us look at this day as the one God has made for us and give Him our time, thoughts, and us. Celebrate Jesus as Christmas time is here again.

Getting Off The Hamster Wheel

November 2023

Our lives are so fragile, yet when we live them on what some people call the hamster wheel, that fragility is not even noticed. The wheel turns. Since my last post, Christmas, trips, moves, more trips, fireworks, and school ending and beginning. How can that much time go by so quickly? When I first got married, an older lady in our church said that once you have children the time seems to speed up. I guess the developmental stages that children go through make time move forward more quickly than when we are just living a life for ourselves or newly married? I can see how that might be. But I wonder if time really is just moving forward differently because the hamster wheel has added responsibilities and added activities, and it is hard to stop time or slow down when that happens. Along with the added children are everything as parents we add to the wheel, as well.

Then…

Have we ever been driving, and up ahead we see a sequence of traffic lights, like maybe the ones that are getting us ready to meet up with an interstate or highway? There always seems to be at least one on our side of the interstate to help those turning left onto the on ramp and coming off the interstate, and then one after we pass under the overpass for us to turn left onto the on ramp going the opposite direction and help those coming off. These lights are much needed with a busy traffic interchange. As we approach, many times the lights tend to blend together. We see the one right in front of us, and also, we see the one ahead. Maybe it is just me, but a couple of times I have looked too far ahead and miss the one right in front of me change to red, and hitting those brakes comes out of nowhere; a sudden stop that throws everyone in the vehicle in a “woah” moment. Like coming off the hamster wheel. Moving forward looking ahead, maybe far ahead, then stopped.

A sudden stop; each are different. Yours is, or will be, different than mine. Listen, I am not a doomsday person, and I do not want to say that we should live our lives under the fact that we had that stop or will have that stop. But, a hamster wheel stop can be life changing and life altering, yet has the potential for us to live life afterward. I am a pure example of this. One day I was a go-get them, bossy, active thirteen-year-old and the next day, I was a cancer patient. And not just a cancer patient. I was physically sick, hurting, and dying; mentally, I was angry, unnerved, and discouraged. Plus, add any and all other physical and mental attributes of this situation. Life as we all knew it suddenly stopped, and a new life suddenly started.

Although most of us do not see day in and day out as fragile; they really are. They are the most important gifts we are given. I do not care that the hamster wheel is turning, we must be able to slow that down. Once we hit the sudden stop, like when the light turns red, then nothing is in our control. So, what next.

Let us put into place the hamster wheel slow down plan.

  1. Realization: We may say that has already been done, but the next step is insurmountable. You know, like when you are hiking that trail that takes you up the switchbacks. There are always those steps that are like two-in-one and to us short-legged people, those type of step ups, puts me in a place of unbelief that anyone would actually make steps so tall. I have done my fair share of stopping and looking up to see the steps and switchbacks as overwhelming. So, we go to the next step.
  2. Evaluation: Getting past the realization step is the one step that many times never is seen in the rear-view mirror. Many times, we won’t go past it. Hamster wheel stays turning. But if we can slow it down slightly and start on evaluating, the situation comes into focus. The giant two-steppers show up as doable, maybe at least until the next switchback. Each person and their evaluation looks different. A few years ago, mine looked like anxiety, crazy wife and mom, and I saw myself in total disarray. I was living in constant back pain, constant stress which in turn I put on myself severe anxiety. Yes, I put it on myself. We have a choice here on how the stress and anxiety affects us. My evaluation was that I could not change the circumstances.
  3. Slow down: I needed to slow the hamster wheel ever so slightly. I found ways to self-care and combat the bodily aches and pains, then remove a couple of things off the wheel, and then in turn a happier wife, mother, daughter, and friend.
  4. Move forward: a tad slower and the steps may still be just as tall but the next switchback is closer to the top, the goal. Within the evaluation, move forward with the changes. We cannot stop with evaluation; take a step. I saw changes in my health that were desperately needed; physically and mentally.
  5. Evaluate: Is this working? Are there a couple more tweaks needed? We must not think that our life has to stay where we find ourselves. God’s Word gives us insight.

Colossians 1:9-10 ” For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and understanding; That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God.”

How many “change” verbs do we see? Filled, Walk, Being fruitful, Increasing. All moving forward ideas.

Matthew 5:6 “Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.”

II Peter 1:5-8 “And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

The last verse is fantastic about not staying in one spot, but it is also so overwhelming because the list is so long. Well, start with ONE of these things. Evaluate where we are and implement a change in kindness or patience. We cannot expect anything in our lives to be different if we don’t do something about it, and God tells us to change the things that are not in line with His word. It is a doable task, or He would not be saying it. Time to slow the hamster wheel before it hits a complete stop.

Sow, Then Reap

12/17/22

I visited a verse this week that I saw in a different light. II Corinthians 9:6 tells us, “He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully.” What are the immediate thoughts when this verse is used, which many of us have heard hundreds of times in our lives?

There may be many applications, but my immediate thought has taken me to gardening. I have proven this verse to be wrong. I plant an over-abundant amounts of seeds and plants in our small garden out back, and then I proceed to over-fertilize, under water, leave the weeds and then cross the tomatoes with the corn. I am the worse gardener ever, but I am a pro at growing the weeds! Actually, the plants and seeds I put in the ground typically come up and they are perfect, but I hardly reap anything. Except one year I planted jalapenos; it was amazing! There were so many, I did it the next year because, hey, why not, I can grow something. The problem is we do not eat jalapenos. Seriously, our taste buds do not do super spicey, but I made some salsa. Then after a couple of weeks and more growth, I passed the jalapenos on to friends who use them often. I was super proud. I have to say my succulent journey has been pretty much the same. I have some growth, then barely alive for months, then death, then trash; many times over.

II Corinthians is definitely not proven wrong by my lack of green thumb, of course, but the amount of sowing and the correct sowing and the amount of reaping are in direct correlation with each other. Now, what else comes to mind and what does this verse really mean to us? Sow sparingly, reap sparingly; sow bountifully, comes back to us sometimes ten-fold, even the sparingly part. What areas can we apply this to in our lives today? Absolutely everything! Our pastor spoke to our teens on Sunday about decisions they make today are crucial to their future. I have told teen girls that multiple times. Their whole future is ahead of them and what will they choose today to make a Godly go at it? If we as adults apply this verse today, let us wake up and throw out the seed of quiet time with God. How much we sow gives to us encouragement, joy, strength; anything that we are as Christians to move forward in our day. Makes us think about having sown quiet time. Then our harvest will be an amazing day. Well, if it turns out not to be so amazing, at least we sowed Christ into our soul and spirit to draw peace and strength to face what might be the hardest day/days of our life.

Been there, people, and I wish my thirteen-year-old self had Jesus, because the discouragement that came with my cancer diagnosis was other-worldly. Thoughts of taking my life were never a part of my brain activity; I have to say I cared about me more than to take my life, but dying in my sleep? That would have been a peaceful way to go, was my thinking. I knew of God and how He could have made that happen. I just did not know God like I do today. I have learned to say, God is sovereign and has each and every step orchestrated for me. At thirteen, I wanted those steps to be my steps and the orchestration written out my way, so I did the only thing I knew to do and that was survive. God may have been in control, but that hair loss was not going to keep me depressed. I wore a wig. That chemo treatment was not going to keep me out of school, I went every day except the day after chemo. I was not sick, and no one could convince me otherwise. This was just an inconvenience. Sowing Jesus in my life was just what I heard in Sunday school, so I realized I needed Him almost a year after my diagnosis, and I saw Him as my Savior. Then in college, He got a hold of my heart and made me realize I had nothing to do with being alive, healthy, and with the ability to serve Him. He challenged me to start sowing my quiet time, then He started reaping in me a soul and spirit that truly depended on Him for every single day. One that looks to Him for joy, strength, health! My mantra: everything, everyday has God’s hand on it.

God asks us to sow. He asks us to throw out the seed of giving; of our finances, of our time, our lives to service. We could give lunch with a friend, gifts to others, or maybe coffee to a coworker just because. We should know if we sow, we are going to reap benefits. God sees and He may not bless financially now when we give financially, but who has ever given a gift just because and did not feel a ping of joy? There is the reap. We reap what we sow in our time. I have been hustling on to get something done and been stopped numerous times because that person needed time. I came away with a happy heart, a blessed moment in that relationship. Granted, I blew past a majority of people, but that is where I need to work on my sowing. People need us, people need time, people need love. Why are we too busy to give to people, or should we say, why do we not give to people and make the “busy” excuse. The verse, “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly,…” Proverbs 18:24, then show friendly and reap. We have had conversations with our boys multiple times about this very same thing. Need encouragement, show encouragement. Reach outside of our self and be nice, be helpful, and be someone to someone else when they may not have someone, because THE SOMEONE asks us too. The amounts of sowing opportunities in our lifetime are abundant, whether right or wrong, we really should be aware and calculated with our lives, determining our steps ordered by God. “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.” He is for us.

Throw out the seed of kindness. Our families deserve our kindness, and we reap abundantly what we sow in this area. It actually is an immediate reaping, right? Throw out the seed of love. Love is a choice, it is a feeling, too, but if we do not feel loved or want to give love, that really does not determine our love for someone. But we choose to love, and our God has shown us the ultimate love, so who are we not give back to Him and others? Throw out the seed of joy. “How are you?” I submit to you, let us start saying what an old friend used to say every time, “Super Fantastic.” instead. Throwing out a joyful response really helps us feel better about what is going on around us at any given moment. Throw out the seeds of peace. Our generation today has a huge entitlement issue, thus keeping things volatile. No one is entitled to anything when we have Christ in our lives and when we do not, we still are not entitled because God has the whole universe in His hands and controls everything. Each person is on this earth because of one God. Finally, just throw out the rest of the seeds of Galatians 5:22, 23; “…against such there is no law.”

What are we sowing today? There are many people in my life that have taught me the seeds to throw out so that I may reap. I am grateful and truly blessed to have them in my life, because I then can testify if I sow abundantly, I will reap abundantly.

