Category: High school

Hurry Up And Wait

5/10/21

I was recently reminded of the phrase, “Hurry Up and Wait.” It seemed like anytime we were headed to a doctor’s appointment or chemo, we were pressed for time. Many of us have been sitting in a doctor’s office whether in a waiting room or inside the exam room, wondering when in the world will we get to go back or see the doctor.

Not only does this happen to a cancer patient, but ten fold because the first appointment usually turns into five appointments which turns into, well in my case thirty-six chemotherapy treatments and twelve cardiology appointments in eighteen months. If the average doctor appointment takes two hours including drive time, ours was a four hour drive time there and back plus a two hour or four hour chemo drip, squeezing in the cardio doc appointment. I always tried to get in at least three or four classes at school, asking mom to schedule the last available appointment, because of course, I would be missing the next day. The twenty-four hours of dry heaving made that day impossible. Thursdays were good days because I had the weekend to recuperate even more, but so many fun things were on Friday nights. Pick and choose what was important on the medical side of things should not be a part of my Freshman and Sophomore years, but it came with the territory. Hurry up and wait was made easier because these oncology nurses had it down pat. They knew they had multiple children to see, multiple IVs to get going, and they worked really hard to keep you moving. Through the waiting room and exam rooms, into the sterile spinal tap room (horrible experience!) and get hooked up quickly to the IV pole. Thanking God for those special people.

In life, how does this phrase apply? When I was little, I remember wanting to be big like my special friend who was in middle school and who sang at a competition at camp. We have a picture together after her and her middle school friend sang. They sounded so great, and I wanted to be just like her, but be like her right then. My dad was a pastor, and I enjoyed going to church camp every year from toddler years on; definitely a perk. But I always wanted to participate like the teenagers. Then I got my chance. My very first year of teen camp, and I was a top dog! My year to shine, a big wig, oh, and the next year I was actually wearing one, go figure! And talk about big, my mom let me get the biggest, curliest wig you have ever seen, because come on, this was the early 90’s! Back to the first year of teen camp; I hurried up and now I was a teen. Then getting into high school was the next thing to look forward to. Cancer changed much about this hurry up time because I had a totally new focus to get to my Freshman year in survival mode. Then I made it, cancer treatments still ongoing, but at least I was there. Hurry up and finish chemo, then hurry up and come quickly driver’s license! Then graduation, then college, then waiting to find my husband, graduation again, then marriage, and the list just goes on.

Hurry up and wait. Why? Because we want to move life along, but what are we doing with the life that is right in front of us? How important would it be for us if we decided to take our life and the hurriedness, and contemplated every day on what should slow down? Being hurried takes so many things from us.

  1. Takes our time away from God because we have not allowed time to sit and dwell on God’s Word and talk to God
  2. Takes our mental health away from us because we have not allowed time to sit and use our mental capacity to read and dwell on God’s Word and talk to God
  3. Suppresses the Holy Spirit and the guidance that He provides because we have not allowed time to sit and feed our spirit through God’s Word and talking to God
  4. Takes our time away from what God has asked of us as Christian, be a light, be kind, and tell them about Jesus because we are flying past them to get to the next thing on our agenda

It all boils down to what? That one on one with God, every single day we have breath. I realize I probably am a much different person than most, but maybe you can relate. I have a huge amount of things on my list to get done in a day or week, but I am that one that crosses off each item on the list to the expense of others; maybe their feelings or the time together to develop our relationship. Within the last few years, this has been apparent to me, and God and I have had many a conversations about this very thing. I have made a couple of steps forward personally in this area but so many steps still to go; hopefully, I keep stepping forward.

The fable of the tortoise and the hare comes to mind, as they start off on their race against each other. The hare knows its ability and starts off quickly, then decides it needs a rest. The tortoise passes the hare and wins the race. Slow and steady wins the race. Taking time to ponder each step along the way allows us to stay committed to the task at hand, shows others that they are important to us, and keeps us focused on the end result. We are not racing against each other. Society has termed living life a certain way “a rat race;” a rat in a wheel that keeps running and running like the hare, never focusing on the important things of life. But we are not running in a rat race! We are running God’s race and that race includes:

  1. Our relationship with God

Hebrews 12:1, 2 “Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

2. Our relationship with Others

Galatians 6:2, 10 “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ… As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.”

