Category: Infertility

What’s Next?

9/2/21

2010 – Present

My cancer journey began at thirteen in 1990, and the cancer journey continues at age 45 in 2021. How does this happen when the oncology doctor appointments are not scheduled anymore, chemotherapy drips are turned off, and your hair grows back? It continues because the side effects of a controlled substance used to fight the disease appear years later.

Immediate side effects of the chemotherapy drugs that were used in 1990. Vomiting, headaches, weight loss, hair loss, taste buds changed, large mouth sores, skin rashes, broviac-inserted IV into my chest; need I continue. Expansion of the side effects circle as a teenager-frequent school absences, lower grades, no sports, family affected, low self-esteem, bitterness began. Circle gets larger-hardness (fighter instinct), bitterness increases, keeping others at bay. Let us take a break here and go on a side effects’ rabbit trail. Once I hit Bible college and marriage, I learned these things about myself, and gave them to the Lord then, and continually pray that God will keep them at bay. Not so much about the cancer and side effects themselves, but about other things that come into my life. When you have been at a certain physical, emotional, and spiritual stage in the past and present day things come along, it is easy to revert back there if you are not careful.

Present day side effects. Well, its been 31 years since this all began, and I have to say in the last 10 years those side effects, as many of you have read in previous articles, have reared their ugly head. Infertility has been a huge part of our lives and is directly related to chemotherapy and my cancer surgery; doctor’s orders. I had a fall 10 years ago on ski slope that was so stupid; you hear that all the time-this person said they were just standing and fell over and twisted their knee up, or this other person said they hit a tree barely moving and got a concussion. Anyway a routine parallel stop when my son fell tore the ACL in my right knee. Doctor replaced it and said I had to be on crutches for eight weeks because he was concerned about minor bone loss in the femur where the newly attached ACL resided. A recent visit with the same doctor, and the bone loss is increasing; seen in long distant runners, smokers, and chemotherapy patients. I am not even remotely in the category of the first two.

Right after I had my first child, I went down for the count with severe back pain. It was what everyone else said they had when I talked about the pain; the L5 was pinching a nerve. A few years back, I told my husband I was not living in the back pain world anymore. I could not get out of bed normally, bend over at all, walk without pain, or enjoy my life. I was desperate and called a local spine doctor to get in for an evaluation. We did therapy, shots (which were so traumatic, let me tell you, to let someone put a needle in your back after 18 spinal taps during chemo, and yes I cried like a baby), and one year later he saw I had bone loss, underdevelopment in a lower vertebra, and everything would continue to settle downward. Surgery with rods and pins was the diagnosis, and his colleague would be my second opinion. His colleague did not agree; exercise, stretching, and core strength was his solution, and I have not returned because I work on those daily. No chemo side effect diagnosis, but I will take some liberty to say-how many spinal taps did I have in between those lower vertebras? and bone loss? And recently, I have seen multiple doctors concerning an eye problem. We are still in the process, but one diagnosis I was told it is caused by steroids. This is recent steroid use like eye drops or topical, but the amount of steroids I had during chemotherapy raises a red flag in my mind.

I left the oncology office 27 years ago free and clear and CURED, but God has made sure I know where and when and how I have come to where I am today by constantly reminding me WHO brought me to this place. These things are not just happenstance. They are orchestrated by Him, as my life today has been. I am not alive today because I was determined to fight, although our mental state is a huge part of our ability to heal, but I am alive and experiencing these things because GOD SAID CANCER and He chose me!

It is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Each and every person that goes through a trial like Childhood Cancer goes through it differently because God created us differently. But He chose us to go through the trial, so we are no different from each other in that aspect. God tells us in John 15:15, 16, “Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. Ye have not chosen me; but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.” God wants us to be His children. When we accept that position, He then asks us to tell others, whether that be verbally, by the way we live, by the way we speak, and even by the way we suffer. I live in constant pain and those closest to me know that, but God chose me to show others of His Healing, His Leading, and His Grace. Oh to live worthy to what He has called me to do…

Honeymoon Is Over

2003-2009

God had brought my husband and I together for a reason. We had spent an eventful honeymoon in the hospital, but now I was doing fine, and God was using us in His ministry at my husband’s home church. We jumped right in to teaching and hosting activities with an adult Bible class who were our parents’ ages. We had a great time and much grace passed on to us as we learned to teach and relate to this wonderful group of people. Eight months later, we found out we were going to have a baby and I stuck my tongue out at cancer. Look who is bigger; My God. We were ecstatic to say the least, and any uncomfortable thoughts that was there about not being able to have children quickly faded. We were going to be parents now! The pregnancy went well and we welcomed a baby boy in November 2003. Now on to parenting. That of course is another whole book that I will not be writing. The baby grew, and we were excited about the possibility of many more children. After a year, we knew we would like to have another and looked forward to it. Then another year passed and no pregnancies. I began to read about fertility and wondered if I should talk to my doctor at my yearly checkup because now we had a three year old. She suggested to keep trying and following my cycle pretty closely for the window to get pregnant. Year four, and we were ready to discuss different options.