Where/How Has The Time Gone?

Recent events have brought reflection on years of the past and years, months, and days that are to come. A high school graduation, a twenty-year anniversary, a first-day-of-school pic with just one and walking into an empty bedroom of our missing college student. By the way, after spending the weekend getting him settled in and spending time, the hug and driving away was not as bad as I thought. Walking into his bedroom to pick up a little, let’s just say, I was on the struggle bus. Then when it was time to say goodnight to the boys as before, the bus kept going, so I had to text him to tell him I could not say goodnight in person, so he was getting a text. Reflecting on not “where has the time gone” but “how has it gone?”

If we evaluate our time God has given us, we can really see what is important to us. In the past week, there has been time with God, but how meaningful has it been? It can be the most important time we have as a Christian. We want to see our behaviors, our care for others, our relationship with God as meaningful, but if that few minutes is not worth the time, we need to figure out how to make it. God’s word tells us over and over those who accept Him as their Savior are His children, and if our time with our children or our parents mean so much, the same goes for God. John 1:12 says, “But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:” And in Romans 9:26, “And it shall come to pass, that in the place where it was said unto them, Ye are not my people; there shall they be called the children of the living God.”

So, we evaluate our time with God based on our time with our family. Granted, time with family can be limited with the coming and going of the members. There are times that we are like ships passing in the night at this house, but we are very much aware of interactions needed the next time the ship is in at the dock or a phone call or text to say what is going on that day. If that interaction does not happen, what kind of relationship do we have with our family? That really does not seem right. We head to a play date or event or church and we hope to see…who, because we want to cultivate a relationship with them. Then it is time to make the same eagerness a feeling for our family, and then ultimately that feeling needs to be one for God. Church is not to replace that one-on-one relationship we are to have with the one who created us as individuals. Psalm 139:14, “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” We were especially created first for Him. Church is to feed our soul through the singing and preaching of God’s Word and refresh our spirit through the fellowship of God’s people. But our soul and spirit need to be ready to receive that goodness by already spending time cultivating the eagerness for the goodness.

How has our time gone? We cannot beat ourselves up for lost time; not good. I can promise there are many more years combined that have been for God and for our family when we reflect, but let us work toward additional minutes, day, months, and years that we previously have not used for this. Eager to hear from God instead of just reading the passage for the day. Eager to read and study a subject that we feel like we are going through at that time. Eager to pray for ourselves and others for God to work. Miracles still happen, just saying. But then sometimes God is silent. We must be eager for Him!

As a teenager on death’s doorstep, there really was not much of this reflection time except for the one day my dad asked if I had ever thought I could have died. I had not; I was just trying to get all this over with to get back to normal. I was angry at cancer and hated what it had done to my life. At that time of reflection, I realized that if God had not allowed me to survive the surgery and diagnosis, I would have not gone to Heaven. I was a sinner in need of a Savior, and I asked Him to save me shortly after that. Other than that life changing moment, I still never really spent anymore thoughts on where my time was going or had gone. Let’s just get through this and my homework done or a new outfit or call my friends. So shocking, but just in survival mode. We hear about hikers in the wilderness that get lost and do whatever it takes to survive. Desperation kicks in and a strength that they had never found before comes to the surface to survive, to get out of the situation at hand.

Where has our time gone or how has our time gone? Do we see the past years and are in desperation mode to make the future new? Is that strength that we never knew we had allowed to come to the surface and make God and our relationship strong? It does not matter how old or young we are, we are responsible to take the eagerness we have for any other situation or time with others and make it the same for our God, as an INDIVIDUAL. Here is the step-by-step process right in God’s Word, one from the Old Testament and one from the New Testament. Deuteronomy 6:5 says, ” And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all they soul, and with all thy might.” And in Luke 10:27 and 28, “…Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbor as thyself. And he (Jesus) said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live.”

Tag, You Are It!

Laughs and giggles during a game of tag make so much sense, because have you ever played tag yourself? I still do, right after I scare one of the boys when they come around the corner and want to get revenge. I love our kitchen area; great places to hide. A really fun tag game is when a person dodges the tagger at least three out of five times they try to tag them. Then there are those people whom the tagger focuses on and decides they are the easy target, because they are just not as fast or they tire out or they always choose the direction the tagger is going. Whatever their demise, they are always frozen or tagged. And then those around them want them to be the tagger because they, let us face it, are not that fast, or tire out… I was recently a sub for PE at our boys’ school, and the one rule that the tagger had: they could not stand guard by those that were frozen, because then that person could never get back in the game. Great rule! I do not remember playing it that way, but what a way to make it fun for everyone, even for those who did not do so well.

Tag, you are it. I am going to tell you I despised getting tagged. Whether it was freeze tag or regular tag, I was so bummed, yet I kept playing. I felt like I was pretty quick when I was a kid; come on, I had all those field day ribbons to prove it! And, yes, I was that girl who went after the slowest kids first because they were easier than the really fast kids, whom I rarely even got close to. My strategy worked, so sorry if you were those kids. But, in the long run, we played the game because it was fun, and after forty years, it is still being played. Kiddos running around like a chicken with their head cut off, in sheer chaos, but having a good time. Tag, you are it!

I find myself playing tag when I am at the house. Looking at the vacuum sitting in the middle of the living room that I pulled out two days ago, the paperwork on the table to remind us to make a decision, the work gloves and hat on the floor from the pool project finished up three days ago, and the five fishing poles and tackle bag sitting next to the stairs. All these things should be put away by the culprit, yet I will take an hour and “tag” everything in due time. Sometimes I despise the game, but I love it all the same and keep playing it. Why? It is what God has for me at this time. Tag, I am it!

We hear the same thing over and over again about Life and what it sends our way. But what are we going to do about it? We have been tagged for whatever we can list on a piece of paper right this very minute. What is yours? Immediately I list:

Wife, mom, cook, housekeeper, teacher, pool maintenance worker, receptionist, scheduler (summer appointments, crazy!) secretary (I love lists, I LOVE writing lists, AND I LOVE MARKING THINGS OFF MY LIST), woah, that was a little excessive, sorry. Right now, packer (church camp), youth pastor’s wife, friend, baby shower food organizer, cancer survivor. (we knew that one was coming)

I have been tagged with an abundant amount of things that I am proud to carry. Then the tags get a little unpleasant:

Cancer survivor, proudful, unkind, pessimistic.

I go from being the one holding all the good tags, proud of my accomplishments, just like the tagger who gets all the kids or the one that got away. Either way, those tags are ones we can say that we enjoy, we cherish, we thank God for choosing us! Then the unpleasant ones we do not want anything to do with, yet we have still been tagged with them. Let us make sure we are not “guarding” these like in the game. We could say that we see the things to change and make an excuse for our behaviors, so we are not allowing the changes to happen. Not letting the game go on like it is supposed to. Let us remember not to stay stagnant in our lives especially concerning the unpleasant tags. And I realize life is not a game.

So what do we do about that? God knows that when He shows us the unpleasant tags, whether in a sermon or talking with a spouse or friend or through our daily Bible time, He expects us to figure out what to do with it. He has given us His word for just that, and if we are not going to spend anytime in His word or at His church building, then I do not know what to tell you. Just like our happy tags, these tags are to be thought of and worked on. We cannot hope they fix themselves. They are not going away, they are who we are, and we must change them. I despise some of my unpleasant tags, but I love that God has shown me what to fix, no matter how long the process is.

Our pastor had amazing messages on Sunday and Wednesday evenings. He said, “Present sufferings are worth enduring for life’s future.” Amen, amen. Been there, done that. Cancer is such a horrible suffering, but every day, as I have mentioned multiple times here, I am reminded of that very saying. That suffering was worth enduring for my future. When things do not quite go the way we think or expect, like in a game of tag we still keep playing, year after year, decade after decade.

Yesterday morning at 9:30am, I had an appointment in a building that at 4:50pm a man came into and killed four people, including two doctors. I realized this morning that I had totally forgotten about my appointment yesterday and called to talk to the office to reschedule. This office is a few floors above the floor that was attacked, but all the same the office staff was there working the day after this attack. They were shook up, but still there. Amazing. No one knows why my appointment was scheduled when it was and even why I forgot to go. I never, ever just forget appointments like that. But those that are affected by this horrific incident will not understand until later why these “present sufferings are worth enduring” until life’s future shows them the reason. God’s Word tells us in Romans 8:18, “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” Not going lie; this is easy to say and hard to practice. Still, thanking God for this reminder.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

It does not take long to be reminded of events in our lives when we begin to look at pictures from the past. In this day and age, we have a plethora of those memories at our fingertips in our pocket or purse. Many times our memories are not sharp about events until we look at pictures or videos. A recent venture down memory lane while checking out pictures for our son’s senior ad, reminded me of a slew of fun times. Most of these pictures from the last eighteen years are not on my phone, but my computer so I do not get to see them much. Love the fact that these memories are still available. The smiles are fun to see because they are formed from the enjoyment of the occasion; they were on the inside and came out because of the surroundings.

Have we ever met that person who exudes the spirit of happiness, kindness, etc…? We feel a peace, a breath of fresh air. As soon as we see them, we smile because they are smiling. We smile because we see their eyes are sparkling. They have an inside smile that comes out just when we talk to them. Have we ever met that person? I have. Granted they have their moments, but not often. I remember one sermon I heard that was about these types of people. The emphasis was about the way they see others as not just another human being standing in front of them, but a human being with feelings, worries, life choices, everything; and they want to help everything. They want to encourage others to have their best life, because they are living their best life! These people have a beam of light, not just through their smile, but through their lives, their words, and their actions. I have met these encouraging people and could list here multiple names who come to mind. After that sermon, I made sure to find a couple of them and thank them for being those people. I wanted to be like them so I asked God to bring me peace, help me to say “I love you” to my friends and family, and look at other people differently.