3. Our relationship with Time

Ecclesiastes 9:11 “I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither is there bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to the men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.”

What does hurry up and wait mean to us? Is it worth it sometimes? I believe it is for that moment as long as the other moments are about God, Others, and the Time God has given us on this earth to stay out of the “rat race.”

Endings and Beginnings

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Before I begin I want to share a link to our family story that has just come out in book form. My mom has recently published the book on Amazon Kindle and in hard copy. Her many years of labor have come to fruition.

5/8/19

May 1994

Is it a coincidence that this written journey here has taken us to an amazing day in my life when an amazing day in millions of graduating seniors’ lives is happening this month? No, not a coincidence, but pretty cool all the same. Each year in May millions of graduating seniors and their families come together to celebrate many years of schooling and for most, countless days and nights of hard work. It is a pretty special month and worth celebrating with those around us that are having that special day. A chapter in their life is ending and a new one beginning. There are other ends and beginnings. Recently, in our family’s life, we have had neighbors and family members move away, so a chapter in our life has ended and a new one, especially for them, has begun. Makes us sad, but thankful for the memories.

Do you remember your graduation? I do, and to be honest, I miss high school just a bit. Maybe it is because I feel like there were not as many worries or stresses before graduation that a person seems to encounter in adult life. Maybe it is because I would like to go back with what I have learned about people and develop relationships with others that I did not pursue for one reason or another. I had a few close friends and then many others that I had a nice conversation with at my 20th reunion. The reunion made me miss the friendships, teachers, football nights, my first job at Burger King, and my beloved Chrysler. After cancer, I enjoyed being a teenager, which is what I always strived for during cancer.

Graduation was not only the end of 13 years of schooling, but for me it was the end of a few years of rough patches mixed in with plenty of high patches. It was the end of a disease that changed my life from a healthy, sporty junior higher with her future ahead of her to a broken, bedridden junior higher with blurred vision. I approached graduation, back to health, and ecstatic about what was going to play out in the next few months and years, not wanting to turn back for any reason to what I had just experienced.

In March of my senior year, I made the decision to pursue my dream of teaching and go to a Bible college in California where they offered a teaching degree for Christian school teachers. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher. I have vivid memories of sitting in my third and fourth grade classes with one of the most wonderful teachers in the world. His name was Mr. Hendon, and he made the process of learning in a classroom setting the ultimate experience. He brought math facts to life with games. He took us outside during reading group to get fresh air and discuss the characters like they were sitting beside us. He had a smile and encouraging word that made the struggle with history dates and science terms bearable. I was going to be like him. I remember where I was sitting and where he was standing by his desk in this large classroom in an old day care turned Christian school on 14th Street in Abilene, Texas, when I said to myself, “I am going to be just like Mr. Hendon.” That was the beginning of my pursuit of being in a classroom when I grew up. And then, I had so many other wonderful teachers that solidified that decision along the way.

When May and graduation rolled around, I was ready to hit the road. Graduation was the beginning of a new road stretched out before me that was leading to my ultimate dream. The summer months were spending time with friends who would not be going with me, camping in the mountains with the family, and working many hours at the downtown jeweler. I was basically the only employee so I had long days of cleaning shelves, windows, and jewelry cases and putting items out in the morning and in the safes at night. It was a pretty boring job, because how many small mountain town  patrons does a jewelry store have in the summer months besides those needing watch batteries? Not many; when the snow melts in April and school gets out in May everyone leaves town. I enjoyed it to an extent, and that extent was that it would be paying for my first semester of school.

A new beginning was a new car my parents bought for me that I would end up driving for the next five years. It was a perfect car for me, two door Ford Festiva with moving seat belts. Boy, did you have to be careful with those. It is not a wonder why cars do not have those anymore because it about took off my head on many an occasion and drove my passengers crazy. I actually saw one the other day and can not believe I carpooled in college with four others in there. How in the world did we fit?! Let me just say Ford was the creator of the first SMART Car, and they did not even know it.