The next year we spent going through different tests to determine hormone levels and my cycle began to change, which we thought was strange. The doctor then sent us to a fertility specialist, who then did a couple more tests and met with us. She began with these words, “Because you have had cancer and chemo, …” Nooooo! This was not happening. I was able to get pregnant fairly quickly the first time; my body is not messed up. Denial came as it did twenty years before. I had to snap out of it because I was an adult now. No denying this cancer side effect: infertility. She told us that I was premenopausal because the chemotherapy had shrunk my productive organs and they were the size of a late forty to early fifty year old woman. Also, because a woman has all of their eggs at birth, those eggs have been affected by the treatments. In Vitro would be extremely expensive and the possibility of fertility was very low. The oncologists long ago had it right when they said those drugs could cause infertility. The doctor told us to try for another year and then we should look into adoption. Since adoption had been on the table from the time we were dating, we decided six months later to pursue this avenue through the state and began our certification for the foster to adopt avenue. The beginning of the next year, we began to receive names of children monthly that needed a home. The Lord did not give us a peace about those names each month, and a couple of months into the new year, we made plans to start a private adoption. We needed to put a rental home up for sale and put the equity toward an adoption. We headed on a quick vacation to visit grandparents, and while we were traveling, my, I felt so tired. I could not catch up on sleep, granted we were going 100 miles an hour visiting our nation’s capital on the way to family. But, I soon had this feeling that maybe I was pregnant. We kept it under wraps until we got home, and then a home test confirmed it. That same day, we got a contract on our rental home! At this time we knew we should hold off on adoption because we wanted to make sure the pregnancy went well and the baby was healthy. The year flew by and our second son was born in December 2009.

Many women have a similar story. Infertility rings loudly in our society today, and each story is unique and almost always the most painstaking waiting game. The emotions can truly put a woman’s life in turmoil thinking that this was the month. A deep breath and quickened heartbeat, a little anxious to see what the next couple of days brings and a nervousness to mention it to your husband. Thoughts throughout the day of how you are going to tell your mom and dad and how excited your friend will be who just announced their pregnancy. Their facial expressions and what they will all say play over and over in your head. Then your excitement starts to build for this possibility of a new baby in the house. In my case, since there was another child, thoughts of how excited they will be to have a new brother or sister. Ok, let’s reign it in and make certain this is true. Off to the store to buy a pregnancy test. Before my husband came home, I made sure to take the test so I can share the results with him, only to see that it was negative. What? Maybe it was a bad test; well, I will just have to go get another tomorrow, which also turned out negative, and two days later evidence of no pregnancy. Three months later, same song second verse, only the evidence of no pregnancy came quite a few days later, then the next time around, weeks later. Skipped months altogether and then negative test results filled the bathroom trash.

The weight and pressure and anxiety were intense, especially through each friend’s new pregnancy announcement. I was definitely not angry at them or disappointed that they were pregnant; on the contrary, I was so happy for them and their family. I even had an idea when some of them were pregnant before they even announced it. A little creepy? But my feelings and anxieties never went away, except for those brief times when I was waiting for the test to turn positive. Again, please let me say a new life must be celebrated and a pregnancy announcement must be made. It is a hard pill to swallow, but it has nothing to do with them. It is only the course that my God put me on to bear, and that course started many years before with another announcement, You Have Cancer.

Why me, though?

Why not?

From the time of the birth of our first son until the birth of our second was six years and one month, and outside of the second pregnancy months, those years are described above. God chose us to endure those years for a reason. We were able to see Him:

1. As our Salvation

Psalm 27:1 “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear: the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”

2. In control

Proverbs 21:1 “The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will.”

2. To help reign in our Thoughts

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

3. In my ultimate verse for many years before this and many years of infertility

Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh it is a tree of life.”

It is impossible to put to paper the many things that God brought to my life through this new journey. Our second son was a true miracle; there is no explanation on how I was able to get pregnant because my body was not functioning properly. In fact, we did not know when I got pregnant, and so a due date was a guesstimate based on the baby’s size. He came 10 days early.

As I said before, my story is unique to me but not unique to many women going through infertility. It has been a part of most of our lives through family, friends, co-workers or acquaintances, just like cancer. Together with God’s Almighty Hand and His Word to guide us, we can be a beacon to others and hopefully grow His Kingdom with our unique stories.

