7/30/2020
Fall 2001
How many times in our lifetime have we heard, “Be brave, you can do this?” As a little girl and as a parent the words, “Jump, I will catch you,” were said many times. To be brave is to take everything inside of us, since we have no control over it, and look out at the situation at hand and … step? jump? speak? breathe? Brave means many different things, but it will always mean to show no fear when faced with danger or difficulty. But “show no fear?” If we show fear, are we brave?
When cancer goes from being a word someone else heard in their doctor’s office, to a word that WE hear laying in a hospital bed from the lips of our doctor, FEAR. When the vehicle we are driving in veers off the road or is hit by another vehicle, FEAR. When we are up all night with a child who is sick with a fever or cannot breathe because of an infection, FEAR. In all of these and any other fearful situations, is it ok that we show fear even though we should be brave? You bet; we are brave even when we do not show bravery at certain times in our lives because of circumstances like these.
As God had finally given me my future spouse, a couple more fears resurfaced which had been pushed to the back of my mind and heart from my cancer days. Finally, I would be discussing with the man of my dreams that my past would be affecting our future. One of the final discussions with my oncologist was the fact, that a medically known fact about the cancer drugs that were administered through that tiny tube sticking out of the middle of my chest for eighteen long and grueling months, caused infertility. Because cancer destroyed one of my ovaries, and it had to be removed in the initial surgery, along with that medical fact about the drugs, bummer, having children was not looking too promising. And now all that information had been in the back of my mind for that last eight or so years, and it was time to share this with the man who decided I was the one for him. I was in utmost nervousness. Another side effect!
The discussion went like this. Oh, wait. I never had to bring it up. One evening as we were about to spend some time in chit chat, he quickly said something like this, “I know that you had cancer, and many of the drugs, from what I understand, can cause infertility. There are plenty of children out there to adopt.” What in the world is wrong with this guy?! He basically just summed up my mind’s recorded conversation with the man of my dreams in just two sentences?! Well, that was easy! And that fear and the burden which I did not realize I was carrying, just melted away with the biggest sigh of relief; outside of my SALVATION and the words, “You are officially considered cured.” And at that moment I knew God had brought my future spouse into my life to love me just the way I was, infertile and all!
The fear of a person not accepting me was really not noticeable, but it was there. I was brave and had been brave during my difficult cancer treatments. I had been brave to share with this man my fear of infertility. If I had stayed away from that discussion, even though I did not initiate it, I would have been in denial, and Satan can thrive in denial. To be brave in any circumstance shows others that there is Someone helping us conquer those fears, insecurities, expectations. God was there through my cancer trial, in fact, God Said Cancer, and He would be there through every single, unpleasant side effect that came my way; which by the way, He knew they would. I can live in fear, but bravery is so much more pleasant. That is hard to remember on a day to day basis, though.
I tend to be a scaredy cat about the silliest little things. Heights are one of them. Put me on a roller coaster, and they really do not bother me. I tend to stay away from them though because, side effect alert, bad back in need of surgery. But before my back and neck problems, I truly enjoyed them. But I cannot stand heights. A few years back my husband and I went on a short trip with friends. One of the excursions was walking out on a concrete bridge spanning a deep gorge. Mind you, we had just drove over the bridge and at the time cars were coming over the bridge as we made our trek across. I could not even get 25 feet onto the bridge before my fear kicked in, and I about had a fit right there in front of all of the other trekkers. I immediately turned around and watched as the rest of group kept going. They have great “couple” pictures in the middle of the bridge, and there is my husband all by his lonesome. Cool picture, though!
Bravery was not in my vocabulary that day. I showed 110% fear in the face of danger and difficulty, and why was I ok with that? My own decision not to cross. My own decision not to trust. I have a fear of heights, and I let Satan talk me into trusting myself instead of trusting something that was undoubtedly trustworthy; that bridge, which I might add, has not fallen and most likely will not fall. God is trustworthy and if I had looked past the bridge part of it and just trusted in God, I could have made it out there with them.
Going through cancer treatments brought moments of bravery, and I pushed through much fewer moments of fear or I would not be here today. A person must see that they are going to come out of it on the other side or the fear is intoxicating. It takes a person’s ability to take the next breath, to see an end in sight, to live; if we only live in fear of what is before us. Granted, I am not or have not gone through many, many things that others have gone through, so I cannot know how each individual situation makes a person feel or fear, but let me tell you, I know fear and I have been through some extremely hard times. I came out on the other side of those times trusting in a God who is the Great Physician, Jehovah Rapha; God who is There, Jehovah Shammah; God who will Provide, Jehovah Jireh; God of Peace, Jehovah Shalom. Trust in Him! He is there always, we have to take our fears and place them at His feet; ask to be brave with the situation before us, and JUMP!
Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” We can! It may be a struggle, and we may still cower in the face of danger, which is perfectly ok, but we can do it. I was raised in a family of singers. We spent many a service in the sanctuary of our little church, raising our voices to God for His goodness. Shortly after my diagnosis, my mom found this song and encouraged me to sing it. I think it was helpful for me to see that I was denying being sick most of the time, and needed to see that in reality, I can be brave and should be brave, but I was still human.
Warrior Is a Child by Gary Valenciano, Sung by Twila Paris
Verse 1: Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right,
But even winners can get wounded in the fight,
People say that I’m amazing, I’m strong beyond my years,
But they don’t see inside of me, I’m hiding all the tears.
Verse 2: Unafraid because his armor is the best,
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest,
People say that I’m amazing, I never face retreat,
But they don’t see the enemies, that lay me at his feet.
Chorus: They don’t know that I come running home when I fall down,
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around,
I drop my sword and cry for just a while,
‘Cause deep inside this amor, The Warrior is a Child.
God Said Cancer 