And before I knew it the next chapter in my life began, and I was beginning my college experience. I walked on campus blessed beyond all measure with a new car, a friend of mine as my roommate, and money to put on my school bill. I was going to start on my teaching dream, and I was super excited. Plus, I was going to school in Southern California which has so much to enjoy like Disneyland, shopping, the beach and trips to visit friends’ homes who grew up living there. The weather is great and the thrift stores are amazing, oh, and they have IN-N-OUT burgers! Yep, the freshman 15 was inevitable! Unfortunately, I am pretty sure I pushed my family out the door sooner than they wanted to go, but it did not take long before homesickness crept in, and calling cards and scheduled pay phone calls were a must. (Yes, you are right, no cell phones in the early 90’s for us.) I was having a great time, but I missed my family.

My beginning was shortly set aside for a new beginning that showed up back at the homestead, and it was not because I had left…

Ends and beginnings are healthy cycles in life; an end of something and the start of something else. Can I submit that in life an ending does not necessarily mean completion, but that we have to shift focus. Until we see our Father’s face we might see this happen many times whether it is the end and then a beginning or a shift in focus. Beginnings, exciting? Yes. Endings, exciting? Sure. Sometimes not so much in both scenarios. But I am grateful for one thing; God is there for either one of them, and that is so comforting. He IS the Beginning and the End. Revelation 1:8, “I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.”

Hope and the Dream Fulfilled

flower bloom spring

2/27/19

For those who are keeping up with the blog timeline, this week I was able to write up a second post which is a memory from the first summer after diagnosis. I inserted it into the timeline so it should appear on November 16, 2018. It is called, “The Last Time We…”

Spring 1992

I hit the two-year mark since my diagnosis on March 15, 1992, and cancer was a thing of the past. We had gone back to the hospital in January, and they had removed the IV tube from my chest. Now that was a really interesting feeling, but we won’t go into any more details! I was now living the teenager life. I enjoyed my favorite past times even more: shopping, talking on the phone, and hanging out with friends. At forty-seven, my past times have not really changed much, but I have added hanging out with my husband and children to the top of the list! I enjoyed monthly youth rallies with our youth group at regional churches in the Salt Lake area and school choir concerts and performances.

I was in tenth grade in our local high school. Call me crazy, but I recently found report cards and testing scores from high school. Why mention them here? I was amazed at what I found, because I had just spent months on chemotherapy and fighting cancer. I refused to stay at home or wear a mask to school. I was determined to not change my life for this even though it was changing my life. In April of my 10th grade, we were given state testing, and I scored above grade level in most everything. I was taking Spanish II, Pre-Calc, English, Science, Art and Choir along with being an aide; and I had about a 3.5/3.6. How does that happen?! I spent most of my afternoons after school doing schoolwork, and I had great teachers that would allow students to pop in before or after school for a little extra instruction. Plus, we kept them posted about my absences, and they would send home my homework when I left for treatments. I worked really hard; my GPA never really improved, but at least I stayed consistent.

Life was even more exciting for me, because I had been watching my brothers play sports for the last two years, and now it was time to join them. I had missed the opportunity to play at the high school because most of the time a person really has to make it freshmen year. They try to make the team then and see playing time, improve skills, and learn to play with each other; then the next year is a bit easier. I decided not to jump in, knowing I was behind on the ability chart. Being the spring, track was about all that I was interested in, and hurdles ate my lunch when I tried them in 8th grade. They went up to about my chest anyway. Everyone else that ran in track had these amazing long legs that could cover 8 to 10 feet with each stride. My two to three-foot span was not idle for running track, although I was fast as a kid, in my mind. Ha! So high school sports aside, I joined the local city girls fast pitch softball league. Some of the same girls that I went to school with and who played volleyball and basketball at school played for the league, too, so that made me feel better.

My brothers started the spring season in their perspective leagues. The oldest played Babe Ruth and the youngest played T-ball. Back then our little town had one four-plex that had all three size fields, and I remember on more than one occasion dad walking around from field to field watching all three of us play at the same time but at different fields. On my team, I quickly became the right fielder, then third base, and did quite well, but I am pretty sure I had the most strikeouts and walks. Either I would swing and strikeout, or I would crouch down really low where the pitcher had a minuscule strike zone and would walk me. By the next season, I figured out the batting part, because our coach told us to let the first pitch go and then on the strikes start your swing sooner than you expect to make contact. I had such a great time!