So my husband looks at a glass as half full, he be one of them! Me, not so much. I am a product of cancer and a sour spirit. I have mentioned how much I hated what was happening to me, and I became bitter and hateful. I pushed those things aside in college, but there are still after shocks. So many years of sourness. My husband has said to me over and over that I needed to look at the glass correctly. There is this cancer mentality that sees the world in a different light, like most people who have gone through any trial. Do not get me wrong; a strong constitution and a reason to live give a cancer patient hope. But around every corner of life cancer lurks.

I have worked extremely hard to not be anxious each time my body has an ailment. I believe God healed my body but that does not keep me from cancer. It only keeps me from not losing my mind to cancer scares. You know when a person is suffering from cancer or any trial that comes into their lives, the mind is a crazy thing to tame. Which is why we should pray and ask God to make us those people we talked about at the beginning. Those people say, “Believe God is there.” “Everything happens for a reason.” Please, do not stop! It is hard to do what they say, and sometimes it falls on ears that hear and think, “Sorry, it is not that easy!” But, please, do not stop encouraging those suffering. We need it, and I promise. There is strength in numbers even if that person acts like they are doing ok, and they say they can handle it.

From the inside out we must work on who we are and how we encourage. As I have realized over the years, it is our choice how we go about that. Galatians 5:22, 23 lays it all out on the table in two verses. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.” What do we do with these verses? We apply them to our lives. It is our choice to have love for others, to smile, to pray for peace, to be longsuffering, show gentleness and goodness, have faith, meekness, and be temperate. We choose our behavior but if we do not fill our lives and spirit and soul with the right things, then the choice to behave correctly keeps the struggle real; makes it more difficult. Luke 6:45 says, “A good man out of the treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.”

Let us all choose to work on the inside and allow the outside to show up as a better person. Those people that exude that spirit of happiness and encouragement may have it as part of their DNA, but guarantee they keep the inside work project up to code. The by product-our smiles! They are healing and worth every effort. We are all a part of a picture that is worth a thousand words.

The Weather Outside…

February 2022

It has been a while since I was able to sit down and share. But I hope to get into more of a routine with my time and the ability to continue writing. Today, has allowed me some time because of the weather. I choose to stay indoors when we have bad weather if at all possible. The weather where we live has a saying, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a few minutes, and it will change.” Two days ago, I took off my staple outfit accessory, a cardigan, because I was so hot driving around running errands in seventy-degree weather. Today, we have had a record sleetpocalypus, where there is easily an inch or two of sleet on the ground, and it is thirteen degrees at noon. Next week’s weather forecast? You guessed it, back up in the seventies. This has happened multiple times this winter, not quite as hot but just as unpredictable.

I guess that is life, right? In past blog articles, I have mentioned how a five second phrase can change the course of your life or how our lives are like roller coasters in the twist and turns they make. Our current world roller coaster has taken many of us on a journey we would have never imagined. Locked up in our homes for weeks without interactions with our families and friends other than on a screen. Many of our dearest friends have lost loved ones or almost lost them. Actually, family and friends have lost loved ones just because of a difference in opinion. Tragic.

Wait a few minutes, because the weather outside… so is that fear or flexibility. There would be many that would say it is fear and others that fly by the seat of their pants. I envy the latter person because I try, but I still seem to lose it once in a while as I try to be flexible. A Godly fear is pertinent to our life as a Christian. Ecclesiastes 12:13 says, “Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.” Job 28:28 says, “And unto man he said, Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom; and to depart from evil is understanding.” So there is fear AND flexibility. They do run together, but when they become separated, then we see problems.

Fear can allow us to improve our surroundings and on the other side take us to places we have a hard time removing ourselves from. As a cancer survivor, I have made a choice to live a full life outside of the fear of reoccurrence. But then those times kind of just crop up. A couple of past articles have touched on two or three “cancer scares.” I really do not like to go to the doctor, maybe because of that one time that I went ended up being the worst moment in my life. I also do not like to take medicine and vitamins, and for years did not. Maybe because, well, you know. But living in fear that the next doctor’s appointment might be the same as that moment years ago, puts a limit on what I kind of need to accomplish in my life. Two years ago, I had struggled with a call to the doctor that was necessary. This was a struggle because of this pain in my side, and I did not want to know if it was bad. If you google diagnose, it tells you that you are dead tomorrow. Stay away from those diagnoses. There is a lot of great information, but when you have survived cancer, that word pops up every time I want information, and it is unnerving. So, a quick exam and CT scan gave both myself and my doctor relief as it was something else and was treated quickly.

The fear that stops us in our tracks is mentioned many times in God’s word. Isaiah 41:10 says, “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of righteousness.” POWERFUL! Philippians 4:6,7 says, “Be careful for (fear) nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Did you see all those big words? In everything do not fear, pray, ask fervently, be thankful, request. In one verse, it tells us the solution to the wrong fear! When we change the way we look at fear, we make it a Godly fear. Again, POWERFUL!

God gave me purpose when He said cancer. He showed me that fear and flexibility can be used for good for myself, for the good of others, and for the furtherance of the gospel. He showed me that the weather outside, although it may be seventy and warm, may tomorrow be thirteen with bad roads. Those roads, not by choice, get me back to where I can enjoy taking the cardigan off when it is warm. Godly fear and flexibility working together.

What’s Next?

9/2/21

2010 – Present

My cancer journey began at thirteen in 1990, and the cancer journey continues at age 45 in 2021. How does this happen when the oncology doctor appointments are not scheduled anymore, chemotherapy drips are turned off, and your hair grows back? It continues because the side effects of a controlled substance used to fight the disease appear years later.

Immediate side effects of the chemotherapy drugs that were used in 1990. Vomiting, headaches, weight loss, hair loss, taste buds changed, large mouth sores, skin rashes, broviac-inserted IV into my chest; need I continue. Expansion of the side effects circle as a teenager-frequent school absences, lower grades, no sports, family affected, low self-esteem, bitterness began. Circle gets larger-hardness (fighter instinct), bitterness increases, keeping others at bay. Let us take a break here and go on a side effects’ rabbit trail. Once I hit Bible college and marriage, I learned these things about myself, and gave them to the Lord then, and continually pray that God will keep them at bay. Not so much about the cancer and side effects themselves, but about other things that come into my life. When you have been at a certain physical, emotional, and spiritual stage in the past and present day things come along, it is easy to revert back there if you are not careful.

Present day side effects. Well, its been 31 years since this all began, and I have to say in the last 10 years those side effects, as many of you have read in previous articles, have reared their ugly head. Infertility has been a huge part of our lives and is directly related to chemotherapy and my cancer surgery; doctor’s orders. I had a fall 10 years ago on ski slope that was so stupid; you hear that all the time-this person said they were just standing and fell over and twisted their knee up, or this other person said they hit a tree barely moving and got a concussion. Anyway a routine parallel stop when my son fell tore the ACL in my right knee. Doctor replaced it and said I had to be on crutches for eight weeks because he was concerned about minor bone loss in the femur where the newly attached ACL resided. A recent visit with the same doctor, and the bone loss is increasing; seen in long distant runners, smokers, and chemotherapy patients. I am not even remotely in the category of the first two.

Right after I had my first child, I went down for the count with severe back pain. It was what everyone else said they had when I talked about the pain; the L5 was pinching a nerve. A few years back, I told my husband I was not living in the back pain world anymore. I could not get out of bed normally, bend over at all, walk without pain, or enjoy my life. I was desperate and called a local spine doctor to get in for an evaluation. We did therapy, shots (which were so traumatic, let me tell you, to let someone put a needle in your back after 18 spinal taps during chemo, and yes I cried like a baby), and one year later he saw I had bone loss, underdevelopment in a lower vertebra, and everything would continue to settle downward. Surgery with rods and pins was the diagnosis, and his colleague would be my second opinion. His colleague did not agree; exercise, stretching, and core strength was his solution, and I have not returned because I work on those daily. No chemo side effect diagnosis, but I will take some liberty to say-how many spinal taps did I have in between those lower vertebras? and bone loss? And recently, I have seen multiple doctors concerning an eye problem. We are still in the process, but one diagnosis I was told it is caused by steroids. This is recent steroid use like eye drops or topical, but the amount of steroids I had during chemotherapy raises a red flag in my mind.

I left the oncology office 27 years ago free and clear and CURED, but God has made sure I know where and when and how I have come to where I am today by constantly reminding me WHO brought me to this place. These things are not just happenstance. They are orchestrated by Him, as my life today has been. I am not alive today because I was determined to fight, although our mental state is a huge part of our ability to heal, but I am alive and experiencing these things because GOD SAID CANCER and He chose me!

It is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Each and every person that goes through a trial like Childhood Cancer goes through it differently because God created us differently. But He chose us to go through the trial, so we are no different from each other in that aspect. God tells us in John 15:15, 16, “Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. Ye have not chosen me; but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.” God wants us to be His children. When we accept that position, He then asks us to tell others, whether that be verbally, by the way we live, by the way we speak, and even by the way we suffer. I live in constant pain and those closest to me know that, but God chose me to show others of His Healing, His Leading, and His Grace. Oh to live worthy to what He has called me to do…

Hurry Up And Wait

5/10/21

I was recently reminded of the phrase, “Hurry Up and Wait.” It seemed like anytime we were headed to a doctor’s appointment or chemo, we were pressed for time. Many of us have been sitting in a doctor’s office whether in a waiting room or inside the exam room, wondering when in the world will we get to go back or see the doctor.

Not only does this happen to a cancer patient, but ten fold because the first appointment usually turns into five appointments which turns into, well in my case thirty-six chemotherapy treatments and twelve cardiology appointments in eighteen months. If the average doctor appointment takes two hours including drive time, ours was a four hour drive time there and back plus a two hour or four hour chemo drip, squeezing in the cardio doc appointment. I always tried to get in at least three or four classes at school, asking mom to schedule the last available appointment, because of course, I would be missing the next day. The twenty-four hours of dry heaving made that day impossible. Thursdays were good days because I had the weekend to recuperate even more, but so many fun things were on Friday nights. Pick and choose what was important on the medical side of things should not be a part of my Freshman and Sophomore years, but it came with the territory. Hurry up and wait was made easier because these oncology nurses had it down pat. They knew they had multiple children to see, multiple IVs to get going, and they worked really hard to keep you moving. Through the waiting room and exam rooms, into the sterile spinal tap room (horrible experience!) and get hooked up quickly to the IV pole. Thanking God for those special people.

