Our God Is An Awesome God…

2/12/19

October 1991

I walked out of my last chemotherapy with a boat load of drugs in my system, nausea setting in, and a spring in my step. I felt like doing a cartwheel all the way to the car, but that would get me puking on the sidewalk and who wants to see that happen. Besides I did not need to start the drive-home-nausea-inducing curves sooner than experiencing it in person. But we were so excited to be at this point in our cancer journey. We had experienced it all: surgery, near death, life, hair loss, hospital stays, life, thought of reoccurrence, life, end of treatment, life… And now I could be a normal teenager, so I thought. Since this was October, we were finishing off the holidays in high spirits. By the time Christmas break rolled around, my hair was just about long enough to feel comfortable going without a wig. That first time I took it off, we had someone cut it and style it for me. It was baby fine hair and extremely soft, just like an infants hair. Well, it was brand new so what did we expect. This was the early 90’s so Aqua Net became my best friend; wait, this was the early 90’s – Aqua Net was everyone’s best friend! I cannot explain how absolutely excited I was to be able to style my own hair again, what little I had.

So Christmas break was the ultimate turning point for me as a teenager in the world of high school. I would be returning to school in January with my new hairdo. Well, I was super nervous, and I had my biggest fears come true. My wig was a long, large curly blob; remember this was the 90’s. It looked like I had a ton of hair, and some people did not know I wore a wig. Those very few people let me know how weird my new hair cut was. It was tough, but I was so very happy, I just did not care as much as I could have at the time. I recall one time at the local Rec Center where we spent a ton of time as teens playing wallyball, volleyball, basketball, and running on the track. I turned in my student ID so I could get a locker. The girl behind the counter handed me a key and was about to turn around but stopped. She grabbed the key and said she made a mistake because she had handed me a guy’s locker room key. Great, I look like a guy when I have short hair! What a blow to the gut. Makes me chuckle today, but that is probably why I have never done a shorter haircut.

Why did I live through this when others do not? Today I ask myself this question because those around me have lost their battle, and their families are left to live their lives without their wonderful loved ones. I do not understand or comprehend the reason God takes a life and let others live, but it happens every day with people losing their lives in other ways besides cancer. God has a purpose for each and every minute of the day and each and every thing we are faced with during those minutes. Because we know life and death happens, we then try to prepare for those times.

A heavy heart can be hard to explain when the events of life appear before us as something other than easy or what we may classify as “day to day life.” But I believe most people have experienced this reaction to hard times. When the term “heavy heart” is used I have a sense of slowed breathing, a pressure in my chest, a punch in the gut, a feeling of sadness that comes over my spirit. Everyone would have a different reaction, but I think we could all conclude we know the feeling of a heavy heart. When I was a teenager, we had a dog that was killed by a car, and I remember so clearly the feeling that I had of death. Yes, I realize we are talking about lives of human beings, but the feelings are the same. There was a void. I recalled that same feeling when I was at my great grandfather’s funeral, but I was so much younger, I did not remember the sense of loss as much as when we lost our dog. In my adult life, three of my grandparents passed away within a few years of each other, and I still get that feeling of emptiness, especially when I think of my precious grandmothers. I feel like something is missing and there is a heaviness. I think this is where we get the above term.

“It’s life,” someone says, “Death is a part of life.” Yes, but there is still a sense of loss that we feel and have to live with until it gets easier. I do not like that phrase either, but it does get easier. How is that possible when we have had a loss? Our God who made us, loves us, and takes care of us shows us every day that He made us, loves us, and will take care of us. We have to embrace that. During those heavy heart moments, He is there. During those hole in the heart, punch in the gut, feelings of void and emptiness, He is still there. A song immediately comes to mind:

“Our God, is an Awesome God, He reigns from Heaven above, With wisdom, power, and love, Our God is an Awesome God.” Written By, Nathan Myrick

As a Christian, we must embrace this truth, and God reminds us of this hundreds of times in His Word. These verses can be just words to those that are hurting, but I want to encourage those that are hurting, do not stop at the words. In time, make the words a type of salve that fills in the void of the loved one we are missing or make it the counterbalance to the heaviness of the heart that will out weigh and lift the weight. Or put all the words together to make a strong surface that blocks the constant punch in the gut. Maybe the words of a song are the uplifting we need to put one foot in front of the other during the few hours after a loss. Whatever our comfort, we should still take the time to grieve; that is important and part of the process of loss.

Psalm 46:1, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Proverbs 8:10, “The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it and is safe.”

Isaiah 41:10, “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”