The next two years would be follow-up oncology doctor’s visits to do blood work and keep an eye on the remission I was in. In addition, we had cardiology visits to determine the next step with the heart problem that we just kept at bay during the treatments. It had not gone away so we needed to make some decisions. But, I really enjoyed the new life of activity and school all the more. Along with my past papers I mentioned above, I found other things like a huge stack of my medical reports and then a couple of school papers I wrote in English in the early fall. My English teacher kept us going with writing papers and poems. I remember she wanted us to tell about a dream we had for our life. One poem sums up my cancer experience in only a way I could tell it, and at the time we had just had the reoccurrence scare. I want to share it. (I typed it up exactly how I had typed it back then.)

Dream Fulfilled

Did I fulfill my dream, or did I waste my time?

No, this dream is accomplished, I know, in my mind

I will have gone through and finish my treatments.

Will I be ready if I have to start again?

This time will I be cured, or have to go back in?

Can I handle the pain, and keep back the tears?

The first time was hard, in the hospital on the bed

Catching up on schoolwork after I miss 2 days, I dread.

Will it all be worth it, in the end?

I think it will be

I am alive, and well, you see

With the help and support from my friends.

Most people send mail

My dream is fulfilled, and I am alive and well.

I like reading over this, because it opens up many thoughts that people go through when going through a trial. The uncertainty is definitely the underlying tone, not just because the poem is about a dream. The hope of life and health is a close second underlying tone. Lastly, the support shown did not get lost in the hard façade that I kept up for others to see. Those people made a huge impact in my ability to fight this disease. A trial takes on a whole new meaning when others are by our side. And a dream of health, full head of hair, good grades, sports, and a new life was at the forefront of my mind.

Dreams and hope. My life verse came to me after my husband and I were married, and trying to have children. It really sums up everything I have faced. Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick; but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” Hope is very real is our lives. We hope we see family again, we hope we get a raise this year, we hope for children, for health, for safety… There are times when God says wait; let Me show you later. It makes our heart hurt when we cannot see the big picture; it gives us a heavy heart which I spoke about in the last blog post. But then after the hope is deferred for a certain amount of time, the desire comes and it is even more special because of the waiting period. Maybe it is because we know our dream will be fulfilled.

Our God Is An Awesome God…

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2/12/19

October 1991

I walked out of my last chemotherapy with a boat load of drugs in my system, nausea setting in, and a spring in my step. I felt like doing a cartwheel all the way to the car, but that would get me puking on the sidewalk and who wants to see that happen. Besides I did not need to start the drive-home-nausea-inducing curves sooner than experiencing it in person. But we were so excited to be at this point in our cancer journey. We had experienced it all: surgery, near death, life, hair loss, hospital stays, life, thought of reoccurrence, life, end of treatment, life… And now I could be a normal teenager, so I thought. Since this was October, we were finishing off the holidays in high spirits. By the time Christmas break rolled around, my hair was just about long enough to feel comfortable going without a wig. That first time I took it off, we had someone cut it and style it for me. It was baby fine hair and extremely soft, just like an infants hair. Well, it was brand new so what did we expect. This was the early 90’s so Aqua Net became my best friend; wait, this was the early 90’s – Aqua Net was everyone’s best friend! I cannot explain how absolutely excited I was to be able to style my own hair again, what little I had.

So Christmas break was the ultimate turning point for me as a teenager in the world of high school. I would be returning to school in January with my new hairdo. Well, I was super nervous, and I had my biggest fears come true. My wig was a long, large curly blob; remember this was the 90’s. It looked like I had a ton of hair, and some people did not know I wore a wig. Those very few people let me know how weird my new hair cut was. It was tough, but I was so very happy, I just did not care as much as I could have at the time. I recall one time at the local Rec Center where we spent a ton of time as teens playing wallyball, volleyball, basketball, and running on the track. I turned in my student ID so I could get a locker. The girl behind the counter handed me a key and was about to turn around but stopped. She grabbed the key and said she made a mistake because she had handed me a guy’s locker room key. Great, I look like a guy when I have short hair! What a blow to the gut. Makes me chuckle today, but that is probably why I have never done a shorter haircut.

Why did I live through this when others do not? Today I ask myself this question because those around me have lost their battle, and their families are left to live their lives without their wonderful loved ones. I do not understand or comprehend the reason God takes a life and let others live, but it happens every day with people losing their lives in other ways besides cancer. God has a purpose for each and every minute of the day and each and every thing we are faced with during those minutes. Because we know life and death happens, we then try to prepare for those times.

