2003-2009
God had brought my husband and I together for a reason. We had spent an eventful honeymoon in the hospital, but now I was doing fine, and God was using us in His ministry at my husband’s home church. We jumped right in to teaching and hosting activities with an adult Bible class who were our parents’ ages. We had a great time and much grace passed on to us as we learned to teach and relate to this wonderful group of people. Eight months later, we found out we were going to have a baby and I stuck my tongue out at cancer. Look who is bigger; My God. We were ecstatic to say the least, and any uncomfortable thoughts that was there about not being able to have children quickly faded. We were going to be parents now! The pregnancy went well and we welcomed a baby boy in November 2003. Now on to parenting. That of course is another whole book that I will not be writing. The baby grew, and we were excited about the possibility of many more children. After a year, we knew we would like to have another and looked forward to it. Then another year passed and no pregnancies. I began to read about fertility and wondered if I should talk to my doctor at my yearly checkup because now we had a three year old. She suggested to keep trying and following my cycle pretty closely for the window to get pregnant. Year four, and we were ready to discuss different options.
The next year we spent going through different tests to determine hormone levels and my cycle began to change, which we thought was strange. The doctor then sent us to a fertility specialist, who then did a couple more tests and met with us. She began with these words, “Because you have had cancer and chemo, …” Nooooo! This was not happening. I was able to get pregnant fairly quickly the first time; my body is not messed up. Denial came as it did twenty years before. I had to snap out of it because I was an adult now. No denying this cancer side effect: infertility. She told us that I was premenopausal because the chemotherapy had shrunk my productive organs and they were the size of a late forty to early fifty year old woman. Also, because a woman has all of their eggs at birth, those eggs have been affected by the treatments. In Vitro would be extremely expensive and the possibility of fertility was very low. The oncologists long ago had it right when they said those drugs could cause infertility. The doctor told us to try for another year and then we should look into adoption. Since adoption had been on the table from the time we were dating, we decided six months later to pursue this avenue through the state and began our certification for the foster to adopt avenue. The beginning of the next year, we began to receive names of children monthly that needed a home. The Lord did not give us a peace about those names each month, and a couple of months into the new year, we made plans to start a private adoption. We needed to put a rental home up for sale and put the equity toward an adoption. We headed on a quick vacation to visit grandparents, and while we were traveling, my, I felt so tired. I could not catch up on sleep, granted we were going 100 miles an hour visiting our nation’s capital on the way to family. But, I soon had this feeling that maybe I was pregnant. We kept it under wraps until we got home, and then a home test confirmed it. That same day, we got a contract on our rental home! At this time we knew we should hold off on adoption because we wanted to make sure the pregnancy went well and the baby was healthy. The year flew by and our second son was born in December 2009.
Many women have a similar story. Infertility rings loudly in our society today, and each story is unique and almost always the most painstaking waiting game. The emotions can truly put a woman’s life in turmoil thinking that this was the month. A deep breath and quickened heartbeat, a little anxious to see what the next couple of days brings and a nervousness to mention it to your husband. Thoughts throughout the day of how you are going to tell your mom and dad and how excited your friend will be who just announced their pregnancy. Their facial expressions and what they will all say play over and over in your head. Then your excitement starts to build for this possibility of a new baby in the house. In my case, since there was another child, thoughts of how excited they will be to have a new brother or sister. Ok, let’s reign it in and make certain this is true. Off to the store to buy a pregnancy test. Before my husband came home, I made sure to take the test so I can share the results with him, only to see that it was negative. What? Maybe it was a bad test; well, I will just have to go get another tomorrow, which also turned out negative, and two days later evidence of no pregnancy. Three months later, same song second verse, only the evidence of no pregnancy came quite a few days later, then the next time around, weeks later. Skipped months altogether and then negative test results filled the bathroom trash.
The weight and pressure and anxiety were intense, especially through each friend’s new pregnancy announcement. I was definitely not angry at them or disappointed that they were pregnant; on the contrary, I was so happy for them and their family. I even had an idea when some of them were pregnant before they even announced it. A little creepy? But my feelings and anxieties never went away, except for those brief times when I was waiting for the test to turn positive. Again, please let me say a new life must be celebrated and a pregnancy announcement must be made. It is a hard pill to swallow, but it has nothing to do with them. It is only the course that my God put me on to bear, and that course started many years before with another announcement, You Have Cancer.
Why me, though?
Why not?
From the time of the birth of our first son until the birth of our second was six years and one month, and outside of the second pregnancy months, those years are described above. God chose us to endure those years for a reason. We were able to see Him:
1. As our Salvation
Psalm 27:1 “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear: the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”
2. In control
Proverbs 21:1 “The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will.”
2. To help reign in our Thoughts
Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
3. In my ultimate verse for many years before this and many years of infertility
Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh it is a tree of life.”
It is impossible to put to paper the many things that God brought to my life through this new journey. Our second son was a true miracle; there is no explanation on how I was able to get pregnant because my body was not functioning properly. In fact, we did not know when I got pregnant, and so a due date was a guesstimate based on the baby’s size. He came 10 days early.
As I said before, my story is unique to me but not unique to many women going through infertility. It has been a part of most of our lives through family, friends, co-workers or acquaintances, just like cancer. Together with God’s Almighty Hand and His Word to guide us, we can be a beacon to others and hopefully grow His Kingdom with our unique stories.
God Said Cancer 