In life, how does this phrase apply? When I was little, I remember wanting to be big like my special friend who was in middle school and who sang at a competition at camp. We have a picture together after her and her middle school friend sang. They sounded so great, and I wanted to be just like her, but be like her right then. My dad was a pastor, and I enjoyed going to church camp every year from toddler years on; definitely a perk. But I always wanted to participate like the teenagers. Then I got my chance. My very first year of teen camp, and I was a top dog! My year to shine, a big wig, oh, and the next year I was actually wearing one, go figure! And talk about big, my mom let me get the biggest, curliest wig you have ever seen, because come on, this was the early 90’s! Back to the first year of teen camp; I hurried up and now I was a teen. Then getting into high school was the next thing to look forward to. Cancer changed much about this hurry up time because I had a totally new focus to get to my Freshman year in survival mode. Then I made it, cancer treatments still ongoing, but at least I was there. Hurry up and finish chemo, then hurry up and come quickly driver’s license! Then graduation, then college, then waiting to find my husband, graduation again, then marriage, and the list just goes on.

Hurry up and wait. Why? Because we want to move life along, but what are we doing with the life that is right in front of us? How important would it be for us if we decided to take our life and the hurriedness, and contemplated every day on what should slow down? Being hurried takes so many things from us.

  1. Takes our time away from God because we have not allowed time to sit and dwell on God’s Word and talk to God
  2. Takes our mental health away from us because we have not allowed time to sit and use our mental capacity to read and dwell on God’s Word and talk to God
  3. Suppresses the Holy Spirit and the guidance that He provides because we have not allowed time to sit and feed our spirit through God’s Word and talking to God
  4. Takes our time away from what God has asked of us as Christian, be a light, be kind, and tell them about Jesus because we are flying past them to get to the next thing on our agenda

It all boils down to what? That one on one with God, every single day we have breath. I realize I probably am a much different person than most, but maybe you can relate. I have a huge amount of things on my list to get done in a day or week, but I am that one that crosses off each item on the list to the expense of others; maybe their feelings or the time together to develop our relationship. Within the last few years, this has been apparent to me, and God and I have had many a conversations about this very thing. I have made a couple of steps forward personally in this area but so many steps still to go; hopefully, I keep stepping forward.

The fable of the tortoise and the hare comes to mind, as they start off on their race against each other. The hare knows its ability and starts off quickly, then decides it needs a rest. The tortoise passes the hare and wins the race. Slow and steady wins the race. Taking time to ponder each step along the way allows us to stay committed to the task at hand, shows others that they are important to us, and keeps us focused on the end result. We are not racing against each other. Society has termed living life a certain way “a rat race;” a rat in a wheel that keeps running and running like the hare, never focusing on the important things of life. But we are not running in a rat race! We are running God’s race and that race includes:

  1. Our relationship with God

Hebrews 12:1, 2 “Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

2. Our relationship with Others

Galatians 6:2, 10 “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ… As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.”

3. Our relationship with Time

Ecclesiastes 9:11 “I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither is there bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to the men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.”

What does hurry up and wait mean to us? Is it worth it sometimes? I believe it is for that moment as long as the other moments are about God, Others, and the Time God has given us on this earth to stay out of the “rat race.”

Honeymoon Is Over

2003-2009

God had brought my husband and I together for a reason. We had spent an eventful honeymoon in the hospital, but now I was doing fine, and God was using us in His ministry at my husband’s home church. We jumped right in to teaching and hosting activities with an adult Bible class who were our parents’ ages. We had a great time and much grace passed on to us as we learned to teach and relate to this wonderful group of people. Eight months later, we found out we were going to have a baby and I stuck my tongue out at cancer. Look who is bigger; My God. We were ecstatic to say the least, and any uncomfortable thoughts that was there about not being able to have children quickly faded. We were going to be parents now! The pregnancy went well and we welcomed a baby boy in November 2003. Now on to parenting. That of course is another whole book that I will not be writing. The baby grew, and we were excited about the possibility of many more children. After a year, we knew we would like to have another and looked forward to it. Then another year passed and no pregnancies. I began to read about fertility and wondered if I should talk to my doctor at my yearly checkup because now we had a three year old. She suggested to keep trying and following my cycle pretty closely for the window to get pregnant. Year four, and we were ready to discuss different options.

The next year we spent going through different tests to determine hormone levels and my cycle began to change, which we thought was strange. The doctor then sent us to a fertility specialist, who then did a couple more tests and met with us. She began with these words, “Because you have had cancer and chemo, …” Nooooo! This was not happening. I was able to get pregnant fairly quickly the first time; my body is not messed up. Denial came as it did twenty years before. I had to snap out of it because I was an adult now. No denying this cancer side effect: infertility. She told us that I was premenopausal because the chemotherapy had shrunk my productive organs and they were the size of a late forty to early fifty year old woman. Also, because a woman has all of their eggs at birth, those eggs have been affected by the treatments. In Vitro would be extremely expensive and the possibility of fertility was very low. The oncologists long ago had it right when they said those drugs could cause infertility. The doctor told us to try for another year and then we should look into adoption. Since adoption had been on the table from the time we were dating, we decided six months later to pursue this avenue through the state and began our certification for the foster to adopt avenue. The beginning of the next year, we began to receive names of children monthly that needed a home. The Lord did not give us a peace about those names each month, and a couple of months into the new year, we made plans to start a private adoption. We needed to put a rental home up for sale and put the equity toward an adoption. We headed on a quick vacation to visit grandparents, and while we were traveling, my, I felt so tired. I could not catch up on sleep, granted we were going 100 miles an hour visiting our nation’s capital on the way to family. But, I soon had this feeling that maybe I was pregnant. We kept it under wraps until we got home, and then a home test confirmed it. That same day, we got a contract on our rental home! At this time we knew we should hold off on adoption because we wanted to make sure the pregnancy went well and the baby was healthy. The year flew by and our second son was born in December 2009.

Many women have a similar story. Infertility rings loudly in our society today, and each story is unique and almost always the most painstaking waiting game. The emotions can truly put a woman’s life in turmoil thinking that this was the month. A deep breath and quickened heartbeat, a little anxious to see what the next couple of days brings and a nervousness to mention it to your husband. Thoughts throughout the day of how you are going to tell your mom and dad and how excited your friend will be who just announced their pregnancy. Their facial expressions and what they will all say play over and over in your head. Then your excitement starts to build for this possibility of a new baby in the house. In my case, since there was another child, thoughts of how excited they will be to have a new brother or sister. Ok, let’s reign it in and make certain this is true. Off to the store to buy a pregnancy test. Before my husband came home, I made sure to take the test so I can share the results with him, only to see that it was negative. What? Maybe it was a bad test; well, I will just have to go get another tomorrow, which also turned out negative, and two days later evidence of no pregnancy. Three months later, same song second verse, only the evidence of no pregnancy came quite a few days later, then the next time around, weeks later. Skipped months altogether and then negative test results filled the bathroom trash.

The weight and pressure and anxiety were intense, especially through each friend’s new pregnancy announcement. I was definitely not angry at them or disappointed that they were pregnant; on the contrary, I was so happy for them and their family. I even had an idea when some of them were pregnant before they even announced it. A little creepy? But my feelings and anxieties never went away, except for those brief times when I was waiting for the test to turn positive. Again, please let me say a new life must be celebrated and a pregnancy announcement must be made. It is a hard pill to swallow, but it has nothing to do with them. It is only the course that my God put me on to bear, and that course started many years before with another announcement, You Have Cancer.

Why me, though?

Why not?

From the time of the birth of our first son until the birth of our second was six years and one month, and outside of the second pregnancy months, those years are described above. God chose us to endure those years for a reason. We were able to see Him:

1. As our Salvation

Psalm 27:1 “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear: the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”

2. In control

Proverbs 21:1 “The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will.”

2. To help reign in our Thoughts

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

3. In my ultimate verse for many years before this and many years of infertility

Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh it is a tree of life.”

It is impossible to put to paper the many things that God brought to my life through this new journey. Our second son was a true miracle; there is no explanation on how I was able to get pregnant because my body was not functioning properly. In fact, we did not know when I got pregnant, and so a due date was a guesstimate based on the baby’s size. He came 10 days early.

As I said before, my story is unique to me but not unique to many women going through infertility. It has been a part of most of our lives through family, friends, co-workers or acquaintances, just like cancer. Together with God’s Almighty Hand and His Word to guide us, we can be a beacon to others and hopefully grow His Kingdom with our unique stories.

Prayer Is For Me

11/3/2020

What is Prayer? A solemn request for help or expression of thanks expressed to God or an object of worship. The words pray or prayer are mentioned around 500 times in the Bible. There are other words mentioned many more times than the word prayer, but prayer is an intimate word that is associated with our relationship with the Creator. When a relationship is considered important to us, we do what we can to spend time with that person and share our thoughts and feelings. We get feedback on ideas or questions we may have and enjoy making memories. We value certain relationships, and yet many times when it comes to our forever relationship with God, why do we not develop it as we do the others? Well, we might say, because He is God, and there would be certain aspects of an earthly relationship we would not focus on. True, I understand that, but what about the rest?

Why exactly do we pray? God tells us to pray, He wants us to pray, and we need to pray. Prayer is not for God, but prayer is for us. It is given to us by God as an avenue of communication to Him just as the Bible is given to us as His avenue of communication to us. God’s Word tell us in Psalm 50:15 “And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me.” Matthew 6:9-13 labeled as the “Lord’s Prayer” is given as an example of how to pray. Matthew 21:22 says, “And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.” Our prayers are our source of strength that allows us to believe there will be an answer because of who we are speaking to. Prayers are foremost for our salvation from sin and for our confession of sins once we are saved.