A heavy heart can be hard to explain when the events of life appear before us as something other than easy or what we may classify as “day to day life.” But I believe most people have experienced this reaction to hard times. When the term “heavy heart” is used I have a sense of slowed breathing, a pressure in my chest, a punch in the gut, a feeling of sadness that comes over my spirit. Everyone would have a different reaction, but I think we could all conclude we know the feeling of a heavy heart. When I was a teenager, we had a dog that was killed by a car, and I remember so clearly the feeling that I had of death. Yes, I realize we are talking about lives of human beings, but the feelings are the same. There was a void. I recalled that same feeling when I was at my great grandfather’s funeral, but I was so much younger, I did not remember the sense of loss as much as when we lost our dog. In my adult life, three of my grandparents passed away within a few years of each other, and I still get that feeling of emptiness, especially when I think of my precious grandmothers. I feel like something is missing and there is a heaviness. I think this is where we get the above term.

“It’s life,” someone says, “Death is a part of life.” Yes, but there is still a sense of loss that we feel and have to live with until it gets easier. I do not like that phrase either, but it does get easier. How is that possible when we have had a loss? Our God who made us, loves us, and takes care of us shows us every day that He made us, loves us, and will take care of us. We have to embrace that. During those heavy heart moments, He is there. During those hole in the heart, punch in the gut, feelings of void and emptiness, He is still there. A song immediately comes to mind:

“Our God, is an Awesome God, He reigns from Heaven above, With wisdom, power, and love, Our God is an Awesome God.” Written By, Nathan Myrick

As a Christian, we must embrace this truth, and God reminds us of this hundreds of times in His Word. These verses can be just words to those that are hurting, but I want to encourage those that are hurting, do not stop at the words. In time, make the words a type of salve that fills in the void of the loved one we are missing or make it the counterbalance to the heaviness of the heart that will out weigh and lift the weight. Or put all the words together to make a strong surface that blocks the constant punch in the gut. Maybe the words of a song are the uplifting we need to put one foot in front of the other during the few hours after a loss. Whatever our comfort, we should still take the time to grieve; that is important and part of the process of loss.

Psalm 46:1, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Proverbs 8:10, “The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it and is safe.”

Isaiah 41:10, “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

A Day in The Life of a Teenager

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1/28/19

October 1991

Have we ever thanked God for our hair? Many people, many teenagers and women, sometimes do the opposite with their hair. It is funny because I have had this conversation a hundred times with others. If someone has straight hair, which I raise my hand right now because mine is stick straight, those people look at someone with curly hair and may want just an iota of those waves. Then someone with curly hair may look at those with straight hair and think it would be nice to have less curls. No matter the texture of the hair we have, it might be a thought that runs through our mind what it would be like to have curly? Straight? Short? Long? But have we ever thanked God for the hair we have been given by God?

When I was bald and nearing the end of my chemotherapy regimen, I told myself that once my hair grew out I would never complain about my hair or a bad hair day ever again. Now, I do not think that I have stuck to that statement, but bad hair days hardly happen because I am constantly reminded what it was like to have no hair for more than two years of my life. At the ages of 13, 14, and 15 to be exact! I spent those years in a wig and worrying about it coming off in the wind walking into school or a store or some place that I would be totally devastated if someone saw me. I did not embrace the bald is beautiful, but I think that is ok. Each and every chemo patient can be confident in different things about their situation, and no two people are alike when faced with this disease. Why do I say that? Because a cancer patient has to have confidence in something, or it is a struggle to live.

