Cancerversary

3/15/2020

Seasons are times of change in temperature, weather, and clothing. They bring to us new schedules like a school year to a summer break and transitions from one sport to the next. Any one person would give their honest opinion of their favorite season because just about every person has a favorite. My top season would be spring with a close second season, fall. I love spring because the chill is not constantly keeping me in a coat, and I can get away with a sweater or light jacket.

When a person ponders the seasons, there can be so many lessons to learn. Spring gives us the saying for March, “In like a lion, out like a lamb,” meaning the first of the month tends to keep winter around and the last part of the month sees a tad warmer temperature and the beginnings of spring. I begin to put a plan in place for the tiny garden in the back yard. I am not much of a green thumb, but I keep trying. I can grow jalapenos well, but we do not eat them so I have not figured out why I keep planting them. Because they always do well, and I feel like I am growing something? Whatever. Spring is a picture of new growth, turning over a new leaf, doing things new; oh, and cleaning out the dreaded closets!

Summer has been mentioned in a previous post and helps me evaluate what is most important with extra time spent with family on our annual vacation. It is a picture of slowing down. There are so many new hours to fill without school and longer evenings. Barbeques and visiting with friends and family. Summers can be really busy for some, but still has a connotation of “let us take a minute to… ?” Fall, now that is a season that a large majority of people love. Whether it is Pumpkin Spice Lattes or hayrides or the changing leaves. It is definitely at the top of the “Favorite Season” list. Winter comes in dead last. Sorry, winter lovers, but I am not a fan of the cold or snow.

As I ponder the changing seasons, today marks a huge ‘VERSARY for me. March 15, 1990, thirty years ago, was a day I went into surgery to remove a mass in my stomach, but came out eight hours later with a cancer diagnosis, an eighteen inch long scar, an ovary removed, a broviac for chemotherapy, and a laundry list of other things. This day changed my life forever, no question about that. I have tried to express those changes on the blog throughout the last year and half by telling others what we went through; me personally with my family that stood by my side. But when doctors said “you are good,” I thought for sure those changes were done as well. Obviously, that was not going to be the last I time I would spend with doctors concerning this disease. The long term effects have “haunted” me ever since.

1999/2000

In my cancer journey, I finished my first year of teaching in 1999 and had a great summer working for a chiropractor. I made sure I never worked another summer; my contract was year round and starting school again was hard after working all summer. Starting my second teaching year, I was excited because I was moved to a much larger classroom with a new setup and new decorations. But a couple of months into the school year, I knew I had a problem. I noticed a place in my lower abdomen that did not feel normal. I had been down this road before and the outcome was devastating. “Fear washed over me” is an understatement. I do not know how I kept it together, but after a discussion with my mom on how to go about this (remember I did not have insurance), we decided to go into our family doctor and plan on the worst. Doctor appointments, CT scan, whatever it took for me to go down this road again. Insurance bare.

I would need to go to my principal and give her a heads up, at least take off a day to get the tests done, and ask for prayer. I could not hold it together when I met with her. Most people who know me realize I am not much of a crier. Come on, I had two brothers and no sisters, and I have two sons and no daughters. Crying does not come at the drop of a hat. I think I have cried in front of my husband less than ten times in seventeen years. Nothing wrong with crying, please understand me, but I am not a crier. So that fateful day in early fall 1999, crying was at the top of the list while I explained my dilemma. My principal was thoughtful, caring, and we discussed what should happen next. First, we needed answers and in the process she would also put in place a plan if the end result was not what we wanted.

We scheduled the doctor’s appointment, and with my history, he in turn got me right in for the CT scan. Barium, again! Oh, the most awful drink on this earth. Why, can they not figure out another way to do a full CT scan on a belly a different way? Time might have changed this process, but twenty years ago, it was the same barium and the exact same smell that made me want to puke. I did return to school the next day and waited anxiously for the results. When the phone rang, a wave of anxiety about took me to the ground, and I have wondered if I was white as a ghost. “Nothing to worry about,” the doctor said. “It looks like scar tissue.” Have you ever took in a long, deep breath that seemed to last for a minimum of a full minute? Of course, they do not last that long, but it feels like it when the relief from the anxiety is literally traveling out of our body through each finger and toe. The saying, “weight of the world on my shoulders,” was so real during that time, and now it felt like God had lifted it off. He said, “Trust me. I healed you from the beginning. This may be a part of the side effects, but you are in my hands.”

Pretty crazy, that my cancer journey timeline and blog article today happens to have a cancer scare in it, on the day that the cancer scare came to fruition thirty years ago. I am so grateful for every step on my journey, every step. Not only the good ones, because I really rejoice in those, but the hard ones; the ones that make a person feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. God tells us in I Peter 5:7, “Casting all your care upon him for he careth for you.” He says in Psalm 37:23, “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord; and he delighteth in his way.” He has us taken care of. I am so grateful.