We could lay out many more verses of prayer, and I believe as Christians we know we should have an improved prayer life. We realize that we must pray, but do we realize how important it is for us? God does not need us to pray because He needs help, but it is the means God has for things to happen. It helps Christians show His love to others, and allows paths to be open up for God to work. It is always available, and nothing, except for unconfessed sin, can hinder our prayers to God. It humbles us, especially when we see answers to those prayers we so fervently lifted to Heaven receive an answer. Honestly, sometimes we are surprised when they are answered. I never get used to a prayer asked with full belief and answered amazingly. Lastly, we get to experience God through prayer, it brings us close to Him, and we see evil conquered.

Prayer is a cancer patient’s lifeline. How many needles have I received? Hundreds. How many side effects have I experienced? Not done counting. How many pains have I endured where I cried out to take them away? How many scans have I so anxiously lifted up to God sitting in the waiting room with kids of all ages doing the same or at least their parents? Each and every time a scan came back clear, the sigh of relief was heard around the world and the small tears welling up in my mom’s eyes were wiped away. Another hurdle jumped and cleared. But the next time will that hurdle stop us in our tracks or do we clear it by centimeters?

One of my closest friends recently got stopped by a cancer hurdle, stupid disease. She was diagnosed and is awaiting surgery, with complicated tests results mixed into the longest waiting period one has to endure. The biopsies, the test results, pre-op appointments, and the surgery scheduled dates are enough to put someone in a tailspin. What does one say to someone going through it? From experience, unless asked, stories are unnecessary. They need us to say we are praying and mean it, they need us to say we are there for them, and we can help them in any way. Just to hear someone cares and is praying takes the feeling of cancer aloneness away. It allows a cancer patient to feel like the weight of the disease on their shoulders is being held up by others like Moses was assisted at the battle against the Amalekites. It gives a feeling of power to conquer and strength to move forward. Knowing someone is thinking of us makes the results of biopsies and anxiety of surgery that much more bearable.

There is nothing better than prayer. It has changed the course of a sea’s direction, battles fought, walls standing, an infertile womb, lion’s mouths, a day’s time, a centurion’s heart, prison bars opened, and nations turned to God. All of these stories in God’s Word could be our stories, and they sound like our stories. For me, prayer changed death to life, hell bound to heaven bound, infertility to mothering, with thousands more answered prayers. We must not take prayer lightly, and we must pray today. WE can change everything.

What A Year!

10/9/2020

2002

As my journey continued, January 2002 began with a proposal for marriage and a date set for June. Wow, I really wanted to be a June bride so that was pretty cool. The next few months were a whirlwind as we prepared for a wedding, and I was teaching my fourth year. As the months passed, we were hired to be on staff at my husband’s home church, and so I did not renew my contract for another year at the school. Here comes a new road on my journey. At the end of the whirlwind six months, we were married and headed out on our honeymoon. Little did we know that the honeymoon would not turn out like most honeymoons, and cancer changed what was suppose to be one of the happiest times in our marriage.

The wedding day brought a belly ache, but what does one expect; a little butterflies and not really hungry. The first day of the honeymoon, the belly ache was still there, but again still a little bit of butterflies about a new marriage. By the time we landed in our honeymoon spot, the belly ache was a little more, and I was really hungry. We took a long stroll, grabbed a bite to eat, and after the first bite, the pain was excruciating. We had to walk, or my husband basically dragged me a couple of miles back to the hotel. We stopped at the pharmacy for any medicine that might ease the pain. In the morning, we tried to walk around, sight-see, and shop, but my belly was not having it. Within a few hours, we were headed to the nearby emergency room because the pain was so extreme. The doctor admitted me to the hospital, and I was diagnosed with a bowel obstruction. Same song, second verse. This happened to me a week after I was released from the hospital after my cancer diagnosis and surgery, twelve years earlier. We could not believe it! Honeymoon and hospital are not suppose to be in the same sentence, and yet, cancer said happy time, here I am again! Side effects of cancer are the pits!

This doctor, like my cancer doctor the first time, said the same thing. Bowel obstructions resolve, but if it lingers than surgery is the next option. Well, I was not a happy camper for many reasons obviously, but a big reason was what most people do not think about when someone has cancer; no health insurance as I mentioned in a previous article. We spoke to the doctor in the ER about it when he told us he was admitting me, and we brought it up to the doctor at the hospital now. Her communication to us, “The hospital bill is pretty high already, so anything we do now really will not change the fact that you may not be able to pay. You are here to be taken care of, and that is what we will do. We will not order any extra tests, just the ones we need to keep an eye on things and will wait a day or two to see if the blockage resolves. If it does not, we will have to operate.” Ok, great. Nice way to spend our honeymoon! In fact, each nurse that came in reminded us that our room was dubbed the “Honeymoon Suite.” Fabulous. At least we gained some notoriety during this time.

Not only was I dealing with the bowel obstruction again, I was also sitting there with no makeup on and a large tube down my nose so my stomach could be pumped to relieve the pressure in my belly and intestines. Boy, my husband got to see it all. For most newlyweds, there is a honeymoon, a year of honeymoon stage, and two or three years in semi-honeymoon stage. Many do not go through a major crisis for a little while where they see each other and their real selves managing that crisis. True colors come out in crises, and we jumped into those true colors right away. I looked awful and felt awful, and basically, a big baby. But, I have a tremendous husband who had to go pack up our stuff at the hotel and check out, went and did a little research about this crazy obstruction, and kept encouraging me. He was amazing, just saying.

This situation added more of a dilemma to our plans because we were to fly out of the country in a few days from this location for another week of honeymooning in a different place. We decided on the morning of day two that the second leg of our trip would have to be postponed. We were afraid that even if the obstruction were to resolve and we made the flight, I should not travel and risk a recurrence and another hospitalization out of the country. I was devastated. Not only was it my fault we were here, it would be my fault that we could not continue our trip as planned. This was not going well, but by the second evening, there were signs of improvement. The next morning was a clear picture that things were resolving, but it was the Fourth of July! The doctor came by in the morning and said everything looked 100% better and ordered a scan which came back clear. We would most likely get to leave the next day. That evening we watched beautiful fireworks via the reflection off the building beside us. We had wanted to be in the States for the Fourth to celebrate. It turned out to be a little different than planned. Why? Cancer.

I did get discharged the next day which was the day we were suppose to leave for the second part of our honeymoon, and the hotel was so gracious to let us return to our room. Since we missed our flight that morning, we spent the next week recovering and enjoying some of the things we had planned before. I really felt so much better and was able to bounce back quickly.

Cancer may have been the reason for such a drastic change of plans, but I believe God has a purpose for everything that comes our way. He healed my body of the disease, literally, a miracle healing, but He has chosen to help me along my life, experiencing things that remind me that He healed me. My cancer journey will never go away as long as I am alive. There are too many side effects that come along with it. But, even when plans change so drastically because of it, I will be disappointed, pout, maybe cry, but in the end, God knows and has a plan for my life, still. Reminded almost daily that my breath and my health are a gift. Exactly like the gift of salvation that He has given to us as His creation, and all we have to do is accept that gift. James 1:27 says, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” Our journeys are His gifts.

Brave in the Face of Fear

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7/30/2020

Fall 2001

How many times in our lifetime have we heard, “Be brave, you can do this?” As a little girl and as a parent the words, “Jump, I will catch you,” were said many times. To be brave is to take everything inside of us, since we have no control over it, and look out at the situation at hand and … step? jump? speak? breathe? Brave means many different things, but it will always mean to show no fear when faced with danger or difficulty. But “show no fear?” If we show fear, are we brave?

When cancer goes from being a word someone else heard in their doctor’s office, to a word that WE hear laying in a hospital bed from the lips of our doctor, FEAR. When the vehicle we are driving in veers off the road or is hit by another vehicle, FEAR. When we are up all night with a child who is sick with a fever or cannot breathe because of an infection, FEAR. In all of these and any other fearful situations, is it ok that we show fear even though we should be brave? You bet; we are brave even when we do not show bravery at certain times in our lives because of circumstances like these.

As God had finally given me my future spouse, a couple more fears resurfaced which had been pushed to the back of my mind and heart from my cancer days. Finally, I would be discussing with the man of my dreams that my past would be affecting our future. One of the final discussions with my oncologist was the fact, that a medically known fact about the cancer drugs that were administered through that tiny tube sticking out of the middle of my chest for eighteen long and grueling months, caused infertility. Because cancer destroyed one of my ovaries, and it had to be removed in the initial surgery, along with that medical fact about the drugs, bummer, having children was not looking too promising. And now all that information had been in the back of my mind for that last eight or so years, and it was time to share this with the man who decided I was the one for him. I was in utmost nervousness. Another side effect!

The discussion went like this. Oh, wait. I never had to bring it up. One evening as we were about to spend some time in chit chat, he quickly said something like this, “I know that you had cancer, and many of the drugs, from what I understand, can cause infertility. There are plenty of children out there to adopt.” What in the world is wrong with this guy?! He basically just summed up my mind’s recorded conversation with the man of my dreams in just two sentences?! Well, that was easy! And that fear and the burden which I did not realize I was carrying, just melted away with the biggest sigh of relief; outside of my SALVATION and the words, “You are officially considered cured.” And at that moment I knew God had brought my future spouse into my life to love me just the way I was, infertile and all!

The fear of a person not accepting me was really not noticeable, but it was there. I was brave and had been brave during my difficult cancer treatments. I had been brave to share with this man my fear of infertility. If I had stayed away from that discussion, even though I did not initiate it, I would have been in denial, and Satan can thrive in denial. To be brave in any circumstance shows others that there is Someone helping us conquer those fears, insecurities, expectations. God was there through my cancer trial, in fact, God Said Cancer, and He would be there through every single, unpleasant side effect that came my way; which by the way, He knew they would. I can live in fear, but bravery is so much more pleasant. That is hard to remember on a day to day basis, though.