I was truly confident in other things about my cancer. In the back of my mind I knew that I may not get well and have a normal life again, but those thoughts were so far back there, they only surfaced a couple of times. The confidence that I was going to get well and have a normal life again were prominent. They pushed me every day to get out of bed, get dressed, go to school, work really hard at my classwork, come home and work really hard on homework, go to bed, and do it again the next day. My brothers and parents kept things normal for me as well with breakfast together, and bike riding, and sporting events, and Saturday morning cartoons. Those thoughts of normalcy pushed me to live a life of a teenager that many can relate to. I really kept cancer away, which makes me chuckle because it was so prominent in my every day life, especially when I took off my hair to shower and go to bed. I focused on friendships and the good and bad that came with that, like “Why was she mad at me?” or “I cannot believe she did that!” to “I think he likes me.” When I look back on my diaries during these years, they went somewhat like this:

“Today I had a history test and failed it so bad, and we started our songs in girl’s Jazz choir for the spring concert. I am so excited! So and so and me get to go shopping tomorrow in SLC. I really need a new shirt really bad to go with my new shoes. When we get done my mom is taking us to eat at… So and so at school likes so and so, and I like him, too, but he will not even look at me. I am just going to forget him and find someone else to like! He is not worth it. I had chemo Monday.”

As I flipped through my beloved diaries from this time of cancer and chemo, no lie, every single one of them were just like the above paragraph. Trying to be confident in normalcy? You bet. Cancer patient? Definitely, just a teenage one at that. In all areas of life, I believe we have to have a positive outlook, a confidence in something. I put my trust in the Lord Jesus Christ when I after diagnosis, and I did and can fully, 100% trust Him to love me, guide me, direct me, and heal me. I put my confidence and trust in Him 100%, but during this time in my teenager mind, I had to tell myself, “Just be normal,” and those words gave my teenager mind a better outlook for my situation, and I believe it really helped me feel better. It did not heal my body, but it healed my mind.

Also, at the forefront of my mind was the fact that my last scheduled chemotherapy was in October. The month before we had the virus scare thinking it had returned. We walked into this chemo with excitement and hesitation because we had questions about the future. Before I started on my drip, we met with the oncologist. My mom asked questions about what we should expect within the next few months, which the doctor said he would see us in three months for a scan unless there were any concerns before that. At that time, they would remove the broviac because I would hopefully no longer be needing it. I would continue to return every three months until the one year mark, and then every six months for a couple of years, and then every year up to five years from the last treatment. At this time, the term “cure” would be assigned if there was no reoccurrence or chance of reoccurrence. Wow, so this was not going away for a long time for me. But I would not be returning at this time for any more treatments. We were really excited with the prognosis.

We also discussed my body and the side effects of the chemotherapy long term. Two of the drugs were known to cause infertility and the fact that I had one ovary removed because of the cancer, I should realize that having a family might be difficult when the time came. I thought about that discussion, and it bothered me, but I also thought that having a family would pass on my cells that were at one time cancerous. I would later come to a conclusion that I would never want to bring a child into this world and have to have them go through what I went through. No way, no how. It did not seem logical or kind to do such a thing to someone. But I was not fully trusting in God with that frame of mind. My future was still quite blurry; like most people.

Philippians 1:6 tells us that we can be confident in the gospel, Christ, who has begun a good work in us and will perform it until He comes back. My confidence may have been in things outside of Christ, like trying to live a normal life going through cancer treatments, but that confidence always fell back on the fact that God gave me that life to live. I realized I could have died and God saved me. I realized that I could not do this, and wanted to quit, but God gave me new medicines. I realized that the cancer might be back one month before the last chemotherapy, but God was just checking out our confidence in Him. All the bumps in the road got me to this last chemotherapy with a fully renewed life and trust in my God who actually brought me to this last chemotherapy.

The Roller Coaster

ride 2

1/14/19

Summer 1991

How could the adventures within the last few months have been so amazing and actually occurred while I was on treatments for a disease that takes lives every day? It was a pretty wonderful experience. And, yet we had to return to reality that I was on treatments for a… Yes, reality hit me right in the face, right back to Salt Lake City and chemotherapy. It was the summer months again, so we were able to head down early to treatments and enjoy fun times at large area parks, shopping, and there was even a small amusement park in a nearby suburb with roller coasters.

We had to go early in the morning, because there was absolutely no chance we could enjoy anything afterwards. Chemotherapy hit me pretty hard, and if it was the one with a spinal tap, I was in worse shape. Salt Lake was eighty miles away from home, so we would prepare for a rough ride home, because when you leave the city, you climb up through a canyon. It is a major interstate, but it winds back and forth up the mountain and then straightens out after twenty miles or so. There was also another back and forth halfway between there and home. Car sickness is no comparison to chemo, but when you combine the two, not the best situation. Sorry Utah, I really did try to make it without stopping! Even though the trip was hard, we were so grateful to be as close as we were to an amazing hospital.