Brave in the Face of Fear

bridge 1

7/30/2020

Fall 2001

How many times in our lifetime have we heard, “Be brave, you can do this?” As a little girl and as a parent the words, “Jump, I will catch you,” were said many times. To be brave is to take everything inside of us, since we have no control over it, and look out at the situation at hand and … step? jump? speak? breathe? Brave means many different things, but it will always mean to show no fear when faced with danger or difficulty. But “show no fear?” If we show fear, are we brave?

When cancer goes from being a word someone else heard in their doctor’s office, to a word that WE hear laying in a hospital bed from the lips of our doctor, FEAR. When the vehicle we are driving in veers off the road or is hit by another vehicle, FEAR. When we are up all night with a child who is sick with a fever or cannot breathe because of an infection, FEAR. In all of these and any other fearful situations, is it ok that we show fear even though we should be brave? You bet; we are brave even when we do not show bravery at certain times in our lives because of circumstances like these.

As God had finally given me my future spouse, a couple more fears resurfaced which had been pushed to the back of my mind and heart from my cancer days. Finally, I would be discussing with the man of my dreams that my past would be affecting our future. One of the final discussions with my oncologist was the fact, that a medically known fact about the cancer drugs that were administered through that tiny tube sticking out of the middle of my chest for eighteen long and grueling months, caused infertility. Because cancer destroyed one of my ovaries, and it had to be removed in the initial surgery, along with that medical fact about the drugs, bummer, having children was not looking too promising. And now all that information had been in the back of my mind for that last eight or so years, and it was time to share this with the man who decided I was the one for him. I was in utmost nervousness. Another side effect!

The discussion went like this. Oh, wait. I never had to bring it up. One evening as we were about to spend some time in chit chat, he quickly said something like this, “I know that you had cancer, and many of the drugs, from what I understand, can cause infertility. There are plenty of children out there to adopt.” What in the world is wrong with this guy?! He basically just summed up my mind’s recorded conversation with the man of my dreams in just two sentences?! Well, that was easy! And that fear and the burden which I did not realize I was carrying, just melted away with the biggest sigh of relief; outside of my SALVATION and the words, “You are officially considered cured.” And at that moment I knew God had brought my future spouse into my life to love me just the way I was, infertile and all!

The fear of a person not accepting me was really not noticeable, but it was there. I was brave and had been brave during my difficult cancer treatments. I had been brave to share with this man my fear of infertility. If I had stayed away from that discussion, even though I did not initiate it, I would have been in denial, and Satan can thrive in denial. To be brave in any circumstance shows others that there is Someone helping us conquer those fears, insecurities, expectations. God was there through my cancer trial, in fact, God Said Cancer, and He would be there through every single, unpleasant side effect that came my way; which by the way, He knew they would. I can live in fear, but bravery is so much more pleasant. That is hard to remember on a day to day basis, though.

I tend to be a scaredy cat about the silliest little things. Heights are one of them. Put me on a roller coaster, and they really do not bother me. I tend to stay away from them though because, side effect alert, bad back in need of surgery. But before my back and neck problems, I truly enjoyed them. But I cannot stand heights. A few years back my husband and I went on a short trip with friends. One of the excursions was walking out on a concrete bridge spanning a deep gorge. Mind you, we had just drove over the bridge and at the time cars were coming over the bridge as we made our trek across. I could not even get 25 feet onto the bridge before my fear kicked in, and I about had a fit right there in front of all of the other trekkers. I immediately turned around and watched as the rest of group kept going. They have great “couple” pictures in the middle of the bridge, and there is my husband all by his lonesome. Cool picture, though!

Bravery was not in my vocabulary that day. I showed 110% fear in the face of danger and difficulty, and why was I ok with that? My own decision not to cross. My own decision not to trust. I have a fear of heights, and I let Satan talk me into trusting myself instead of trusting something that was undoubtedly trustworthy; that bridge, which I might add, has not fallen and most likely will not fall. God is trustworthy and if I had looked past the bridge part of it and just trusted in God, I could have made it out there with them.

Going through cancer treatments brought moments of bravery, and I pushed through much fewer moments of fear or I would not be here today. A person must see that they are going to come out of it on the other side or the fear is intoxicating. It takes a person’s ability to take the next breath, to see an end in sight, to live; if we only live in fear of what is before us. Granted, I am not or have not gone through many, many things that others have gone through, so I cannot know how each individual situation makes a person feel or fear, but let me tell you, I know fear and I have been through some extremely hard times. I came out on the other side of those times trusting in a God who is the Great Physician, Jehovah Rapha; God who is There, Jehovah Shammah; God who will Provide, Jehovah Jireh; God of Peace, Jehovah Shalom. Trust in Him! He is there always, we have to take our fears and place them at His feet; ask to be brave with the situation before us, and JUMP!

Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” We can! It may be a struggle, and we may still cower in the face of danger, which is perfectly ok, but we can do it. I was raised in a family of singers. We spent many a service in the sanctuary of our little church, raising our voices to God for His goodness. Shortly after my diagnosis, my mom found this song and encouraged me to sing it. I think it was helpful for me to see that I was denying being sick most of the time, and needed to see that in reality, I can be brave and should be brave, but I was still human.

Warrior Is a Child by Gary Valenciano, Sung by Twila Paris

Verse 1: Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right,

But even winners can get wounded in the fight,

People say that I’m amazing, I’m strong beyond my years,

But they don’t see inside of me, I’m hiding all the tears.

Verse 2: Unafraid because his armor is the best,

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest,

People say that I’m amazing, I never face retreat,

But they don’t see the enemies, that lay me at his feet.

Chorus: They don’t know that I come running home when I fall down,

They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around,

I drop my sword and cry for just a while,

‘Cause deep inside this amor, The Warrior is a Child.

Hi, Mom!

istockphoto-938848046-612x612

5/9/2020

For most of us women who have desired, wanted, had a child, Mother’s Day is the best and worst day of the year. I plan to go in to detail of my years of infertility in future blog articles, but today I would like to reflect a little on my journey and give an idea of what other precious ladies may be going through this day of celebrating moms.

As many times before, let me preface my thoughts with, cancer takes so much from us. As a girl playing Little House on the Prairie with my beloved and amicable younger brother, I had enjoyed being mom. Maybe because I am a very bossy person to begin with, but we will not discuss my faults here. As a teen, I began to see light at the end of the tunnel when treatments ended and doctors gave us the green light for actually living a full prosperous life, even a life at all was a good deal in my mind. But that day when we were sitting in that little white exam room, I clearly remember the doctor going over a few things about what we should expect, or what we might expect in the health department. Let me just say, he forgot a few things, but it was not his fault.

One thing he mentioned was that we should keep in touch and come in once a year for a couple, then every five, then if needed. This hospital was a research hospital, and I was an excellent candidate for information. Granted he did not refer to me as a specimen; he wanted to continue to see us. If we moved, he encouraged me to have regular doctor’s appointments and tests wherever I lived. Another thing he mentioned is keep a cardiologist close by because of my heart condition. Lastly, or maybe it was the only thing I heard because any words after went in one ear and out the other, was that two of the drugs are known to cause infertility. Since I was getting ready to graduate, head to college, and hopefully find the man of my dreams, I might want to remember that when it was time to start a family.

Well, remembering was definitely not a problem. It truly stayed in my thoughts that day, and then teenagering continued and starting a family was far in the future. Graduation, college, a couple of moves, my career began, and Mr. Right came along. The doctor’s words surfaced, and I wondered how I would have this discussion with Mr. Right. He shared his thoughts with me on the subject before I even brought it up. He was much aware of the fact I was a cancer survivor and mentioned to me that he knew if we could not have kiddos, we would adopt. That brought everything into perspective quickly, and oh, let’s get married now, you are so wonderful! I knew he was the one for me if he was willing to give up ever having his own children to marry someone who possibly could not.

Our first baby came 18 months after marriage, and the doctor’s words were forgotten. Who says those cancer drugs cause infertility? Well, they did not affect me and my one ovary! We are cancer free and having babies. So long, cancer side effects, hello perfect life! Four years later and trying for another baby most of that time, the doctor’s words were not only at the front of our minds, they were passing our lips as we spoke to another doctor in a different field of medicine. She encouraged us to keep trying and consider infertility options. We left saying we would pray about it and save. Before we started our infertility options, miracle baby came almost two years later.

Motherhood has been an amazing journey. I love those boys more than I can express. They are hilarious, hard workers, loving, and made me a mom. Doctors said it would be medically difficult. But only by God’s grace, His healing hand, do I get to celebrate Mother’s Day this year. There are many women all over the world who have a similar desire to have children, and yet, for some reason they have not. They hurt on Mother’s Day. I am so sorry. Please understand, I can feel some of that pain, too. They may celebrate their moms on Mother’s Day, but when others post the pictures of their kids starting school, opening presents, eating ice cream hanging upside down in a tree, lemonade stands, baseball games, knee surgeries, they celebrate with us, but the ache is overwhelming. Those women hurt year round, and then Mother’s Day comes and the ache is like a knife.

For moms, we should celebrate our children, please do not take this wrong. I did not have to celebrate Mother’s Day in my married life without a child because God gave us one within two years of marriage, but I did have to celebrate year after year with a desire to have another child, and after having a second, repeat. God has not given us any more children, but I am so grateful, 100 times over grateful, for my husband, my children, and my infertility.

This verse was my infertility verse. Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” I have been down the road of a hurting heart, a desire to have children, and when they came, they were my tree of life.