I tend to be a scaredy cat about the silliest little things. Heights are one of them. Put me on a roller coaster, and they really do not bother me. I tend to stay away from them though because, side effect alert, bad back in need of surgery. But before my back and neck problems, I truly enjoyed them. But I cannot stand heights. A few years back my husband and I went on a short trip with friends. One of the excursions was walking out on a concrete bridge spanning a deep gorge. Mind you, we had just drove over the bridge and at the time cars were coming over the bridge as we made our trek across. I could not even get 25 feet onto the bridge before my fear kicked in, and I about had a fit right there in front of all of the other trekkers. I immediately turned around and watched as the rest of group kept going. They have great “couple” pictures in the middle of the bridge, and there is my husband all by his lonesome. Cool picture, though!

Bravery was not in my vocabulary that day. I showed 110% fear in the face of danger and difficulty, and why was I ok with that? My own decision not to cross. My own decision not to trust. I have a fear of heights, and I let Satan talk me into trusting myself instead of trusting something that was undoubtedly trustworthy; that bridge, which I might add, has not fallen and most likely will not fall. God is trustworthy and if I had looked past the bridge part of it and just trusted in God, I could have made it out there with them.

Going through cancer treatments brought moments of bravery, and I pushed through much fewer moments of fear or I would not be here today. A person must see that they are going to come out of it on the other side or the fear is intoxicating. It takes a person’s ability to take the next breath, to see an end in sight, to live; if we only live in fear of what is before us. Granted, I am not or have not gone through many, many things that others have gone through, so I cannot know how each individual situation makes a person feel or fear, but let me tell you, I know fear and I have been through some extremely hard times. I came out on the other side of those times trusting in a God who is the Great Physician, Jehovah Rapha; God who is There, Jehovah Shammah; God who will Provide, Jehovah Jireh; God of Peace, Jehovah Shalom. Trust in Him! He is there always, we have to take our fears and place them at His feet; ask to be brave with the situation before us, and JUMP!

Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” We can! It may be a struggle, and we may still cower in the face of danger, which is perfectly ok, but we can do it. I was raised in a family of singers. We spent many a service in the sanctuary of our little church, raising our voices to God for His goodness. Shortly after my diagnosis, my mom found this song and encouraged me to sing it. I think it was helpful for me to see that I was denying being sick most of the time, and needed to see that in reality, I can be brave and should be brave, but I was still human.

Warrior Is a Child by Gary Valenciano, Sung by Twila Paris

Verse 1: Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right,

But even winners can get wounded in the fight,

People say that I’m amazing, I’m strong beyond my years,

But they don’t see inside of me, I’m hiding all the tears.

Verse 2: Unafraid because his armor is the best,

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest,

People say that I’m amazing, I never face retreat,

But they don’t see the enemies, that lay me at his feet.

Chorus: They don’t know that I come running home when I fall down,

They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around,

I drop my sword and cry for just a while,

‘Cause deep inside this amor, The Warrior is a Child.

Y2K

smileyfaceatsunset-2000px-mikesalway

5/31/2020

2000

For those of us old enough to remember this fateful New Year’s Eve and what they were doing when the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2000, will also remember not much came of all the hype. Year 2000 will go down in history as a memory of “nothing happened.” It was a relief when we realized that the computer did not crash and the food pantry would stay stocked and the gas prices stayed the same. Most of us were relieved, right? In recent weeks, we have, in a way, seen what we did not see that fateful night.

For me the year 2000 was a new beginning. The world had recently come crashing down a few months before this with a second cancer scare in a matter of a couple of years. It made me wonder if the rest of my life would be lived in fear that cancer is just a doctor’s visit away. That because the word cancer passed a doctor’s lips, traveled as sound waves through the air, and entered my ears one other time, that too, might be a side effect. Might possibly happen again. Well, it had been too close for comfort. But I could not live like that. The recent hype was subsided and my life consisted of teaching and enjoying time with friends. I was truly grateful for feelings of relief, a constant calmness with everyday life, and a reminded reflection on how good God was to me. My career was in its second year, and my placement was fulfilling and enlightening on a day to day basis. I knew God was guiding my steps in a direction with end results that He knew. Y2K-Yield 2 the King.

Back to my teaching experiences. The only door that was not open was that one that led to my spouse. God had not opened the door and at twenty four, it seemed the best way was let God handle it. There were many things that had come my way up to this point in my life, and I had made it my mantra-Y2K. The percentage is pretty high where I did this, but that small percentage where there was not a yield to the King, I tried things my own way and was disappointed. Yet, God does bring those times in our lives. Proverbs 16:9 says, “A man’s heart deviseth his way; but the Lord directeth his steps.” He is still there to direct our paths yet gives us a choice.

  1. Choice to choose Him as our Savior. Matthew 7:13 “Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat.”
  2. Choice to confess our sins. I John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
  3. Choice to serve God. I Corinthians 15:58 “Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.”
  4. Choice to make the right choice. I Corinthians 10:13 “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”

During this famous year, I continued teaching, going on field trips, spending time with friends and family, and serving God in my church. My summer consisted of a single’s camp in Colorado, and I realized my prayers for my future husband were extremely important. I knew my choice for a spouse was the biggest thing in my life at the time next to my relationship with the Lord. He was to guide me if I would just choose to Y2K, and at that point my lack of yielding was the only thing going to stop Him from showing me the one to spend the rest of my life with. Why, though, had God chosen me to wait this long?

My third year of teaching began, and I felt more ready for this year than ever before. The class consisted of fantastic students and parents, and the familiarity of the curriculum helped things go smoothly. We had a wonderful year and a great time together. The 2001 summer began with another single’s camp where I dedicated my future spouse and marriage to God. I knew that if He wanted me to serve Him as a single young lady than that is what I would do. The test on that decision came shortly after that fateful week when my younger brother got married to my best friend. Boy, really? Y2K!!! Yield to the King. So that is what I did, and then my future husband, who was a friend and an acquaintance, walked into my life as something more. We both knew that we were the one we had both been waiting 25 years.

Choices, they are ours. How we decide which choice is easier or somewhat easier when we yield our lives and those choices to a God who directs us as His children. Matthew 6:33, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” Yielding to God each and every step of the way, gets us to a place where God can use us, and then we can make more right choices. A circle in progress.

Hi, Mom!

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5/9/2020

For most of us women who have desired, wanted, had a child, Mother’s Day is the best and worst day of the year. I plan to go in to detail of my years of infertility in future blog articles, but today I would like to reflect a little on my journey and give an idea of what other precious ladies may be going through this day of celebrating moms.

As many times before, let me preface my thoughts with, cancer takes so much from us. As a girl playing Little House on the Prairie with my beloved and amicable younger brother, I had enjoyed being mom. Maybe because I am a very bossy person to begin with, but we will not discuss my faults here. As a teen, I began to see light at the end of the tunnel when treatments ended and doctors gave us the green light for actually living a full prosperous life, even a life at all was a good deal in my mind. But that day when we were sitting in that little white exam room, I clearly remember the doctor going over a few things about what we should expect, or what we might expect in the health department. Let me just say, he forgot a few things, but it was not his fault.

One thing he mentioned was that we should keep in touch and come in once a year for a couple, then every five, then if needed. This hospital was a research hospital, and I was an excellent candidate for information. Granted he did not refer to me as a specimen; he wanted to continue to see us. If we moved, he encouraged me to have regular doctor’s appointments and tests wherever I lived. Another thing he mentioned is keep a cardiologist close by because of my heart condition. Lastly, or maybe it was the only thing I heard because any words after went in one ear and out the other, was that two of the drugs are known to cause infertility. Since I was getting ready to graduate, head to college, and hopefully find the man of my dreams, I might want to remember that when it was time to start a family.

Well, remembering was definitely not a problem. It truly stayed in my thoughts that day, and then teenagering continued and starting a family was far in the future. Graduation, college, a couple of moves, my career began, and Mr. Right came along. The doctor’s words surfaced, and I wondered how I would have this discussion with Mr. Right. He shared his thoughts with me on the subject before I even brought it up. He was much aware of the fact I was a cancer survivor and mentioned to me that he knew if we could not have kiddos, we would adopt. That brought everything into perspective quickly, and oh, let’s get married now, you are so wonderful! I knew he was the one for me if he was willing to give up ever having his own children to marry someone who possibly could not.

Our first baby came 18 months after marriage, and the doctor’s words were forgotten. Who says those cancer drugs cause infertility? Well, they did not affect me and my one ovary! We are cancer free and having babies. So long, cancer side effects, hello perfect life! Four years later and trying for another baby most of that time, the doctor’s words were not only at the front of our minds, they were passing our lips as we spoke to another doctor in a different field of medicine. She encouraged us to keep trying and consider infertility options. We left saying we would pray about it and save. Before we started our infertility options, miracle baby came almost two years later.

Motherhood has been an amazing journey. I love those boys more than I can express. They are hilarious, hard workers, loving, and made me a mom. Doctors said it would be medically difficult. But only by God’s grace, His healing hand, do I get to celebrate Mother’s Day this year. There are many women all over the world who have a similar desire to have children, and yet, for some reason they have not. They hurt on Mother’s Day. I am so sorry. Please understand, I can feel some of that pain, too. They may celebrate their moms on Mother’s Day, but when others post the pictures of their kids starting school, opening presents, eating ice cream hanging upside down in a tree, lemonade stands, baseball games, knee surgeries, they celebrate with us, but the ache is overwhelming. Those women hurt year round, and then Mother’s Day comes and the ache is like a knife.

For moms, we should celebrate our children, please do not take this wrong. I did not have to celebrate Mother’s Day in my married life without a child because God gave us one within two years of marriage, but I did have to celebrate year after year with a desire to have another child, and after having a second, repeat. God has not given us any more children, but I am so grateful, 100 times over grateful, for my husband, my children, and my infertility.

This verse was my infertility verse. Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” I have been down the road of a hurting heart, a desire to have children, and when they came, they were my tree of life.