This was our second summer traveling back and forth for chemo. My prognosis was fantastic, no signs of any cancer since the doctors closed up my stomach, gave me a 30% chance to leave the hospital, and started me on chemotherapy the next day. We had another set of scans right between the two big trips, and they came back clear again. The last treatment would be sometime in October if my blood counts stayed good, and the doctors did not have to bump me back a week. My heart was staying under control with the medicine, and there would be an evaluation after chemo was over on the next step to get me off the medicine. I was healthy, happy, and enjoying my teen life. I just got my permit on my birthday, and school was about to start. I would be going into my third year of school on these treatments: spring of eighth to, Lord willing, fall of tenth grade. The end could not get here fast enough. I wanted to be a normal high school student. One brother was entering high school with me, and the other was going into first grade. Our church was doing really well. My parents had reached out to co-workers who had joined the church body, and the youth group was growing. I had some very special friends during this time at school and church that made my world go round. We had some amazing fun times together!

Yet, I started to struggle with some unusual symptoms that needed immediate attention. We headed down to the hospital to do a series of scans. Concerns about a recurrence were prominent. The scans were a disaster to get completed. I kept throwing up the barium, and they would have to start over. My mom finally told them to shove a tube down my nose and then we could pour straight into the stomach. It worked, and we were able to finish, and head back to the treatment room. For three hours, no one told us anything. It was very unusual to wait and not be given any information. We were certain the cancer was back, and mom and I were physically sick. Mom had made arrangements for being out of the office for an uncertain amount of time and made phone calls to the insurance company. After an excruciating amount of time, the doctor came in to tell us we would need to come back in the morning for more scans. We desperately needed him to tell us what the scans said, and he informed us they were clear, but they needed further tests to figure out why I was sick. The emotional down that we had experienced for the last few hours was almost unbearable. My life was hanging on by a rope, and no one informed us it really was not. Situations like this are a par for the course in the medical world. They did not do anything wrong; they have hundreds of patients and dozens in a given day that need attention, cry for attention, need a hand to get through some of the most difficult times in their lives. Hats off to the medical profession. Emotional roller coasters are in everyone’s handbook. Theirs just has to be under control and then make life changing decisions for other people.

But, boy, do I love the real deal roller coasters. I am on the petite side, and I did not get to enjoy coasters when I was younger until later than most because I could never reach that silly mark on the sign. Pretty sure my brother beat me to it. We were fourteen months apart, and because I was smaller, we were very similar in height. When I was three, the scissors and hair became one, and my mom and I did not. She had to take me to a barber to get it fixed, and I walked out looking like my brother. She had questions about her twin boys for a few months, so she made sure she put me in dresses as often as possible. Anyway, after much begging, pleading, and tiptoeing, I was able to get on that first roller coaster at Six Flags Over Texas. On the way up, I knew this was the wrong idea, and my aunt had to keep me from jumping out. I swore off coasters until I was in junior high and fell in love with them. They do not scare me at all; granted I am nervous on the big ones. Back and neck problems have changed my ability to ride them in this stage of life, but I miss the fun.

Life, emotions, etc… are roller coasters and winding roads through mountains, no doubt. Things are great, things are not so great, things are good, things are horrible, things are fantastic. When asked how things are going, I catch myself saying great.. wonderful… fantastic… no matter what is actually going on most of the time because I have been through some really, really bad times in my life. In comparison, things are really great. There may be times that are crazy, there may be times that are not so wonderful, I wear those on my face and people can tell. That is o.k.; it is life. God’s Word in Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 says it this way: “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted.” Verse 4 says, “A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and time to dance.” Winding through life has its times, and we know that our God will take those times and show us His love and strength and power. Hallelujah for the times we have!

The Heart of the Matter

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11/20/18

Summer/Fall 1990

Nervous, to say the least. It was my three month checkup and although I would come to appreciate these scans more so later on, I had in my mind they were no big deal right now. The pink stuff threatened to destroy my life again, and we realized after this endeavor, we would get further along in the scan process if they just shoved a tube down my nose and shoveled it into my stomach. Not as much groaning and moaning and whining and refusing to drink the stuff that way, and it went in hours faster. Seriously.

