A Day in The Life of a Teenager

1/28/19

October 1991

Have we ever thanked God for our hair? Many people, many teenagers and women, sometimes do the opposite with their hair. It is funny because I have had this conversation a hundred times with others. If someone has straight hair, which I raise my hand right now because mine is stick straight, those people look at someone with curly hair and may want just an iota of those waves. Then someone with curly hair may look at those with straight hair and think it would be nice to have less curls. No matter the texture of the hair we have, it might be a thought that runs through our mind what it would be like to have curly? Straight? Short? Long? But have we ever thanked God for the hair we have been given by God?

When I was bald and nearing the end of my chemotherapy regimen, I told myself that once my hair grew out I would never complain about my hair or a bad hair day ever again. Now, I do not think that I have stuck to that statement, but bad hair days hardly happen because I am constantly reminded what it was like to have no hair for more than two years of my life. At the ages of 13, 14, and 15 to be exact! I spent those years in a wig and worrying about it coming off in the wind walking into school or a store or some place that I would be totally devastated if someone saw me. I did not embrace the bald is beautiful, but I think that is ok. Each and every chemo patient can be confident in different things about their situation, and no two people are alike when faced with this disease. Why do I say that? Because a cancer patient has to have confidence in something, or it is a struggle to live.

I was truly confident in other things about my cancer. In the back of my mind I knew that I may not get well and have a normal life again, but those thoughts were so far back there, they only surfaced a couple of times. The confidence that I was going to get well and have a normal life again were prominent. They pushed me every day to get out of bed, get dressed, go to school, work really hard at my classwork, come home and work really hard on homework, go to bed, and do it again the next day. My brothers and parents kept things normal for me as well with breakfast together, and bike riding, and sporting events, and Saturday morning cartoons. Those thoughts of normalcy pushed me to live a life of a teenager that many can relate to. I really kept cancer away, which makes me chuckle because it was so prominent in my every day life, especially when I took off my hair to shower and go to bed. I focused on friendships and the good and bad that came with that, like “Why was she mad at me?” or “I cannot believe she did that!” to “I think he likes me.” When I look back on my diaries during these years, they went somewhat like this:

“Today I had a history test and failed it so bad, and we started our songs in girl’s Jazz choir for the spring concert. I am so excited! So and so and me get to go shopping tomorrow in SLC. I really need a new shirt really bad to go with my new shoes. When we get done my mom is taking us to eat at… So and so at school likes so and so, and I like him, too, but he will not even look at me. I am just going to forget him and find someone else to like! He is not worth it. I had chemo Monday.”

As I flipped through my beloved diaries from this time of cancer and chemo, no lie, every single one of them were just like the above paragraph. Trying to be confident in normalcy? You bet. Cancer patient? Definitely, just a teenage one at that. In all areas of life, I believe we have to have a positive outlook, a confidence in something. I put my trust in the Lord Jesus Christ when I after diagnosis, and I did and can fully, 100% trust Him to love me, guide me, direct me, and heal me. I put my confidence and trust in Him 100%, but during this time in my teenager mind, I had to tell myself, “Just be normal,” and those words gave my teenager mind a better outlook for my situation, and I believe it really helped me feel better. It did not heal my body, but it healed my mind.

Also, at the forefront of my mind was the fact that my last scheduled chemotherapy was in October. The month before we had the virus scare thinking it had returned. We walked into this chemo with excitement and hesitation because we had questions about the future. Before I started on my drip, we met with the oncologist. My mom asked questions about what we should expect within the next few months, which the doctor said he would see us in three months for a scan unless there were any concerns before that. At that time, they would remove the broviac because I would hopefully no longer be needing it. I would continue to return every three months until the one year mark, and then every six months for a couple of years, and then every year up to five years from the last treatment. At this time, the term “cure” would be assigned if there was no reoccurrence or chance of reoccurrence. Wow, so this was not going away for a long time for me. But I would not be returning at this time for any more treatments. We were really excited with the prognosis.

We also discussed my body and the side effects of the chemotherapy long term. Two of the drugs were known to cause infertility and the fact that I had one ovary removed because of the cancer, I should realize that having a family might be difficult when the time came. I thought about that discussion, and it bothered me, but I also thought that having a family would pass on my cells that were at one time cancerous. I would later come to a conclusion that I would never want to bring a child into this world and have to have them go through what I went through. No way, no how. It did not seem logical or kind to do such a thing to someone. But I was not fully trusting in God with that frame of mind. My future was still quite blurry; like most people.

Philippians 1:6 tells us that we can be confident in the gospel, Christ, who has begun a good work in us and will perform it until He comes back. My confidence may have been in things outside of Christ, like trying to live a normal life going through cancer treatments, but that confidence always fell back on the fact that God gave me that life to live. I realized I could have died and God saved me. I realized that I could not do this, and wanted to quit, but God gave me new medicines. I realized that the cancer might be back one month before the last chemotherapy, but God was just checking out our confidence in Him. All the bumps in the road got me to this last chemotherapy with a fully renewed life and trust in my God who actually brought me to this last chemotherapy.