Now We All Know…

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4/7/20

Since my 30 year Cancerversary post, I have had many other memorable moments that occurred thirty years ago. My diagnosis was March 15, 1990, and then a few days later we left the hospital only to return within a week because of a bowel obstruction. This obstruction was resolved only by God’s sovereign hand because my mom begged the doctor’s not to do surgery which would be the second one in a matter of a couple of weeks. Doctors in Salt Lake City told her if it does not resolve, we must do surgery, but if we do not do surgery she will die. Mom knew surgery would kill me and at that one moment, my parents made the decision that there would be no surgery. Putting me in God’s hand again for the umpteenth time in a matter of a month, God said, “I got this.” Within 36 hours, the bowel obstruction resolved, and we were headed back to Wyoming. Two weeks later, on Easter morning, my hair fell out. This weekend coming up is about Jesus’ Resurrection and one of redemption and saving grace. It means all of that to me and so much more because it is another Cancerversary for me. Reminders of what I went through, spiritually and physically. Redemption, healing, and saving grace.

Since my last post, the whole country’s population has changed the way we do life. I sit outside not watching a baseball game or practice like we have done in the Spring for the last twelve years, but I am watching kids in the neighborhood draw with sidewalk chalk on the driveways and ride their bikes up and down the street. Baby doll carriages and cartwheels mixed with remote control cars and makeshift ramps litter the sidewalks and new grass. I purchased a small little perennial a few years ago and the return of the tiny little perfect, purple flowers show everyone it made it through winter and it is time to shine. Thank goodness. It is so beautiful.

But the reality of why I am in this place this evening sets in, and I sit and ponder. You see, the new reality that we all are living for such a time as this, can be nothing new to a cancer patient. Yes, many of us know cancer patients that still attend events, church services, go to work or school, and do not even wear a mask, but I would submit that the majority live a life like most of us are living right now.

In my experience, my chemotherapy was every two weeks and each time we went in, we had to do blood work to see if my WBC or white blood count was high enough to receive the chemo. Chemo not only knocks down the cancer cells but also the healthy cells that fight any infections. The reason for treatments every two weeks, in my case, were so that the WBC could build back up because they were being knocked down so far by hard core chemotherapy drugs. On at least two occasions, at the two week mark my counts were low, and we had to go home. How I did not get sick is a miracle in itself because I was in 9th and 10th grade, and daily going to school. All that to say, infections were very much a concern after each treatment. Wearing a mask, washing my hands, and homeschooling were the norm at the beginning. I refused a mask, homeschooling, and prayed for low counts not really taking into consideration the magnitude of my susceptibility to infections and germs. My parents worked hard to protect me, especially with the prayers they sent to Heaven on my behalf.

Cancer patients and their families who take treatments seriously, will do whatever it takes to keep those germs away, as we all are doing now. They will skip an event, they will stay home from school, they will use hand sanitizer and masks all because they are highly susceptible to the outside bad stuff. I do not really believe they live in fear, but they know somewhat what the consequences are, as we have heard and are living our lives right now. They live years like this as long as they are on treatments, and they want to get back to normal as soon as possible. Yet the side effects will live on forever. We hope our lives get back to normal soon, yet so many lives are changed forever as well. Now we ALL know, to an extent, how a cancer patient lives.

God tells us in His word there is a time for everything.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and time to die; a time to plant, and time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and time to cast away; A time to rend, and time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.”

God has all the time in His hands. As Christians, we understand each and every thing in this life and all the happenings are for a purpose; for a reason that we may not understand at that time. But praise be to God, “He has this.”

 

 

 

 

Cancerversary

30-years-in-business

3/15/2020

Seasons are times of change in temperature, weather, and clothing. They bring to us new schedules like a school year to a summer break and transitions from one sport to the next. Any one person would give their honest opinion of their favorite season because just about every person has a favorite. My top season would be spring with a close second season, fall. I love spring because the chill is not constantly keeping me in a coat, and I can get away with a sweater or light jacket.

When a person ponders the seasons, there can be so many lessons to learn. Spring gives us the saying for March, “In like a lion, out like a lamb,” meaning the first of the month tends to keep winter around and the last part of the month sees a tad warmer temperature and the beginnings of spring. I begin to put a plan in place for the tiny garden in the back yard. I am not much of a green thumb, but I keep trying. I can grow jalapenos well, but we do not eat them so I have not figured out why I keep planting them. Because they always do well, and I feel like I am growing something? Whatever. Spring is a picture of new growth, turning over a new leaf, doing things new; oh, and cleaning out the dreaded closets!

Summer has been mentioned in a previous post and helps me evaluate what is most important with extra time spent with family on our annual vacation. It is a picture of slowing down. There are so many new hours to fill without school and longer evenings. Barbeques and visiting with friends and family. Summers can be really busy for some, but still has a connotation of “let us take a minute to… ?” Fall, now that is a season that a large majority of people love. Whether it is Pumpkin Spice Lattes or hayrides or the changing leaves. It is definitely at the top of the “Favorite Season” list. Winter comes in dead last. Sorry, winter lovers, but I am not a fan of the cold or snow.

As I ponder the changing seasons, today marks a huge ‘VERSARY for me. March 15, 1990, thirty years ago, was a day I went into surgery to remove a mass in my stomach, but came out eight hours later with a cancer diagnosis, an eighteen inch long scar, an ovary removed, a broviac for chemotherapy, and a laundry list of other things. This day changed my life forever, no question about that. I have tried to express those changes on the blog throughout the last year and half by telling others what we went through; me personally with my family that stood by my side. But when doctors said “you are good,” I thought for sure those changes were done as well. Obviously, that was not going to be the last I time I would spend with doctors concerning this disease. The long term effects have “haunted” me ever since.

1999/2000

In my cancer journey, I finished my first year of teaching in 1999 and had a great summer working for a chiropractor. I made sure I never worked another summer; my contract was year round and starting school again was hard after working all summer. Starting my second teaching year, I was excited because I was moved to a much larger classroom with a new setup and new decorations. But a couple of months into the school year, I knew I had a problem. I noticed a place in my lower abdomen that did not feel normal. I had been down this road before and the outcome was devastating. “Fear washed over me” is an understatement. I do not know how I kept it together, but after a discussion with my mom on how to go about this (remember I did not have insurance), we decided to go into our family doctor and plan on the worst. Doctor appointments, CT scan, whatever it took for me to go down this road again. Insurance bare.

I would need to go to my principal and give her a heads up, at least take off a day to get the tests done, and ask for prayer. I could not hold it together when I met with her. Most people who know me realize I am not much of a crier. Come on, I had two brothers and no sisters, and I have two sons and no daughters. Crying does not come at the drop of a hat. I think I have cried in front of my husband less than ten times in seventeen years. Nothing wrong with crying, please understand me, but I am not a crier. So that fateful day in early fall 1999, crying was at the top of the list while I explained my dilemma. My principal was thoughtful, caring, and we discussed what should happen next. First, we needed answers and in the process she would also put in place a plan if the end result was not what we wanted.

We scheduled the doctor’s appointment, and with my history, he in turn got me right in for the CT scan. Barium, again! Oh, the most awful drink on this earth. Why, can they not figure out another way to do a full CT scan on a belly a different way? Time might have changed this process, but twenty years ago, it was the same barium and the exact same smell that made me want to puke. I did return to school the next day and waited anxiously for the results. When the phone rang, a wave of anxiety about took me to the ground, and I have wondered if I was white as a ghost. “Nothing to worry about,” the doctor said. “It looks like scar tissue.” Have you ever took in a long, deep breath that seemed to last for a minimum of a full minute? Of course, they do not last that long, but it feels like it when the relief from the anxiety is literally traveling out of our body through each finger and toe. The saying, “weight of the world on my shoulders,” was so real during that time, and now it felt like God had lifted it off. He said, “Trust me. I healed you from the beginning. This may be a part of the side effects, but you are in my hands.”

Pretty crazy, that my cancer journey timeline and blog article today happens to have a cancer scare in it, on the day that the cancer scare came to fruition thirty years ago. I am so grateful for every step on my journey, every step. Not only the good ones, because I really rejoice in those, but the hard ones; the ones that make a person feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. God tells us in I Peter 5:7, “Casting all your care upon him for he careth for you.” He says in Psalm 37:23, “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord; and he delighteth in his way.” He has us taken care of. I am so grateful.

 

God Said Cancer In The Pool of Grace

SwimmingPool

3/10/20

It does not really matter how long I sit and ponder the current biggest issues in my life, there is a God in Heaven that has everything in the palm of His hand; He’s got it covered. We are on this earth for a reason, and because we are on this earth, created in His image but with a sinful nature, issues come. But, at this very moment a dear friend has started her cancer journey and is fighting for her life. Nothing right now that I have in my life can compare to what she is going through, yet God Said Cancer to me almost thirty years ago, so I can relate to most of what she is facing. The reason I started writing down my cancer journey is because cancer may come and go, but it never leaves the fabric of who a person is. It changes so many things about a person, not just the physical aspect but mental and spiritual as well.

Our friend and coworker, who is now fighting this fight, had been given the hard and not so promising news recently. With more details, more doctor visits, and more tests, a plan was formed. When we visited her, her spirits were up because a plan was in place. A specific phrase she made at the hospital will never leave my mind and heart, because I can truly say she is right. “I feel like I have jumped into a pool of water and GRACE is all around me; above me, beside me, below me, and I am just surrounded by it.” Her peace was intoxicating. She was able to see her God through the midst of the chaos. A God of Grace.

In my cancer journey, I cannot say I ever realized this grace was surrounding me, but it was. I was thirteen, and God was real to me but not mine. As I have mentioned in an earlier post, I was saved about a year into my journey when my dad asked me if I had ever thought about cancer taking my life. I realized I was a sinner and would have gone to hell if I had not lived. So grace, although it was there, it was not something I can say was a part of my journey early on. My parents, they were in the pool. They were made strong through God’s grace.

Paul says it perfect in II Corinthians 12:7-9: “And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance  of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh,… For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he (Christ) said unto me, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” Paul was given his “thorn” just like I was, and he asked God to remove it, as I did. Paul realized that when Christ died for him, God’s strength and grace surrounded him, and he gloried in his “thorn” so others may see God. Wow. Oh, to be someone that glories in my infirmities, so God can be seen!

