2/27/19
For those who are keeping up with the blog timeline, this week I was able to write up a second post which is a memory from the first summer after diagnosis. I inserted it into the timeline so it should appear on November 16, 2018. It is called, “The Last Time We…”
Spring 1992
I hit the two-year mark since my diagnosis on March 15, 1992, and cancer was a thing of the past. We had gone back to the hospital in January, and they had removed the IV tube from my chest. Now that was a really interesting feeling, but we won’t go into any more details! I was now living the teenager life. I enjoyed my favorite past times even more: shopping, talking on the phone, and hanging out with friends. At forty-seven, my past times have not really changed much, but I have added hanging out with my husband and children to the top of the list! I enjoyed monthly youth rallies with our youth group at regional churches in the Salt Lake area and school choir concerts and performances.
I was in tenth grade in our local high school. Call me crazy, but I recently found report cards and testing scores from high school. Why mention them here? I was amazed at what I found, because I had just spent months on chemotherapy and fighting cancer. I refused to stay at home or wear a mask to school. I was determined to not change my life for this even though it was changing my life. In April of my 10th grade, we were given state testing, and I scored above grade level in most everything. I was taking Spanish II, Pre-Calc, English, Science, Art and Choir along with being an aide; and I had about a 3.5/3.6. How does that happen?! I spent most of my afternoons after school doing schoolwork, and I had great teachers that would allow students to pop in before or after school for a little extra instruction. Plus, we kept them posted about my absences, and they would send home my homework when I left for treatments. I worked really hard; my GPA never really improved, but at least I stayed consistent.
Life was even more exciting for me, because I had been watching my brothers play sports for the last two years, and now it was time to join them. I had missed the opportunity to play at the high school because most of the time a person really has to make it freshmen year. They try to make the team then and see playing time, improve skills, and learn to play with each other; then the next year is a bit easier. I decided not to jump in, knowing I was behind on the ability chart. Being the spring, track was about all that I was interested in, and hurdles ate my lunch when I tried them in 8th grade. They went up to about my chest anyway. Everyone else that ran in track had these amazing long legs that could cover 8 to 10 feet with each stride. My two to three-foot span was not idle for running track, although I was fast as a kid, in my mind. Ha! So high school sports aside, I joined the local city girls fast pitch softball league. Some of the same girls that I went to school with and who played volleyball and basketball at school played for the league, too, so that made me feel better.
My brothers started the spring season in their perspective leagues. The oldest played Babe Ruth and the youngest played T-ball. Back then our little town had one four-plex that had all three size fields, and I remember on more than one occasion dad walking around from field to field watching all three of us play at the same time but at different fields. On my team, I quickly became the right fielder, then third base, and did quite well, but I am pretty sure I had the most strikeouts and walks. Either I would swing and strikeout, or I would crouch down really low where the pitcher had a minuscule strike zone and would walk me. By the next season, I figured out the batting part, because our coach told us to let the first pitch go and then on the strikes start your swing sooner than you expect to make contact. I had such a great time!
The next two years would be follow-up oncology doctor’s visits to do blood work and keep an eye on the remission I was in. In addition, we had cardiology visits to determine the next step with the heart problem that we just kept at bay during the treatments. It had not gone away so we needed to make some decisions. But, I really enjoyed the new life of activity and school all the more. Along with my past papers I mentioned above, I found other things like a huge stack of my medical reports and then a couple of school papers I wrote in English in the early fall. My English teacher kept us going with writing papers and poems. I remember she wanted us to tell about a dream we had for our life. One poem sums up my cancer experience in only a way I could tell it, and at the time we had just had the reoccurrence scare. I want to share it. (I typed it up exactly how I had typed it back then.)
Dream Fulfilled
Did I fulfill my dream, or did I waste my time?
No, this dream is accomplished, I know, in my mind
I will have gone through and finish my treatments.
Will I be ready if I have to start again?
This time will I be cured, or have to go back in?
Can I handle the pain, and keep back the tears?
The first time was hard, in the hospital on the bed
Catching up on schoolwork after I miss 2 days, I dread.
Will it all be worth it, in the end?
I think it will be
I am alive, and well, you see
With the help and support from my friends.
Most people send mail
My dream is fulfilled, and I am alive and well.
I like reading over this, because it opens up many thoughts that people go through when going through a trial. The uncertainty is definitely the underlying tone, not just because the poem is about a dream. The hope of life and health is a close second underlying tone. Lastly, the support shown did not get lost in the hard façade that I kept up for others to see. Those people made a huge impact in my ability to fight this disease. A trial takes on a whole new meaning when others are by our side. And a dream of health, full head of hair, good grades, sports, and a new life was at the forefront of my mind.
Dreams and hope. My life verse came to me after my husband and I were married, and trying to have children. It really sums up everything I have faced. Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick; but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” Hope is very real is our lives. We hope we see family again, we hope we get a raise this year, we hope for children, for health, for safety… There are times when God says wait; let Me show you later. It makes our heart hurt when we cannot see the big picture; it gives us a heavy heart which I spoke about in the last blog post. But then after the hope is deferred for a certain amount of time, the desire comes and it is even more special because of the waiting period. Maybe it is because we know our dream will be fulfilled.
God Said Cancer 