Three month scan report and blood work: 100% clear! Not one spot or lymph node or any sign of cancer in my body. It was an absolute miracle, and the oncologists basically said the same thing. We knew it was and why and how. Each and every time we returned for scans throughout the months and years, we received the exact same results from the doctor. But every time I was still very nervous.

Another reason to be nervous. I was embarking on a new journey; entering the big doors of the only high school in the area. The two story building was set up on a hill right behind one of the two grocery stores in town. It was a rectangular shape with the freshmen lockers at one end next to the choir and band rooms and the gym. About 3/4 of the way down the hallway toward the other end was the entrance, commons area downstairs, and cafeteria upstairs. Then the classrooms began. We were able to get our lockers and check out the classrooms on our schedule before school started, and I figured that I might have to run if I ever had to go back to my locker. I did my fair share of that throughout the year.

My schedule consisted of all the regular classes, but I did not have to take P.E. because if for any reason the broviac was hit or dislodged, I could have serious problems. I would be an aide that hour, plus I would be taking Spanish and Choir as my electives. I was also taking Algebra II which ended up being with a few friends from middle school and a boatload of upper classmen, mainly Juniors and Seniors. I would soon dread going to this class; not because of the workload.

Like I said earlier, we had one high school in the area which brought all the freshmen into one building. Everyone from my middle school knew my situation, maybe not the fact that I wore a wig, but had an idea why I would leave during class and be gone the next day. After a couple of months, I started getting questions from the other students, so I would give them a short answer that I was going to the doctor because I was sick. I had a hard time talking about it so I just left it at that. The math class was hard because at one point I saw a couple of upper classmen point at my hair and laugh. I dreaded going in there from that point on, but I decided to move to the other side of the room and ignore it. I was just being sensitive, but when mom asked if I would like a new wig, I said yes. We picked one out that was longer and a different color and made plans to change them out at Christmas. The questions were non-stop that first day back in January. I told everyone that I colored my hair and got extensions! It worked, but I was not going to change my style again.

My health was really good. I had the occasional low blood counts, which caused a rejoicing in my heart because I did not have to have chemo. I think that only happened three times in the 18 month time period. Amazing to say the least. To go to school full time and hang out with friends at church, it is crazy that I did not have more times where they would send us home.

Even though my body stayed strong, I did struggle with a couple of issues that would not go away. I was having severe headaches. I would be in class in the middle of the day, and it was all I could do to keep my head up. After a visit or two with the school nurse, she suggested that I come down and lay in the nurses station anytime my headaches were unbearable. She spoke with my mom and sent out a note to all my teachers to let them know. I did not want to miss class, so I fought through them as much as possible. We asked the doctors at our visits and no one really had any explanation. I even had an MRI to see if there was cancer in the brain, but that came out negative, which was a huge relief. Mom and I concluded that it had to be the spinal taps because I have never had any headaches like that since chemotherapy.

The second issue I was having was with my heart. When I was young, I was diagnosed with a heart problem called SVT, Tachycardia, an irregular heartbeat. When I would have an episode it would trigger the heart to start beating extremely fast, up to 250 to 300 times a minute. When I was little I remember my parents rushing me to the hospital, and I would have to put my face in cold water or some other quick reaction that would trigger the heart to reset and go back to normal. The doctors had medicines that would go in an IV that would stop the heart, but that was always a last resort. If too much time passed, I could go into cardiac arrest so getting it to resolve was super important.

As I got older, I was able to control the beats by jumping up and down or doing a cartwheel or holding my breath. At this time in my cancer treatments, the situation was not so easy. Chemotherapy had intensified the amount of episodes I was having, and it was also preventing my regular ritual from halting the fast pace beat. I started seeing a cardiologist at Primary the day I was admitted for the tumor because they had to keep an eye on my heart during the surgery. We visited with him a couple of times the first few months, but as the intensity of the episodes increased, we met with him each month.

I was going through a hard time in the midst of a hard time, and I was at a real crossroads in my journey. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually I was about to take a hard turn in a different direction.

God has not given us a Bible filled with many stories of wonderful things that happened in history. He has given us His Word filled with many stories of wonderful things and difficult things and exciting things and devastating things and life and death. Just like our lives now. God mentions many times that there will be tribulations and trials in our present world, but He will be with us. John 16:33 says, “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”