Have we seen those Olympic size pools that are super long and deep? They are so large-God’s grace is bigger. In college, God showed me this pool of grace that I had been swimming in since my diagnosis. He showed me the grace to spare my life so that I would see His love for me and my sinful nature and accept Him as my personal Savior. Hebrews 12:16 “Let us come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.” He showed me so much grace that was poured over me and my family for the year and a half of chemotherapy, doctors, bowel obstructions, I could go on but my past blog articles catalog those things. He showed me His grace given to us when the cancer “disappeared” at the three months scans. “It was a miracle.” It was GRACE. In October of 1993, the doctors put the stamp of CURE on my chart. “We do not need to see you again unless you have complications. It would be good to have an annual checkup.” Again, GRACE.

I had to realize I was swimming in the pool already. Hearing God’s word preached so often was the turning point in my life and the realization that I was in God’s pool of grace, and I have been there ever since. That is so fascinating. And yet when I hear others go through what I went through, I cannot breathe. I am encouraged when a visit with them shows me they found that GRACE in the midst of their trial. Then I praise God that His grace is still there, still helping someone put one foot in front of the other in bad times and the good times. Were it not for grace; another side effect of cancer? Most definitely.

This song was released my first year of college.

Were It Not For Grace by David Hamilton

Time measured out my days,
Life carried me along,
In my soul I yearned to follow God,
But knew I’d never be so strong.
I looked hard at this world,
To learn how heaven could be gained.
Just to end where I began
Where human effort is all in vain.
Were it not for grace,
I can tell you where I’d be.
Wandering down some pointless road to nowhere,
With my salvation up to me.
I know how that would go,
The battles I would face.
Forever running but losing this race,
Were it not for grace.
So here is all my praise,
Expressed with all my heart,
Offered to the Friend who took my place,
And ran a course I could not start.
And when He saw in full,
Just how much His would cost.
He still went the final mile between me and heaven,
So I would not be lost.

You Know You’re A Boy Mom

boy mom2/18/20

Fall/Spring 1998/99

I sat and looked around the house chuckling as my eyes spanned the living area. The coffee table was void of the cute centerpiece basket with the decorations inside, placed off to the side next to the wall. In its place was a bright blue net of a table top ping-pong set with paddles resting on either side, missing the ping pong ball which had been blasted across the room scoring the game ending point. This scene puts a sign on my back with big letters “Boy Mom,” or maybe it’s just my label.

This label comes with a whole slew of other scenes in life that has to do with boys:

Laundry time comes with a handful of rocks and sticks fished out of pockets.

Hugs and kisses one minute and then smacks with foam swords the next.

Your foot is permanently marked with little round LEGO circles.

The toilet area, need I say more?

You paint your nails during the first inning of the baseball game so they can dry without getting smudge for the next eight innings.

Dad asks on the way out the door if they have any other jeans.

The epic wrestling match is always right before bed.

Pretty things? What is that?

Oh, and the smell is another one with the label, EPIC!

I really enjoy being a boy mom. I only had two brothers growing up, and one of them was a year younger than me, so we were very close when we were little. When I chopped off my hair at the age of three with the giant scissors, my mom looked like she had twin boys. As mentioned in one of my earlier blog articles, we spent our childhood outside, and I was a bona fide tomboy. Therefore, I was destined to be a boy mom.

When the first year teaching came along, the academic part of teaching was very natural, and it was easy to explain each concept to those bright-eyed fourth graders. I loved using unconventional things to explain things like fractions. By using a student standing on a chair for the numerator holding a yardstick next to another student standing on the floor as the denominator, math was brought to life. There were relays to study history terms and basketball tosses to help explain nouns. My favorite times were teaching new choruses created from favorite Bible verses. I loved to sing with the class, and singing brought happiness to the classroom and our daily learning. I loved the academic side of teaching but truly enjoyed getting to know the students on the playground, field trips, and pickup time. It was nice to not think about grades and papers, and go shoot a few basketballs on the court or talk about their soccer game win or piano recital from the weekend.

Unfortunately, following all outside recess came the almost unbearable and putrid body odor smell. In Oklahoma. and especially in August and September, their outside play opened the sweat glands and those in turn permeated the room with sweet odor. The rest of the day never recovered, so the best we could do was open the door and turn down the AC. This never changed year to year. The play and smells were intertwined, and a teacher made due. I had been prepared for these smells because of my brothers, and then when I had boys, those smells showed up again. This is never going to change!

I have learned what masks the smells and find the spray of pretty smell or diffuse the sweet smell all day. Then I started thinking about how a smell permeates the room whether it is an outdoor smell or a sweet smell. The molecules do not take very long to move throughout the room and affect each individual there, because the air is in constant circulation. Especially in the car after a football game or basketball practice! Phew, wee! But, I really am grateful for the smells, because they are from people that I love and appreciate. A smell can bring up memories that we enjoy or they bring back other memories that we want to forget.

In my cancer journey, the hospital and doctor smells are unforgettable and are brought to my memory every single time I go through those doors. Who knew smells would be a side effect of cancer?!? But those smells can also be a reminder of where I have been and where I am today. They remind me of the super, amazing hard times of chemotherapy, spinal taps, doctor’s appointments of anxiety about cancer reoccurrence. Literally, a smell brings a flash of memory about wearing those awesome hospital gowns or walking around in those non-slip socks. Red Jello brings the memory of liquid diets and ice chips. One smell, a multitude of thoughts.

If one smell can bring a multitude of thoughts, words and actions supersede the smell. I spent my first year of teaching in constant anxiety because the words on the pages of rejection letters from insurance companies. When we speak to others or our actions toward others do not bring comfort, that person internalizes those things, and it affects them and who they are. God’s Word encourages us to be careful of this and to live by the Spirit that He has given to us to receive. Galatians 5:22, 23 wraps it all up neatly: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance; against such there is no law.” If we make the conscious “choice” (our actions and words are OUR choice) to be a help to others and not a hurt, we will put off a “smell” that others around us enjoy. We will give them the “smell” of love, joy, peace, etc… because we choose to. It is our choice and no one else’s. Can we do this? Are we willing to choose between the good and the bad?

What Happens When God Chooses Us To…?

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1/4/20

When we live our lives with God’s direction as priority, the above question shines bright. What happens when God chooses us to…? Chooses us to lose a baby before birth. Chooses us to hear the doctor’s words that take your breath away. Chooses us to say goodbye for the last time to your loved one as they walk out the door or breathe their last breath. What happens when He says that it is our turn to face this? Every day life can be monotonous; school, sports, work and even church attendance. Our schedule Monday through Friday each week stays the same except for the occasional party or get together. Our weekends can consist of sporting events, get togethers, and church. It is what we do and where we go to the point that our car is on auto pilot. But God has a plan for each of our lives, and when we choose Him, He will lead us and guide us through that plan.

As a Christian, God directs us in His word to be a LIGHT:

I John 1:7 “But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.”

Matthew 5:16 “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in Heaven.”

To share the GOSPEL:

I Peter 3:15 “But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear;”

Matthew 9:37, 38 “Then saith he unto his disciples, The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few; Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest.”

To follow His STEPS He has for us:

Proverbs 3:5, 6 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

Psalm 32:8 “I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.”

Hold on though. What if those steps are devastating? Here are some of His promises:

Isaiah 33:3 “Call unto me and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.”

Proverbs 18:10 “The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.”

John 10:29 “My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all: and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father’s hand.”

Isaiah 43:2 “When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee; when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.”

His word is written for those devastations! It is our written guide. So amazing the promises that are given to us; it gives me goose bumps. How comforting and overwhelming at the same time.

Our family travels each summer to places we think everyone will enjoy. Every other year or so it is a place we have not explored as a family; possibly my husband or I have been there, but not with the family. I enjoy the concept of a new place and appreciate the vast amount of information that can be gathered at my fingertips. What to do and how long to be there often starts off the process, and with that comes reading websites and reviews from others that have tread the ground we will be covering. There are many decisions made based on what we find out. After the timeline is in place, the accommodations are a priority, then back to websites and reviews. On more than one occasion, if the location is a tourist spot, we will buy a guide book from the local bookstore or check them out from the library. We enjoy taking them on the trip. We also have this amazing book someone gave us that has each state in the U. S. which lists spots that are not necessarily high volume tourist places. “Off the beaten path.” A road less traveled by the multitudes which means not a major highway or two lanes; sometimes even a dirt road. We have seen more cool places using this guide book than we can remember. Many times we do not have time to take the detour, but at least once on each trip made Google maps and “make a U-turn” go crazy.

God has His word telling us of the path many have trod. It is our guide and gives us encouragement to hear of those that have traveled our same road. We turn to prayer and God’s word to see what those before us did and maybe how they handled it, whether right or wrong. But “off the beaten path” becomes those times none of us want to go through. God chooses us to make those trips. When God Said Cancer to my family, we had no idea what was going on. Every doctor visit, needle, medicine was a new road to travel down with the large street sign named Cancer. The detour went forever and ever, and the bumpy road was a killer to the back and neck all the way up to the head. I was not happy about this detour; in fact, I was angry. At 13, I could not wrap my brain around the fact that God was asking this of me. But, I learned eventually. In previous posts, I wrote of finding God and His goodness in my situation. I knew I would not have survived this beast if it had not been for God’s healing shortly after diagnosis, and because of that and the possibility of death, I found Jesus’ redemption and salvation.

Two steps forward: good scans. One step back: 24 hour headaches. Two steps forward: got an A on my science test. Three steps back: hair falling out in the bathroom. God is choosing me for this? He is sending me on this detour and actually guiding me this direction? Why!!! Answers after answers including the back and forth steps mentioned above came my way. As an adult, He has shown me 10-fold the answers, and they are pretty amazing. But it does not change the fact that God could still choose me for ….? And God is choosing each of us for…? What will we do with that choosing? Our response is not going to be love, peace, thank you, God. There is too much hurt in the moment and moments to follow, but He is there watching and guiding and as long as we remember that, I hope we can eventually say, God Has Chosen This For Me.