Hi, Mom!

5/9/2020

For most of us women who have desired, wanted, had a child, Mother’s Day is the best and worst day of the year. I plan to go in to detail of my years of infertility in future blog articles, but today I would like to reflect a little on my journey and give an idea of what other precious ladies may be going through this day of celebrating moms.

As many times before, let me preface my thoughts with, cancer takes so much from us. As a girl playing Little House on the Prairie with my beloved and amicable younger brother, I had enjoyed being mom. Maybe because I am a very bossy person to begin with, but we will not discuss my faults here. As a teen, I began to see light at the end of the tunnel when treatments ended and doctors gave us the green light for actually living a full prosperous life, even a life at all was a good deal in my mind. But that day when we were sitting in that little white exam room, I clearly remember the doctor going over a few things about what we should expect, or what we might expect in the health department. Let me just say, he forgot a few things, but it was not his fault.

One thing he mentioned was that we should keep in touch and come in once a year for a couple, then every five, then if needed. This hospital was a research hospital, and I was an excellent candidate for information. Granted he did not refer to me as a specimen; he wanted to continue to see us. If we moved, he encouraged me to have regular doctor’s appointments and tests wherever I lived. Another thing he mentioned is keep a cardiologist close by because of my heart condition. Lastly, or maybe it was the only thing I heard because any words after went in one ear and out the other, was that two of the drugs are known to cause infertility. Since I was getting ready to graduate, head to college, and hopefully find the man of my dreams, I might want to remember that when it was time to start a family.

Well, remembering was definitely not a problem. It truly stayed in my thoughts that day, and then teenagering continued and starting a family was far in the future. Graduation, college, a couple of moves, my career began, and Mr. Right came along. The doctor’s words surfaced, and I wondered how I would have this discussion with Mr. Right. He shared his thoughts with me on the subject before I even brought it up. He was much aware of the fact I was a cancer survivor and mentioned to me that he knew if we could not have kiddos, we would adopt. That brought everything into perspective quickly, and oh, let’s get married now, you are so wonderful! I knew he was the one for me if he was willing to give up ever having his own children to marry someone who possibly could not.

Our first baby came 18 months after marriage, and the doctor’s words were forgotten. Who says those cancer drugs cause infertility? Well, they did not affect me and my one ovary! We are cancer free and having babies. So long, cancer side effects, hello perfect life! Four years later and trying for another baby most of that time, the doctor’s words were not only at the front of our minds, they were passing our lips as we spoke to another doctor in a different field of medicine. She encouraged us to keep trying and consider infertility options. We left saying we would pray about it and save. Before we started our infertility options, miracle baby came almost two years later.

Motherhood has been an amazing journey. I love those boys more than I can express. They are hilarious, hard workers, loving, and made me a mom. Doctors said it would be medically difficult. But only by God’s grace, His healing hand, do I get to celebrate Mother’s Day this year. There are many women all over the world who have a similar desire to have children, and yet, for some reason they have not. They hurt on Mother’s Day. I am so sorry. Please understand, I can feel some of that pain, too. They may celebrate their moms on Mother’s Day, but when others post the pictures of their kids starting school, opening presents, eating ice cream hanging upside down in a tree, lemonade stands, baseball games, knee surgeries, they celebrate with us, but the ache is overwhelming. Those women hurt year round, and then Mother’s Day comes and the ache is like a knife.

For moms, we should celebrate our children, please do not take this wrong. I did not have to celebrate Mother’s Day in my married life without a child because God gave us one within two years of marriage, but I did have to celebrate year after year with a desire to have another child, and after having a second, repeat. God has not given us any more children, but I am so grateful, 100 times over grateful, for my husband, my children, and my infertility.

This verse was my infertility verse. Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” I have been down the road of a hurting heart, a desire to have children, and when they came, they were my tree of life.